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Someone please tell me why I shouldn't do this, or give me more reasons to do it

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:15:27 PM

A year or two ago, I excommunicated myself from my grandfather but I feel like I should write to him. Not because I want to start speaking to him again, I don't even think he knows i'm not talking to him (I just don't open cards from him, cash the checks he sends me for my birthday or holidays, send him thanks for his gifts or answer the phone when he calls, i've never outright told him that I don't want to speak to him), but what I want to do I think would really let him know I want nothing to do with him ever again.
For most of mine and my older sister's lives, he and my grandmother promised to pay for our education, and to buy us cars at 16 (and told our parents this, along with my uncle in regards to my cousins). My grandmother died before that time came, and when it did, he 'forgot' having ever made such promises. If my grandmother were still alive, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that she would have held him to his promises, but that's not how it happened. My grandfather has a lot of money now, most of which he inherited from other people, and those from which he inherited had wanted for the money to be used for the grandchildren. Instead he uses to go on expensive cruises, dance lessons, etc. So, for what I think are obvious reasons, I do not wish to have any relationship with him, and the same is true of other members of the family as well (mainly my great aunt).
My grandfather was just at my uncle's for my cousin's highschool graduation, and while he was there, my uncle basically told him off for not paying for our college. My uncle has the money to pay for his kids' education, although they won't go far anyway (they are not the brightest bulbs so to speak), so he signed them up in the Florida tuition plan, although if they could, he could afford to send them just about anywhere. My parents couldn't afford to send us anywhere, but we are lucky in that they could afford to send my sister and I to the community college, and then afford for me to transfer to Temple University. I was also lucky that through transferring from the community college with good grades, I get a partial scholarship. My younger sister will get most of her education at the community college paid for by her highschool, and then my parents will pay for the rest, and if she transfers after that. So, we are all very lucky that our parents managed to afford this for us, and we have no debt. I appreciate every last bit of that.
But, back to my uncle telling my grandfather off. You can basically tell my grandfather off all you want, he doesn't care one bit. I think a person could walk right up to him and say they hated him, he wouldn't really understand. But, my dad told me my uncle told him off, and it just made me think, I am actually lucky he didn't give me anything. First, he is not a nice person. Even if he did pay for everything, I still would not want to have a relationship with him. Now because I am not taking anything from him, I really feel no moral obligation to maintain a relationship with him, which was basically what I did in the past, speak to him because I expected something. It is why anyone in the family speaks to him, he gives them money, or promises it to them. I know it isn't coming, so i've stopped kissing up. Second, I am lucky because I would have never chosen to do what I did had he actually been willing to pay for everything. I woudln't have really needed a job, because he would have bought me a nice car at 16, instead of me paying for a crappy one at 16, then my dad gave me his old car, which is a better car, but still one I consider a piece of crap a year or two ago. I hate it, it has horrible safety ratings, and I can't wait to get rid of it. I wouldn't have worked in the daycare where I met one child who really had a huge influence on what I chose to do. I wouldn't have gone to the community college, and I wouldn't have taken the one class that has also had a major influence on my decisions regarding my future. Because of that one kid, and that one class, I have a job I love right now. I also make significantly more money than most people my age that I know. I also have job experiences that I believe will be a huge benefit to me when I graduate.
Had it not been for my grandfather lying to me my whole life, I would have never made the choices I did. I can't say what I would have chosen instead, but I do think I can say I would not have been as happy with those decisions as I am with what I really did choose. So, in theory, although he didn't mean to, he truly did me a great favor, and I want to write to him to thank him for it. I also think in doing so, it will effectively let him know that I wish to have no communication with him, if he takes it the right way, but with him there are no guarantees. Knowing him, he could really think I mean to thank him with it, and feel very proud of himself, but at least I will know the truth.
So, should I write it, or shouldn't I? And, if I should do it, any advice on what exactly to say?

tashakota

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:19:13 PM

I say write it out on nice paper, with a nice pen, then take it out back and burn it.

It's amazing the therapeutic effects of that.

Based on what you've said, I would imagine that he would be proud that he *helped* you out.

marlania

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:25:28 PM

ORIGINAL: tashakota
I say write it out on nice paper, with a nice pen, then take it out back and burn it. It's amazing the therapeutic effects of that.

Agreed. You know how you feel, and that's really the important part.

Julie Byers

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:30:20 PM

I was going to say the samething, just write a letter then burn it. Do not blast grandpa for how he chooses to spend his money or not spend his money. If he is a bad man, then why are you upset he isn't spending money on you? I haven't had a grandpa since I was a little girl, the ones I had drank a lot and died from it so I wouldn't mind trading you gramps. Just keep in mind he doesn't keep his word so take everything he says with a grain of salt and build your life based on your own decisions not based on what wasn't spent on you. He is an old man. That's all. Just keep your distance, be polite and civil (even if it kills you) and do your thing. [

] Jules

sharismom

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:33:27 PM

The advice given is solid - I'd go with that plan.

