How do you tell a friend...

We had this happen when we first moved to Alabama. Being a Native Californian I admit there was some culture shock.  And coming from a large city with many little towns connected  ( San Diego,  specifically Chula Vista ) I found the tiny farm town we had moved to challenging.

It was really hard to comment on anything with out some of the locals feeling we were trying to be know it alls.  So when my daughter came home in near tears after being with a friend and her family I was worried how to help. They had a  lab, very , very sweet girl. But she was in my kid's eyes being neglected.  No bed, food or water bowls, the cheapest dog food and not even a  leash. She was allowed to sleep in the mud room and the family seemed to think this was the height of spoiling a dog.   Our family treats our dogs as siblings to the kids so obviously the kid's could not fathom treating a dog as the friend's family was. Straight talk was not the ticket to improving this dog's life.

I would suggest you try a trick we have used several times...  Most folks buying a tiny dog like this are trying for the tabloid celebrity pet  feeling. It is easy to "feed" that feeling by having a "Girl's Day   It has to include the dogs.... a bottle of wine doesn't hurt either. Lavishing praise on the dog as you play around grooming and painting nails, commenting on how much cuter it is than sayyyy Britty's ... drag along some catalogs with all of the silly things we can buy our dogs now a days ... for folks who thought a dog may be a great fashion accessory you have to create , even thought it may sound shallow or sad , a feeling of value.  Comments like "I bet you can really get into a great head place just brushing her hair, it's so silky and pretty " etc...  Letting them think you would love to have a little lap dog that ...  sometimes that feeling that others value your "stuff" makes all the difference in the world.  Try a shopping day and just happen to pop in a pet store where you can point out cute stuff... Beds or collars saying things like "That would look amazing in your apartment / home !!! Wouldn't little Fluffy look like a total princess in this ?? "  I know it sounds smaltzy but the power of the word sometimes is found in an indirect refference that allows the hearing party to feel slightly envied.

Also I have to admit I tend to toss in a comment or two about "Thoes People !!"   You know THOES People...everyone has some one they don't especially care for and it is somehow easy to say something like  "Can you imagine  there are people who would make a teeny dog like yours live outside !!! " ACCCCCCKKKK Shock and horror .... "I  saw a dog very simular to your dog at the pet store the other day and it was OBVIOUS they had never made any effort to groom or teach or ....."  People sometimes respond quicl;y when they think they are dodging a gossippy bullet.

I know all of this sounds rather underhanded but sometimes being direct just goes straight over people's head. And I would rather try manipualtion than just shrug and say "It's just really too bad."

Bonita of Bwana 

What great timing that you posted this.  I feel like I might be in a similar situation, though not as bad as yours.  My brother has a puppy (I posted pics a month or so ago in the Cutie Patootie thread).  Anyway, he doesn't neglect his dog, but I have had many conversations with him about dogs, and I feel he is taking the wrong track in a couple of areas. 

One, nutrition.  He thinks Iams is a fantastic food, but then he can't understand why his dog has such bad gas.  I've spoken to him about this subject and emailed lots and lots of info that I've gotten from the wonderful folks on this board.  But, he still thinks it might be a good idea to switch him from Iams to Science Diet sensitive stomach formula to help the gas.  Oy.

Second thing that bugs me is his training.  He's made a few comments that have me a bit concerned.  I don't think he really knows how to properly train a pup, and my goodness, his pup is about 12 weeks old; what a spongy little mind this boy has right now to learn!!  I just worry he is resorting to "old school" techniques.  Don't get me wrong...he's not abusing the dog, I just think he needs a little help.  I have urged him to enroll in a puppy class ASAP.

I'm visiting him this weekend.  I hope to have productive conversations with him about both of these topics.  I am bringing The Power of Positive Dog Training book for him to have and read.  I like that the author puts things in easy-to-understand ways.  I will also show him demos of the training sessions I have with Harry, in hopes that he can realize the dog WILL listen to you without you having to yell at him all the time (yes, this is one of the comments he made I am concerned about).  I'm just a little nervous...I don't want my brother to get mad or think I'm preaching to him.  After all, I'm a new dog owner, too, but I know I've delved into the dog world much more deeply than he has, so I hope I can offer some good insight so that his dog is better for it.

Good luck to both of us, BlackLabbie!!

I don't have any better advice than you've already been given.  But, poor dog.  That is so sad to hear; and must be so hard on you to see.  I'm glad you took the steps to make the doggie more comfortable.  Why do people even have dogs if they aren't going to care for them.  It just boggles my mind and makes me so sad.

 Bonita, I love your ideas, too!!! Especially about "those people."

As for training, you can always try to teach your friends how to do something simple. "Hey, I saw this great trick on TV last night, do you want to see if we can teach your dog ?" Try to be really humble about it - "Well, I'm not exactly sure, but I think the person on TV held a treat sort of like this on the floor and then said, 'down," does that look right to you?" So the friend might not have any idea whether or not you're doing it right, and maybe you've done it 1000000 times before with great success, but if the friend feels included in the process he/she will not only be more open to the ideas but might also start thinking about dog training in more positive ways.

The "what do you think" method worked wonders with my boyfriend. He's not at all an animal person, but he's learning! I would ask him things all the time - "Why do you think Rascal does that? Do you think he's scared? What do you think it means when he does this and that?" Once he started actually putting his empathy muscles to work, BF came up with some surprisingly insightful ideas, and he and Rascal get along quite well now. (I'm so proud!) Previously neither one of them wanted anything to do with the other! 

