Dog Community

Drug and alcohol problem...

Posted : 7/5/2006 9:56:22 AM

So, I've run out of ideas and I am so sick of this...we need HELP.

My younger sister is 17 (about to turn 18 at the end of the month) has some serious drug and alcohol problems. Apparently, she has been smoking pot everyday, smoking cigarettes, and drinking! This, apparently, has been going on since she was 13 or 14, but now she just does it out in the open and doesn't care. We have been through a lot in our lives (parents divorced she was 5 I was 11, dad died I was 19 she was 13, and then dad's family took all of his things) They said we don't deserve anything because they don't think we spent enough time with him while he was sick. Mind you, I lived with him after his liver transplant and took care of EVERYTHING for three months all by myself while going to college and working a part time job. Angry

Anyway that is a story that I don't need to get into right now. I no longer live at home and haven't for about 3 years now, but everyone turns to me for help. My mom has been telling me about my sisters habits, but I had no idea how bad this was until recently. A few weeks ago she was at a concert with some friends and the cops picked them up for underage drinking. How stupid can she be? She even only looks like she is 12 and she is drinking out in public! Anyway my mom had to go pick her up from the concert (an hours drive) and take her home. Then, last night I was at my mom's picking up my youngest sister because she was coming to stay with me (my mom just got a permanent position at her job[

], but it is night turn Angry

). Either way, my mom needs this job and had to take the shift. So my 17 y/o sister come home with some people and she is soooooo drunk. I was so angry, but I wasn't going to talk to her about it then. As we were leaving more and more people were coming to the house....I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I should have called the cops or what, but I don't want my mom to get in trouble for my sister's irresponsible stupidity.

She is going to be going to school in October...medical assistant. I want her to make it through the program, but she just barely made it through high school. She has spent so much time trying to be the complete opposite of me (I've never had a drink, smoked, done drugs, bad grades, etc) I just don't think she cares about anything anymore [&o]. I know she's going to be 18 soon, but is there anything my mom can do? She wants her to talk to a psychologist, but I dont know if that will help the drug and alcohol thing...who knows what other drugs she is on...her mood swings are ridiculous. I just don't want to be supporting her sometime down the road because she couldn't get herself together when she was younger. Another thing is our 11 year old sister that is seeing all of this. I really don't want her to go the same way. What do I do?

willowchow

Posted : 7/5/2006 10:17:38 AM

I think a start would be for your mom to talk to her doctor or pediatrician to get some advice or a referral. She's going to need professional therapy and they can get her going in the right direction. If she doesn't have a doctor then maybe just call a therapist and they can get it started. But, your moms got to take this on, not you, just my opinion.

cyclefiend2000

Posted : 7/5/2006 10:21:51 AM

this may sound harsh, but sometimes people need for life to slap them in the face. if i were your mom, i would tell her that the free-ride ends at 18 and she needs to find another place to live. once she is burdened with having to fend for herself she may not be as inclined to spend as much money on her vices. not saying your family cant help her out once she is headed in the right direction, but until then i would let her fend for herself.

my stepson, is in a very bad place in his life right now as well. he is 23. we tried to help him out by letting him live with us after his dad kicked him out. the plan was for him to get his life back on track and then find his own place. he was seemingly headed in the right direction, and then he just disappeared in february. we havent seen him since (my wife has seen him on the street a couple of times, but hasnt talked to him). is he welcome back in our house? nope! we gave him more than one chance, now it is his problem to figure things out.

FWIW: i would have called the cops on her.

cakana

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:13:16 AM

I wish I had something encouraging to say, but I was a wild child much like your sister and I can honestly say I can't think of anything anyone could've done to turn me around at that time. It may not seem fun to you (or me anymore) but she's having the time of her life and it's pretty hard to convince someone that there are consequences to their actions at the age of 17 or 18 (or later for some and forever for even others). I agree that it's time though for tough love. My dad put his foot down when I was 18 and rather than accept his rules, I packed up and moved in with a girlfriend. Don't know what I was thinking, but I learned fast that I'd need a job. I got a crummy job but from that moment on, I started growing up and things really turned around.

