Long overdue Mom update

May the new year bring even more progress with your mother's recovery.

I'm going to jump back on the bandwagon here about you feelng guilty --
 
why not ask -- the families of those who DIED because someone *else's* family were so self-serving and self-thinking that they came to visit Mom SICK themselves which then spread it to the rest of the home and unit.  The families who didn't get to spend the holiday with their family because of it, etc. 
 
Your sister obviously needs to see an optometrist -- she has an 'I' problem!

Jumping on Callie's bandwagon here - my dad passed away on Jan 6th of last year in a nursing home, and he died of pneumonia.  Did he catch a bug from someone?  I have no idea, but nursing homes are havens for viruses and such, and once they infiltrate, they can affect everyone in there.  Not to stir the pot, but maybe you should ask for a family meeting where you all agree that no one visits if they even think they're ill, and no one dumps guilt on anyone for abiding by the rule.  

I've had this problem a few times and nurses have complained with sick family members visiting my sick patient.  I've come up with this trick to take blame off the nurses and family members and place it on me so no family conflict.  I'm a sign person, I will write an order for the nurses to place a sign outside the door and over the bed that states "Contact precautions, no ill visitors please".  That way your sister would think twice about going in and you wouldn't have to get in an argument  

See, BOTH of them were spending hours and hours with Mother and laying the guilt trip on me because I was "only" stopping in once in the morning, for lunch and then in the afternoon as well as after work this past week.  And not at all Thursday after lunch since I had to cover the office, and again not at all on Friday because I did have to cover the office and I was so sick and looked soooo terrible I would have scared her.  I was white as chalk and had horrid dark circles under my eyes.
 
In a normal family a family meeting would be a wonderful idea.  In MY family it would be pointless...we all have to make the decisions that are right for us after all.....but mine are never right. The youngest is always wrong, you know.  And Sis dislikes the old bat, but when she's around, teams up with her 100%.  THEY all went together to look at the nursing home....I wasn't invited.  When I mentioned it later it was "oh, I thot you were unavailable...."  And sadly?  That sign would apply to anyone OTHER than the two older sisters.  After all, they think that they had the same thing that Mom did.  Yep, so kept going and making her sicker.
 
Yeah, I am feeling enormous guilt for being human....for NEEDING one day a week that I can stay home, cook for the dogs, clean up this pigstye, to try to catch up with myself, do the laundry, maybe breath.  When I'm not sick as a skunk.  And I'm really annoyed that the sister who couldn't be able to come up for the FIRST six hospital visits is pushing ME to be there more.  Where has SHE been all this time??  Whoops, sorry, forgot about that 3 week cruise in Greece......
 
With Sis, I think a ton of this goes back to the ER.  She couldn't look at Mother tubed, with her head back, her mouth open and sedated into a near coma.  I wanted to run screaming from the room myself.  But, I sucked it up and sat beside Mom, held her hand and talked to her.  Sis kept trying to get me to leave the room.  And she made a comment that was almost scornful to the pastor about me being so strong.....I think she resents that I CAN do what it takes and worry about me later on.  And the day we had the fight, I told her that she was trying to bury Mom while she was still breathing, and I told her that Mom was coming back to us.  I also told her that fateful Saturday nite that I thot Mom needed to go to the ER.  It was her decision not to even go over herself to see...she sent her husband.  And yep, I should have just gone back, or sent DS, so I get some of that guilt too, but dang it, I'm not being a witch to everyone else.  And I haven't said, "yeah, Sis, you really screwed up not going over to the house and MAKING Mom go to the ER"
 
Since we've moved back up here, I've seen a side of my sister that I strongly dislike.  It makes me sad.  And, then again, when the two of them start double teaming me about how selfish I'm being, how I'm ABANDONING Mother to the Nursing Home, I have to wonder if I am being.  I stayed home today too.  My poor dogs have had to eat kibble the last two nites, my house looks like someone dropped a bomb in it, and I had nothing left to wear the laundry was piled so high.  Mother had company coming ALLL day, and DS is on his way to see her now, and originally, Sis had said we should NOT be there all the time, should not get her so dependent on us being there that she couldn't function without us.......but all of a sudden, I'm the one who is wrong.  I give up.  At least I can dump all of this on you guys.  That keeps me sane.