If it already doesn't make a hoot of difference to your grandfather, he may not notice.

You are a better person because of what you weren't given. That's my motherly advice for the day. [

]

jeano

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:41:03 PM

How old are you?

I ask for a reason. After trying for all of my life to have a relationship with my mother, who abused me severely and tried to kill me numerous times, I gave up when I was 23. I have a very good reason for not wanting contact with her. She's not a safe person to be around, she's mentally ill, won't get help and won't get better. She's very toxic. I've found I am far happier without her in my life. This was a positive thing in my life.

In your case I think two things. As others have said, it's very important for you to know how you feel about this. Whether you like it or not, you do have a relationship with your grandfather, it's just not a good one right now.

No matter what your great aunt says, or your parents, cousins, etc., you need to figure out if you really think he's committed an unforgivable thing.

From my standpoint it looks like everyone is overreacting.

Is disappointment grounds for not ever seeing him again? Seems harsh to me. And you have already discovered that you have learned a lot and grown a lot for NOT having his money. That's not just sour grapes, is it?

Sometime down the line you may think, "Gee, that was kind of petty, now he's gone and I don't know any of the family history that he knew, darn it! And I don't really know who he was, either."

Time has a way of evening out things. You can cut him off now, but keep the door open. People do change, people do make mistakes.

On the other hand, you say he's "not a nice person." How? Everyone seems to think he's selfish, but is there something else?

Be sure you are doing what YOU want to do, not just what is acceptable and pleasing to the rest of the family.

huskymom

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:42:22 PM

My grandmother favoured me above my sister from the time I was born. Stupid silly things but my sister ended up hating me. I wish I could let you know what kind of an effect this really had on me and my sis who is 10 years older than me. It wasn't sibling rivalry. Tracey really hated me until I was about 15 and old enough to realize what was happening. Then I started to rebuff my grandmothers overtures. Her memory started to go, she got alzeimers and became kind of mean spirited. Please note that she was never a nice person to begin with. I stopped having anything to do with her. I let her faults get to me in a way that made me hate her more and more. She was horrible to my dad. But she was still his mother. When she passed, everyone went to the funeral, but Kale was still a tiny baby so I stayed home with him. I went to the wake but kind of just stood there. I never forgave her but lately I have been wishing that I had. She was after all my Nanny. Everyone else seems to have let it go, even my sister. But I haven't. It is just now starting to hurt. And there is nothing I can do to change anything.

So my advice to you would be to let it go. Your grandfather got stingy in his older age. Lots of them do. But holding a lifelong hatred of anyone won't do you any good. Especially if it does not effect him. It will only hurt you in the long run.

Debbi

Posted : 5/26/2006 2:47:36 PM

This is just my opinion: your grandfather doesnt have any obligation to you or your sister to pay for your college or get you cars. I agree he should never have said they would in the first place as that really let you down. But how he spends his money is up to him.
Writing to him and telling him what is up would be the best if you think you and he cannot talk about it.
Again, just my opinion. Good luck to you!

boneyjean

Posted : 5/26/2006 3:45:33 PM

I agree with the things other people have said as well. I think if you need to get it out then write the letter and then burn it...or even tuck it away somewhere. I don't think you will actually accomplish anything with him by sending it to him but it will probably be more therapuetic (s/p?) to you to get it off of your chest. Even though you say now you won't, you may some day regret sending that letter to him.

If you want nothing to do with him and have not had anything to do with him for all this time, then I would keep on doing as you do. It sounds like it would make no difference to him either way.
But as Jeano said, at least you are leaving the door open for yourself b/c you may find someday that you really do want to learn something else from this man. Everything happens for a reason and you really have no idea what kind of curve balls the future may hold.

griffinej5

Posted : 5/26/2006 3:45:50 PM

Oh, I have other reasons for not liking him other than that. As far as I can tell, and it was not just me who came up with this, he probably has narcisscistic personality disorder. He's pretty verbally abusive. He was always stingy, and he has always tried to use money to control people. He's just basically not a nice person, and the only reason anyone puts up with him is because they hope to get his money. He could probably be considered verbally abusive. I put up with him when I was younger because my parents made me, because I guess they truly believed I would be rewarded, but it never will happen.
I don't think he can really have a relationship with anyone. When he talks to people, he pretty much brags about what trip he's going on next, or very disgustingly, he talks about his sex life. That's not really someone I want to talk to. And, although I currently don't have any plans of having kids, I realize that I am young (i'm 20) and that could change. Should it change, and should he still be alive then (nobody knows why he is still around, but he still is, so maybe he will be around forever) I do not want any child or children I have to have any relationship with him, because I feel there is no benefit at all to it. I wouldn't even mind he never knew of their existence.
I'm not so sure that I really think that he has done something unforgivable, because honestly it's probably had more benefit to me in the long run, I think it's more that I see no compelling reason to have any relationship with him. And no, he does not have any legal obligation to give anyone anything (I think the agreements that were made were only verbal, and there was nothing ever written that he had to use the money he inherited for anyone but himself. I guess everyone expected my grandmother to be alive when the time came, and everyone expected her to hold him to what was said). I also sort of feel like letting him know how I really feel might make me feel better, like maybe it'll help me move on.
What little family history he knows, I have already heard from him (and suprisingly, the little bit he knows is completely about himself, and is pretty irrelevant). I would really like to know more, but sadly I don't think I really ever will.

