Marriage trouble...what to do?

OMG!!!!

This sounds like my sister recently... me and my sister are very close.. we are best friends but live thousands of miles apart... she trusted me and confided in me and seperating with her husband because she was feeling "stuck in a rut" in the marriage and that my bro-in-law wasn't making her feel pretty anymore and so on... I told her i supported her no matter what and i loved her... THEN i found out that she had been talking to a younger guy for the attention and compliments she was getting... FINALLY i texted her and told her everything I thought because I am totallly against cheating... if its not working, then divorce but DONT cheat...I told her it disgusted me to think that... I was harsh, but i was 100% real... she was pissed at first, but then told me she was glad i was honest with her... few weeks later i told her to talk to my bro in law and see where it goes... everything seems hunkydory now... who knows....

just be honest with her on what you think... she is you sister and in the end... she will respect your opinion, even if she doesn't follow it... and just know, that she is you family and even if divorce is in her future, she will still need your love and support so just be there for her.

I was mad because not only does he have to tell his family but her's too!  I almost texted her two weeks ago to tell her how dare she make him tell her family but i refrained. 

well i agree there and since I have recently went through this, the BEST advice I can give you is that YOU need to tell your sister what you think... be calm, but be stern... She needs to hear things like this from people who love her so she can open her eyes...

BUTTTT... my sister didn't tell anyone but me about their problems, i think because she knew they would work things out and she didn't want to cause any drama in the family... and sure enough, things worked themselves out... maybe that is your sis's thinking too??

I think that you are more worried about how do you feel about it rather than how your sister feels about it, maybe your sister tried to save the marriage and it didnt work at the end. Yes it would be a perfect world if they were still together but she is the one who was married to him.

What to do? respect your sister's decisions, she is old enough to know what she is doing 

I am more concerned for him.  She is taking the easy road if you ask me.  I do respect her decision (note my earlier statement of I cannot judge her) I am just not fond of how she is doing it.  She is renting some room living a pseudo single life while her husband has to take care of her kid (not his) and has to do the dirty job of telling her son and her sister what is going on because she doesnt want to face reality.  Guess who is getting the phone calls now asking " have you talked to your sister?  We've been calling her for weeks and she isnt returning our calls".  It's not my place to tell them.  She wants to do this then she needs to take responsibility for her actions instead of ignoring everyone and getting my mom all worried that something has happened. 

i know your concerned for him... i felt that way too about my sis's hubby, BUT your sis is your family and in the end... she will be with you for life... respect her decisions, but tell her how you feel... if you brew and stew over it, it will get you no where... if you talk to her - repectfully and calmly - you will feel better and maybe she will listen and you can hear her side..

in the end... its her marriage and you really NEVER know what happens behind closed doors... you only hear what people will tell you... you will never know 100% of whats going on... its sucks because a marriage is in trouble but... you are living a happy marriage, so just talk to her... that will accomplish more than just stewing over it...

good luck

i dont mind putting myself in someone elses shoes and trying to see from their vantage but this situation reeks of selfishness, cowardice, and an urge to shake things up.... aka a female midlife crisis. my husband has been through three of those. the last one nearly killed him and i got to experience first hand the wrath of a woman trying to hang to her youth regardless of who she tramples in the process....

my sister had a good husband but married him for the wrong reasons. she is the jealous type.... jealous even of girls on the tv. she wouldnt talk to her husband for DAYS because he didnt cover his eyes during the party in the film Triple X... if i hadnt grown up with her i wouldnt have believed someone could be so dumb. she married him - admitted it even - because he was joining the army and being shipped out and she "couldnt stand losing him" .... when they were still high school sweeties they broke up for a couple of months and she was LIVID when he found the company of another girl. she was spitting venom left and right over this.

All of that flak just to stay married for three years and then divorce him because he "cheated" on her. i know that girl. she could drive a saint up the wall with her shenanigans.... now she's remarried to someone thats "More Mature" ... what ever... by mature i wonder if she means completely whipped and gives in to what ever she wants.

i'm not saying your sister is like mine, but wow... i cant imagine leaving my husband for any reason except for physical or mental abuse and he's not capable of either one.... Lord Byron was quoted to saying "Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never subsides into friendship." and i would be willing to agree with that... i believe if you love someone you'll love them forever. which seems to anger some people and causes them to lash out at others as a result.

 <>

I think this is the head of the nail. In our society, men get distinguished, women get OLD.  Think of a man who is 40 and what do you see?  Then think of a woman who is th esame age.  Unfortunately, ageism rears its ugly head.

She is also quickly approaching menopause.  Hormones do weird things to all of us, but especially women of "that age". She still needs to feel attractive and young, so this is her way of doing it.  It truly sucks because her DH and son are suffering because of it.

She needs to talk to someone and get her act together pronto.  It's not fair to her family, both immediate and further removed. Good luck this--it could be a lulu of a fight to get this in hand.

lorib

 <>

Yep! I agree.... My sister had just turned 31 when this happened and she took turning 30 VERRYYYY hard for some reason... Like VERY hard... She was depressed for like half a year... and when this hubby trouble started, and the attention from the younger man, I knew it was about feeling 20 again and partying with no kids and so forth... Some people will get through it, some wont... life is rough.