Dump all you want, Glenda.     I'm so sorry you have unreasonable, selfish sisters.  I get the feeling that they want YOU to offer to take your mom in, so THEY don't have to feel guilty about her going to a nursing home.
 
If that happens, or if they say, "we will take turns",  Don't fall for it.  They aren't responsible enough.  You are.  But being responsible means making the best decision for everyone involved - everyone - including yourself.
 
Glenda, you are the responsible one.  So, yes, that makes it up to you to make some tough decisions.  The toughest one ahead of you is to remember that you are WORTH taking care of.  YOU.  You have the right, the responsiblitly, the obligation, and hopefully, enough love for your self to put value of yourself equally into whatever equation is necessary.
 
Now, I know you don't want your mom to go into a nursing home.  Most people don't want that.  Who does?  But, being realstic, we aren't in the days of old where you stay at home and "keep" house, maybe going into town once a week for supplies, and for church.   That isn't life these days. 
 
If it were truly possible and reasonable for your mom to not go into a nursing home (depending on health and mental status), it still would be too much for just one person to bear.  It would have to be a shared responsiblity.  And, I'm afraid you're not going to get that.
 
It's not fair being ganged up on.  And it's not fair of being acusted of not loving your mother, when, clearly you do love her.  It's not fair to be accusted of not being there enough, when you are doing the very best you can with everything you must juggle.  Who could do better?  Really?  No one could.  Any person can only do so much in a day with whatever allotment of energy and gifts that that person has been allocated by God to have.
 
I don't know what your sisters issues are, and it's terribly tough when there is so much of a negative atmoshpere.  Do all you can to remember that, despite their actions, you do not deserve to be treated this way.  You should be treated with respect as any other person should be.    Not "dumped" on.    I'm sorry they are causing you so much grief and  it sounds like , verbally abusing you as well.   Just remember that you don't deserve what they are throwing at you.  Do the very best you can.  Do what you have to do.  Keep your own conscious clean.  Do what you've got to do to be able to mentally be at peace with yourself and to be able to sleep at night --->and that includes taking care of yourself and having enough energy to take care of YOU.   Just walk thru this with your head held high, and make the decisions that you must - if they chose to argue, then walk out of the room and let them argue without you.
 
You can't "DO ENOUGH" to make people love you.  You can't ever be "enough" for someone else.  The only ONE who can fill that need is God. 
 
You are going to have to make the tough decisions to BALANCE all of your needs.  All of them.  Not just what mom needs.  You can't be the only one being responsible for her.  There are other responsibilites on your plate.   Keep your head high, don't mindless argue with them (that would be like feeding the trolls)  and just walk over the crap that's thrown at you.  Don't let it hit you - just keep walking.     In the end, you'll be the only one sleeping at night. 

Glenda, I'm sorry you've been battling a bug yourself on top of this incredibly difficult situation.  I know how frustrating (even INFURIATING) it is to deal with siblings and family members when it involves elderly parents.  I've seen it my family more than once, and I know we've got more of it ahead yet. 
 
Not only is it important to preserve your own health, it's also true what you (and others here) have said -- you simply can't risk exposing your mother and other patients to any germs you may be carrying.  If people were more considerate about this simple idea, we'd all avoid more illnesses throughout the year!
 
Situations like these make every negative thing between family members get amplified, and the "true nature" of some family members becomes startingly apparent.  An example of something that happened in our extended family years ago:  after the death of her Dad, our aunt (by marriage) was floored by her sister's actions at the funeral and the reception afterwards.  The reception was held in the Dad's house, during which her sister went through the house, gathering everything of her dad's that she wanted (despite his wishes of who received what).  She insisted on having an heirloom rocking chair that was presented to him upon his retirement, and she made a woman who was sitting in while nursing her baby get out of it so she could pack it into her car!
 
