I'm Keeping My Last Name!

i feel like i lost my true self by getting married. highly overrated tradition if you ask me.

 
That sounds depressing.  My first and last names are easily swapped and interchanged quite often, so I'm always saying, "First name Paige, last name X", but people still mess it up.  I suspect if my future dh had a better last name I'd take it, even though I like my maiden last name.
 
I had a male coworker who changed his last name to hyphenate w/his wife's. He was an especially odd duck.

i feel like i lost my true self by getting married. highly overrated tradition if you ask me
 
What a sad statement. [] Sorry to hear that Bradley... 
 
 
I am glad to say I am still "me"...but better, now that I am older and have someone in my life that really has helped me become an even better person.

That sounds depressing.

more than you know. i feel like i lost too much independence, and a lot of the qualities of myself that i always felt comfortable with. i definitely liked being single better. the first few months of marriage were ok. i am actually getting to the point where i would rather not even have a SO whether married or not. i felt much better about and comfortable with myself when i was totally unattached.

((((((((Bradley))))))))))

That breaks my heart.  Marriage is about loving, supporting, and encouraging growth in your partner - and that growth doesn't necessarily even have to do with that partner.  I believe each partner in a marriage needs interests and things that are THEIRS...and its awesome when the spouse wants to get into that world and share it....but those interests don't have to always include that partner.  When marriage becomes all about "the couple".... You will lose yourself.
 
My husband referees high school and collegiate hockey.  Sure it takes him out of the house quite a bit but he LOVES that and I would never begrudge him something he enjoys SO much.  And I love coming to the games occasionally to watch him skate. 

I encourage you to revisit the things that you love, Bradley, and reawaken that part of yourself.  (Granted as long as those things don't conflict with the basic pretense of marriage, ifyaknowwhatimean[]) 

The only problem I had with taking my husbands name was when my children started school and their little friends would call me Mrs. Milic. To me that was my mother-inlaw. It made me feel old, plus we had a mutual dislike for each other that didn't help in sharing the same handle. Other than that I am really glad our whole family share the same name. It identifies us as a unit. I can sign cards etc. from "The Milics". I love referring to us as 'The Milic Family'. I find it confusing when addressing a letter or invitation to a couple who do not have the same name. What is the proper wording? Mr. & Mrs. John Smith & Sally Jones? Mr. John Smith & Mrs. Sally Jones? Very confusing!
Hyphenated names also drive me crazy. I went to school with a chap whose name was Robert Codd-Downey. He married someone with a hyphenated name as well. I don't know if they ended up having children, but I often wondered if they would call their kids Codd-Downey-Reid-Thompson? At some point the hyphenated names just have to stop. What I prefer is that the child is given the moms Maiden name as a middle name and the fathers as the last.
If it is just the two of you, I say call yourselves what ever you like, but I think if you plan on having children it's nice for them to all share the same name. To me it says 'family'.

FYI: In Quebec your maiden name is your 'legal' name. Under British Common Law (rest of Canada) your married name is your legal name.

ORIGINAL: g33

((((((((Bradley))))))))))

That breaks my heart.  Marriage is about loving, supporting, and encouraging growth in your partner - and that growth doesn't necessarily even have to do with that partner.  I believe each partner in a marriage needs interests and things that are THEIRS...and its awesome when the spouse wants to get into that world and share it....but those interests don't have to always include that partner.  When marriage becomes all about "the couple".... You will lose yourself.

My husband referees high school and collegiate hockey.  Sure it takes him out of the house quite a bit but he LOVES that and I would never begrudge him something he enjoys SO much.  And I love coming to the games occasionally to watch him skate. 

I encourage you to revisit the things that you love, Bradley, and reawaken that part of yourself.  (Granted as long as those things don't conflict with the basic pretense of marriage, ifyaknowwhatimean[]) 

my wife it seems is a very negative person. i thought for a long time it was because she had a job she didnt like, but now she has a job she likes and still finds things to be negative about 24/7. do you know how crappy that is to live with? i hope not.

