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A little too much on my mind at this moment late at night. (long)

Posted : 10/3/2006 2:12:28 AM

I only write this because I don't know what else to do. You don't have to respond I just need to check myself and write out my feelings. Sharing helps some so I'll just post it here to get it all out.

I can't sleep most nights and tonight is the same as other nights. I lay down in bed close my eyes and think about sleep, my body tells me I need some rest but my mind still has a lot to tell me before I enter dream world. I start to cry when I think about what I'm doing with my life. I'm 24, just turned 24 three days ago and yet I'm still in college, my 6th year, still have no idea where I'm going, still feel like I'm stupid, still feel like I'm not going anywere, still have a grudge agenst the rest of the world. I try but nothing happens, I give up and still nothing comes my way. I don't know what I'm good at and I don't know what I should do anymore. I thouhgt that maybe I could finish college and go to grad school or even vet school. Now I just feel like I'm doing the whole college thing because that what everyone else exspect of me, maybe I am ment for someting different. I do fine in classes, my grades are not bad at all, I'm just not interested in most of everything anymore.

I love animals and could live with them for the rest of my life, they care about me, they sence my fears, my happyness, they know me better then I know myself. I've always seen myself helping them, giving back the kindness they give to me. That is what I want to do with my life but why is it so difficult to get to that point. I enjoyed my job as a vet tech but I could not make a living off of $5.25/hr and so I returned to college to finish my degrees. I'm double majoring in Geology and Biology, it's difficlut, yes, but it can be done. Why do I feel like I'm not at the leavel I should be at right now? Why do I feel like I don't know what I should know. I can't understand why I just can't get past this stump in my life. I've been in this game too long and I need out, I need a real job that can support me for my life. I need to do things for myself and stop depending on my parents and boyfriend to take care of me. They love me very much and I can't thank these people enough for everything they have done for me but I need to let go, fly off, pay my own way through this world. I'm just traped right now, I don't know how to take care of myself.

How many more sleepless nights will I have to suffer through before I figure all of this out? What am I best at and how do I get there? I feel better now that I wrote that all out. It doesn't look that bad, I just needed to see my thoughts, yes I can do this. I just need some guidence, I need some advice, I need someone to show me what I'm ment to do, how to live my life for what I was born to do. I'll just open whatever door is right in front of me, I just want that peek of what is inside, maybe that is where I will go.

Vinia

Posted : 10/3/2006 2:39:57 AM

I'm so sorry that you feel this way at the moment! ***HUGS***. [sm=sad.gif]
I'm not even 24 yet so I'm not sure whether anything I can say will be helpful , but I have been through a similar phase, where I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, that I was still dependent on people around me, and just lost all drive and direction.

I used to be very goal-driven. I had to know where I was going, how I was going to get there and when I was going to get there, and what I was going to do after I'd done that. Something that I realised was that if I kept comparing where I was now to where I wantedto be/do in the future, I'd never get there and spend too much time worrying about that to enjoy what I had now/in the present.

It sounds like you've got a lot of great things going on- you seem to be an intelligent, sensitive and caring person, you're doing fine at college, double majoring in Geology and Biology (which is impressive in itself), you've got Gizmo, who you've done wonderful things with, and you at least have an idea of where you want to do in the future. That's a lot better than a lot of people my/your age that I know.
I think I'm just blathering now, but hang in there! This too shall pass....

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, and so are all the other i-doggers!

Xebby

Posted : 10/3/2006 3:02:12 AM

Thanks you sooooo much, you don't know how happy that made me feel right now.[

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Whe I started college I knew exactly what I was going to to. My other intrest is in paleotolongy, dinosaurs and the such which is why I started in Geology. I was going to discover a dino no one had ever seen before, I would travel the world, see things no one else knew exsisted. Yep, that was my dream. However, my true passion lies in what is already living so when I was one semester away from getting my geology degree I swiched to Biology. Being so close to finishing my geo stuff I just decited to double major in both. But it is true, my dog has been my greatest helper to get through everything, she is always there when I need her. It's just at this moment everything seems so far away and not as well planed from what I orginaly wanted to do.