Just because people are related to us doesn't automatically make them truly good people that we would genuinely like if they weren't our family members!  Hang in there -- you're doing great!

Oddly enough, I'm the only one sleeping NOW.  My body's reaction to stress is to shut down and sleep.  Sis keeps having nightmares of the horror movie scene that she walked into on the 17th....and I don't know what the oldest sister issues are, but she complains that she hasn't slept in two weeks either.  So, they aren't pleased that I sit down and am asleep.  I don't always STAY asleep, and it wasn't uncommon for me to call the hospital at 3AM when I'd wake up in a panic.  But, that part escapes them.
 
My sisters know that Mother wouldn't want to live with us.  She is not fond of   animals and afraid of most of my dogs, and I've got a small scale petting zoo here.  And, I'm a good 45 minutes from her hospital.
 
Sis is very responsible, but she's also used to being the only one living in state and she doesn't want to give up any of the many responsibilities that she's always whining about.  Mom's grass needs cutting and they want to go out of town?  No problem, I'll do it.  Nope, she'll just hire it done.  The gripping about the countless lists of things that need doing?  Well, give me some of those things to do......those Sunday dinners at Mom's get mighty boring sitting around "visiting" for hours.....nope, her DH will do everything.  I was really HURT this summer when SHE made the decision when her son was in critical condition to pack up a fresh out of the hospital Mom and dump her on the oldest sis who was vacationing at a little lake way out in the boonies.  I'm 40 minutes away.    But, I sure feel like a fink griping about her this way.

Nah, you're not.  What you are is human.  And, you need to talk and vent about what's going on.  Otherwise, it stays bottled up and will make you sicker.  Now, I'm not saying we need to go around all the time talking bad about people just because we feel that way at the moment.  Quite the opposite, actually. We are supposed to talk good about people.

But, this isn't a usual circumstance.  This is a very stressful event where you've built up a lot of confusing and irritated feelings.  In this case, better they come out. 

Now, see, you're already thinking of your sis in a slightly better light, * I think*.

Now, it actually made sense that your sis packed your mom up at your other sister's place.  She couldn't have taken her to your house, by your own admission. []

The other things, well, let me tell you--- there are people in life, who from my experience don't change in this area --- who seem to "NEED" to be in charge.  Whether they really are or not.  They need to feel like they are "in control"  They have a need to be "command central".   I have found out that these types of people actually cause themselves alot more headache and work by being this way.  If you can't share the responsibities, then it's all yours.

But, wait.    I've got to complain about it, too!   "It's all mine, you can't have any, and woe is me, I've got all this stuff to take care of"   "Aren't I important"?

See where we're getting out?  These seemingly spiteful and selfish sisters are actually much worse off than you are in many ways.    It's a lot of work to get our own heads on straight.  Some of us take a whole lot of years to get to that point.  I think they haven't made it to that point yet where they've dealt with all the guilt of whatever, needing to be affirmed and loved by someone, or whatever it might have been to cause them to react they way they do now.

Yep, I'm sorry for everything you're going thru.  But, I feel much sorrier for your sisters than I do for you because you've got more things figured out about who you are. I've no doubt that you're going to land on your feet.  Your sister's landing will be much shakier.

People who act like they are acting toward their very own sister are people who feel threatned.  Not that you are going to harm them.  But, that "they" aren't in control.  That something, not even having to do with you, may come along and change all their dominos that they've spent years stacking up in just a particular position.

They are more fragile than you and hide it well behind a gruff, mean, and controlling exterior.

So, go back now to thinking of all the postive things you can think about them.  Each of them.  Think of something everyday that is really good about them each.

Show how strong you are by telling them something you like or appreicate about them every time you see them.

LOVE them with kindness, despite them appearing to deserve otherwise.

Hopefully, it will, in time, soften an attitude up.   But, if it doesn't soften one of them, it will most definatly do something wonderful for you.  You will be able to remember more easily the good things about them.  And, you need that most of all.  Really, you do.  Being hurt and angry will poison you.

Loving them despite their weaknesses will heal you in ways that you need.

