PEOPLE-we *totally* need a Joke Thread

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk.  I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said.  "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

ORIGINAL: janobonano

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or
a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[sm=rotfl.gif][sm=rotfl.gif][sm=rotfl.gif]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Ho w about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

[size="4"]Why are married women heavier than single women?




Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge[/size]

Humourous lines from office employee evaluations.... got it in my inbox this afternoon []
 
1. I would not allow this employee to breed

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. This youg lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. He set low personal astandards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

7. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

8. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

9. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

10. Got a full 6 pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

11. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

12. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

13. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

14. If you stand close enought to him, you can hear the ocean.

15. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
When the baby looks like the father, its Biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology!

A minister dies and his congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex." They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night." Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
 
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets
a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family!"

Q:  Ever wander why Santa is so jolly?
 
A:  He knows where all the girls live, NAUGHTY and nice!

Q: How did the elephant cross the freeway?
 
I'll give you a hint.  Take the R out of FREE and the F out of WAY.
 
A:  There's no F in Way. (Read it out loud and see if you can get someone to take the bait!)