Eeek - I need help/input!

My brother just went thru something similar with his new mother in law.  His now wife's mom has a son from a second marriage.  He's autistic.  And, at first she wanted him at the church and reception.  And, so did my new sister in law.  But, they ended up agreeing to have someone watch him for the day.  But, my brother and her went over after the church to take pictures with him to include him in the day.  Maybe something like that would work??

I ended up having to have a very young baby at my night reception!  I didn't want any young children but it was either he came too or DH's cousins couldn't be there.  So, what could I say, no?? 

I understand what you are saying, but this is his brother.  It is not his fault that her parenting skills are non-existent.  I wonder if you can put this spin on the situation:  Offer to your FMIL that since she will be so busy being the mother of the groom at the ceremony and you want her to enjoy the ceremony as much as possible, you will find someone to sit with A at the back of the church.  That way if he can still watch his big brother and new big sister walk down the aisle, but if he needs to get up and move around, the babysitter can move him outside of the church.  Of course this is all in FMIL's and A's best interest...wink, wink, nod, nod.  :)

Good luck!

Sue 

Since he is technically family, I'd see if she would agree to a compromise.  There's no point in a little kid being there the entire time.  He WILL get bored and tired, eventually cranky and throwing fits.  Can he be there to be in some pictures and then either attend the wedding OR the reception?  Or even offer to pay for a babysitter?  Honestly I don't know anyone that would take a 5 year old to a wedding and the whole reception even if it was encouraged.

I had kids at my wedding, but some of my best friends are too cheap for babysitters so they would not have come.  We had an open-house style reception (buffet of food, no assigned seating) so we setup one of our tables as the "kids" table with toys and coloring stuff to keep them occupied.  

But, it's YOUR wedding.  If you don't want kids, no kids. 

My fiance didn't really want A at the ceremony either if that makes any difference.  He can't stand A's behavior either. 

Yea I'm ok with him at the reception now as that's pretty informal (though I am still a bit concerned about some hazards at the site like ponds and construction), but I still just don't want to risk the ceremony - if he's in the chapel regardless of where, I'm concerned he's going to try to run at Maggie when she's walking down the aisle, throwing her off and potentially stressing her to the point of non-performance and/or crappy pictures (more superficial, but still an important part).

Whatever I do, I am presenting it as in the interests of my FMIL and A, not that "I want..." as I know being demanding probably won't get me anywhere.

Do you think I could do something like saying he can come to the ceremony IF she can prove that A can be quiet and still for 40 mins at the rehersal (with the stipulation that if he makes one peep, he'll stay with a sitter during the ceremony)? 

If neither you nor your fiance want A to be there, then stick with your original plan of no kids.  Explain to the FMIL that children cannot be expected to sit still, & quiet for a 40 minute ceremony.  Try to make it as though you are not being selfish, but looking out for the best interest of the kids.

If she still insists, & you decide to let A attend, then I recommend that your fiance threaten A within an inch of his life, prior to the ceremony.  Maybe fear of fiance carrying through will be enough to keep the kid well behaved.

 What if you convinced A that he didn't want to go? As in, explained how boring it would be, maybe even found a video of a super boring wedding ceremony, and got him on your side?

I like your idea of hiring a sitter, I think that's a great backup idea.

My half-brother got married recently and my older half-brother attended with his wife and their 2-year-old. Now the little girl is a sweetie, but she's still 2. Half-brother 2 wanted her in his wedding, so half-brother 1 attempted to oblige. This resulted in half brother 1's wife missing the whole ceremony because the little girl was being fidgety and distracting, so the wife had to take her daughter elsewhere. And this was at an outdoor wedding. I think using examples like that might help you win the MIL over.

As a sweet young thing (lol) I don't have a lot of life experience with this sort of stuff, but it seems to me like now might be a good time to start setting some boundaries with your MIL. Although I hate to say it, since she is alcoholic the chances of you guys having a super duper relationship are pretty slim anyway, and also as a result of the alcoholism she is no doubt not well-practiced with respecting other people's boundaries. If you two are going to clash anyway, you might as well put your foot down now. This is YOUR wedding, and particularly as both you and your fiance agree that A should not be there, your future MIL needs to respect your wishes. I'm sure you can work out a compromise so that MIL and A feel like A is being valued/included without jeopardizing the ceremony you're hoping for.

This situation stinks and I'm sorry you have to slog through it. :( Best wishes to you, I hope everything turns out smoothly! 

 It didn't help that she found out about the "no kids" idea when she was fairly drunk (she's an alcoholic in case that makes a difference).

The above worries me more, as far as day of concerns, than the child!

