Should I let her go?(Bullymom)

Cassidys Mom

As much as I love my hubby, knowing that he's so much more casual about things than I am, (even without kids I think like a mom!), I'd probably worry too, especially around reptiles.

That's it in a nutshell. Casual is a great word....perfect in fact.

IDK, I know that it would really cause some resentment in my house if I told DH that he couldn't take our kids somewhere for a few days because I didn't trust him.  DH does some things differently than I do with the dogs, but at the end of the day he keeps them safe, and I've learned to back off on the mother-henning because he is really bothered by thinking that I don't trust his judgment. 

 You're a mom.  Its your job to worry.  But as a father, he has a job too.  Not only to take care of his children, but to support you when you need it.  And woman... you need a break.  Sure you'll worry the whole time maybe.  There's a phone.  Have him call everynight so you can check in. 

Kali's father would not be happy with me if I decided that he wasn't allowed to take Kali somewhere. 

Cassidys Mom

As much as I love my hubby, knowing that he's so much more casual about things than I am, (even without kids I think like a mom!), I'd probably worry too

Oh, I'd worry. Make no mistake about it! The first time I left my dogs with my husband overnight, I worried. But I shared my concern with him and let him know that I needed to hear from him that he would really take extra steps to make sure they were ok and taken care of and everything was fine. He stepped up to the plate. What I'm saying is that without giving him that opportunity, I would never have known just how trustworthy he is with my "babies". And you never know what lessons might be learned by mother, father and child by such an experience. JMO.

As far as the reptile...  Has it ever bitten anyone? Isn't it in a cage? Is the daughter likely to wake up with this thing in her bed?

I can only think of 2 reasons you would not let your DH take Madison for 5 days. Either he is totally irresponsible or you have control issues - and only one of these is a valid reason IMO.  I think spending this time with her father would be a wonderful thing for Madison. Unfortunately fathers don't get the opportunity to spend one on one time with their daughters like moms do. It is very special and should be encouraged as much as possible. So what if he doesn't do everything the way you would. Maybe she won't eat the same or have the same routine or get her hair brushed properly. Things will be different for her, but that makes their time together even more special. On the rare occasions my dad took me with him, I can still remember how special it made me feel. I felt like his little princess! - and that's exactly how he treated me. (sigh, flashback to warm fussy memories)

You get Madison all to yourself the majority of the time, I suspect. Let your DH experience that too. Nice break for you. Great bonding and learning experience for DH. Loving memory for Madison. It's a WIN,WIN,WIN situation.

Cassidys Mom

I don't have kids, but I can tell you from my experience with dogs that my hubby, (who is a great guy that grew up with, and LOVES dogs) has a completely different interpretation of the word "watch" than I do. To me, when my dogs were little puppies, watch meant eyes on. If I couldn't actually see them, I wasn't watching them. To him, having them somewhere in the near vicinity, like in the same room but with his back to them while he played games on his computer, was "watching" the dog. Guess who had more puppy accidents on their "watch"?

Oh good grief you are married to my man aren't you??  He's a bigamist!  Arrghhh!!

Normally, the whole "watching" thing wouldn't be an issue and I would agree with the posters who have said:  Take the break you need, let her go and let him learn a little on the job.  But in light of what the trip is for, will he have time to "watch" her - and I mean REALLy watch??  And thinking of the activities that will be going on.... could be dangerous for a kiddie not being watched.. and I don't mean just man-watched either. I mean full-on mum-watched.  She will probably come back fine, but Bullymom will have a head full of grey hair by then, if she is not bald from anxiety.  And thats not a marriage problem, thats just the way mums ARE.  I can understand that now!

I think men generally just don't have the same kid-instincts that women do. Some men have them, and some women don't, but I think it's probably like 90% of women do, and 90% of men don't. My brother-in-law has instincts for HIS kid, but throw another kid into the mix, and he's lost. My cousin-in-law doesn't have them. He's a perfectly fine dad, but he just doesn't have the "don't-roll-over-on-your-kid-while-sleeping" instinct, for example, nor the "eyes in the back of head" one, which is a really big one... It seems most women know where kids are and what they're doing without being able to see them, and most men just don't.

