It may be over (Bullymom)

I may just be me but it seems like the only time DH wants to have anything to do with me is when he wants to have sex.  It hurts my feelings.  I have told him that but he doesn't want to listen to me.  About him working out of town, it drives me nuts that he isn't home but at the same time, I have gotten so used to being alone that when he is home, he just seems to get in my way.  I mean, I sleep alone 4 or 5 nights out of the week and when he comes home, I don't know how to act. 

I second talking to a therapist.  Couples therapy too.  But even if hubby won't agree, go for yourself.  Maybe the two of you need to take a parenting class in order to be on the same page with raising Madison.  Perhaps he's more "old school" and you don't like those methods, but don't know what else to do?  (just some hypotheticals)  Many churches have couple retreats.   I certainly think the two of you need to try something like that before heading off to the divorce court. Having said that though, you both need to commit to trying some new things/behaviors to make a marriage.

Do you sleep better if you exercise?  Make sure you have a focus other than home.  And make sure you have a good support system a little more local than this board.  (This board is very supportive, but it's hard  to go out to dinner/walk/movie with people 1000 miles away.) 

take care and be gentle with yourself.

Bullymom

I have been on Paxil since Madison was born.  I don't think it's working anymore. 

There are a zillion different drugs -- and as YOU change the drug may need to change (if it was THE right one to start with).  When did the extreme tiredness start?   Or did it gradually creep up on you?

There IS such a thing as "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" -- it's linked to fibromyalgia somehow.  However, fatigue like you describe can also seriously be linked to depression (which sure as heck can happen for many reasons). 

12 years ago when I was going thru MY break-up, my ex was on all sorts of MAO inhibitors ... and I realized I was also way less than properly functioning.  I tend not to react to drugs the way you're supposed to, but I tried several.  One, which the doctor thot would be THE thing for me, was hydroxizine -- it's an antihistamine that's also used for depression.  I have allergies so sounded great.

You know, it hit me SO hard and fast I didn't even know what happened to me.  I started to cry.  I couldn't stop.  I mean I wept almost hysterically for FOUR DAYS.  Finally my then-husband said "didn't that doctor give YOU some new medicine last week?" and I stopped taking it right away but it was days before I quit crying!

They tried Paxil on me, and it made me into a laughing lunatic!!  Completely went haywire on me.  Eventually, after several others (many of which put me so sound asleep I couldn't function at all) I wound up on one called Serzone.

Wow - suddenly I wasn't tired, I wasn't wired, I just plain thought CLEARLY!

I took it for just under a year.  But it gave ME the clarity to do what actually needed to be done with a clear mind. 

Be really careful who stays and who goes.  Don't just 'do' something -- get some advice.  Especially if you own property, if he controls all the money, etc.  Don't just walk out. 

If I were you, I'd call my doctor.  I'd tell them things have come to a flashpoint with your husband and you MUST see the doctor or just have him call something in for you.  That THIS is what's happening on the Paxzil and should you really be sleeping THAT much on an anti-depressant??  In other words, don't let them blow you off.  Don't just speak to a receptionist -- call and get hold of the nurse on duty or something -- but don't let them fob you off (call over and over again).

The tough part when you are depressed is thinking clearly and sticking up for yourself.  That tends to be what someone else "banks on". 

No, you don't want to spank Madison for making a face at you ...

Good luck hon -- try to get some help for yourself.  It's not easy ... but it can be done.

You probably don't even realize that Paxil isn't for you. I was on Zoloft for a year before I changed and after the change I realized that Zoloft actually made things WORSE! So please talk to your doc and ask to change meds - and probably the dosage as well. One thing I learned recently from a friend of mine who just had a break down (divorce, depression, etc.) is that you should talk to an actual psychologist - one who can prescribe meds and knows all of the ins and outs. Don't just go to your regular MD and ask for meds. MDs have some training but not enough to be able to evaluate and treat your properly. Also, sometimes you have to start out at a very high dose to penetrate that part of your brain that's not functioning properly.

The other thing is figure out what it is that helps you relieve stress. You NEED to take care of yourself and make yourself, both mentally and physically, #1 priority.  Physical exercise will really give you an added boost of confidence to make it through each day. Take at least 20 mins every single day to raise your heartbeat and think positively (I can do this, I'm strong, I feel great, etc). If you do nothing else, please do this. Make a committment to do it.

 I say if you love him, offer to go to counseling... otherwise, if you're not happy, maybe it's time to move on.  Listen to your heart, it knows what to do.

 I'm sorry you're dealing with this and wish you all the best.
 

Jewillee is so right -- Zoloft was another I was on and man, it took me forever to convince the doctor that it was causing more problems than it resolved.  But what she said that "you may not even know ..." is so true.  And you've started to suspect the Paxzil isn't helping.  Call the doctor --

I really think you need to talk to him and tell him out right how you are feeling and how serious this situation has become. Don't let him blow you off you need to know for your sake what is going through his head. I think it's completely unfair he isn't listening to you. You need some closure so you know where you stand, and where to go from that point on. I wish you the best of luck, and I am very sorry you are going through this ((hugs))

I agree that you should contact your doctor. Along with a new med therapy may really help. You need some outside perspective on what is going on right now.

