Dog Community

Confused-very personal-very long

Posted : 1/17/2007 1:36:27 AM

This is extremely hard for me to talk about but I#%92m at a lost of where to go or who to even turn to. I don't think a public forum is the place to talk about it but I have no where else to go. Right now my life is just as confusing as it can get and I almost hate myself for just being alive. So here it goes, I need some help or at the very least someone to listen.

When I was a child I was hurt very seriously by a family member, I didn#%92t know what he was doing to me at the time but he told me not to tell or something bad would happen. When I reached the age to know what it was all about I felt embarrassed and alone. I kept it a secret for all of my childhood and into my teen years. I told myself it was all just a dream, it wasn#%92t real… that is how I was able to deal with it. The pain was real and the secret was hurting me more than anyone could imagine.

At age 20 I met my current boyfriend and told him everything a year later with his help I was brave enough to write a letter to my family and explained what my cousin did to me when I was 7 years old. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life and the second I put the letter in the mail slot at the post office to the second I got the call from them I was so afraid, I thought they would be upset at me for not telling them sooner or they would call it a big lie or many other things that ran threw my mind. When I got the call my mom just said “I am so sorry, your dad and I are on our way to your house” That night was the closest I ever got to my parents.

As time when on I went threw consoling and my family had a hard time taking everything in, there was yelling and finger pointing. I had a hard time just getting things done, I had never failed a class and that semester I failed almost all my classes, next semester I could not even wake up in the morning, I was severely depressed and could not even go to my classes. I gained 50lbs in that year alone because I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I got to a point where I finally just took a whole year off from college because I couldn#%92t do it.

In those few years my cousin admitted to doing what he did, he said everything I said he did was true. He blamed it on his father who also did stuff to him when he was younger. I never hated a person more then him. He was also accused with abusing his son but it could never be proven so nothing was done. Not only did he get away with it, everyone felt sorry for what he did to me. I was not the victim here, he was. I could not go to family gatherings after that because he was always there. When my aunt died I could not go to her funeral because he was there and refused to leave. I sat in the van outside the church crying that day because the sight of him would make me more upset. My Mom had asked him to leave so I could at the very least see my aunts body, he said he had every right to be there and would not go. After that my Dad#%92s family can not stand my mom and wants nothing to do with her because of that. My mom has been there with me threw everything I#%92ve had to deal with and now she is an outcast as well.

Now it#%92s getting harder, my grandma has been trying to play tricks to get me to talk to him so I can “forgive” him and move on. Last thing she did on Thursday was plan a party for my Grandpa#%92s b-day and invited me knowing I refuse to see him. She set it up so that he would be there, when I got there I saw his truck and so I left. She wants things to be they way they where before I let my secret out. I know it never will and I tell her that but she doesn#%92t understand. I never want to see him ever again. If things whent my way he would be in jail but everything I#%92ve tired to do has fallen apart. He was under 18 when he hurt me so I can#%92t file charges towards him as an adult, I want to get a restraining order but I haven#%92t been able to yet. I#%92m hurting just thinking about it. I want my life back; I want him out of it. I don#%92t know who to turn to anymore. I don#%92t want to fall back into the deep depression I was in just a few years ago. I know I need help but I've doone everything I've can and still I'm hurting. I almost feel like I can't become the person I want to be because this is in the way.

ColleenC

Posted : 1/17/2007 1:45:37 AM

I'm so sorry! Just reading that nearly brought me to tears. Have you thought about continuing with the therapy? In a situation like this, it may be a life long process. Which isn't a bad thing at all. That is really all I know to say. Well, one other thing...even though this is a public forum with lots of strangers, we all feel like we know one another. Just talking (or typing) it out sometimes really helps take some of the stress away. We are all here for you and are more than happy to listen!

Xebby

Posted : 1/17/2007 1:57:40 AM

The therapy helps some but it can only go so far. When I have half my family telling me to "get over it" I don't know how to explain to them that there is nothing to "get over" I love my family and most of the time I enjoy being with them but I'm always afrade they are going to try to trick me into something I can't handel.

