Dog Community

An awkward situation - thanks to Facebook (tacran)

Posted : 4/19/2013 11:39:13 PM

Most of you know I don't use Facebook. Various reasons -- some silly, some more profound. :-)

An old friend of mine is on it constantly. She begged me to join so we can keep in touch (we've lived on opposite sides of the country for 20+ years), but I've told her I prefer to maintain contact with old friends via email or phone calls. Consequently, I don't hear from her a lot, but we exchange holiday and birthday cards and the occasional email.

The other day she emailed saying she "found" an old classmate on FB if I wanted her contact info. This classmate was a close friend for 2 years in high school, then she moved out of state. We were long-distance friends for a while (before email!), but I soon realized it was entirely one sided. She only called when she had boyfriend problems (she had many), she monopolized all the conversations, never asked me about my life, my family, etc. This went on for 10 years. After we moved a couple times, she lost track of me, and I was relieved.

I have no interest in connecting with her. I doubt she has changed (e.g., she told my friend she couldn't remember my married name. Really? I know hers!) I let a couple days go by without replying to friend #1's email. Yesterday I got an email from friend #2 saying friend #1 gave her my email address. Needless to say, I was annoyed.

I didn't want to blast friend #1 for sharing my address without permission, so I just told her I goofed by not replying right away, but I didn't want to connect with friend #2. Hopefully she got the hint not to share it again.

My plan is to just ignore the email from friend #2. I see no reason to write her -- I know it sounds mean. I have dear, beloved friends who live far away who I really struggle to find time to call or email now. Why add someone to the list who I don't have any affection for? But I really don't want to tell her that!

I guess I'm just venting here -- unless anyone has any insight about the protocols for such things. Is it beyond rude to just ignore her email? I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing.

Darn Facebook and the obsession some people have with it!!

lakalakadaka16

Posted : 4/20/2013 1:40:59 AM

I have a facebook, and yes, some people do get too overly obsessed with it.. I don't think it's rude for you to ignore her email, perhaps read it, and if you don't want to respond, then don't. Perhaps it may be something more than boy problems or something like that...

JackieG

Posted : 4/20/2013 6:47:02 AM

Just ignore both of them or just friend #2 if you truly want to keep in touch with friend #1. I've found that letting people into my life that I prefer to keep out is a waste of time and I've gotten old enough to value my time and my true friends. :)

Freedom

Posted : 4/20/2013 6:51:27 AM

I do think you should be clear with the friend NOT to share yours (or anyone else's!) email without permission! Maybe wait a week, or a month, but do be clear on this point with her.

Other than that, yes, FB has its good and bad sides, like most things. (Except chocolate!)

griffinej5

Posted : 4/20/2013 7:04:02 AM

I have a facebook, and I am connected to people I went to school with, who live right near me still, and I don't actually see them. So, that's how great that is.

I think it was rude of friend #1 to share your contact info without your permission. Sometimes I think maybe I come from a different time from other people my age, because issues of etiquette for me are just a non-issue for them. The way I was raised, unless your info is available easily to the public, if I have someone's info, and you want it, I am first obligated to clear it with the person who's information I am giving out. I believe the friend #1 was obligated to ask you if it was okay to give your info to friend #2 before she did that. There are very few exceptions for me as to when I can give out someone's info. Two of my friends are sharing a room next weekend. If they forgot to exchange numbers, it would be okay for me to give one the other's number. If you're willing to share a room, you're probably willing to be contacted by that person.

Since your info has already been shared, I think it's okay for you not to respond to friend #2. For all we know, friend #1 was pushy about giving out your info, and friend #2 thought you were eager to get in touch. If she writes again, at that point I would probably reply. You could always tell her that you don't open emails from addresses you don't recognize. I'd also let friend #1 know that you'd appreciate her asking before giving out your contact info.

Jewlieee

Posted : 4/20/2013 7:51:20 AM

I would ignore both. That is the great thing about email :) fb is kind of the same way. You can accept or ignore friend invites and even if you accept you can put people in restricted lists so they don't get to actually see anything or you can also put them on ignore. Fb has a lot of pluses that outweigh the negatives for me.

