Finally Friday chat

Wow, just wow.  Sister#2 and I just had a talk.  She wanted to talk about "relationships."  That's how she prefaced it in an email.

Turns out that the bottom line is she wants to have visibility to Mom's bank accounts, now that the house sale proceeds have been deposited.    WTH!!  I've been taking care of my Mom for years (not her, not Sis#1).  Me.  I've been managing her finances for 4 years now.  And, all of a sudden, now that there is a mildly substantial deposit, she wants (as pressured by her husband and colleages) to have access to the accounts.

I am utterly offended by this.  My first thought is "Cook You," both of you.  I've been managing just fine for years, without your input.

After having thought about it...fine...maybe I should give her visibility.  I have nothing to hide.  Mom's money is for Mom.

But, Wow...remove the dagger from my heart, that this is even brought up.  Bottom line is trust.

I need the 2x4 and a seat at the Tiki bar.

Barb - I would be hugely offended and hurt by this too. My brother managed all my dad's finances and not only did I trust him completely, I thanked him often for doing what he did. I know that some might say it's just good practice to have everything transparent, and I know you wouldn't argue about that, but I understand how you must be feeling. (((Hugs)))

Cathy, good thoughts to you and Buffy...

((((Cathy))))

Barb, I have been on the asking side, just for my peace of mind.  It's been 25 years since my father died and my brother still refuses to tell me the truth, except that everything was left to him and when the old man was alive and suffering with cancer, my brother had control of the money.  All I wanted was the truth; all I got was a kick in the rear, not to mention a permanent distrust of my brother.  I've let go of a lot of the resentment, but have no relationship with my brother.

Food for thought...

I hear you Tina...good food for thought.  I'm leaning towards giving her access to the account online (with my credentials) so she has visibility.

In other Fabulous news!   WE GOT THE VA APPROVAL IN TODAY'S MAIL!  This means they (Mom/Dad) wil finally be getting financial assistance for the living/medical costs, retroactive to Jan 1 2011!

Wow, what an emotional day in the Henslee household!

Barb -- are families really necessary?? sheesh.  You should tell her something like "Oh GREAT -- I'm glad you want to be involved in Mom's caretaking?  I'll be glad ti give you visiblity to her stuff -- can I give you a copy when you come over to pick up some of her laundry to help with??  Oh and when will you visit her this weekend?  Shall we have a party at your house and I can bring her or we can all take her out dutch treat??  And she'd really like to go shopping for snacks and sundries next week -- can you take her Thursday or would Friday be better?  I don't usually reimburse myself for things like that but if you feel she's spent a significant amount I guess we can cut you a check."

You can make your point in cement I'd think since you've done all the work!

Florida is officially getting rain now.  It has cooled things off a tiny bit but mosquitos have definitely invaded.  I stepped up the Interceptor to every 30 days rather than 45 since they're so thick.  Dare open the door and they come in almost like a swarm.

(((((Cathy))))) 

Barb, I'd be pretty upset in your shoes regarding your sister.  From what you've told us about both of your sister's lack of involvement with your mom, it is like a slap in the face after all you've done all these years.   I see Tina's point too because we were in that situation with my FIL after he had a stroke.  I tell people that nothing brings out the true nature of people like money.  

I went and got my hair cut, finally.  It's super short and I'm loving it.  I tried to grow it out but couldn't stand it one more day. 

Twister is at work with me today.  He hasn't been here in quite a while and is loving taking back his role as head dog of the office. lol  All the guys were happy to see him and he passed out kisses and butt wiggles to everyone this morning. :)

OK, back to work so I don't have too big a mess when I get back Tuesday morning.

JackieG

I tell people that nothing brings out the true nature of people like money.

So true.  And, in this case...we're not talking about a lot of money.  Good grief.  So, this particular sister has a doctoral degree; and her husband has a masters in something, not sure what.  Me...I have 1 years worth of college.  My husband, who in my opinion is smarter than all of our family combined has no college degree.  I feel like (and maybe I'm wrong) they look down on us because of our lack of education.  On top of that I'm the youngest sibling.  So, they look upon me as "the kid."  Sister #2 has called me "the Golden Child" for everything I've done over the years for Mom....so read into that: I'm still a kid.  A 51 year old kid who has done pretty good for herself considering the lack of education.   LOL

Callie...you are so right on.  This is exactly how my husband is taking all this.  He said:  You should just hand over the whole job to her.  Have her handle everything, from finance management, grocery store, clothing, doctor/dental visits, frequent phone calls.  Grrr.

Of course, he's just mad.  We would never ever think of doing that.  But, it does tick us off that now, all of a sudden she wants some control.  You guys do remember how we asked for help from both sisters and got nada.