Once my grandma told me that I'm a beautiful girl and should be happy that guys want me in that way...ermm..I don't at all see myself as beautiful and if anything that just made me feel even worse about myself that I was used like that. It has been a challenge for the past few years. I should have graduated college by now and be half way threw grad school but it's so hard. Then I see and hear about what he has, a house a nice job and a huge truck and a son who should not even be anywere around him...I'm sturggling just to own then little I have. Most of what I own is because of my parents. It's just not fair, he hurt me so horrably and now he has everything he wants and I have almost nothing. It hurts me so much... He gets it's all and I've left withwhatere leftover part I can grab onto. I'm just so thankful I have my boyfriend to carrie me along but even he can only deal with so much of it, he also goes to counsling with me once in a while.

oh, I've been crying so much in the last few days...i just don't know what to do anymore...

lorib

Posted : 1/17/2007 3:13:35 AM

Your family should NOT be putting you through this. You deserve to be seen as a victim here, NOT as a finger-pointing harpy out to "ruin his life". Your mom is standing by you; at least one person in your family knows that you need this. Your grandmother is well-meaning, but living in another time when the "boys will be boys" attitude prevailed. It is time that you met this idiot face on (I know this will be extremely difficult for you) and tell him what he did to you and how he ruined part of your life. He needs to know that he will not be let off scott free with this. I understand that he admitted it, but it sounds like he's not taking responsibility for his actions, but instead is blaming them on his father (since dear ol' Dad did the same things to him).

As for him having things you don't, well, this is tougher. I understand why you feel the way you do, but he MAY be a hard worker and honestly came by these things by the sweat of his brow. I know he is still scum, but his employer probably only cares that he works hard (unless, of course, he does something to a coworker).

Check on the statute of limitations. You may be able to bring some sort of charges against him, even though he was a juvenile when this occurred. If not, it may stillbring some sort of closure for you.

Lastly, remember we are all here for you.

Scout in Canada

Posted : 1/17/2007 7:14:08 AM

My mother went through something similar. The only way she found to successfully deal with it is to essentially cut herself off from her extended family. So she maintained a great relationship with her own mother, siblings, etc, but didn't bother trying to go to extended family events. Instead she became very close with my dad's family. I know it's been hard on her to not be a part of her own family, but there was no good way to move on while still having to deal with them.

forpaws

Posted : 1/17/2007 7:41:50 AM

My mother went through something similar. The only way she found to successfully deal with it is to essentially cut herself off from her extended family. So she maintained a great relationship with her own mother, siblings, etc, but didn't bother trying to go to extended family events. Instead she became very close with my dad's family. I know it's been hard on her to not be a part of her own family, but there was no good way to move on while still having to deal with them.

I agree here. In order to move on you have to close this chapter of your life and do what is best for YOU, NOW.
Sending you comfort, peace and understanding.
Hugs

Angel

Michelle

Posted : 1/17/2007 8:24:09 AM

If your therapist is not a specialist in treating survivors of abuse, it's time to find one that is. Working through this is just like working through death, there are stages and different things to be addressed in each stage. I find it difficult to understand how an admitted abuser has continued contact with a minor child, his own no less, but I've seen worse things so it shouldn't surprise me. Since this occurred when he was a juvenile, that may impact things. I would, as I said, pursue this more aggressively with an expert in the area of abuse recovery. It also sounds like you are currently suffering from depression, and may need meds to help. My own personal/professional take on meds is that, depression is like a hole as people say, and "talk therapy" provides someone to help pull you out of that hole, but, but sometimes the hole is too deep, so you need a little bit more help in the form of meds, which acts like a ladder to get you to the point where you can reach up and grab the hands being offered you, by your therapist, boyfriend, mom. Hang in there, you can heal from this.

g33

Posted : 1/17/2007 9:26:59 AM

You're right, a dog forum is not the best place to seek advice for the kind of situation you describe. However, we can offer you what we can, which is our compassion, love, and support for you. Advice-wise, as it relates to you just keep in mind that none of us know our ass from a hole in the ground. [

]

I'm very sorry that this terrible thing happened to you, Xebby.

My advice to you is to get back into counseling full time. You need a therapist that can give you the tools to truly heal from this event. Some of that may include some role-playing, primal screaming, and trust exercises. In the course of therapy YOU may make the choice that your family situation is doing you more harm than good. It may also give you clarity regarding your relationship with your Mom and strength to handle that as you feel you should. I don't think that you should take any advice from this board as to what you should/shouldn't do with regard to your family because we are not there and have no idea - no matter how accurate you may be describing things - what it is really like for you. So my advice is to seek out a therapist and dedicate yourself to regular counseling.