chelsea_b

I think men generally just don't have the same kid-instincts that women do

That explains my hubby!!  We have been married almost 6 years and I still don't even like to leave the dogs alone with him!!  He just doesn't watch them the way that I think he should.  He gets to watching t.v. or doing something else and nothing else matters.  I have been talking to him and he wasn't even listening because he was busy doing something else.  He cannot multi-task!!  He can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.  He says that he wants to take Madison with him but I think it's more guilt than anything.  He is working out of town so much now and I get to see him maybe one day a week.  I always have Madison.  I get a break from her maybe once a month or less.  It is stressful.  I think she would have fun up there but her Daddy will have to be on alert!  About the alligator, it has bit my husband's brother a few times!  I just don't want Madison to be left unattended and have her fingers get bitten off!  I still don't know why a 12 year old boy has an alligator.  I want her to go with him!!!  I need a serious break.  I know I will worry about her but I think that we both need some time away from each other.  She used to be in daycare while I worked but I took her out because I was basically just working to pay the daycare.  I stay home with her now and it's just us and the dogs.  It's really hard on me and my husband says that he understands but I don't think he does.  Madison has pushed me to the point of tears.  I have tried everything with her, time out, take things away, and nothing seems to work with her.  The one thing that I have found that really bothers her is when I step out of the picture.  I can go to the store and leave her with her daddy and it drives her crazy.  But once she sees that I have gone for a while, she is fine.  Doesn't give her daddy a single problem.  I AM her problem.  I know that but I cannot figure out how to change it.  I am most likely going to let her go with her daddy.  That's the only thing that I haven't tried!  He can call me and let me know how things are going and he and I are going to have a talk before they go! 

If you're feeling a good deal of worry about it, maybe there's a reason for it?

My father loves me very much and has tried his best to be a wonderful father. HOWEVER, I do remember vividly one time when I was about 3-4 years old my father was trying to teach me how to ride my tricycle in the park across from our house and I refused to try because I didn't have a helmet on. I started crying, and my father got really annoyed and so left me and went home.

Yep, you read that right - left a 4 year old kid alone in the park while he went home. Granted, the park was just across the street, but... it was still across a *street.* And I was *4*.

My father is much more of a "school of hard knocks" kind of parent. As in, if you're too careful and the kid never gets hurt then the kid will never learn. In retrospect, I think my mother was perfectly reasonable in her refusal to allow me to go with my father alone for any extended periods of time (as in, several hours or more).

Doesn't mean my father is a bad person, just a not-super-responsible parent.

I also think some of the people here questioning your concerns aren't parents themselves? I might be wrong, but it seems to me at least (as a non-parent) that this sort of issue only a parent could really understand.

So go with your instincts. I bet either way it will work out just fine. Don't let people discount your concerns just out of hand, though, seriously think about them and talk about them with your husband and perhaps even his family and see if you can find a solution that works for everyone. 

chelsea_b

I think men generally just don't have the same kid-instincts that women do. Some men have them, and some women don't, but I think it's probably like 90% of women do, and 90% of men don't. My brother-in-law has instincts for HIS kid, but throw another kid into the mix, and he's lost. My cousin-in-law doesn't have them. He's a perfectly fine dad, but he just doesn't have the "don't-roll-over-on-your-kid-while-sleeping" instinct, for example, nor the "eyes in the back of head" one, which is a really big one... It seems most women know where kids are and what they're doing without being able to see them, and most men just don't.

I think that's so true, and it doesn't necessarily have anything do with being a good, caring, or even responsible parent. I think most men just aren't born with those instincts and most women are.  I've never had any particular desire to have human kids, but I do think I have very strong maternal instincts, I just manifest them in other ways. 

He just doesn't watch them the way that I think he should.  He gets to watching t.v. or doing something else and nothing else matters.  I have been talking to him and he wasn't even listening because he was busy doing something else.  He cannot multi-task!!  He can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

Yep, my hubby is the same way - he gets involved in a computer game and the house could come crashing down around him and he wouldn't notice. He tunes me out all the time (and I am NOT one of those women who prattle on incessantly, I speak when I have something to say), but not intentionally, he truly doesn't "hear" me. Sometimes I pretend not to hear him as a joke, so he can see just how annoying it is to have a conversation with the back of someone's head, and I can't do it. No matter what I'm doing, no matter how hard I'm concentrating, I ALWAYS hear him when he talks to me.

Chuffy, it seems like my hubby has a few clones out there!  

Luvntzus

It sounds like she is able to intimidate you and that you haven't been consistent with her.

Thats really easy to say over the computer, not knowing the whole situation, or the child themselves.

I don't think you meant to offend, but heck even I was offended by that.  Children have a very very broad spectrum of personalities.  They also go through alot of different phases.   