Families.  Hmph.   

CoBuHe

This is exactly how my husband is taking all this.  He said:  You should just hand over the whole job to her.  Have her handle everything, from finance management, grocery store, clothing, doctor/dental visits, frequent phone calls.  Grrr.

I had to laugh at this a little because when FIL had his stroke and eventually had to go to a nursing home, the family decided that the oldest child (BIL) would be in charge of the finances.  He's well educated and runs his own business.  After my FIL died, it was discovered that he had done nothing more than the bare minimum to manage a pretty large chunk of money.  The financial mess that followed took years to straighten out.   My FIL would have been furious to know that all his hard work and investments were handled so poorly.  We found checks that had never been cashed and some were so old the banks wouldn't honor them.  It was too much for BIL but he never said a word to anyone, just kept tossing everythng in a box and ignoring it.  He wasn't stealing anything just doing nothing.   Family....

((((Cathy))))

Barb, I don't question Sis one bit about Mom's finances.  However, if my other sister were handling things, oh yeah, I'd be screaming for an accounting.  And she has tons of money.  Sis, not so much.

I fully understand your being hurt and angry over this, and, I agree with Callie.....let her WORK for the free look.  Witch.  Her....not you!

CoBuHe

Callie...you are so right on.  This is exactly how my husband is taking all this.  He said:  You should just hand over the whole job to her.  Have her handle everything, from finance management, grocery store, clothing, doctor/dental visits, frequent phone calls.  Grrr.

Well -- on one hand if you WANT to hand it to her you can.  But a little wide-eyed innocence can make them back off really quickl  Acting like "OH WOW -- you want to **HELP**???" (i.e., if you want to SEE these then obviously you must want to help and boy I can sure use it!!)

Typically that will back them off REAL quick.

But honestly?  If you hand them this stuff then I would tell them in no uncertain terms that as long as there was no money they were more than content to let "the Kid" handle it all and do it all and no questions asked as long as you were the labor force.  But now that the house is sold what's different??  Not a thing is going to change because that money will need to be managed uber carefully or she'll have more life than money (sorry -- I mean no disrespect here but it's a HUGE problem in this day and age) and the money from the sale of a house is a mere drop in the bucket when compared to what is being spent for her care every month.

So I'd tell them (probably in writing if I know me) in no uncertain terms that if they want input in managing this then they will be expected to help on all fronts.  Then tell them FLATLY that this feels like an arrow thru the heart and they've destroyed a lot of your willingness to be unlimited help.  Trust is a two way street.

Sorry -- I've seen this stuff tear things apart and you don't want Mom to suffer.  But neither should you!!

Jewilee -- I decided a few days ago I'd better re-read the Deathly Hallows before the last movie part comes out July 15.  I'm astonished at what all my brain skipped the first time LOL

Cita

give her visibility - that's legitimate - but don't give her access to the accounts.

This ^^ exactly. Money, even in small amounts, just seems to bring out the absolute worst in people. My gut feeling is that if someone all of a sudden wants visibility, they also want to find a way to get their finger in the pie.

Cathy, I'll keep you and Buffy in my thoughts.  There's nothing sadder than watching an old dog start to go downhill when it seems like just yesterday you were training a puppy.

Mindy, I'm thinking we don't have too much to fear from Michelle Bachman.  I think too many people associate her with the usual Tea Party nut jobs.

Ahem... my neighbor also thinks hitting Costco tomorrow would be great fun, so I'm picking her up at 11:45 ish and we're going to aim for being there around noon. Then, World Market is having a "tasting" tomorrow from 1 to 4 - I guess wines, ales, cheeses, crackers, etc. and a demonstration of kitchen gadgets. And we're expecting another little heat wave - prediction for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday is 101, 102 and 103.  I'll make sure the chocolate wine is properly chilled.

Joyce

I am very sad to report that Bugsy's friend Campbell went to the bridge today. He had a massive cluster of seizures they couldn't stop and made the decision to put him out of his misery. I am beyond sad and feel so sad for his owner, she is one of the kindest people you could ever meet and did more than anyone could expect to give him a decent life. B and I saw him yesterday and the image of their joy to see each other will be my lasting one.

I don't have much time to catch up today. I'd really like to get to bed early and sleep uninterrupted tonight. Sonja and I both have strep throat. AGAIN. We just had it in May, plus the kids had ear infections. This time it's just strep. I have no idea where we could have picked it up.

Plus it's hot as ballsacks today. It was in the 90s and humid as heck. It's still in the mid 80s. Only supposed to get down to 77 tonight. *melts*