The Big "D" (MissMandy)

I am so sorry, but at the same time I applaud you for taking the steps you need to take care of YOU.  That is the most important thing and I feel sure that you will come out of this stronger and happier, even if you have to go through difficult times to get there.

You have endured more than most women ever have to, and most certainly more than any woman *should* have to.  

Take care of yourself. 

Wow, Mandy.  I certainly had no idea.

I commend you for a couple of things.  First, for trying to make your marriage work through what had to be a very difficult situation.  And secondly, for the even more difficult realization that things just weren't going to work out and that it is time for you to move on.

Best wishes.

Thank you - all of you. I'm sitting here all teary-eyed after reading the outporing of supportive responses, and appreciate them more than I can tell you all.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, no doubt. But it's something that I feel like I NEED to do, as hard as it may be. Time supposedly heals all wounds, so I hope time is on my side with this one.

He is crushed, but I can't seem to understand how he didn't see it coming. I guess it goes hand in hand with the addiction. I detest knowing that he's hurting through all of this - I'm terrible at letting people down. The very thought of it makes me sick. That's what I'm really struggling with.

But again, thank you all so much for the support and words of encouragement! You're wonderful!!

Oh my!  I don't remember seeing prior posts about the situation, but am sorry to read what you've been dealing with.

It is hard to break off an unhealthy relationship, and you've certainly tried everything to keep things together, but you will thank yourself and perhaps even a Higher Power later on.  One thing I've learned about addictive personality types - they are skilled at blaming everyone else.  Don't buy into it or the guilt that accompanies it.

Take care of yourself - from one of the many members of the BTDT club. 

sharismom

One thing I've learned about addictive personality types - they are skilled at blaming everyone else.  Don't buy into it or the guilt that accompanies it.

I was thinking the same thing and man, they can be very convincing. If they aren't successful in blaming you then they'll use the "You're right. I'm a big loser and you deserve better" to lay guilt on you. Stay strong and know that you've done all you could to try to make it work and now it's time to take care of yourself.

MissMandy

He is crushed, but I can't seem to understand how he didn't see it coming. I guess it goes hand in hand with the addiction. I detest knowing that he's hurting through all of this - I'm terrible at letting people down. The very thought of it makes me sick. That's what I'm really struggling with.

In my very limited and second hand experience I have noticed that, often, both parties benefit from the split.  As you release yourself from the situation, even though it hurts, it is helping him also.  Hopefully your actions will help him understand the gravity of his addiction and how it affects others in his life.

You should not feel any guilt, you are doing the right thing for all of you.

MissMandy

I detest knowing that he's hurting through all of this - I'm terrible at letting people down. The very thought of it makes me sick. That's what I'm really struggling with.

I've been helping a friend go through a divorce recently and this is exactly what she said. What kept her in the marriage for so long was partly because she didn't want to hurt him. IMO, it's more hurtful to drag something on than just to end it with a clean break. In the end that is what you have to do anyway.

It's completely understandable that you don't want to hurt someone that you love - or have loved for a long time. But that is no reason to stay in an unhealthy situation. Some hurt is unavoidable. You just have to push through it and it'll get better as you go.

cakana

I always worry when I see someone say they're afraid to be on their own. I've been there, so I understand, but I also know that the fear can keep you in a bad situation a lot longer than it should. Yep, moving out on your own is scary, but staying can be far worse. It also makes you vulnerable to your partner. If they know that you won't leave no matter what they do, then they're more likely to take advantage of that. Be strong and if you need to talk to someone professionally, then do that too, but always take care of yourself. 

I know your right.  In my head I agree, but I can't quite get my heart there.  I mean I remember how good things were and I can't help think that we could have that again.  But even saying that I do feel that I'm getting closer to the point where I draw the line of 'enough is enough'.  Most of my friends and family don't know what's going on, so it's nice to have you guys to talk to and get support from.  Thanks for that.  I'll stop hijacking Mandy's thread now.

 MissMandy, I understand how you feel esp. when you say how hard it is to see him crushed.  Continue to be strong and take care of yourself.

No, no worries on hijacking. I don't mind at all. It's actually comforting to know that someone else shares my point of view, and is the midst of something similar. Not that I'm happy someone else is going through this, but you catch waht I mean!

MissMandy

No, no worries on hijacking. I don't mind at all. It's actually comforting to know that someone else shares my point of view, and is the midst of something similar. Not that I'm happy someone else is going through this, but you catch waht I mean!

I know what you mean. :o)  Wishing you nothing but the best!

Stay strong in your decision.  You've done all anyone can expect and you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values you above mythical things on a computer screen.  You deserve to be happy.