corvus

Posted : 10/3/2006 4:31:38 AM

I can certainly relate to what you're going through. I've recently discovered that all my big dreams I had for my life when I started my degree just aren't what I want anymore. It's amazing how quickly things can happen in your life to change your direction and your priorities. I wanted to be a zoologist. I wanted to travel the world and see all the different and exciting wildlife it has to offer. Ironically, I've clung to that dream for the last 8 years and it's got me through so many hard times, kept me focussed, been my lifeline, and suddenly, I don't want to leave my pets and my boyfriend and my family. I don't want to be poor or unsure of my future employment or income. I had a huge reality check just last weekend and decided to drastically change my big dream. It was heartbreaking because it had become such a big part of me and I couldn't let it go without feeling like I'd lost something that defined me. But things change and we have to change with them.

I'm nearly 24 and I still think I have plenty of time to do what I want to do, even if I change my mind about that and have to start again. A lifetime is a long time and you can change whenever you like. My brother got to his final year of his PhD and abruptly left science and academia behind to work on something he was finding much more enjoyable. No one ever imagined he would get tired of physics, least of all him, but it happened and he had the courage to leave it all and do something else. No one ever would have imagined I'd abandon that dream of being a travelling zoologist, either, and certainly not me. It's crazy that I got so far along that line that my dream was practically a reality and then I decided to change. [

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Anyway, the point I'm driving at is that it's tricky planning for the future and you have to be prepared for unexpected changes of heart and that kind of thing. If you feel directionless, it's no big deal. You have a long time to find your way. Relax, do what you're doing and wait for things you will know that you're made for. I have no doubt you will find exactly what you need, so just take some deep breaths, toss in a little blind faith, and trust in life's amazing ability to move you in the right directions.

And we're always here for you to have an emotional dump on. [

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Vinia

Posted : 10/3/2006 5:05:38 AM

Nicely put, Melissa [

] - at 24, you really have your whole life ahead of you- plenty of time to change your mind, to lose direction and find it again...

I guess the thing is that there really isn't any set rules for life, and how it should go. Even if you don't find yourself where you thought you would be, doesn't mean you haven't achieved anything, or that you can't be happy about where you are. A mentor told me once that every person sets their own standards for happiness/fulfillment, so why not make it easy for yourself?

One quote that I find helps me through the tough days is "everything that happens is perfect". Life has a funny way of turning out the way it should (well I think so anyway)- even though things don't seem to be going well right now, they'll get better.

ksags411

Posted : 10/3/2006 9:00:07 AM

Xebby - you're having a quarter life crisis! Me and most of my friends are either in one or having one at this moment in time. It's totally normal to feel like you feel!

I'm 25 and have been out of college for 3 years. I majored in Communications but still don't know what I want to do. I've had 5 jobs in three years b/c I get into something, then change my mind and quit. I wonder if I'll ever know what I'm going to do with my life. And I can say the same about my friends too.

That being said, you should totally stick with the college thing. You're so close and if you get out now, you'll lose your motivation to stick with it the longer you're out. If I could turn back the clock, I'd totally go to grad school right after graduation. Now that I've been out a few years, there's bills to pay and other responsibilites to take care of, so it's not a feesible option.

Keep your head up. We're young and we have our whole life to be stressed out. My mom gave me a magnet that says "Stop worrying who you should be and focus on who you are." [

] Smile and enjoy the things around you [

] You're going to make it!

faramir denethor

Posted : 10/3/2006 12:12:46 PM

hey, if you can't sleep, cry alot , feel stupid, and feel trapped...you might be heading towards depression, if you're not there already...get some counseling quick.

Terri

Posted : 10/3/2006 1:02:02 PM

I don't have much advice for you, I just want you to know that you're not alone. I'm 26. I graduated with a Communications degree 4 years ago. When I started college, I was a business major. I switched to Political Science, then Spanish, then settled on Communications. Not because I knew what I wanted to do in that field, but because it was the only program where I could still graduate on time.

So here I am 4 years later. I've had several jobs and I guess they're communication related, because that could apply to most any job out there. I'm married and due to my husband's job, we've moved across the country a couple of times. I'm not necessarily happy in my current job, but I've got the excuse that there's not much I can do about it until DH gets out of the military.

I have no idea what to do with my life though. I spent a lot of money getting a travel agent certification a couple of years ago, but I don't think that's what I want to do long term. I'm scared of spending more money to get qualified for something else and then bailing on that too.

