Someone please tell me why I shouldn't do this, or give me more reasons to do it

Maybe he is a jerk because he knows people just pretend to like him for his money, but I am doubtful about that, because even those who don't need his money don't like him. Maybe it's just because of my personality that I take so much issue with him. I can be nasty, spiteful, and sarcastic quite a lot.
To address a comment that was made, the other reason for speaking to him, was because of my grandmother. She was a good person, and they were of course a package deal. And, I didn't specifically want his money, so I don't think I can say that he would have been nasty to me as a child because he knew I wanted something from him, but it was my parents who wanted it, who sent my sister and I to spend the summer with him and my grandmother.
And, maybe it is because I have a spiteful personality, but I don't want anything from him, even if he's not alive. I don't want his help, and I don't want to owe him anything. If he writes me out of his will, although I don't think I was ever in it, it's not going to hurt me, because I never had it, and I never expected it.
I think I will write something, I feel very compelled to do it, but I think i'll follow the advice given and not send it, at least not right now. I am glad I asked here, rather than asking my friends, because I think my friends would have just egged me on, which wouldn't have been a good idea.

It's easy to say "tell him the way you feel, tell him off." But I don't think you should. I think the fact alone that he sends you cards and gifts of money is something. He can't be that much of a jerk. But I don't know him personally. Maybe he is a miserable man, but you don't really know what he has been through. You have been told these things and you are getting alot of influence from your family as well. I don't know just my [sm=2cents.gif]

What do you mean you never really expected anything?  Your whole reason for this "hate" is because of the unkept promises for something... that means you are upset, hurt, offended, resentful that he did not give you anything.  While I understand these feelings you absolutely cannot hate him for this, it is his money, and he has no obligation to give it to you or anyone else in your family.  No, he shouldnt have promised it and not held up to it, but again, maybe he realized thats all anyone wanted from him, and thats really sad IMO.  Whats he supposed to do now if he knows everyone is mad at him b/c of his money, start to try to BUY your love??  No way!  And if he does send you cards and never gets a reply I think its great that he even continues to do that... I would have quit LONG ago after getting no thank yous.  Like him or not thats completely wrong... Id even say you need to send him a letter thanking him and apologizing for not doing so.

You yourself said you have a spiteful personality so maybe this is an opportunity for you to be better about that.  If you dont want to have a relationship with him then dont, but really if its b/c of the money I dont know what to say about that other than I highly advise NOT to send him a letter.  Just because he does things you dont agree with, he is an old man who KNOWS his entire family dislikes him - he knows already - he doesnt need you to rub it in.  I dont want to sound harsh but I think your being very hard on him.... his faults aside - hes your family - we all have them.  It is your duty to say thank you for those birthday cards.  Whether you like him or not he remembered your birthday and sent you money and IMO you are obligated to say thank you. 

I really think you need to stop and think long and hard about it all and get yourself into a better place with it...  also, not let the rest of the family influence you to act as rudely as they are.  YOU can be different.

ORIGINAL: griffinej5

Maybe he is a jerk because he knows people just pretend to like him for his money, but I am doubtful about that, because even those who don't need his money don't like him. Maybe it's just because of my personality that I take so much issue with him. I can be nasty, spiteful, and sarcastic quite a lot.
To address a comment that was made, the other reason for speaking to him, was because of my grandmother. She was a good person, and they were of course a package deal. And, I didn't specifically want his money, so I don't think I can say that he would have been nasty to me as a child because he knew I wanted something from him, but it was my parents who wanted it, who sent my sister and I to spend the summer with him and my grandmother.
And, maybe it is because I have a spiteful personality, but I don't want anything from him, even if he's not alive. I don't want his help, and I don't want to owe him anything. If he writes me out of his will, although I don't think I was ever in it, it's not going to hurt me, because I never had it, and I never expected it.
I think I will write something, I feel very compelled to do it, but I think i'll follow the advice given and not send it, at least not right now. I am glad I asked here, rather than asking my friends, because I think my friends would have just egged me on, which wouldn't have been a good idea.

I sure think you ought to rethink your attitude. Sounds like you think you are going to get some "satisfaction" out of being "mean" to your grandfather. No one really gets satisfaction about of things like that. Not really.

He's sent you presents and cards? I'd say take a week or two and calm down. I would be disappointed if you don't feel a little more balanced about it later. But whatever. [sm=sad.gif]

I'm sorry, but this sounds absolutely terrible. 

