Am I Being Unreasonable?

No, you're not being unreasonable.  Maybe he's just jealous?  I went on LOTS of girls weekends in 2005/06....to U2 concerts all over the country.  We would camp out for 24 hours, with guys we'd never met before, then be front row, screaming and flinging ourselves at rock starts old enough to be our dads....If DH had a problem, he never said so, and if he had I would have said tough beans.  Go to a game with your guy friends then. 

You've written about this woman before right? I think I recall the cheating thing. You guys are still tight enough to go for a weekend partying? LOL...

IMO I wouldn't have any wish to hang with a person who'd do that sort of thing...and perhaps that's where he's coming from. Myabe he doesn't get why her company...given her history...is preferable to his?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would talk with him about it and remind him of times you've gone out and what you think of her affair and everything and try to find out what's really bothering him. It could be that other people might see you there without him and he might think they will form some opinion of him or his relationship with you because of his absence or something.

Or maybe he would really like to go? Whatever the case, sounds like he's feeling a bit insecure.

sillysally

What if S (the girl I'm going with) hooks up with someone--what are you going to do then?"

"Go take a nice long hot bath and pamper myself with the hotel amenities? Maybe rent a chick flick and have a bottle of wine? Enjoy some me-time"?  

I agree with Gina on this one.  I think you can tell a lot about people by the people they hang out with.  Now you are not the sort of person this woman is, but people may get the wrong idea if you hand out with her in this type of trip.  Apparently your husband did.  He should know better, but I think it's pretty normal to feel a little unnerved by a trip with a woman like that.  Do you think he would be upset if that lady wasn't going and it was just a group of girlfriends?

Honestly, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, I can see both sides of the story. I think it would be a great time for you to go out and have a girl's weekend. It sounds like it would be a blast. But I can see why the whole scenario would make your husband uncomfortable too. Just think if you wanted to go to a weekend trip (with a bunch of hot chicks happening to be there) with him and he told you no. It would probably make you feel a little uncomfortable....I know it would in my case, anyway. Not because there are thoughts of the other person cheating - it's just grounds for making the 'left behind' person feel crappy.

I think the whole thing with your co-worker just adds icing on the cake too. I'm sure your hubby knows that you wouldn't cheat, but it doesn't exactly seem like your co-worker upholds the highest of moral standards, and I'm sure your hubby doesn't want you getting stuck in an uncomfortable position.

It's a tough situation. Truthfully, if it were me, I'd take hubby along. It sounds as though it's important to him. You could always have a 'girls night' while you're at this trip and go out dancing or something. But at least your husband would be there, and I'm thinking it would probably make him feel a lot more comfortable. It's frustrating having someone shoot down your plans for a fun weekend (trust me, I know), but I'm thinking it'd probably be best to take one for the team and take him along.

Just my opinion though.

ETA: Spelling errors...woops!

 I think I'm gonna have to go with Gina and Kelly on this one.  Normal girls nights and weekends are one thing.  But going somewhere where you DH would normally go,(since he works for the same company) and telling him he can't go, because you are going with someone that is a known cheater... I don't know, I'd be hurt if I was in his place.

And if you have made it clear about how you feel about her affair, then he probably does not understand why the heck you would want to go hang out with her anyway. 

huskymom

And if you have made it clear about how you feel about her affair, then he probably does not understand why the heck you would want to go hang out with her anyway. 

That was my thought...

rwbeagles

You've written about this woman before right? I think I recall the cheating thing. You guys are still tight enough to go for a weekend partying? LOL...

IMO I wouldn't have any wish to hang with a person who'd do that sort of thing...and perhaps that's where he's coming from. Myabe he doesn't get why her company...given her history...is preferable to his?

Yeah, it's the same woman.  The way I resolved to handle it was to tell her exactly what I thought of what she was doing, and then drop it unless she brought it up (which she did often--which seems strange because I was pretty honest and non-sugar coating when she asked for my opinion).

Honestly, I don't do much socially with her (we stopped by their house on the 4th of July and met them at a dog Halloween party with Jack) and this would the first time I have done something like going out with her. 

