The Big "D" (MissMandy)

    • Gold Top Dog

    The Big "D" (MissMandy)

    Well, some of you  may remember me asking for good thoughts last year when DH got wrapped up in some legal trouble as a result of some seriously poor choices on his part. He was caught chatting very inappropriately with what he thought was a 14 year old girl online. Turned out, it was an investigator with a local police department. It was then that I realized that he had a serious problem. I was not even aware that he had been chatting online, let alone to the hundreds of women he had been talking to since we got married. To say that I was crushed is a huge understatement.  But I stayed with him. Luckily, the charges were dropped down to one misdemeanor, he went and saw a psychotherapist, and we both went to marriage counseling. It was a huge hurdle, but I thought we were well on our way to a slow recovery. I loved him dearly, and he was my husband, so I stood by him.

    Over the course of the past year, I have caught him screwing around online again twice. Webcams, chatting with women, exchanging dirty pics, you name it. I told him that I found it hurtful, deceiving, and unacceptable. I realized that he had an addiction, but he needed to get it in check. He stopped going to his therapist, because he told me that the therapist informed him that he was making good progess, and could come back on an as-needed basis. I guess he felt like he didn't "need" to go anymore, despite how strongly I felt about it.

     He left on deployment on February 21st - he is active duty Navy. Last week, I received an email that he meant to send to the house and to my work email. Instead of it coming to my work email, it was sent to another girl's email address whose name also started with an "M". When I questioned him about it, he told me that it was some stupid junk email sender whose address had somehow gotten saved in his outlook contacts. My heart told me otherwise. So I did some "super sleuthing", and found exactly what I dreaded. He had opened up yet another secret email address that I Was able to hack into. I found a ton of women contacts that he had been talking to. I found numerous inappropriate photos and videos that these women had been sending him. Conveniently, the "Sent" folder had been deleted. I also discovered that he ad signed up for two dating/networking sites, on which he advertised himself as available. He swears up and down that he never met up with any of these women, but it was so easy for him to lie and deceive me with everything else...How am I to know? Huh?

    So I am leaving him. I went to see an attorney on Monday, and I am filing for a divorce. We have to be legally separated for 6 months before the divorce will be finalized, but it's in the works. I just can't take anymore. I've tried and tried to stand by him through all of this, and it seems to me that he doesn't WANT to change. Otherwise, he would have given more of an effort to seek help for his issues. He knew where I stood on everything, and I've given him more changes than any normal self respecting person probably would. 

    I am absolutely getting the dogs, which is truthfully the only thing I am worried about getting after all of this. What a terrible mess. But I know that it happened for a reason...whatever that may be.  

    • Gold Top Dog

    wow..I apparently missed the earlier stuff. Kudos to you for trying...more than I would have done. But water and bridges and such...YOU do what needs doing for you and yours. I can offer all the moral support a person can muster...as can a bunch of others here I am sure.

    All the best and use us to vent/support you if you need to! On or off forum.

    • Gold Top Dog

    I'm sorry you had to go through this kind of crap, but you sound like a strong woman.  You've got your act together and you know what you have to do to keep yourself safe and sane.  Good luck ... and I'm glad you'll be getting the dogs.

    Joyce

    • Gold Top Dog

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this, but it sounds like you did everything you could.  You need to do what's best for you and find someone that will treat you with the respect you deserve.  Good luck and all the support to you. we are thinking about you.

    • Gold Top Dog

    I'm sorry you found yourself in such an unpleasant situation. Kudos to you for trying your best and sticking up for yourself. Feel free to come back and vent whenever necessary! 

    • Gold Top Dog

    Wow - it sounds like you've been through a lot.  It's good that you're not going to take anymore.  Good luck to you !!

    Deb W.

    • Gold Top Dog

    Been there, done that very similarly.  Email me -- I could write the book on this one. Well .... no, we ALL have our own lovely little chapters at least. 

    One of my husband's 'extras' (the man weighed 550 pounds, ok??) called one day while he was at work (he worked ONE HALF OF ONE DAY a week -- big deal!).  I answered and a hesitant voice said "Do I have the right number?  Bill lives there?"

    I'm his wife - he's at work.  How can I help you?"

    "HIS WIFE????"

    "yes"

    "O ... M    G ...." (not initials -- she said it) TRUST ME ... If I'd known he was MARRIED this **NEVER*** would have gone THIS far!!!  I promise you ... it is O-V-E-R!!!!"

    When he got home it was confrontation time.  Got my own divorce ... kept the house and dogs.  But I survived.  I'm smarter, better, wiser.  Happier, ... happier than I've ever thought I could be!

    Today is simply the first day of the REST of your life!  NEVER forget that!

    • Gold Top Dog

    Wow, all I can say is good for you!  You don't need that kind of deception in your life & deserve a good partner.  Right now, I'm thinking that your dogs are probably the best companions for you.   They don't lie!  ((HUGS))  PLEASE feel free to vent your little heart out here.  We're here for you.

    • Gold Top Dog

    I'm very sorry and I know firsthand how hurtful the deception can be. I also know the mental anguish of trying to sort it all out. It sounds like you've got your head straight about this and can take the necessary steps knowing you did everything you possibly could. Hugs to you and we're all here with soft shoulders to lean/cry on.