I really think that could be it.  Her husband is really awsome and will anything for you.  He treats her so good and she will be the first to admit it.  She never spoke to me of any fights between the two because she said I made excuses for him and didn't see her side.  I gotta be honest, she is pure hell to live with.  She is very moody and yes, she has been doing the depressed thing for like 2  years now.  On the weekends sometimes she never got out of her PJ's.  I know I love my PJ's and all but I've just never been the type to lay in bed all day....not even when I'm sick.  Maybe that's why I don't understand how she could do that so often.  From what he's told me, she says he stopped talking to her.  She told him she felt he got quiet after her hysterectomy.  He always wanted a child of their own and she never wanted another. She has a teenage boy by another man.  So maybe that has something to do with it or maybe she is using it as an excuse.  Either way, he is seeing a marriage counselor and she will go once in a while with him but usually says she has plans and can't make it.  I don't think she has ever really had any self esteem.  She always brags on herself, how good looking she is for age or my personal favorite...how she can kick anyone's A**!!  She makes up stories to try and make herself look good.  She even brings us into the story and will throw in...don't you remember that?   If we tell her that's not how it happened she will argue with us and get mad.  She really believes her own lies.  I just stopped calling her out and just started nodding when I got the ....huh Jo, remeber that.  I think she can really benefit from a counselor and not just with the marriage.  I think I'll just give her more time.  She will call someone when she's ready.  My DH and I are flying out there at the end of May to see  my brother in law and my friends.  I hope they have it worked out by then. 

 I would imagine at 40, married 13 years with a child, your sister probably thought long and hard before separating and given how 'great' you think her hubby is, she also probably expected she would be seen as the bad guy. Maybe that is why she is reluctant to talk to you about it.  One thing for sure is she was unhappy enough to take such a dramatic course of action. Personally, if it were my sister, I would be more concerned with her emotional state and well being and the fact she 'feels' she cannot talk to you or her mom right now. This would suggest to me that she may well suspect there is a divided loyalty within the family. My friends and family all think my DH is the greatest thing since sliced bread - but they haven't lived with him for 30 yrs. LOL! Just saying ....

denise m

 I would imagine at 40, married 13 years with a child, your sister probably thought long and hard before separating and given how 'great' you think her hubby is, she also probably expected she would be seen as the bad guy. Maybe that is why she is reluctant to talk to you about it.  One thing for sure is she was unhappy enough to take such a dramatic course of action. Personally, if it were my sister, I would be more concerned with her emotional state and well being and the fact she 'feels' she cannot talk to you or her mom right now. This would suggest to me that she may well suspect there is a divided loyalty within the family. My friends and family all think my DH is the greatest thing since sliced bread - but they haven't lived with him for 30 yrs. LOL! Just saying ....

Yeah, I agree.  If she were my sister, I'd want to reach out and know more about *why* she left, and without knowing her reasoning, it would be hard for me to judge her and hold her responsible.

It's obvious you're very attached to your BIL, especially being friends before the marriage, and that's perfectly fine. But it is quite unfair to thus judge your sister because YOU think he's great, YOU never see/heard of arguments/YOU don't agree with her actions, etc.  You may very well be right that your sister seperated for no good reason, but that is HER decision for HER life, right or wrong. And just because you disagree with some of her actions doesn't make them wrong for her OR them.  For instance, just because you don't like sitting in your pjs all day doesn't make her evil, wrong, or lazy for doing it. Everyone is different.

She's obviously aware of your friendship with her husband, which may have also caused her to keep you in the dark about issues she was having, for fear of hearing judgement or 'oh, don't be silly' comments. Counselling is likely a good choice, it sounds as if she was having a hard time dealing with her hysterectomy, and  aging as well. If she herself was having trouble dealing with it, she could pass those feelings on over to her husband in her mind. ("well I feel unattractive/unsure/etc, so surely HE must feel the same";) Right or Wrong, it doesn't change one's feelings.

Whether they work it out or not, you need to work out how to have a relationship with your sister and your BIL seperately, without judgement/leaning towards either. Even if they're still seperated, spending time with both seperately when you visit (without speaking of the seperation and who is right or wrong) would be nice. She'll tell the rest of your family when she's ready. 

denise m

Personally, if it were my sister, I would be more concerned with her emotional state and well being and the fact she 'feels' she cannot talk to you or her mom right now.

I totally agree. When I separated, I was such a confused mess, I didn't talk to anyone either. It was hard for me to believe that anyone would understand and I was so relieved when I realized that they did. I have a letter from my dad at that time and it brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. I'd basically written to him explaining everything and asking him not to be mad at me. He wrote back that he loved me and wished I weren't going thru such a difficult time. I don't know why, but I just felt that everyone was going to think I was horrible. I'd gotten married at 18, and we'd been together for 20 years when we separated. Fortunately, we didn't have children or my family might've reacted differently, but I think it's times like this that family needs to support each other.