Well, being an alcoholic does make a difference.  You always walk on eggshells around one.  Maybe "A" can come to the ceremony, but she can find a sitter for the reception.  Explain to her (when she's sober, if possible) that there will be no other children there and that he'll be bored out of his mind and do nothing but drive her crazy the whole night!!!  Maybe if you describe it as her problem, she'll want to get a sitter so she can enjoy herself.  Also, you may want to talk to "A" or have your fiance talk to him (or both of you) and explain he must be on his best behavior, not pestering the dog during the ceremony, if he does behave, he'll get a surprise, and maybe buy him something little, a bribe never hurts when you want something bad enough!  (like an enjoyable wedding)  Hope everything works out for you, and hopefully you can get thru to your FMIL, it makes it 10 times harder when they're incoherent because their drunk! 

I think if neither of you want A there, then thats how it should be. This is your day so your concerns come first. If you do want to compromise then I think your idea about letting him attend the rehearsal and 1 peep and hes out is a good one. She has to understand that you don't want a child that wont behave at your wedding. Even a really well behaved 5 year old is going to be bored out of his mind at a long wedding. Convincing A that he doesn't want to go could also be good.

I think that when you talk to FMIL about this you need to make sure she is not drunk. Alcoholics can be very difficult to deal with. Your best bet would be to catch her after her first drink (she is calmer and not worrying about getting the drink), but before she isn't incredibly intoxicated. I'm sorry you have to deal with an alcoholic as a MIL. Not easy.

At our wedding this really wasn't an issue. We didn't make a no kids rule, but my family wouldn't bring a child that doesn't behave. We hired a sitter to watch the kids whose parent's didn't feel would be able to sit through the service. Even the children who did attend the service were dropped at the sitter after they had food and dessert. Basically one sister left the 2 youngest with the sitter the whole time. The older children (a 7 year old and a 9 and 10 year old) attended the service but were dropped at the sitter an hour or so into the reception. We had some teenagers too, but they stayed through the service.

 Well a gift isn't a bad idea for A if he behaves.  Don't grooms usually get gifts for their groomsmen anyway?  Adding his little brother to that wouldn't be a bad idea.  Make it a big gift..size wise anyway.  Wrap it up with interesting paper and ribbons and show it to him before the ceremony.  Tell him if he's good, he can have it after.  Then put a bit of the paper you wrapped it in, close to the place he's sitting as a visual reminder of his 'Prize'. 

Another idea... I like to be crafty...hehe.  Does FMIL have any friends that you could confide in?  Maybe one of them could help you out.  They could pretend they don't know anything about your argument, and just casually bring up some story about an idiot that tried to make their 6 year old(ya make the kid older) sit through a wedding and the kid ended up, oh I don't know, running up and sticking his head up the brides dress to see why it was so poofy.  The parents had to take him out of the church and the poor bride was so upset she almost decided not to go through with the wedding....(true story by the way).

The only other thing I can think of is to put him somewhere where he can't see you dog.  He'll wonder why everyone is standing up and awwing, but he's got to be shorter than mostly everyone there right?  

Aside from that, do you have a gameboy?  They can keep kids busy for hours.... 

This can be a very sticky situation and you certainly don't want to start a family war before you are even married. If I were you I would just bow out of any decisions or conversations with your FML and tell your fiance he has to handle it. It's his mother and it's his brother. That way it will not look like the bad guy. Inlaw dynamics can be very difficult. My DH and I live by the rule - If there is a problem with your side of the family, you deal with it! We will discuss it, we will support one another, but the dirty work is done by the one whose family is involved.

If none of the other good suggestions posted here work for you, I'd vote for having a sitter there to just deal with/take care of A. That way, if he starts getting antsy she can take him someplace else.  You won't have to actually say he's not invited or tell FMIL that she's the one who will have to take him out if he starts misbehaving.  Personally, I think that's a lot to ask of even a well behaved 5 year old - to sit through a wedding and behave during a reception .

Joyce

Great, just great.

You all have been wonderful and great at brainstorming, but my fiance is being rather, umm, frustrating. We've come to some conclusions about how we're going to deal with this, but he's really rethinking his stance and regretting how this has developed so he's not as willing to back me up as I had hoped.

After a looong argument/discussion, we've come to the conclusion that we'll present 3 options to his mom (while she's somewhat sober):

idea 1: my original idea about allowing A at the reception, but having a sitter for the ceremony

idea 2: make A's attendance at the wedding contingent on his being able to sit still and quiet for 45 mins during the rehearsal - one peep equals him staying with a babysitter during the ceremony

idea 3: hire baby sitter to sit next to A during the ceremony and remove him when he gets fidgety so my FMIL can stay for the ceremony and as little disruption as possible occurs, possibly combined with the bribe idea mentioned by someone in an earlier post

Sigh...we're planning on doing this in january after my fiance has had some time to figure out if his mom is cooled off from the initial discussion. Wish me luck! Feel free to make more suggestions, too - I can still use all the help I can get.