P. S lol @ the chocolate comment

the_gopher

Posted : 4/20/2013 10:22:59 AM

Personally, I would state clearly not to share my contact information without permission (guess I thought that was a given). Also, I see nothing wrong with ignoring the email.

I do have FB, but my page is locked down and there are various filters I have in place, so certain people can only see such and such (and I don't "follow" many people in my feed). I got FB because that's how my school reunion was coordinated - and it has been nice to reconnect with some old friends and stay in touch with some family members.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 4/20/2013 2:19:38 PM

Freedom

Other than that, yes, FB has its good and bad sides, like most things. (Except chocolate!)

Surely you're not suggesting that chocolate only has a bad side??

Tracy, I'd just take the advice to ignore it/her. If she ever says anything, just blame it on the computer. Tell her it's old and wonky and loses a lot of stuff. Mine actually is that way.

Joyce

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 4/20/2013 2:19:46 PM

Freedom

Other than that, yes, FB has its good and bad sides, like most things. (Except chocolate!)

Surely you're not suggesting that chocolate only has a bad side??

Tracy, I'd just take the advice to ignore it/her. If she ever says anything, just blame it on the computer. Tell her it's old and wonky and loses a lot of stuff. Mine actually is that way.

Joyce

tacran

Posted : 4/20/2013 5:17:04 PM

JackieG
I've found that letting people into my life that I prefer to keep out is a waste of time and I've gotten old enough to value my time and my true friends.

This is how I feel too, Jackie (one benefit of being beyond middle-aged!) Friend #1 seems to get something out of amassing dozens of "friends" through FB, despite it being nothing but superficial interactions.

griffinej5
You could always tell her that you don't open emails from addresses you don't recognize.

Jen, that's a good idea, or I could say my email filters sent it to junk mail or blame my old laptop, like you said, Joyce.

Jen, you make a great point about the etiquette thing. I often think that all the social media stuff, texting, instant messaging, cell phones, etc. cause a lot of people to completely forget some basic manners -- whether it be to assume people are available 24/7, that everyone wants to know or share every tiny detail of their lives, blurring (or totally ignoring) privacy boundaries, etc.

Thanks for the validation, everyone. I am going to ignore the email from friend #2. I guess I'll let friend #1 know, and that way I can give her another gentle reminder to check with me first before sharing my contact info. Maybe she gave this other gal my phone number, too. Thank doG for Caller ID!

calliecritturs

Posted : 4/21/2013 12:47:32 AM

Tracy -- another way to handle it (similar but maybe more 'Honest';) is to say "Gee, I just hadn't gotten to answeirng yet". if you get called on "why didn't you answer".

But just ignoring is perfectly acceptable.

To be honest I would be extremely clear with Friend #1 "Please don't ever share my email with anyone. I'm very over-cautiou but I felt like you put me into a difficult situation with Mary X ... she's not a good friend of mine, and in fact it's a relationship I'd really rather not pursue".

In other words -- be clear, and don't sugar coat it. And unfortunatley if that means Friend #1 gets her knickers in a twist ... oh well "too bad so sad!"

What Jackie and everyone said is gold. Your time and your emotional balance are valuable -- and wasting time on someone who is going to create a problem?? You're not obligated to make yourself miserably in the guise of 'being polite".

A friend of mine recently recently got into a real bind simillarly -- she'd kept contact with a friend on and off for many years. The HS friend was pretty "needy" and my friend tried to be helpful (and went way further than she needed to or should have). She KNEW this woman had a drinking problem ...

Let's just say the woman showed up for a high school reunion, got ticked because my friend didn't entertain her the way she wanted ... and suddenly my friend got all kinds of email "threats" and some pretty insane stuff was said. The woman was just plain bad news -- and now my friend had to cancel a long-standing email account and take some pretty severe steps to protect herself.

Crap happens -- if you don't protect yourself no one else will and DON"T bother to feel bad about it.