This man is elderly and it sounds like some of the things he comes out with (like about sex) might be related to his age.  It's not uncommon. 

I can't believe that regardless of what he's said or what your grandmother said that you would even consider taking their money, let alone be mad that he didn't give it to you for college and a car. 

My parents had some bucks and I still got off my butt and worked for my first car and the insurance.  I cashed in some savings bonds for college and paid for the rest myself. 

Maybe it's me, but this is your grandfather!  Maybe he's plannig on leaving money divided up for everyone when he passes on.  Maybe he needs the money he didn't give out for his own funeral.  Or, maybe he doesn't have a secondary medical insurance and wants to make sure he'll be able to cover medical bills, etc.  Hey, maybe he just wants to enjoy the time he's got left.  

If it were my grandfather I'd WANT him to use the money on himself.  Plenty of times my gram tries to give DH and I money for birthdays, etc.  We never cash the checks!  She's started buying use actual gifts now! 

Please re-think this.  I know you're young but really, this is how life it.  You really don't get much handed to you.  And, you're doing just fine by the sounds of it anyway. 

I'm just curious though, have any ever actually asked him for money for a car or whatever??  God, maybe he FORGOT, that's how older people are, especially men!  Maybe, your grandmother never told him what she told all of you, that's not uncommon either! 

Jean, if it makes you feel any better, I think i'm just extra pissed off today because my dad brought it up. I'm usually much more passive aggressive about the whole thing. But, my dad brought it up earlier. Like i'm really supposed to care that someone told him off about it. It doesn't matter,it doesn't change the past, and I realized it was probably to my benefit anyway. It's kind of ironic to me though, that my uncle, who needs my grandfather's money the least of anyone, was the one who told him off. I don't know, maybe that made him feel like a really big man. Maybe he thinks we'll all think he's wonderful for it, but no, he's not much better than his father. He's using his daughter to control a battle over money with his ex-wife. I can't say I can have too much respect for a person who would do that either.

I can't say i'm going to like him in a few days. I can't say i'll even pretend to like him, or i'll even talk to him (because I do not want to hear about his sex life, as far as I am concerned, I would like to believe he doesn't have one), but I don't think i'll be so pissy about the whole thing, and I don't think i'll still feel like writing him an angry note. Even if I did do it, my handwriting is so bad he probably wouldn't be able to read most of it anyway.

Grif, this is gonna sound weird, but I really believe you are mad at the wrong people.  Yeah gramps is tacky, ill mannered, a liar and a braggart.  At some point or another, you are gonna have to deal with someone just like him for the rest of your life.  I am really glad that it sounds like you aren't gonna send that letter to him.  Don't try to punish or set him straight.  Cool as you are, you won't be the same person in even ten years.  Time is gonna change your perspective.  If you went to your grave today regretting not telling him off, that's okay compared to regretting lashing out at your grandpa.  It's hard for me to articulate this, so I hope it gets to you the way I intend it.  (Having been in a similar situation).  The best to you my dear     Jules

Grif before I forget, please get a hold of a copy of the book called
"The five people you meet in heaven".   It's short but powerful read, and No it's not a religious book...Jules

OK, here's the old broad perspective.
 
Grandpa is an old man who won't be on this earth long.  Has it ever occurred to you that LOOSING grandma was the single worst event of his life and MAYBE he's stuck still in the anger stage?  Thinking, hmmmph...that old girl promised this that and the other thing, well SCREW her....she died and left me alone so screw her promises.  And so WHAT if he has a sex life?  GOOD for him.
 
If you feel the need to vent your feelings, write the letter and then burn it.  THEN reach out to Grandpa and try to have a relationship with him while you still can.....not based on money, but based on the fact that you are BLOOD.  And ya know what?  I'd THANK him for not paying for your college because by not doing that, he made you a BETTER person who is able to stand up and take care of yourself.  That's a POWERFUL gift he gave you.....the ability to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
 
