I always get my hair cut at Walmart. Just a habit, I guess. No real reason. Well, they are cheap. Besides, I like low maintenance haircuts. I just have them put a number 2 guard on the clippers and give me a buzz. My 3 year old grand daughter could cut my hair and it would look just fine, to me. When you're as ugly as I am, there is little reason to be terribly concerned about how your hair looks. And another thing. If you do get a haircut at Walmart that you don't like, you can bet your butt that when you go there for your next haircut, the girl who gave you the bad haircut won't be there anymore. They seem to have a bit of a turnover problem.
Last night, I decided I was getting kind of shaggy. My hair was starting to get long enough that I was going to have to consider actually combing it. So, after work, I headed down to Wally World. Fortunately, they weren't busy at all and were able to get me right in.
So there I was, sitting in the chair. The girl was about half done shearing me when I was overcome by a POWERFUL urge. POWERFUL, I am telling you. Overwhelmingly POWERFUL. Yes, I had to toot.
Now I come from a long line of tooters. Mother, in her day, was one of the top tooters in the state of Indiana. My grandmother (mom's mom) and I used to have tooting contests. Points were awarded based on the duration of the toot, the decible level and, of course, the smell. Grandma usually won these contests. Looking back on it now, I realize that she was trying to develop in me an important skill, that I would use for the rest of my life. Ultimately, I am sure she realized that the only thing I could ever hope to be really good at was tooting. God bless you, Granny Doxie. I am truly grateful. On a personal level, I have a long list of people who can attest to my legendary ability as a tooter. Life has been good to me.
It is a scientifically proven fact, endorsed by the AMA, that not supressing toots prevents cataracts, later in life. I have always tried to follow this advice, and today, my vision is perfect. I truly believe that just letting a toot rip is good for one's health, even if not one's underwear. You can always buy underwear. You only get one pair of eyes. Take care of them.
There is developing medical evidence that indicates, at an admittedly early stage of study, that following a good tooting regimen improves circulation to the brain and helps to minimize bitchiness, in elderly women. The studies suggest that the best protocol to follow involves pinching off a toot, building up as much pressure as possible, then letting it violently rip. If you are going to follow this advice, I suggest you do what I do, and never leave home without a couple of pairs of clean Fruit of the Looms.
Which brings me back to my quandry at Walmart. You see, it was just me and the hair cutting gal in the immediate vicinity. While I have developed the skill to control the noise of a toot, I just can't quite control the smell. Unfortunately, I hadn't brought Odie with me. A horrible and regretful oversight, to be sure. If there had been other people around, maybe it would work but, if this one stunk, there was no way this girl would think the smell had come from anyone but me. If she had been G's age, and it stunk to high heaven, perhaps she would have excused herself to check things out, then been thankful that it had only been air. But no, I couldn't get that lucky. This girl was early 30's, at best.
So what should I do? Risk my health or embarrassment? Maybe life isn't so good after all.