I just hate having to say anything at all....I take care of my dog why can't you just take care of yours??? Urgh, and it drives me crazy that she went on vacation to Florida, and her dog NEEDS to be groomed, NEEDS vaccines (she's never even had puppy vaccines), and NEEDS to get spayed, and she doesn't need a vacation. She had 2 whole weeks of during Christmas...she just charged the whole vacation.  I was looking at her dogs teeth this morning and OMG they're everywhere, so crooked and some even overlap.

I just can't believe anyone would really feed their dog Kibble-N-Bits!

BlackLabbie

I just can't believe anyone would really feed their dog Kibble-N-Bits!

Some people just don't know any better, and buy the cheapest thing they can find.  I was a dog nutrition dummy, too, but I learned so much on this forum as well as from a trainer and friends who have dogs that it shocks me too that people would buy that stuff.  Like the lady at the grocery store checkout in front of me yesterday with the big bag of Dog Chow.  I didn't feel it my place to say anything, but I was cringing.

BlackLabbie

"You're nuts to pay that! That's exactly why my dog hasn't had anything done". 

The reply is:  "Its not nuts at all.  It's reasonable and it's part and parcel of being a responsible dog owner.  Besides, a pyometra would cost even more to sort out."

aerial1313

BlackLabbie

I just can't believe anyone would really feed their dog Kibble-N-Bits!

Some people just don't know any better, and buy the cheapest thing they can find.  I was a dog nutrition dummy, too, but I learned so much on this forum as well as from a trainer and friends who have dogs that it shocks me too that people would buy that stuff.  Like the lady at the grocery store checkout in front of me yesterday with the big bag of Dog Chow.  I didn't feel it my place to say anything, but I was cringing.

Oh, she knows. We (Fiancee, Apollo, and I) went through the whole changing foods from Purina One to Canidae and I told her all about the better foods out there and even gave her the site: http://www.dogfoodanalysis.com/dog_food_reviews/index.php She knows better, at least I have told her better.

I just feel like she has an answer (crappy one) for everything...

ME: Your dog needs to see a vet at least once a year

HER: Why? I don't take her out much, she isn't around other dogs, plus she acts healthy.

ME: You should look into feeding her a better quality food, it'll be better for her in the long run plus it's probably more tasty.

HER: No, she loves the food I buy her and she looks fine. (even though her fur is over grown, matted in some spots, and very dry and dirty).

This is the battle I've been going through...I just haven't seen her dog in a while and this is by far the worst she's ever been.

BlackLabbie

HER: No, she loves the food I buy her and she looks fine.

BlackLabbie

HER: Why? I don't take her out much, she isn't around other dogs, plus she acts healthy.

My dog "looks fine" and "acts healthy", too. LMBO. You wanna hear a partial list of her health issues? Because, seriously, any dog can seem "fine" without looking at bloodwork. 

BlackLabbie

ME: Your dog needs to see a vet at least once a year

HER: Why? I don't take her out much, she isn't around other dogs, plus she acts healthy.

"You don't take her out???!!!  Oh my goodness, poor dog!"

or,

"Oh she ACTS healthy?  Well, that's alright then.  Sorry, I'm such a butter brain, WHERE did you go to vet school again?" 

BlackLabbie

ME: You should look into feeding her a better quality food, it'll be better for her in the long run plus it's probably more tasty.

HER: No, she loves the food I buy her and she looks fine.

I'm sorry but there IS no response to this one.  Blimey....

I love Bonitas suggestions.  Sneaky beaky!  But I bet they work! 

I think it would be easier if we weren't such good friends....because I would love to rip her a new one, lol.

i hate to say this, but i think in order to keep the friendship betwen you two you'll have to do what you can for the dog while she's out of town (bath, brush, toys, bed, etc), tell your friend all you did for the dog and let her take the hint or not.  i have a friend like this, the one who has an answer for everything, and when pushed she shuts down, sometimes gets pretty defensive.

the only thing i might push is the vaccination thing, and you can point out that a fine for an unlicensed dog might be more trouble than the vet fees to get the vaccinations.  i agree w/ a pp, vaccinations are a personal choice.  DH and i know many people around our area who do NOT vaccinate their dogs, or their kids.

some of the answers above are great:  say something without saying anything.  i LOVE the idea of having "Girl Day" outtings with your dogs!  my girlfriends and i do this - it's a great reason to get together.  we get some exercise and chit-chat while we walk the dogs or take them to a park or whatnot to run, sometimes hit an outdoor cafe for coffee that allows dogs.  let your friend be around other dog owners and see how she measures up... plus, allow her dog to socialize a little bit with other people and other dogs.

good luck to you and to her dog.

She never has allowed her do to go near other dogs....ever. She said she's too afraid of her getting stepped on and breaking a bone because she is tiny. And, yes, the dog is small, but she can socialize with dogs her own size, like I told her. I feel like she either blows me off or can get very defensive. Her dog is very friendly, and wants to be with other dogs. I just know I would be embarrassed if my dog looked like that (never ever would though). Whenever I go out for a walk, when it's nice out, I ask her to come (she lives 2mins from me) and bring her dog and she always says she's "annoying" to walk because she pulls so much so she doesn't bring her...urrgghh....I'll just do what I can while she's away.

I just hate that I feel like I have to clean up her dog, yet I will do it for the sake of the dog. My friend is the type of person that gets away with everything by not doing anything and it makes me so mad. She always has someone to clean up her mess....either her parents, boyfriend, or friends.

BlackLabbie

I think it would be easier if we weren't such good friends....because I would love to rip her a new one, lol.

Rip her a new one because you are such good friends.