My Dad did that for me.  When I bought my first car, and it had to be a new one cuz he wouldn't let me "buy someone elses problems", I got to drive it for an hour and then go home for a tire changing lesson.  He taught me to change the oil and do a tune up as well.  I was the youngest and 6 years behind my closest sister.  By the time I reached that age, well, they could afford much more than they could with FOUR daughters.  But, they treated me the same way they treated the other girls and I learned to work for what I wanted, I learned to take care of myself and NOT depend on anyone else for anything.  After my first marriage ended, and it was dreadful at the end, I didn't want another relationship EVER.  But I met a man who is wonderful and because of the gifts my Father gave to me, I could open myself up to this wonderful man and let him into my life, not because I NEEDED him, but because I wanted him in my life.  Because of the gifts my Father gave me, I KNEW I could raise my sons on my own, give them what they needed AND a good life.  Dad gave me the freedom to make choices based on what I really wanted and not what I needed.  What a wonderful gift.  I suspect that Grandpa has done the same for you by not handing you STUFF on a silver platter.
 
Just my two cents....and definately from an old fart perspective!  Just maybe, with age comes wisdom.....

I agree with the others. Don't be mean or spiteful to him. Both of my grandfather's are dead. One, died when I was 2, and I really wish I had time to get to know him because he seemed like a great man. My other grandfather died a few years ago. I am not going to share the intricasies about him on a public forum, but he was not a good person and he probably hurt a lot of people. The fact that he spent money on a woman and her children while giving me and my brother hand-me-down junk is irrelevant. The fact he knowingly gave my toys(I accidently left them in his truck) to these people is really irrelevant. I don't hate him, but I certainly don't miss him; not because of money, but because he was truely a rotten egg.
 
I don't come from a wealthy family. There's not much to inherit... heck, my parents logged when I was younger and we were on food stamps. But, I am a better person for it. I learned to do without money, like you have done. I've learned that money isn't everything; far from it. Some people are rough around the edges, but your grandmother obviously saw something good in him... he can't be all bad. I'd bet, deep down, he's a good person... and maybe, just maybe, he's hurt that all people want from him is money and he's trying his best not to show it (by acting self-centered). I know I would be hurt... and if I had to go on a cruise to forget about that hurt for a week, then so be it.
 
Write a letter about all of his misgivings and burn it. Then, if you wish, maybe try to actually have a relationship with him. Even if it's just accepting his cards and sending some back to him. If he didn't care about you and didn't think about you, he wouldn't send you a thing, but he does. Maybe, someday, you'd like to go out and have a coffee with him and talk about something that matters to you, like your dogs or how you're doing in school. If he saw that you loved him, he might help you out financially.
 
In closing, there's a song out on the radio that has the lyrics "always love, hate will get you every time" and it's true. There's a reason hate drains us and feels so rotten... because it's not good for us.
 
Anyway, sorry if I rambled (and, by the way, I'm only a year younger than you... if it at all helps if it comes from someone your age).
 
Becky

I  probably shouldn't, but let me just say that he was not a nice person when she was alive either. The most vivid memories I have of times with him are not of things I would like to remember. I remember things like him flipping out and throwing a chair at a Wendy's because they slightly screwed up the order. I remember him making fun of people who were overweight. I remember him criticizing people, making fun of me, things like that. I remember that when my sister and I went to stay with our grandparents, the best days of our times there were the days when he would go out golfing with his friend, and we wouldn't have to see him most of the day. I remember that everytime before we went to stay with them, we would cry and plead to our parents not to send us. I'm trying to come up with something positive, but I really, truly can't think of a thing. 

You know, my late grandmother was well off financially.  Not wealthy, exactly, but she never worked for the last 40 years of her life, and she lived well.  She died at 85.
 
Grandma was always a bit tight with her money, but in her later years, she was absolutely frugal.  She was so tight, you could shove a lump of coal up her butt and in two weeks you would have a diamond.  []  I asked her about that once.  She and I always had a great relationship (I was her favorite grandchild).  You know what she said?  "You never know what it is going to cost you to die."
 
So maybe your grandfather isn't perfect.  Believe it or not, no one is.  Maybe you are disappointed that he didn't help you out more financially.  Get over it.  I guarantee you, this won't be the last disappointment you will face in life.  Maybe he is mean spirited and hateful, but it sounds to me like that quality runs in the family.
 
Maybe he has a sex life, or maybe he just wants people to think he does.  Personally, I hope he is porking some 25 year old who makes him so happy he leaves every dime of his money to her. 