 Yeah, but i wonder if that's because women are geared more towards child rearing to begin with--as in from birth pretty much.  I bet if you watch a stay at home dad he does every bit as well as a stay at home mom does as far as keeping the kids safe because that's their job.   It makes sense that whoever spends more time with the kid is going to be the more skilled parent.

Bullymom

chelsea_b

I think men generally just don't have the same kid-instincts that women do

 

That explains my hubby!!  We have been married almost 6 years and I still don't even like to leave the dogs alone with him!!  He just doesn't watch them the way that I think he should.  He gets to watching t.v. or doing something else and nothing else matters.  I have been talking to him and he wasn't even listening because he was busy doing something else.  He cannot multi-task!!  He can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.  He says that he wants to take Madison with him but I think it's more guilt than anything.  He is working out of town so much now and I get to see him maybe one day a week.  I always have Madison.  I get a break from her maybe once a month or less.  It is stressful.  I think she would have fun up there but her Daddy will have to be on alert!  About the alligator, it has bit my husband's brother a few times!  I just don't want Madison to be left unattended and have her fingers get bitten off!  I still don't know why a 12 year old boy has an alligator.  I want her to go with him!!!  I need a serious break.  I know I will worry about her but I think that we both need some time away from each other.  She used to be in daycare while I worked but I took her out because I was basically just working to pay the daycare.  I stay home with her now and it's just us and the dogs.  It's really hard on me and my husband says that he understands but I don't think he does.  Madison has pushed me to the point of tears.  I have tried everything with her, time out, take things away, and nothing seems to work with her.  The one thing that I have found that really bothers her is when I step out of the picture.  I can go to the store and leave her with her daddy and it drives her crazy.  But once she sees that I have gone for a while, she is fine.  Doesn't give her daddy a single problem.  I AM her problem.  I know that but I cannot figure out how to change it.  I am most likely going to let her go with her daddy.  That's the only thing that I haven't tried!  He can call me and let me know how things are going and he and I are going to have a talk before they go! 

What is your daughter, about 3 or 4?

When I was 5 my dad and his family wanted to take me down to Florida with them (we live in Indiana).  My parents had been divorced a couple of years by that time (and I'd only just recently starting visiting him regularly again) and my dad is not the most parental guy in the world--and my mom was a very over-protective mother.  Mom told me it was the hardest thing she ever did, but she let me go.  However, despite my mom's extreme worry, it was fine.  I got to spend time with my cousins, spend some alone time with Dad--it was great. 

Bullymom

chelsea_b

I think men generally just don't have the same kid-instincts that women do

 

That explains my hubby!!  We have been married almost 6 years and I still don't even like to leave the dogs alone with him!!  He just doesn't watch them the way that I think he should.  He gets to watching t.v. or doing something else and nothing else matters.  I have been talking to him and he wasn't even listening because he was busy doing something else.  He cannot multi-task!!  He can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.  He says that he wants to take Madison with him but I think it's more guilt than anything.  He is working out of town so much now and I get to see him maybe one day a week.  I always have Madison.  I get a break from her maybe once a month or less.  It is stressful.  I think she would have fun up there but her Daddy will have to be on alert!  About the alligator, it has bit my husband's brother a few times!  I just don't want Madison to be left unattended and have her fingers get bitten off!  I still don't know why a 12 year old boy has an alligator.  I want her to go with him!!!  I need a serious break.  I know I will worry about her but I think that we both need some time away from each other.  She used to be in daycare while I worked but I took her out because I was basically just working to pay the daycare.  I stay home with her now and it's just us and the dogs.  It's really hard on me and my husband says that he understands but I don't think he does.  Madison has pushed me to the point of tears.  I have tried everything with her, time out, take things away, and nothing seems to work with her.  The one thing that I have found that really bothers her is when I step out of the picture.  I can go to the store and leave her with her daddy and it drives her crazy.  But once she sees that I have gone for a while, she is fine.  Doesn't give her daddy a single problem.  I AM her problem.  I know that but I cannot figure out how to change it.  I am most likely going to let her go with her daddy.  That's the only thing that I haven't tried!  He can call me and let me know how things are going and he and I are going to have a talk before they go! 

Poor you

My advice is, get her back to nursery, even if you work during that time to pay for it!  You need a break from her and (I don't mean to be nasty) I think she needs a break from you too. 

Poor you!  I hope you can work something out soon, for both of your sakes.