I know this must be hard to watch. My brother (the oldest of us kids) was bright, successful, never in trouble, and I know it just killed him to watch my sister and me headed down the wrong path. I can tell you that although he couldn't stop my behavior, even then I felt badly when he looked at me with such disappointment. Be honest with your sister and even if just a little bit gets thru, it might help.

magilacudy

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:18:06 AM

I've seen this many times. Some kids work well with theropy, some don't and wont accept it. I agree that at the age of 18, if she has not done anything to get help, then she would be out of my house. She will be an adult and have to make choices as an adult. Some times the more you feel sorry for the person and try to help, is only going to end up worse. Just because your sister had a rough childhood is no excuse for her to be doing what she is doing. I could write a book on my childhood, and I am fine.

Tough love, is what I would use. It's hard on you and your mother, but your sister needs to be responsible for herself. I drank in highschool and there were a few times I came home drunk. And I will admit I did smoke a little pot. But I was not a partier, some kids just go through this. I never carried on with it , but I have some friends to this day that still live like that. I believe it's because their parents didn't do anything, they were spoiled.

So again I say, at 18 if she has not gotten her stuff together, let her go on her own.

smilee1079

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:35:15 AM

My older sis was a wild child and I did everything to NOT be like her. She is now almost 31 (I am 26) and she is still not getting steady jobs etc. because her past comes back to haunt her.

The one thing I think my parents did wrong was helping her with money and a place to stay every time she needed it. She took advantage, and even stole from them but they kept saying, we can't not help her. Yes, they could. If she was forced to survive, she would have and stopped taking advantage.

My sister and I were raised in the same house our entire lives. I don't think my parents did anything wrong in raising her, but the funny thing is there is not ONE similarity between us. She was adopted at birth and I think some of her issues are genetic.

sharismom

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:41:41 AM

Yeah, it's tough. My son is going through this right now. He'll be 18 in October and I told him if his head isn't out of his rear-end, he will be out. His bags will be on the porch when he gets home on his birthday. It's been a long, difficult road with him already and I am doing it alone. I love him very much but he has so much to learn.

Let's hope your sister learns before it is too late. Try not to enable her.

georgie4682

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:50:06 AM

Thanks for the responses. I just hope I can get my mom moving to do something about this. I told her to take her key and just lock her out of the house at night. That would at least keep the random people from wandering around my mom's house. I also told her to tell my sister to get out when she turns 18 OR start helping with the bills. If she gets caught underage drinking again she won't be able to go into the medical field...then maybe she'll wake up and realize that it's time to grow up a little...or maybe she'll just get worse.

I just feel like she uses her past as an excuse all the time...she just randomly starts crying about missing our dad, but then can turn around and be a total b****. I don't know if she's depressed or just acting out for some other reason. I am going to talk my mom into making her a Dr. appt today.

boneyjean

Posted : 7/5/2006 11:52:50 AM

I agree with using tough love....when they come back for help and aren't getting their act together you are just enabling them to continue on their path and that isn't at all what you are intending. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom b/f they are willing to even see there is another side to life. A lot of times an addict will seemingly be getting their act together for a good period of time and suddenly everything changes and they are back on that path again b/f you even know what happened. There is nothing you can do to make them stop unless they take responsibility for their actions and their life and their problems. Addicts want instant gratification and don't want to work for happiness.

I think trying a therapist is a good idea....it may or may not go over, but it is worth a try.

EDA: It might not be a bad idea for you to even seek therapy just to know what you are dealing with and to help understand addiction a little better. Another good and inexpensive resource would be to go to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is a place for the friends and family members of alcoholics to come. You can apply it to any sort of addiction though and it is a great place to go and is of minimal cost. I used to go ang they asked for a $1 donation each time which was well worth it. Some people enjoy it more than others but it does make you face what you are dealing with with your loved ones and understand the complexity of addiction. If you do a search online you can find meetings in your area and if you do decide to get a few therapy sessions, your therapist should know of a good meeting to suggest as well.

jeano

Posted : 7/5/2006 12:58:44 PM

I think Al-Anon is a good idea for you, and it will help give you some support.

I think your sister has a different way of showing her grief/stress etc. over the bad things that happened in the past. She needs counseling, and possibly a treatment center.

If you can get a real intervention together for her, I'd do that. Al-Anon can help you with that. An intervention isn't easy, but it could get your sister to get some help.

On the other hand it's horrible, but you may have to just watch her work her way to the bottom before she's willing to change. Unfortunately many people don't get help until they really crash: are homeless, have a crisis, etc. It's scary and heartwrenching and I'm sorry you have to go through this!

Drugs and alcohol numb pain. That's why people do them. I really feel for you, hang in there and go get some support for yourself.