Remember,  you are loved!!  []

I've been thinking about this for hours.  Between 3 and 3:30 is when Mom would always wake up to go to the bathroom in the night, and since her fall, I've been doing the same...not to go to the bathroom, but rather waking up in a panic.........that's not as horrible as it sounds...I take a few deep breaths and get up and go to bed, which hubby appreciates!
 
But, I've been hurt that since we moved back up here, Sis has not found time ONCE to have coffee with me....in almost 2 years time.  She's been to my home exactly twice and for very short periods then, and only to bring Mom.  And again, all my offers to share the load have been brushed off and pushed aside.  This is the sister who I have been closest to all my life.  I've invited her to picnics, picnics with Mom, shopping, etc, and she never has time for me.  So, yes, honestly that hurts.  But, when I was sitting in the OR waiting room while Todd had his procedure, she was there with me.  So I have to try to let the other stuff go and hold on to that.
 
I know that she is feeling enormous guilt for NOT going over to Mom's that nite, for not taking her to the ER.    And I guess this is her way of trying to compensate....giving up her entire life.  Why she feels the need to keep reminding me of all she's given up, I'm not sure.  Perhaps she's trying to guilt me into giving up more, but there is only one of me and I don't live 10 minutes from everything as she does.  The nursing home is past town and it takes a little over an hour for us to even get there.  Mom has said repeatedly that having so many visitors really tires her out....until yesterday it was only family, so that tells me she'd rather NOT have us there all the time.  And, maybe she genuinely does feel like since she's giving up her life, I should as well, but the reality is that I can't give up my job, and I do need to eat and sleep now and then.  I have no place to stay in town....even if Mom wanted me to stay at her house, Sis wouldn't allow it, and I sure am not welcome at Sis's.  She's got this sterile environment thing going on and I might have germs.  Yeah, that was catty and I'm sorry, but Sis has a serious OCD thing going on.
 
So, as far as THIS sister goes, I need to try to focus on the good parts of her and just do my best to blow off the hateful comments...maybe just bring them here and dump them off.
 
Just my random musings for the morning......

I do my own laundry and can usually be trusted to DWs laundry. If I were there, I could at least do the laundry for ya. As for cooking for the troops, you would have to supervise me at least once to make sure I do it right, per your method.
 
For an extra chocolate chip cookie I could even keep my mouth shut and not ask your sisters if that's their "tough talk." I usually stay out of others' family squabbles, etc.
 
Of course, I have an ulterior motive. I'd want to meet those lovable GSDs.
 

LOL!  Ron, are you angling for an invite?  And how did you know that all the Christmas goodies I baked ended up in the freezer and haven't seen the light of day since?  Several dozen choc chippers in there........
 
I think more than anything else, I'm really stunned to clearly see this side of my sister...so shocked and uneasy with it.  And thank goodness I can come here and vent so I don't loose it and call her a nasty word again!

Ron,
 
I want you to know I appreciate your sense of humor.  I really do.  I see it in threads when it is most needed.  Thanks for that.
 
Glenda, I hope you are feeling better this morning.  I know all about the OCD germ thing.  I lived it most of my life since when I first got sick about 30 years ago --- up to the point that I got two dogs / no yard / lots of poops in the house.    I guess it worked by way of the immersion theory.  In time, I was so overwhelmed with germs that I just couldn't worry about them anymore.    But, it took loving these dogs so much - it took something that was more important than the germs to help me get over it.  But, I still don't like shaking other peoples hands.  I don't think that's OCD, I think that is just plain smart!   So, I will tell you that your sis with the OCD is absolutely miserable.  She really is.  It's a terrible way to live.  "something bad that  you can't control might happen if you don't do ___________"   It does not base its self on logic.  Really it doesn't.  There is a part of the brain that just follows "feelings".  Your logical side of you brain can tell you one thing ( ok, that's really not that bad, you won't get hurt, nothing bad is going to happen).  But, your emotional side Overwhelms the logic side.  The emotional side says "something bad will happen", and it takes over the logic.  That something bad may be with germs or may be if you don't turn that light switch off and on a certain number of times.  Or check the locks and stove 1/2 dozen times.      She is worn out by this constant battle and vigilance that is going on inside her every waking moment.   You can't relax.  It is a constant struggle to "overcome" these emotions.  Nope, being at her house would cause her more stress right now. Not b/c it's you, but b/c of the germs.  And, really, you do have all those terrible doggie germs on your clothes!  I make fun of it only b/c I've walked thru it.  It is very real to her.
 