magilacudy

Posted : 5/26/2006 4:07:21 PM

I can't imagine being nice to someone in hopes of getting their money. I only have one grandmother and one grandfather. The rest all died.

My mother promised to take my brother and I to Disney World and even took pictures of my brother and I holding all the cash in our hands. She had us pack our bags and we would leave the following morning. Well we didn't go, she spent all the money on drugs. I still talk to her. (though she is not on drugs anymore and cleaned up before I was 13)

I think it unfair for all these people to hate this man for not coming through on his promise. And who knows what Grandma would have done.

My Half sisters Grandparents promised to pay for her education as well. They said they had a trust set up. Well this year she would ahve started school. They told her they spent the money on vaccations. Of course she was upset, but her grandfather is on his death bed and she loves them.

Even though your Gradfather may not be a nice man, I don't think it right that you hold it against him for not buying you a car or paying for your education. Get a journal and write how you feel in there. I don't think it would be worth it to tell the Grandfather off, or how you feel.

probe1957

Posted : 5/26/2006 4:13:18 PM

Let me say, I think I am clearly missing something here.

Your grandfather wouldn't buy you a car or pay for your college education so, to punish him, you don't intend to ever speak to him again?

He acknowledges your birthday, Christmas, etc with a card or gift yet you never thank him?

The only reason you ever did have anything to do with him is because you thought, at some point, he might give you money?

Am I missing something here???

denise_m

Posted : 5/26/2006 5:20:33 PM

So maybe Grampa never came through with the $$$$ because he realized the family was just being nice in order to cash in and once everyone got their $$ he would have no family left. That must be a very sad life for him, indeed.

I have seen more rifts in families when it comes to inheritance then I can care to remember. I have told my children staight up that I have made NO plans to leave them any money when I die. If there is anything left over they are welcome to it, but not to get there hopes up. My husband and I gave the boys a very comfortable standard of living. We denied them very little. We payed for their education. We supported them financially and emotionally through out their childhood. We gave them all the opportunities and tools to make their own lives - and that is what we expect.

Maybe you and your family would have had a much healthier and rewarding relationship with your grandfather if you didn't tie the relationship to $$. There is always the possibility you could try to connect on a purely grandfather/grandaughter level. If you make the effort you may find he his not as mean spiritied as he is old, lonely and sad. JMHO

cakana

Posted : 5/26/2006 5:32:33 PM

I'm not sure my dad ever actually told anyone, other than my brother and I, what he'd put in his trust. However, he originally left money to my brother's 2 kids and my sister's 2 kids. They're all in their 20s now and when my dad passed away in January of this year, I know that my sister's kids were probably pretty surprised to see that he'd written them out of the trust. My brother's kids each will recieve $100,000. His kids stayed close to him, especially in the last few years when he was sick. My sister's kids hadn't been to visit, called or written in the last several years. When my dad was sick, they said they'd come see him, but never showed up. It broke his heart. When he died and I called my neice, she said she was sad but wouldn't be able to get off work to come to the funeral. I was hurt and angry, but I was sure glad he'd made the change to his trust.

t__m

Posted : 5/26/2006 5:47:45 PM

I don't get it either...
You say the only reason you spoke to your grandfather was because you hoped you would get money, car, education...
You say the only reason family talks to him is in hope of being part of the inheritance...maybe because of the way your family treats him, that's why he is the way he is....
I never had the privelage of meeting my grandfather: he died in the war, my other grandfather died when I was 2 and I don't remember him....my fathers mom died when he was 8, so I never met her, my other grandma I treasured even though she was usually grumpy....

I'm glad you learned the value of doing things for yourself...
My parents also wanted to pay for my education, and my car (I got my first one when I was 19 & my second when I was 20), but I wouldn't let them...my favorite lesson in life is to take care of yourself first by yourself....

My advice to you is simple....treat others as you want to be treated...you have to look at what you want out of the relationship with your grandfather...if it's just money, than I suggest you just leave him alone, and find your money elsewhere....again, that's just my [sm=2cents.gif].