Need a push.

It just wasn't meant to be better to find out sooner then later.  YOu have yourself and your son to take care of so focus on the good that you have.

I agree with everyone.  At least you didnt spend another moment devoting yourself to the kind of person who could so selfishly disregard all of your feelings and walk out.  I would expect a talk about what was wrong and the two of us to take the time to try and work through watever it was.  Anyone who is not willing to do that is not worth your time anyway.  And the "im not ready" thing, IMO, is an easy way out, without having to explain oneself further.  lad to hear your doing other things.  Try to keep your mind off of the memories until later, because now all you need to think about is that you deserve better, and you will find better, and you will learn and grow and come out better for it all, and most likely in a better situation.  Take comfort in your dogs!  They love you and would never do that! 

 I agree.  Hugs and happy thoughts coming from this neck of the woods.

Yeppers, B/T/D/T here too.  Hang tough, shug, it won't always be this way.  xoxo [sm=wink2.gif]  Jules

Candace, I got here too late to offer my "sage" advice for break-ups....it consists of a nice bottle of my favorite merlot (or whatever your "poison" is), a chick-flick (Ever After or Under the Tuscan Sun are 2 of my favs) that reminds me that there really are some good guys out there (even if the guy that just left isn't one of them), some french bread and cheese.  Then take the whole evening and just enjoy them by yourself!!!!!  Then the next day I am ready to conquor anything and everything!!!  []
 
I'm sorry that this happened to you, I know it sucks for now, but there has to be a reason for it....(that always drove me crazy when people told me that, but one day it turned out to be true and after that, I truly trusted it).  You sound like such a strong person that you are going to be just fine, take it one day at a time and enjoy your son, your dogs and now your time with you!  There is nothing more beautiful in the world than a woman who knows who she is and is confident in that knowledge!
 
Take care of you and yours for now and it will all work out!

Thank you everyone.  Terri that was beautiful.  But I think a whole bottle of anything would kill me the next day and I doubt I would conquer anything.  Maybe all the hotchocolate I could drink? 

Last night I talked to him.  I still do really love him but I am not going to allow him to come back unless he gets his head on straight.  I must clarify that when I said he walked out saying he didnt want to be responsible anymore, he looked like sh**.  So when we spoke last night I asked what he planned on doing to help himself.  He has made an appointment with his doctor to talk about things.  After all the talk about antidepressants on here I hope that there is something that can regulate his ups and downs.  This is the lowest he has been.  I hate what he did to me.  But I can't turn my back on him if he really does need me.  Thats part of who I am too, just as the person that I found to be hiding inside of me this weekend is.  In a way I'm glad I had this weekend, or week or month whatever it turns out to be.  But he really is a great person.  He is a much better dad than Kale's biodad has ever been.  And to just give that up without at least trying would just be stupid on my part.  Especially if this can be fixed by antidepressants.  Now I don't have a clue how these work or how long it takes to take effect.  I think the knowledge that he is helping himself should lift him up a bit. I know that when he was younger he was on ridilin.  I sure hope he can fix this even if we don't get back together.

Well, only you can make that decision, and believe me I know how hard it is to give up on someone....  But that doesnt always mean that you shouldnt give up on them just because you have sepnt the time and love him, it may still be in your best interest to move on, like in case he does this again.  I hope if you guys get back together that everything is better, just be careful.  IMO, feeling bad or not - its a big deal to walk out on someone like that.  Of course I wouldnt think any less of you for trying to work through this ... thats what we all do, Im just saying be careful and if he repeats history I would have to really think about if it was worth it. I know a lot about giving it one more try then one more try then one more try...   All we can do is the best we can do, and when we love someone we want to fix it.  Nothing is ever going to be perfect - as long as the good outweighs the bad ... just make sure you make YOU happy first! []

Oh trust me I am a huge believer in "If it doesnt work the first time, its not gonna work the second time"  I am still really hesitant to let him come back.  I want evidence first that his depression and stress are a medical condition and can be treated.  Because really he has no more stress than I do.  We have the same responsibilities.  But for some reason I can handle it and he cant.  

Hi Candace,

Is he ADHD? I ask because you mentioned Ritalin. Antidepressants can help a LOT. They can take 3-6 weeks to kick in, though. I raised a severely ADHD kid, he was a total trial (he's 25 now) and I sure know alllll about depression and ADD. If you need coping strategies please PM me, I'd be happy to share my experience.

I would wait until he gets stabilized on meds before I'd consider letting him come back. This is for both your benefit. He needs to refind himself and you don't need to be stressed any further by his ups and downs. The first meds he tries may not work, he may have to try a few. The good thing is there are lots of new meds out there that are very helpful.

He must have somewhere else to stay, right? ADD never goes away, you just learn to cope with it. Depression is a different thing altogether but often comes with ADD.