So, is this the same sis who hasn't had coffee with you?  If so, that may be why.  You do have doggie germs on you - your house is infested with them.  If you go and stay at your mom's house, then you will carry those doggie germs in there, and then she will have to be around them.  If this is the same sis, then it is NOT you, but this totally irrational fear that she CANNOT control.  At least she can't control it on her own.   You are, inadvertently and to no fault of your own, adding to her stress levels.  Now, this isn't your problem - it is her problem.  By this I mean don't go feeling guitly by adding to her stress.  If it wasn't this, it would be something else.  Really, it would.  But that may go a ways to explaining her behaviour towards you.

The family dynamics can be startling at times like this and I promise you're not alone in what you're going thru.  My sister took up using drugs in her early 30s and lost her home and my neice and nephew.  Things were never the same and I haven't talked to her in many years.  Her kids never hear from her and don't want to.  When my dad passed away last Jan. we bought her a plane ticket (and one for her BF) to come to the funeral.  She made it to S.F. and never got on the connecting flight to So. Cal.  She didn't call or anything, and the only way we knew was by checking with the airline that she got on another plane and went back home.  SIGH - she and I were super close.  She's 5 yrs older and when my mom died and I was 12, she became like a mom to me.  It's been very hard to let go of the relationship I wanted to have with her.  My dad was so hurt by her never calling or coming to see him that he disinherited her.  I was the youngest and the peacemaker.  My brother and sister never got along and my sister hated that I was close to him.  Maybe there's some of that going on with your sisters?  My brother and I didn't agree or see eye to eye on everything regarding my dad's care the last couple years, but we managed to work together towards doing the best we could for my dad and putting our personal feelings aside.  When we had the funeral, my brother amazed me in the best ways.  He really made it clear that this was "our" dad and made sure to ask me about everything regarding the arrangements.  When he gave the eulogy, it was one of the first times I'd ever seen him cry and he said "my sister and I appreciate you all taking the time to come and honor my dad.  He would've been very pleased to see all of you here".  It was beautiful.   Glenda - my point is that this is a majorly rough time for all of you and you're going to have this stuff surface that has nothing to do with your mom, but is about past and current hurt feelings.  Try not to let those become a focal point.  Not just for your mom's sake, but for your own.  You need to be able to sit quietly and ask yourself if you're doing what's best for you, your mom and the rest of your family.  Don't forget the "you" part because you won't be able to do what you need to for the others if you aren't taking care of yourself.  No one wants to think later that they could've/should've done more, so balance that with what is humanly possible.  Visit your mom because you want to, she needs to see you, etc.  Don't visit her because your sister's made you feel guilty or because there's a mental tally sheet everyone's keeping and you don't want to come up short.  I'm rambling now, but hopefully some of this made sense. 

Ron often manages to make me chuckle, without even trying.  He's great at knowing when I need a laugh.
 
And Cathy, yes, everything you said makes perfect sense.  I think Sis finally realizes that I'm burning the candle at both ends and the middle but am still willing to help with laundry and what not (which she would rather do herself), but dang it, she KNOWS that I've made the offer and if she complains about it again she won't have a sympathetic ear!
 
Mom called me at the office this afternoon at 3:45 in a panic because she'd been sitting there all day waiting for Sis to come get her and take her out for dinner.  Sis was there when I went for lunch and was due back at 4PM.  I stayed with Mom until after 2pm, and helped her get laid down to take a nap before her outing, but somehow in that hour and a half she got lonely and forgot when it was in the day.  The late afternoon confusion and fatigue worries me, and I really hope this little outing this afternoon will help her feel a bit more normal.......