I would actually love to go to the show with DH--we went together once back when we were dating and it was one of the best weekends we've had together, but I guess I'm just trying to expand my social horizons a bit--a good friend of mine recently moved to Florida so God knows when I will see her again, and beyond her I have only a few close friends (I have trust issues and I'm not a social butterfly)--DH is my best friend and the person I hang out with the most other than my family.  Most women I know have lots of female friends--I feel like I should have more "girlfriends" or something....     

ottoluv

I agree with Gina on this one.  I think you can tell a lot about people by the people they hang out with.  Now you are not the sort of person this woman is, but people may get the wrong idea if you hand out with her in this type of trip.  Apparently your husband did.  He should know better, but I think it's pretty normal to feel a little unnerved by a trip with a woman like that.  Do you think he would be upset if that lady wasn't going and it was just a group of girlfriends?

he has one friend who was a whore-dog for twenty years (he's too old to do that anymore now) and i cant STAND that man.... its a well understood line in the sand with me and Allen though.. "Oh.. you're going to be with THAT person?  ..well ok.. if feel like you must... but i dont like it"  then we lighten to mood with the mommy or daddy line "Now you behave yourself! if they jump off a cliff it doesnt mean you have to!"

i say its fair enough the way we do things. we're jealous but not insanely so lol

just reassure him as best you can. If i found myself in that position.. all alone while the friend is out chasing tails then i would just call my husband and chat with him during that.. or just leave lol i dont have any tolerance for that infidelity stuff, which is why i hate my husband's friend.

sillysally

 when we were dating and it was one of the best weekends we've had together, but I guess I'm just trying to expand my social horizons a bit--a good friend of mine recently moved to Florida so God knows when I will see her again, and beyond her I have only a few close friends (I have trust issues and I'm not a social butterfly)--DH is my best friend and the person I hang out with the most other than my family.  Most women I know have lots of female friends--I feel like I should have more "girlfriends" or something....  

   

I've felt like this sometimes, but you have to do what you want to do, not what you feel like you should do.  Some girls just get along better with men and don't have a big gaggle of girlfriends.  It doesn't mean something is wrong with them, they are just different.  I think you should do whatever you think is going to be the most fun for you.

sillysally

Most women I know have lots of female friends--I feel like I should have more "girlfriends" or something....     

If you want more girlfriends, that's one thing, but I wouldn't compare how many you have vs how many others have and do something that you don't really want to do just to try to improve that. KWIM?  

I don't know the history about this girl at all, but if she lied to YOU or in some way betrayed YOU and your friendship with her, I can see where these others are coming from, but if her issues were between her and her husband only, I don't think that should be a reflection on YOUR relationship with her. Cheating on her husband is a very different situation than betraying a girlfriend. Just because she did one, doesn't mean she can't be trusted with the other. IMO.

Having said all that, I'm like you in that DH is my best friend. If he wanted to go, he'd be the first one I would choose to go with. I definitely wouldn't go with this girl because of a need to expand horizons or have more girlfriends.  

Well if I can be brutally frank?

This woman doesn't sound like good faithful friend material, if she cannot even be a faithful wife. Both relationships are heavily based upon commitment and trust...and she seems to lack both. I personally...would stay away....but that's just me. Every now and again meet ups etc are one thing, but overnights with partying quite another.

I am like you in respect to making friends....but I do know women well enough, that I have very few women friends lol. Many times people like this like to have "followers" people who they think need "some drama in your life...loosen up a little will ya?". I've been burned by such people before...and I could be totally off base.

But, there it is!

i'm the same way. the majority of my time is spent with my husband. before i met him i had more guy friends - not boyfriends.. just guys.. i was one of the boys so to speak. when i was in first grade my mom said i could invite ALL of my friends to my birthday.. all boys showed up. she thought the girls moms had something better to do, or were snubbing us... no. i just didnt have ANY girl friends at that age. if you couldnt play in the dirt, catch lizards, climb trees or let caterpillars crawl up your arm i couldnt be bothered with you. in fact i would probably be the one chasing you around the play ground with some icky bug lol

these days its just me.. and my boys lol and the dogs. sometimes i think i want girl friends to hang out.. other moms and such things. i've been "clubbing" with some girls.. i did it because i felt like i SHOULD! because that was normal.... but by the night was over i just wanted to go home.