Hugs!

cakana

Posted : 7/5/2006 2:28:55 PM

I am a huge advocate of all of the AA programs. I started going to Alateen when I was 13 and ended up at Alanon mtgs several years ago. One of the most important things you learn is how the disease affects everyone in the family. Your mom wants to help your sister, you want to help your mom and your sister and pretty soon, everyone's drawn to the disease like a moth to a flame. It's normal to want to help and it's very, very hard to detach, but sometimes it's absolutely the most important thing you can do. There are some excellent books "Beyond Codependence" is one and "Codependent No More" is another one. It gives you a great insight into your own behaviors when dealing with someone you love who has addictions. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, when others learn how to act appropriately with the person affected by the disease, they begin to change. One saying that is so fitting is "nothing changes, if nothing changes".
Good luck to all of you. I know how heartbreaking and frustrating this can be.

probe1957

Posted : 7/5/2006 2:55:53 PM

Let me suggest to you that there really is nothing all that unusual about 17-18 year old kids drinking and smoking pot. It isn't the end of the world. Many of us did it, at that age. Some of us grew up to be productive members of society, not addicted to heroin and not selling our gorgeous bodies on the street corner, for our next fix.

I think the last thing you want to do is over react. Frankly, that is what you seem to be doing. That being said, there absolutely should be consequences. If these girls live with your mother, those consequences need to come from her. If there are no consequences she is, in essence, approving of the behavior. Her house, her rules.

cyclefiend2000

Posted : 7/5/2006 3:06:35 PM

ORIGINAL: probe1957

Let me suggest to you that there really is nothing all that unusual about 17-18 year old kids drinking and smoking pot. It isn't the end of the world. Many of us did it, at that age. Some of us grew up to be productive members of society, not addicted to heroin and not selling our gorgeous bodies on the street corner, for our next fix.

I think the last thing you want to do is over react. Frankly, that is what you seem to be doing. That being said, there absolutely should be consequences. If these girls live with your mother, those consequences need to come from her. If there are no consequences she is, in essence, approving of the behavior. Her house, her rules.

i think billy maybe right on this one. i know i did my fair share of partying (and well past the age of 1

and just look how i turned out! [

] i re-read the original post. georgie mentions that she never drank, smoked pot, etc. so the problem may seem worse than it really is.

that said, there is still nothing wrong with a little reality and being on your own at age 18 (legally an adult). may even be financially beneficial if she is going to college, as there are many more financial aid opportunities to an independent adult female than there are for a kid still living at home.

georgie4682

Posted : 7/5/2006 5:25:52 PM

I really appreciate everyone's responses.
I really don't think I am overreacting. I know I never did any of this and it may seem that I'm just saying this because I think it's so outrageous that she is, but other people feel the same way. My mom and her sisters grew up in the 60s and 70s, they've been through all of this. My fiance went through this period. All of these people have gone through it, but with my sister it is different. It is on a DAILY basis. She gets high and drinks everyday. Even her friends are telling her that she needs to stop doing it everyday...they don't do it everyday. I had friends who did this stuff, whatever, I never thought any of them had problems.

We had three grandparents (that we never met) who died of lung cancer/ throat cancer/ mouth cancer. That is why the smoking bothers me so much. Last night she drank a whole bottle of vodka by herself. She was throwing up all morning, but I don't think it will change her. We are trying to get her to get a job (because she just quit her last one) She owes the high school school money and she won't get her diploma until she pays it off, but she quit her job anyway. Honestly, I do believe that she is depressed and has issues that she just can't deal with. I agree with whoever said that she is just trying to drown them away in the alcohol and drugs. Also, the mood swings are ridiculous and I believe that she is on some other drugs as well. She does want to stop and see a Dr., but she thinks the Dr. will just give her meds to help with depression. I know they won't, they will probably require her to tak with someone.

My mom made an appointment with her Dr. today so hopefully she can get the help we know she needs. I just want my sister back [&o]. My father's death was hard on all of us, and I think it would help if she had a doctor to talk to.

Thanks again!

cakana

Posted : 7/5/2006 6:19:20 PM

I just want my sister back .

I really do understand. Sadly, I haven't seen or talked with my sister in years and it all relates to drug abuse. She's lost everything and even still considers herself the "victim" in all of it. When my dad passed away in Jan., my brother and I sent her a plane ticket and booked her a hotel room. She never made it to the funeral though and we haven't heard from her since. As I said, I really do understand how heartbreaking it is. Your sister's young and hopefully with some professional help, she can pull herself out of this.