i miss the freedom of being my on my own A LOT. more than i ever thought i would. i used to spend majority of weekends biking (4-7 hrs on sat. and 3-4 hrs on sun) plus an hour or two almost every night (not to mention the racing). i miss occassional hiking/premitive camping trips. (my wife hates camping and in no uncertain terms said she would never go). i miss being able to go snowboarding at a moments notice (wife hates cold/snow too). i miss going clubbing and bar hopping with my friends. (of course most of them are married now and dont do that anymore either). my wife never in so many words asked me to give up the stuff, but i have never figured out how to do any of it half way. especially the biking, it is hard to give racing a good go without proper training, and it is hard to keep up with my buds on a weekend ride if i dont get to ride enough during the week.

i used to know what was going on my finances. we have one joint account now and my wife pays the bills and all that, which i am ok with. but i almost feel like i have to ask her permission to spend any money. and i have no clue what is in our savings account. she was late with a couple of bills before x-mas, and i asked her if she wanted me to take over the bill pay for a while. NOPE! i feel kinda like she is hiding something from me.

i HATE that if she checks the mail (and she usually does because she beats me home) she goes through all the mail with my name on it. i know most of it is bills and junk mail, but i dont open stuff with her name on it if i get the mail. i also hate that she knows my email password and checks out my email a lot. i dont know if she doesnt trust me or what the deal is. i have changed my password in the past and then she gets pissed that she cant check my email.

i hate that if i am having a crappy day, i cant just be. i have to listen to an endless barrage of questions about why am i depressed or unhappy. #1 if i wanted her to know i would tell her. #2 sometimes you just are, you know, and dont have a real reason for it.

i also hate that if i have a day off, and she had to work; the first question i get when she gets home is.. "so what did you do today?". it is my day off, maybe i did nothing, maybe i did some chores, maybe i went to a friends house, etc. but    what she is insinutating (sp?) is did i do any house work, and if not why. how do i know, because if i say nothing the next questions are ... did you see that the hamper is full? do you know how long since the floor was vacuumed? etc.

that's the short list anyways. i am sure there is stuff that she hates about me too, but you'd have to ask her about that.

wow that was a long b!tch. sorry.

Originally, wives were property

 
As a matter of fact, a high school teacher of mine informed us that the "Mrs." of a married woman used to be "Mr's", signifying ownership.... this is why she kept her name...
 
Im not sure if this is entirely true, but if it is.... what a reason to keep your name!

Married 18 years and never considered changing my name to his for a second because of the "property transfer" reasoning behind the tradition.  And because I am no different and do not need to be labeled "Mrs." to be committed.  Nor do I feel the need to make my relationship clear or easily understood to any passer by in my life. I have briefly thought about just changing my name to my mother's maiden name because it is rare, hard to pronounce and because my maternal grandparents were a profound influence on my life.  We have a marriage of equals and the symbolic subjugation was just too much for me.
 
BUT - this was my choice and I do not for an instant feel I should influence or make that choice for anyone else: no judging!  I do not presume anything about a person who chooses otherwise except that the tradition meant something to them where it did not hold the same meaning for me.  I do not presume changing one's name implies literal subjugation, though I know for some, for reasons of faith, this, too, to some extent is part of the package and not an unhappy thing.
 
We were engaged about a month when I suddenly thought to ask him, "You aren't expecting me to change my name, are you?"  And he responded, "Why would I want you to do that?  I love your name!"  Love him!!

ORIGINAL: cyclefiend2000

i hate that if i am having a crappy day, i cant just be. i have to listen to an endless barrage of questions about why am i depressed or unhappy. #1 if i wanted her to know i would tell her. #2 sometimes you just are, you know, and dont have a real reason for it.

i also hate that if i have a day off, and she had to work; the first question i get when she gets home is.. "so what did you do today?". it is my day off, maybe i did nothing, maybe i did some chores, maybe i went to a friends house, etc. but    what she is insinutating (sp?) is did i do any house work, and if not why. how do i know, because if i say nothing the next questions are ... did you see that the hamper is full? do you know how long since the floor was vacuumed? etc.

 
 
It seems that you love to be in control and marriage has making you not to be able to do that, yes girls like to talk about your day even when you spend the whole day sleeping in bed, thats why they wrote that book "women are from venus and men from mars", my wife was coming and tell me about her problems and as a guy i was always looking for a solution for them but she just wanted me to listen, the simple fact of me listening was enough solution for her [] 
 
For the same reason she asks you why you are upset, thats what girls do, she thinks that talking about it will make you feel better but guys are different, guys dont talk about it sometimes to be able to feel that they have the situation under control

I hypenated my last name because 1. I didn't want to change my name and 2. Brett's last name is complicated, so when combined with mine, my name would have been an atrocity. lol  I still go by my last name because it's so much easier that way.