My prayers are with you, and I wish you all the best in your life. Remember that YOU are whole, perfect, and complete exactly as you are and you have everything you need to make the life you want for yourself. No one else does: YOU. I promise.

the_gopher

Posted : 1/17/2007 10:47:30 AM

Xebby, as a survivor of date rape and sexual abuse (from a former BF), my heart goes out to you. I have no words of wisdom to offer, but you sound very angry to me, and that's a good thing. Getting angry for me, really righteously angry, was one of my own first real steps in healing. I had to deal with a lot of backlash particularly about my date rape, since I did not report it or tell anyone for years. My ex knew, but he was also sexually abusing me, so it wasn't like he cared. It may seem cold hearted to some, but I've cut out people in my life who just expected me to forgive and move on (or had the nerve to think it was nothing terrible that happened to me). And yes, some of those people were family members.

I did what I had to do to get better, and for the record I have not sought professional counseling, though I'm considering now because I still have issues with emotional binge eating (not purging). I too have a very supportive BF, but most of my healing was done before I met him. I'm in a happier place in my life, but your own personal route to that is of course personal. For me cutting out toxic people (be them friends or family) was the right choice. I do not regret it, if anything I regret their ignorance in not understanding how difficult sexual assault is to overcome. What was done to you was no small matter, it's a violation of body and spirit. It has long lasting reprecusions, and you only deserve people in your life who are fully loving and supportive.

I wish you only the best. If you want a recomendation for a non-dog online forum I have a great one. I've been a member there for over 4 years (and co-moderate there now) and the members are very nice and caring folks. I'd post a link here but I don't want to violate any posting regs. even though the board is free and there's no profit involved in it for me, except maybe passing along a supportive site for someone to emotionally benefit from.

Xebby

Posted : 1/17/2007 11:15:24 AM

I had written a long reply to eveyone here but as soon as I hit the OK button I was logged out[:@]

Basicaly, I have done it all, I went to a wonderful theripist and I've told my family exactly how I feel. For the most part they are my family and I get along with them but when they bring him into the picture it's so hard to deal with them. It's always "look what he's done, why can't you move on like him", "he's forgiven you, why can't you forgive him". Everything he has he lied to get, he didn't even finish high school because he was kicked out for drug dealing... uhhh...perhaps I should just forget it now, theres not much I can do anymore...

jones

Posted : 1/17/2007 11:21:27 AM

Xebby, every time a family member tell you to get over it or forgive that person, they are victimizing you all over again. You can't allow them to keep hurting you. It's wonderful that your parents are so supportive... I am sure they will support you in cutting those other people out of your life. You need to heal, not to keep reliving your abuse.

gayle

Posted : 1/17/2007 11:37:27 AM

i really do not know what to say. i just wanted you to know that i am sympathetic to your situation and i will listen to anything you need to get out. it is not much, but i think you are a wonderful person.

Benedict

Posted : 1/17/2007 11:40:33 AM

Xebby, I PMed you, but I wanted to comment on what you said about your family saying he's forgiven you.

YOU DID NOTHING that needed to be forgiven. YOU were the victim. Any attempt to make you feel as though you did something wrong is completely toxic to your life.

Kate

cakana

Posted : 1/17/2007 11:56:54 AM

Basicaly, I have done it all, I went to a wonderful theripist and I've told my family exactly how I feel.

Amanda, as much as I agree with everyone in regards to how some members of your family are acting, I honestly think it's probably time for more counseling. It's not unusual with circumstances this devastating to have setbacks. You might feel like you'd gotten what you needed out of therapy, but there are recurring and new issues that can reopen all of the wounds that you're trying to heal. I think that's what's happening and you deserve to take charge and not let it take you to that dark place again. You deserve to walk thru life as someone who might've been a victim of abuse before, but not any more. I can't imagine working thru this on my own or even with friends and family who can't really understand what you've been thru. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find peace about this.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 1/17/2007 12:18:12 PM

ORIGINAL: lorib

Your grandmother is well-meaning, but living in another time when the "boys will be boys" attitude prevailed.

Amanda, this is so so true. When your grandmother was young, the mind set was that these things were always "her" fault - her skirt was too short or too tight, her blouse was too low, she was *asking for it* by the way she walked, etc. etc. The perpetrator was always the "victim" - helpless, unable to control himself, etc. It's only in the last generation or so that people have come to see that rapes/molestations have nothing to do with sex, but rather are crimes of violence. They do it because they're bigger and they can. It gives them some creepy sense of empowerment. Check to see if there is a Women's Center on your campus. If there is, they probably have a group set up just to deal with what you've gone through. Believe me, you are not alone in dealing with this. I wish you all the love and healing in the world.

Joyce