    • Gold Top Dog

     I applaud you for realizing and accepting the truth of the situation. It's so easy to live in denial. It sounds as though this has been a long term struggle for you. Everyone deserves to have a partner that they can trust and one that doesn't "wander". Addictions are all the same. You can try to help the person but they have to honestly want to help themselves.

    We're all here for you! *hugs* 

    • Gold Top Dog

    Holy cow, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.  I commend you for trying to stand by him - especially amidst the level of suspicion and mistrust. 

    The therapist I currently see is becoming certified regarding sex addictions - and he has learned that the internet is like crack cocaine (literally - the neurological response is very similar) for sex addicts. 

    I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you two, that ultimately there was no healing for him or for your marriage.  I hope and pray that you can get the healing you need for your own heart.  Undoubtedly its been battered throughout all of this.  I'm sorry. 

    • Gold Top Dog

    OMG, it's almost like I'm reading my life.  DH and I have had some troubles lately with online 'extras'.  He totally doesn't understand why I'm upset about it.  He says it doesn't matter b/c it's just words on a screen (or on the phone) nothing physical so it doesn't mean anything.  I can't understand that mindset.  Like you said, I love him dearly stay b/c we really have a good time together and I can fathom the idea of not being together.  Plus I think I'm too scared to be on my own.  But the lying and sneaking has to stop, one way or another.

    It's good that you have the strength to do what you feel is best for you.  {{{{Hugs}}}}

    • Gold Top Dog

    It's easy for people to take online cybersex into a similar realm to porno (and it's SO easy and probably easier to be sneaky about it than it IS to hide magazines from the spouse).

    Because it's SO easy to hide behind a mythical persona it's easy to disconnect from the right/wrong of it.  It's easy for people to convince themselves it's nothing different than any fantasy or 'movie'

    My ex was ... quite literally ... a hacker.  We had a computer bulletin board back before "the internet".  That's where my ex's problem flourished (altho now that I look hard at it, it sure existed previously - I was just too adamant I wasn't gonna 'see' it).

    But the reality of life is that we all have to have right/wrong and lines we don't cross.  If for no other reason than because it would be hurtful to someone we love, or because it could be destructive not only to a relationship but to our own character.

     Back in the early days when David and I were dating (we MET on the internet -- which is pretty interesting considering how bad my ex abused me and stalked me online) we actually knew a lot of people injured a great deal in the "early days" of online chat, etc. 

    One thing that probably helped ground me was the fact that I experienced first-hand that there are actually a LOT of people out there literally trolling to take advantage of anyone's stupidity.  Not just the cop out there trying to 'protect' a minor (thank Heavens), but the COUPLE out there actually getting their jollies together by "leading on" someone stupid enough to leave a spouse and family to be with their "dream lover" online.

    Yeah, I actually know of such cases.  Not just "online" but I've met and counselled with them.  Been burnt myself by a guy who thot it was funny to lead the stupid divorced woman on and then stand back and laugh at her when she's stupid enough to send you cookies in the mail! (HE was on sub duty off Hawaii and I'm sure his entire crew buddies got a laugh at my expense). 

     That was before I met David and I came to the conclusion that no one would/could police ME but ME and if I was bound and determined to make a fool out of myself there were lots of folks out there who would be delighted to help me!! 

    Knowing where/when to stop in a relationship is incredibly hard.  Particularly when they're playing the "You *have* to SUPPORT me ... you have to help me not drag me down by not trusting me!!" card.  Ewww what a crock THAT one is!!

    • Gold Top Dog

    TheDogHouseBCMPD

    OMG, it's almost like I'm reading my life.  DH and I have had some troubles lately with online 'extras'.  He totally doesn't understand why I'm upset about it.  He says it doesn't matter b/c it's just words on a screen (or on the phone) nothing physical so it doesn't mean anything.  I can't understand that mindset.  Like you said, I love him dearly stay b/c we really have a good time together and I can fathom the idea of not being together.  Plus I think I'm too scared to be on my own.  But the lying and sneaking has to stop, one way or another.

    It's good that you have the strength to do what you feel is best for you.  {{{{Hugs}}}}

    In AA or Alanon, you'll hear the alcoholic say they don't have a drinking problem. The reality is that if their drinking is causing problems with their family, work, etc., and they can't/won't quit, then they HAVE a drinking problem. It's the same with the cyber porn or whatever it's called. If it's causing a problem in your marriage and you can't or won't quit, then you have a problem.

    I always worry when I see someone say they're afraid to be on their own. I've been there, so I understand, but I also know that the fear can keep you in a bad situation a lot longer than it should. Yep, moving out on your own is scary, but staying can be far worse. It also makes you vulnerable to your partner. If they know that you won't leave no matter what they do, then they're more likely to take advantage of that. Be strong and if you need to talk to someone professionally, then do that too, but always take care of yourself. 

    • Gold Top Dog

     

    Mandy.. I am so very, very sorry to hear this.  I haven’t been around as much and so I missed all the earlier stuff you mentioned. What chaos you have been through recently and I am so sorry that you have been dealing with all of this.

     

    Sending you good thoughts right now.  Divorce is hard, but you are a strong woman and you will get through this.

     

    Hopefully you have my email addy still if you ever want to talk... you always have an ear to listen. Wink

     

    Take care of yourself.  :)