ORIGINAL: cyclefiend2000

my wife it seems is a very negative person. i thought for a long time it was because she had a job she didnt like, but now she has a job she likes and still finds things to be negative about 24/7. do you know how crappy that is to live with? i hope not.

i miss the freedom of being my on my own A LOT. more than i ever thought i would. i used to spend majority of weekends biking (4-7 hrs on sat. and 3-4 hrs on sun) plus an hour or two almost every night (not to mention the racing). i miss occassional hiking/premitive camping trips. (my wife hates camping and in no uncertain terms said she would never go). i miss being able to go snowboarding at a moments notice (wife hates cold/snow too). i miss going clubbing and bar hopping with my friends. (of course most of them are married now and dont do that anymore either). my wife never in so many words asked me to give up the stuff, but i have never figured out how to do any of it half way. especially the biking, it is hard to give racing a good go without proper training, and it is hard to keep up with my buds on a weekend ride if i dont get to ride enough during the week.

i used to know what was going on my finances. we have one joint account now and my wife pays the bills and all that, which i am ok with. but i almost feel like i have to ask her permission to spend any money. and i have no clue what is in our savings account. she was late with a couple of bills before x-mas, and i asked her if she wanted me to take over the bill pay for a while. NOPE! i feel kinda like she is hiding something from me.

i HATE that if she checks the mail (and she usually does because she beats me home) she goes through all the mail with my name on it. i know most of it is bills and junk mail, but i dont open stuff with her name on it if i get the mail. i also hate that she knows my email password and checks out my email a lot. i dont know if she doesnt trust me or what the deal is. i have changed my password in the past and then she gets pissed that she cant check my email.

i hate that if i am having a crappy day, i cant just be. i have to listen to an endless barrage of questions about why am i depressed or unhappy. #1 if i wanted her to know i would tell her. #2 sometimes you just are, you know, and dont have a real reason for it.

i also hate that if i have a day off, and she had to work; the first question i get when she gets home is.. "so what did you do today?". it is my day off, maybe i did nothing, maybe i did some chores, maybe i went to a friends house, etc. but    what she is insinutating (sp?) is did i do any house work, and if not why. how do i know, because if i say nothing the next questions are ... did you see that the hamper is full? do you know how long since the floor was vacuumed? etc.

that's the short list anyways. i am sure there is stuff that she hates about me too, but you'd have to ask her about that.

wow that was a long b!tch. sorry.

Hmmm, sounds like you need marriage counseling ASAP! [:-]

I actually can relate to your wife on some of that stuff. I'm not a very hardy person physically and biking would be out of the question for me. I also hate camping and the cold. BUT, that's why I never would have married someone with your interests. I know it wouldn't work for me. My husband is a musician and I love his music. It's one of my favorite things to do and it works out really well because not only is it not a chore to go to his shows, but I love it and it's one of our favorite things to do! We like going to see movies and we like all of the same movies so it's never a problem choosing what movie to go see or rent. He also loves animals and supports me in all of those interests.

He couldn't care less if I open mail addressed to him or if I have his e-mail password. I usually don't read that stuff just because I don't really care whats in them. lol But he doesn't mind and I like that he's easygoing about stuff. If things like her not opening your mail or reading your e-mail are important to you, then I think that should have been discussed going into the relationship. Every marriage is different and you have to do what YOU are comfortable with.

Anyway, I don't want to imply that my marriage isn't any work. Definitely not the case!! We still have to work to keep the romance alive and deal with normal life stresses. But the fact that our personalities are compatible and we have common interests is really a saving grace.

Have you discussed all the things you mentioned with your wife? I think it would be very unfair to her not to. You have to let her know that when you've had a crappy day you just need some time to yourself. When girls are upset they vent; guys handle things differently and it's important for her to understand and respect that. I understand your perspective of wanting to relax on your day off- that's perfectly reasonable. I understand her perspective also; she comes home and looks around at everything that needs to be done and probably feels overwhelmed. I know that feeling! I also tend to be negative and get upset when things need to be done. But that's something that can be worked on. I'm learning to not get upset about every little thing and to see the glass as half full instead of half empty.