I would not send him a letter. It's much better to just write it and throw the letter away.
I had a bad relationship with my parents when growing up and I wanted to get away as soon and as far as I could and I done exactly that. It changed everything in my life. I saw a lot of things I had not seen before as far as for their reasonings for things etc. I love my parents dearly. My mom was my best friend until she died. Her father, my grandfather was never a grandfather to us kids but I never hated him for it and I cried when he died. I was just thankful that at least after an illness he changed and at least my mother had five years of a good relationship with her dad. I was not around but it meant the world to me that she had at least the five years. People can change. I changed in the past 20 years. I have never owned a new car or new furniture etc. Whatever we have we had to work for. Nothing has ever been given to us. Everyone in my family has money, but even in the most stressful times we did not get any help from them. I did not expect, ask for it.. we just went through our "valley-experience" and things picked up again eventually. It's life. It comes with up's and down's and it makes you who you are.
If everything would have been given to me I would be a very different person today. Money is good to have but it's not everything. I would give a lot just to have family. That is my biggest thing. Since I made the decision to move overseas I don't have any close family around and my in-laws died even before I met my husband.( But I made my bed and I have to live with it. I am content and we are happy).
I understand you are disappointed but people make promises and not keep them. It happens all the time and people will disappoint you. I wonder if your grandfather is the way he is because he knows he is only "liked" for his money. That would be really sad not to have anyone is his life that loves him for just being him.
I feel like: it's his money he can do with it or not do with it as he prefers.
 

The only thing I can add is this....I have an uncle who soiidly and for years swore he'd buy me a pony. I still tease him about it to this day []
 
It is the responsibility of your PARENT(s) or legal guardians to pay for your education, (and failing that YOU, via work or scholarships)IMO...irrespective of promises or things said by other family members...fact is...if he raised his children along with his wife, provided them a means to tell right from wrong, gave them some sort of education and made sure they had skills enough to make a living and have a family of their own...he's DONE his part in things. The loss of a spouse can be truly devastating...and I can't tell from your post but he may be really acting out because of that issue...facing your oown mortality isn't easy...and he may also be running from that and trying to take it all with him because he's seen how nasty things can get upon the death of a well off relative (you mention he's inherited)...
 
Just another perspective...

Your last post about how he was describes my father to a tee when I was young.  He and I had a hate hate relationship for years.  He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive (and still is), threw tantrums or did humiliating things in public places, tried to correct our actions with harsh criticism and many things that pretty much tore me down.  His way of being funny was by picking on you and it wasn't at all funny to me.  People always thought it was strange b/c I never ever called him dad.  I called him by his nickname that everyone did.  I remember I used to be the one who was confrontational with him b/c I could fight back with him and take all of his abuse and it never even phased me emotionally and I was protecting my mother and brother.  I used to ask my mom, "when is dad leaving town, I need a break from that man?" 
 
I can say that he still behaves in the same way that he did when i was young.  I always hated him and he knew it.  Well, when I met my DH he had some of the same qualities of my father, but I adored them in him.  My DH pointed out to me that my father may not have been nice to me, but he armed me with the things I needed to be the person I am today.  Then one day, I decided to be passive with my father instead of aggressive.  He noticed and mentioned it to my mother immedietly.  This man who I thought was so hateful and uncarring really did care.  My father and I are the best of friends now.  By me backing off a little and him taking notice, we were able to bond.  It was very slow at first, and he still acts those ways, but I have learned to accept it, and instead of being confrontational about it, I leave when it gets out of hand and he gets the point REALLY fast.  He and I both now CHERISH the relationship that we have with each other.  I have learned so many things from him that I never knew he had to offer.  I find him hilarious now when he is being somewhat behaved about it.  I call him Daddy now and old family friends have taken notice.   
 
Now, your grandpa is older and may not be as nice when you are around him, but you really have no idea what he might have to offer you.  He probably is hurt by the way people have made him feel.  I know that was the case with my father.  I couldn't agree more that he wouldn't even bother to send a card if he didn't care.  I mean the simple fact that he remembers your B-Day and reaches out is way more than a lot of people get even from someone close to them.  You may actually be a lot more like your granfather than you think.  Just something to think about. 
 
And the fact that he has sex...heck, we all deserve a little pleasure in life don't we?  My grandmother who had had a number of strokes and lost her memory and was put into a retirement place, would be found every day with a new man in her bed, with one of her pink dainty bedcoats on, and bright pink lipstick marks all over their cheeks!  I thought it was great that she was having a good time.  She didn't have much else to look forward to!