The forum here is all i need for girl friends lol Gina's right... some girls like that just want followers and make excitement where THEY think there needs to be excitement. i've seen marriages go up in flames because of people like that "WHAT?? he doesnt want you to GO?? He's such a ^$&&@.. you can do better than that, honeslty.. I think you should come withe me anyway and have some FUN who CARES what he says/thinks/does"

i avoid people like that..  i understand if you want to go, or still go. i think its ok every now and then, but i would be sure to NOT follow her lead... especially if you dont agree with it. i would, in a situation like that, just do my own thing. find a group of people and start chatting to them.

anyway, good luck what ever you decide.  

ottoluv

I agree with Gina on this one.  I think you can tell a lot about people by the people they hang out with.  Now you are not the sort of person this woman is, but people may get the wrong idea if you hand out with her in this type of trip.  Apparently your husband did.  He should know better, but I think it's pretty normal to feel a little unnerved by a trip with a woman like that.  Do you think he would be upset if that lady wasn't going and it was just a group of girlfriends?

Anybuddy feel the earth shake or anything?  Kelly and I agreeing?  whooo hooo!!!  (Sorry - I know Kelly's giggling too!! We're beginning to make a habit of this!!)  But I guess a number of us are in agreement here -- so that, in itself, may be a little bit significant.

But I'm gonna offer just another tiny twist to add to it.

Granted -- I honestly think the profession has something to do with this, and your husband is gonna hear far more of the guy noises that surround something like this than you will.  I'm not being sexist -- but I'd bet since this isn't a truly uncommon thing for you to do, I have to wonder if it's just possible that he's heard stories about what goes on at such conferences and how hairy it might get.  **OR** I'd have to wonder if he's heard gossip about this particular woman -- and in either case, I'd probably be wanting to ask him what was behind his decision if he can/will share that.

Add that to what probably amounts to a genuine concern about what a loose cannon she might be I can see where he would likely get wigged out.  He also probably has a decent notion that you're looking for more female friendship and this is NOT where he would be comfy seeing you expand it.  I think it's a valid question to ask "howcome it was ok with _____ but not this time?" said not in an accusatory tone but genuinely wanting to KNOW what's the difference.

At the risk of sounding like a little old lady, I can tell you I've gone on stuff like this and I can look back on it and say "Hmm,I shoulda KNOWN better than to have gone with HER."  I've gotten myself into situations like that where I heartily regretted allowing myself to be put in that situation.  When you go to something like that, you put yourself a bit at risk -- what happens if she picks someone up and you go back to the room and it's "occupied" (because EVERYONE is sharing a room and whoever she snags may lack privacy too).  The deal is often people will try to pick someone "really responsible" (and that's likely you) to go with figuring they won't get suckered with extra costs, but also they may think they can push the envelope with you and you won't get nasty. 

For ME it would be different if I was sharing a room with her vs. having my OWN room and my OWN transportation.  I have been on the wrong side of those too many times and I just don't 'go there'.

Probably the only real wisdom I can offer is to look really closely at this gal -- does she tend to impose?  Is it easy for her to let someone else pay? Is she being a bit less responsible at work since she's 'alone' or more so? 

I'd like to think, for your benefit, that this gal sees something in you she'd like to develop, but I tend to think your husband, at the very least, may either know something you don't about her or he sees something IN her that is worrisome.

I honestly worry little about having girlfriends... I truly enjoy spending time with my husband and we get precious little of it together.  If I had the chance to sneak off to a nice hotel with my husband for a weekend and have it be completely and utterly deductible for both of you, I'd probably jump at it.  When I come to doing a thing my husband would have ZERO interest in, then I'd probably be more apt to do it with a girlfriend ... but when it's part of a business background you both share ... I'd probably especially want to go with him.

And seriously, the other way to look at it is to completely turn the shoe onto the other foot.  What if you know your husband had hooked up with someone kicking up their heels after a divorce who had invited your husband to a party weekend with him??  If it were ME in that situation I'd feel heartsick ... particularly if it were work-related and we were both in the same field/company.  I'd feel like everyone was looking at HIM wondering why the heck he didn't bring his wife!

Does that make sense?