Talk to your husband and see if he will consider couples therapy. If he will then it could really help. You are likely not the only one who needs to change. If you want to save the marriage then it is going to take work from both sides. It is worth it because you both have a young child to think about here.

If it does come to divorce you are not the one to "leave". He wants the divorce and it sounds like you don't so he should be the one to "leave". You should stay put where you are with Madison.

As I recall, Paxil isn't really the drug of choice for depression.  And it sounds very much to me like you're dealing with some pretty serious depression.  A change in meds could be the key.

Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Untreated, or treated wrong, yes, it really can require therapy and that's often the best course of action....a dual approach.  That doesn't mean that you are "crazy", it simply means that you need help and someone to listen when you share what you are feeling.  I hope that your DH will go to couples counseling with you.  Change can only happen in a environment that is accepting and supportive.

glenmar

it simply means that you need help and someone to listen when you share what you are feeling.

And who doesn't need that now and then? I'd always laughed when I heard about people getting hooked on their therapist and then I went thru marriage counseling and we had the nicest, funniest, best friend kind of woman working with us, I completely understood. I swear, if she hadn't moved to Alaska, I'd still be going to her

Bullymom

I have told him that but he doesn't want to listen to me. 

Sometimes it is almost impossible to talk about things that you yourself are confused about. Men usually like things in black and white.
"This is how I feel and this is why I feel this way."

I've been married for over 30 years and believe me there have been some real rough spots! I have always found that when I really need to be heard, especially if it's emotional, I can communicate with DH much more effectively by writing him a letter. I can keeps things focused and make sure I get it all out without being sidetracked by the two way conversation or start blubbering or crying. DH then has time to digest, consider and think about exactly what I am saying without getting defensive or upset. Later we talk about it. You might try writing it down and sticking it in his suitcase the next time he travels. These conversations can get so emotional that they simply start spinning out of control and you end up saying things you regret or never finish saying all you need.

You might also try asking about Provigil.  It's a narcolepsy drug and I can't stay awake without it.  If I am not on it and I sit still (at work, driving, watching TV) I fall asleep.  If I keep busy and keep moving, I'm fine.  But otherwise I can fall asleep in the weirdest places.  

Good thing, it only lasts 8 hours and doesn't affect sleep.  It works on a chemical in the brain that makes you think you're tired.  

Bad thing is that I get that tired feeling in the evenings after about 8 hours, but at least I can stay awake at work without having to drink coffee.  It also affects BC pills, so I got the Mirena.

My doctor didn't think it was depression (though I've had episodes in the past) nor lack of sleep.  All bloodwork came out fine as well.  She suggested this drug and I've never looked back.

I also had the lack of sex issue because dang it, I was just too tired.  I could play agility because I kept moving.  And times I was just too darn tired to do agility too.  But lay down on the bed?  Zonked.

So something else to consider if the sleeping all the time is really the main thing affecting your relationship. 

Speak to your DH.  Tell him that you have taken on board what he said.  You want him (well, all three of you) to be happy.  If you think Paxil is having a bad effect and you want to change it, TELL him that.  Ask him to be honest with you and tell you ONE thing that you can "change".  It might be something to do with sex or it might be to do with your daughter.... but it will be easier for you if it's one thing you can talk about with him and take positive action on rather than a swarm of things that will just lower your self esteem further.  Tell him it's going to get better.  Tell yourself that too.  Because it WILL.

No, you shouldn't spank your child for making faces at you.  You are the adult remember   CHILDREN lash out because they don't have a more suitable way to express themselves and they have very little self control. 

It's not much, but we're here for you   Hang in there and come back any time you need to vent! 

 have you considered that you might have sleep apnea (sp?)? my brother and one of my co-workers were just diagnosed with it, and they are getting treatment now. both say they sleep better and feel more rested.

might be worth discussing with your doc. 

 Thank you everyone!  I went today and spoke with the most reliable, trustworthy person I know.  My dad.  Believe it or not, I didn't cry...  Much!  My dad is the one person that I know will tell me straight out what he thinks.  He said that he has seen these "problems" between DH and I for a while but he didn't want to over step his bounds.  He told me to get to my doctor and talk with her and see about changing medicines.  He also told me that I have to step up to Madison.  I didn't tell him about DH telling me to leave at first.  I didn't want my dad to get too involved but I did break down and tell him and he said that it isn't just me that needs to change.  Finally, someone who agrees with me!  About the counseling, I doubt DH would go for that, he has too much pride to admit that he is wrong or needs help.  If it does come down to one of us leaving, he can have the house.  I don't want it.  Another thing that I forgot to mention, if I don't take the paxil, I get VERY moody and ill.  I mean I am ready to fight anyone that comes along.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't want a divorce but if he does, what choice do I have?