Anyway, my only advice is definitely do not drop out of college. If you've come this far, just finish it up and get that degree. No matter what you end up doing in the future, having a degree in something no matter what the field will help you out.

Xebby

Posted : 10/3/2006 1:20:28 PM

ORIGINAL: faramir

hey, if you can't sleep, cry alot , feel stupid, and feel trapped...you might be heading towards depression, if you're not there already...get some counseling quick.

I have seen a counseler before for sever depression. I don't want to go into to much detail over what it was for but at one point I could not even get out of bed in the moring, I could not go to class, I could not function normaly in the world. I had night tremmors and was scard for my life. I failed classes that I would have never failed before, I just had a hard time living. The counseling helped greatly and I pulled myself out of that place and finlay was able to get on with my life. I was 19 then, now I still feel the left over feeling catch up to me which is why I have a hard time sleeping most nights. The thoughts still haunt me and some days are worse than others. I have my ways of dealing and if I feel like I need counsling I would gladly go back.

I mostly just wrote this because I needed to get some baggage off my chest and I do feel better now that I did. Thanks all who responded, you didn't have to but I'm glad you did.[

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audkal

Posted : 10/3/2006 1:30:28 PM

College is not a race, everyone has their own dreams and should be able to fulfill them in the timeframe they want to.

My oldest brother is a little over 25 and he still isn't really sure of what he's going to do.

My mom didn't know what she wanted to do until 2001 when she went back to college to be a nurse, at age 45!

I'm 1 of 4 kids and we are all still unsure of what we will pursue as far as careers. We are all going to college now. I actually think it's pretty rare for a person to know exactly what they want to do right out of High School, or even 10 years from then.

luv_my_3_labs

Posted : 10/3/2006 7:01:25 PM

Have you seen the commercials about what people want to do when they retire? Buy their own business and such. Holy crap!!! Now I have to think about that? I keep telling my kids "I'm 46 and still don't know what I want to do." Just hang in there. Everybody has worries and you are most likly really stuck in the worry mode. Try like heck to get a good nights sleep. Then you can think things threw more clearly. Good luck and good vibes coming your way...

bluelighting

Posted : 10/3/2006 8:32:40 PM

I understand what you mean about not knowing what to do with your life. I'm 20 and I get paid 6.35 an hour which isn't really a living. Now I'm trying to find a job and there is pretty nothing around me that is hiring right now. I want to be able to move out yet with my pay and the hours I get in. There is no way I could live on my own it's just not enough pay to live off of.

I don't know what kind of job I want and I just feel lost with no clear path. It does seem that people around me at my age seem to be on the right path. I'm just stuck here trying to find my path to my spot in life yet having no luck. Yup I do lay in bed at nights wondering what am I'm going to do and sometimes I do cry. It's just a frustrating part of life that I do believe everybody goes through in their life.

Your not alone and it sucks being in this part of life.

ron2

Posted : 10/3/2006 9:24:12 PM

What do you like to do? What gets you out of bed in the morning and anxious to get going (besides i-dog)?

Case in point. There was an engineer that had a nice job, office, steady check + bene's. He liked to cook on the weekends for his friends. He would hand-make hamburgers and fries. Eventually, he gave up the engineering and opened a hamburger restaraunt in Snider Plaza across from SMU in Dallas and then later, another one near Skillman and Abrams. And he is the Jack of Jack's famous fries, one of the delights on the menu. He gave an office job to ask people if they "wanted fries with that" because he wanted to.

Success, personal and financial, is not always found on traditional paths. And you do have the smarts to make your path. You just have to find which way that is.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 10/3/2006 11:41:36 PM

Audrey is right. College is NOT a race. There's no law that says you have to go right after high school and pop out with that degree in your hand 4 years later. DH, for example, put twenty years in the Navy before he decided that he wanted to go to law school. He had to go to adult high school to take CA civics, then on to San Diego Jr. College, San Diego State, and then UCD Law School. It took him 7 years and he was 45 when he got his law degree. I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up. []

Joyce

audkal

Posted : 10/4/2006 4:53:28 PM

Good for your DH Joyce! [

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When my mom went back to college she said there were a lot more people her age than you would've thought.