Maybe you can come to some sort of compromise where you change your e-mail password to something that she doesn't know and she doesn't open your mail. She gives you a break from doing stuff around the house on your day off. You can spend that day biking or doing whatever you want. She lets you just have some time to yourself when you've had a bad day. She works on her own negativity issues and is more enjoyable to be around..... Just some ideas. []

It seems that you love to be in control and marriage has making you not to be able to do that, yes girls like to talk about your day even when you spend the whole day sleeping in bed, thats why they wrote that book "women are from venus and men from mars", my wife was coming and tell me about her problems and as a guy i was always looking for a solution for them but she just wanted me to listen, the simple fact of me listening was enough solution for her

i dont offer her any advice about anything unless specifically asked. that really isnt the problem. the problem is her whoa is me attitude.

Hmmm, sounds like you need marriage counseling ASAP!

that is probably not a bad idea. however, i am not sure we could afford it financially. it may be too late anyways, and i would hate to spend a ton of money on a counselor and have it do no good.

as for the email situation... i dont have anything to hide, that is not what i am trying to say. i just dont like it. i have set up a new email account that my wife doesnt know about and really dont get much other than emails from my family or newsletters on the old one.

Have you discussed all the things you mentioned with your wife?

most of those things... no. i normally dont like talking about stuff that is bothering me. i am not sure why i posted all that stuff earlier. totally out of my character.

thanks for the advice.

--bradley

ORIGINAL: espencer
 my wife was coming and tell me about her problems and as a guy i was always looking for a solution for them but she just wanted me to listen, the simple fact of me listening was enough solution for her [] 

That's funny, because not long ago I had an argument with a male online friend because he was constantly whining to me about problems he was having, but as soon as I offered potential solutions, he'd come up with a bunch of lame excuses for why he couldn't do that. As it turned out, he just wanted me to listen to his whining and nod sympathetically. I could not understand why he didn't want my helpful tips. []

I have since heard that thing about women listening and men solving. It's funny that we had some role-reversal going on there without realising it. I think it's nice to just have someone listen to you sometimes, but sometimes you appreciate constructive advice as well.

Bradley, sadly, I do know what it's like living with someone like that. Your wife sounds hideously like my father, who I'm living with again at the moment. It's very trying when someone in the house is negative about everything. And then he develops clinical depression and you still can't convince him to try being positive for a change. When he's not being negative, he's talking to me as if I were a 5 year old. He also nags and demands and argues and insinuates and then starts an argument to deny he's insinuating anything when you confront him about it. To top it all off, anything I do for myself is either sarcastically criticised or patronisingly praised. I'd really like it if he just let me do something without commenting on it. Just once. [:'(]

You have my sympathy.

Bradley things will never change until you sit down and tell her whats bothering you.Me and my OH used to sit down and write down all the things that bothered us about one another on a bit of paper and then swap and let eachother read what we wrote,it was a wonderful way to vent [].Well to be honest this was all my idea and i wrote down waaaay more then he did [8|]

We are still together and if i'm to be totally honest,i cant stand the guy,and i think he feels the same about me?? Were just stuck in a rut,and it's easier to stay then to leave.I often find myself wishing something bad upon him when he's out so that i dont have to see him anymore...>terrible i know<<[&:]

He's a complete emotional cripple,and a lazy arse to boot... He does have his own business and does a good job there,but when it comes to home stuff,he does NOTHING,his only job at home is to do the dinner dishes,and i must admit i get very pi**ed off when i've been out all day and come home to see he's still lying in the same position on the couch watching his freaking sports shows.He's been on holidays for the past 4 weeks and i'm about ready to pull my hair out!!!!!

I talk more to the dogs than i do to him,and i spend more quality time with them too.I have a daughter from a previous marriage,and i'm lucky if they say 2 words to eachother every couple of days.His attitude is if she doesnt try,neither will he.She's only 14 for gods sakes,he's the adult and should lead by example..she cant stand him either!!

I would love to be single and only have to worry about myself and the kid.Being in a partnership is waaay over rated,having a man is just like having another child to look after.Being single and independant is my utimate dream,but i dont work so cant afford to leave [&:]

Bottom line Bradley is for you to grow some balls,and tell her exactly whats bothering you![] I never hold anything in with OH and let him know exactly when something he's done is bothering me,but i do it in a joking non confrontive way,instead of being all serious and naggy,he still gets the point..