My aunt takes things for depression... and I have to say she is still so up and down we find it very hard to deal with her at times.  Shes great dont get me wrong, just soo unpredictable, one day she may decide my mom (her sister) is the most horrible person in the world for the stupidest thing,  sometimes nothing at all, and will be really mean and throw a fit and not speak to her for a while... then shell call all happy again like nothing ever happened.  Like she creates drama when there is none, I dont know why (shes bored?)...Not only that but she is very defensive, like dont you dare mention that she has this problem, and like everything is soo hard on her, and shes so stressed, and everyone is mean to her, and why does everyone do this to her, and her her her.... Its extremely hard to talk to someone in a reasonable way who makes themself out to be a victim no matter what... you really cant win, you just have to silently deal with it (in our case at least).  She went to a psychologist who she told all about how everyone did this and that to her and her told her "maybe you need to look at yourself instead, maybe its you too" and she just found another doctor [8|].  I honestly dont think she thinks shes this way... Shes also that person who will interrupt a conversation that does not pertain directly to her with something that has NOTHING to do with what you were talking about.  Like a kid who is annoyed that the attention is not on them.   Or go through a stage where she gets very loud and obnoxious like look at me Im happy!!!  Dont know if any of this sounds farmiliar, but its what I know of my personal experiences with her and the depression thing.

My point is that some people are just unwilling to realize that everyone goes through stuff... its not just them... they need to get over the poor me thing.  Then again some people find a medicine (or other means) that works for them and do very well with it.  So, I agree with Jean that you should wait and see how he progresses.
 
 
 
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Candace,
I am sorry I am on here so late.  I don't know the situation, but I know you have put thought into this and will get through it.  My DH admitted to me, not by choice, just by a chain of events, that he had a drug problem that he had had for a few years not even a week after we got home from our honeymoon.  It devastated me to say the least.  How I hadn't figured it out is a whole nother story but basically I was living in denial.  He went into rehab and they put him on medication that helped with his mood swings and the other problems caused by the drugs.  It hasn't been diagnosed yet, but the doctor has since mentioned bi-polar.  Well, I have recently found out that he has a cousin with the same thing, and she only gets the lowest lows of bi-polar and took drugs to get the highs. 

When he went on anti-depresents it helped tremendously.  It took a few tries to find the right one, but I can tell you that he is a new man now.  We could always see some difference almost immediately even though they said it would take weeks, but it does take time to get yourself regulated with it to see the full effects.  Depression, as well as other problems people have can be so very hard to deal with.  If you are considering giving him another chance, my advice would be to come up with the rules in your head what you hope to have out of this and how long you are willing to wait to see improvement.  You don't even have to tell him that you are thinking these things.  I know that I personally had just made a vow, and decided that he had a year to show me that he had made major improvements before he was off the burner with me.  He did it and far exceeded my expectations w/o even knowing what they were.  I don't know that that is the best advice b/c you can't make people change, but you can make decisions about your own life and what you do and most importantly don't want in it.   

Sometime just feeling better about yourself and gaining some confidence back will make all the difference in them taking some responsibility for their actions.

Of course, I have no idea the details of your situation, but I can totally relate to someone basically walking out b/c they can't be responsible.  It all depends on how you deal with it and if you even want to deal with it.  It took me many months of Al-Anon and therapy to start seeing more clearly.  There are also groups you can go to for depression which might help him deal with it if that is his main issue.

I was also on Ritalin as a child and into adulthood so I can understand some of the problems that ADD and ADHD can present too.

Best of luck to you and just stay strong for you and child and do what you have to for the both of you! 

Amy, alot of what you are saying is totally Tyler.  The only difference is he seems to know its him.  I don't make a secret of it and I refuse to be a scapegoat for his rants.  He knows this and is seeking medical attention.  I really do hope he can get help.  However he has a track record for not following through, like when he hurt his knee, he started physio and was all gung ho about it but quit after a week or so. 

Jean I will PM you. 

Sarah I replied before you post got up there.  BF does have ADD  and ADHD.  I didnt even know there was a difference.  I think what you said about the rules in my head makes sense.  I do need to set some level that he needs to achieve and stay there.  I havent done that but I do notice when he has good days and it feels so good all around.  But the bad days are coming more and more frequent.  Maybe I need to do some research into this so that I can get a better insight into what he is going through.  Are there any tips for dealing with people like this?

The difference in ADD and ADHD is that the H stands for hyperactivity.. it is possible to be ADD without hyperness.
 
To me the best description I have ever heard of what it's like to be ADD or ADHD is like watching TV and someone else has the remote and they keep changing the channel over and over. Just when you get interested in something and start to focus and figure it out, it changes. It is aggravating. Ritalin and Concerta are my friends[]
 
I have bipolar and ADHD and have been on meds for years. Many times they go hand in hand or are misdiagnosed. I went through years of doctors arguing it was bi-polar, not it was ADHD, finally my current doc said it's both... let's treat them! I'm a whole new woman!
 
Medication helps, but it's not the end all be all. You do have to learn to cope as well. Another issue of ADHD is feelings of inadequacy. I sometimes feel like a complete failure if I can't focus on something and finish it. One of the first lessons my therapist taught me was to stop calling myself stupid as it was a daily part of my vocabulary. Self esteem was never one of my strong points in the past.
 
Responsibility was something I avoided like the plague until being correctly diagnosed and treated. At one point I had a huge problem with depression and couldn't really handle life in general. I was on disability and they knew I couldn't handle the responsibility of that and made my mom my payee and I was okay with that. Letting someone else be the responsible one was much easier than trying to keep my head together to remember to pay the bills, etc. and much easier than admitting to someone else I needed help or couldn't do it.. something many people with ADHD I have met do not like to do!
 
Meds do take a while to work, some antidepressants don't start making a difference for up to a month in some cases. Ritalin and Concerta begin to work a little faster though.

Candace, of course not the whole bottle at one time.....glass by glass!!!  []