PEOPLE-we *totally* need a Joke Thread

An old married couple sits down for breakfast in their kitchen nook. The wife says, "You know, honey, we've been married 50 years, today."
 
He reflects for a moment and says, "You're right, dear."
 
She says, "I bet, 50 years ago, we were at this same table but we were bare naked."
 
He says, "You're probably right."
 
They look at each other. Kids are grown and gone. No one is expected to come over and visit. So, they stand up, disrobe, and then sit back down.
 
The wife says, "You know, honey, my bosom burns as hot for you today as it did 50 years ago."
 
He says, "Dear, your right breast is in the coffee and your left one is in the oatmeal."
 

You know when you're getting old when, if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't work anymore.
 

Three guys arrive at Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says to the first, "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a doctor".  St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, you must have helped a lot of people."
Second guy at the gate.  St. Peter says, "What did you do on Earth?"  Guy says, "I was a lawyer."  "Welllllllllll, says St. Peter - I guess you can come in.  You must have helped some people. 
Third guy gets there, and St. Peter says, "What did you do on Earth?"  Guy says, "I worked for an HMO".  "Hmmm, says St. Peter.  OK, come on in - BUT ONLY FOR THREE DAYS".

I love a classic dog joke:

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.  The bartender immediately puts up his hands and says "Sorry buddy we don't allow dogs in the bar."  The guy says, "this is no ordinary dog, this dog can talk; I'll show you.  Hey Sparky, what's on top of the building?"  Sparky says "Roof! Roof!"  The bartender isn't amused.  "I'm not falling for that scam," he says.  The guy says, "wait let me prove it again, hey Sparky, how does sandpaper feel?"  Sparky says, "Ruff! Ruff!."  The bartender is getting angry now.  "Take your dog and get out of my bar!"  The guy says, "wait, give us one more chance, hey Sparky, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"  Sparky says "Ruth! Ruth!"  Furious, the bartender throws them out into the street.  As they're walking home, dejected, Sparky says "I guess I should have said Dimaggio." 

Three nuns die and wind up at the Pearly Gates at the same time.  St. Peter asks the first num "Who would you like to come back as in your next life?"  The nun says "Mother Theresa" and St. Peter says "Fine.  You will come back as Mother Theresa."  Then he turns to the second nun and asks the same question.  The nun answers "St. Joan of Arc."  "Fine" says St. Peter.  "You will come back as St. Joan of Arc."  He turns to the last nun and asks the same question again.  The nun thinks for a minute and then says "I want to come back as Sarah Pippalini."  "Who?" asks St. Peter.  "Sarah Pippilini" answers the nun.  "Hmm" says St. Peter. "I don't think I know who Sarah Pippilini is.  Can you tell me a little about her?" The nun hands St. Peter a newspaper and says "Here.  Read about her."  St. Peter opens the newspaper to the headline "Sahara Pipeline laid by 1,200 men."
 
Joyce

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding, going way past 75," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't" the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

New Work Rules:
 
Dress Code

      You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

       If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will

      assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a

      raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your

      money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do

      not need a raise.  If you dress just right, you are right where you

      need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



     Sick Days

      We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

      If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



      Personal Days

      Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are

      called Saturdays and Sundays.



      Bereavement Leave

     This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do

     for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made
     to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements.  In rare

     cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should

     be scheduled in the later afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to

     work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour

     early.



      Bathroom Breaks

      Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.  There is now

      a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three

      minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,

      the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.  After your

      second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board

      under the "Chronic Offenders" category.  Anyone caught smiling in

      the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health

      policy.



     Lunch Break

     Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,

     so that they can look healthy.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for

     lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

     Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time

     needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



      Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide

      a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions,

      comments, concerns, compliments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

      insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,

      consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

Andy Rooney on Women over 40!
 
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 40 will not lie next to you in bed and ask, What are you thinking?
She doesn't care what you think.
 
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
 
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, and what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
 
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
 
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
 You don't ever have to worry where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
 
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
 
 

"New Madam":
 
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

How do you make a hormone???
 
Don't pay her!!! (whore moan, get it)

This one used to be about political candidates. Instead, I'll make it about colleges.
 
A Longhorn (UT grad) and an Aggie (Texas A & M grad) are both getting a haircut and a shave at the same time. The Aggie gets finished first and the barber offers to splash on some fancy new aftershave. The Aggie says, "No thanks, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse."
 
The Longhorn says, "Go ahead and give me some of that stuff. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."
 
Thankyouverymuch....
 

A man and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve their kind in here."
 
The dog says, "I know, but I have him a treat and he's followed me ever since."

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or
a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

It's rare to find a clean shepherding joke. [8|] Here's my all-time fav.

************

A shepherd was herding his flock on a remote hill when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in fancy clothes and Gucci shoes, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man expressionlessly, then looked back at his peacefully grazing flock. After a moment he answered, "Aye."

The townie parked his car, whipped out his Blackberry and called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a relational database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email and, after bit, received a response.

Finally, he printed out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer. After examining it, he turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct, yoong mon; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watched the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, "If I can tell ye exactly what tha business is, will ye give me back mah animal?"

"OK, why not?" answered the young man.

"Clearly, y' are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct." said the townie, with amazement, "but how did you guess that?"

"Na need tae guess." answered the shepherd. "Y' turned up here though no one called ye. Y' want t' get paid for an answer I already knew, tae a question I never asked, and y' don't know jack about mah business. Now give me back mah dog."

***********

My husband is a consultant, by the way. []

The Eye Doctor, the best in his field, walked into the exam room.  Sitting in the exam chair was a distraught woman "Doc., what is wrong with my eyes?"  The doctor examined her eyes carefully and throughly finding nothing had changed from her last visit of just 3 months prior.  "Ms. X I find nothing has changed.  Please tell what symptoms you have had."  She tells him about the picture she can not see.  All her friends can see it, but she can not.  The doctor ask her more about the picture.  "Oh, you know the type.  You stare at it long enough and you see the other picture behind the 1st."  The doc tells her "Not everyone can see theseso called 2nd pictures, and even if you can see some you may not be able to all.  What is the picture?"  She points to a picture she had leaned against the wall, "I brought it with me."  He picks it up and stares for a few minutes.  Turning to the lady, "I do not see any either.  What is the picture of/"  She tells him the 2nd picture is Jesus, Christ.  The doc, laughing uncontrolablly, "No wonder I can not see it. I am Jewish!:
 
used with permission from the doctor in this joke