Marriage trouble...what to do?

I did not say she separated for no good reason.  I said she is being a coward and I don't like how she is handling the situation.  I have been divorced and know first hand, you make those decisions to better yourself not to make others happy.  I don't think it's his heart wrenching job to do her dirty work.  I think if they've been separted for almost  2 months and she is talking about getting a place by herself.....well that says a lot to me.  His friends tell him to file for a divorce and he asks me what he should do.  I tell him he is the only one that can decide when he's had enough, when he feels he's done all he can.  I know this guy....I know him way better than I know my own sister.  When he decides ok..that's it...that really is it.  He will not give her another chance if not just because of his pride.  I hurt for him, not for her.  Maybe some people think it's wrong.  People think just because you are blood related you have an obligation, I do not agree.   

jode88

Maybe some people think it's wrong.  People think just because you are blood related you have an obligation, I do not agree.   

 

I don't necessarily disagree with that....and maybe your sister doesn't either.  I'm sorry, but if you don't have an obligation to be on your sister's side of this just because she's family, then she didn't have an obligation to tell you about this just because YOU are family. 

I won't argue that she shouldn't get her husband to tell people for her, but if I knew that my sister was closer to my husband than she was to me, I'd leave it up to my husband to tell her anyway. 

I said before, I know she is afraid to tell me because I will take his side.  The rest of the family she is also ignoring.  They are worried about her not knowing that she is separated.  She DOES have an obligation to her son.  As a mother that is HER job.  My BIL has been the one talking to HER son and taking care of him in their home.  She atleast has to return my mom and aunt's phone calls if for nothing else but to say hi, everything is fine.  She doesn't have to tell them anything, she can just act like all is fine if that's what she chooses.  But don't put her DH or myself in a situation where we have to lie for her cuz they are calling us asking where she is and if everything is ok. 

My mom is going to Germany with me in 2 weeks and I don't know what to tell her.  She is gonna keep asking if I've talked to Pattie cuz nobody has heard from her.  Currently, all I say is...oh yeah..I talked to Danny the other day then take the conversation away from Patti and talk about what something with him or my other friends in that town. 

I guess if I were you, I'd just wait it out.  If she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have to talk.  Frankly, it's no one's business but her and her husband's.  If you're still close with him and he's talking or wanting to do things together, that's fine.  If I were her, I'd be really overwhelmed by the whole thing, especially knowing everyone else would be demanding answers.  I guess I'm of the opinion that when it comes to very private things like marriage, no one has any obligations to reveal anything to anyone besides the immediate family (spouses and children).  If a sibling of mine got divorced, sure I'd want to know why, but I would not feel my sister is obligated to tell me if she doesn't want to.  If she doesn't want to be open about it right now, I would try to respect that as her sister.  If her husband is more open about it, that is his right too.  I don't see any purpose in taking sides or assigning one at fault.  Maybe it's just me though....I'm a private person and I can't stand when my family is poking around where they don't belong.

 This sucks, I'm sorry to hear about this situation, I can't help but put myself in your shoes.  And I would tell my mom.  If she's not replying to her, and I know the truth... I'd share it.  It may not be the popular decision, but it needs to be said so that people don't worry.  If my sister didn't like it, then she should have handled it herself.

 It's a bad situation all around, I'd give care to not slant any of the info, just give the facts you know and don't add "and SHE did this... and HE said that.." Nope.  Just "Mom, have you spoken to Sister? No?  Well I know you are probably worried, and I've spoken to BIL.  I think that they are having marital problems and she needs some space right now."  Thereby helping reassure mom and still give Sister the space she needs.

  As far as her thinking you'll pick sides, it sounds like she was right!  You have... which is your prerogative.  But, to point out she's going to handle this however she's going to handle it.  Coming from a larger family, I can say this from experience, there is NOTHING you can say or do that will change how she's going to deal with this, regardless of if it makes sense or not to you.

  Good luck!
 

If I missed this, I'm sorry, but have you tried contacting her? If not, then I'd definitely do that and let her know that the family is worried. I don't think you should place yourself in a position of keeping this a secret, and I'd let her know that. I just think that although you may be rightfully disappointed in her, if you make her feel awful, she may just escape even more and ultimately her son will suffer the most if that happens.

My BFF called me and said she was going to try to call my sister.  They are good friends and have known eachother for 25 years.  My best friend is totally awsome and understanding.  Super easy to talk to.  I guess I am a little bias so it's best that I not try to contact her.  I can dance around my mom's questions while on the phone with her, but I can't do it if she's with me for a week.  I wont volunteer any other info than just what it is.  I'll tell her to call Patti if she feels she needs something more.  How's that

I also have one of those sisters and also a friend who have a fear of aging. They both would wear clothes meant for teens. Maybe your sister has low self esteem. Maybe she was hurt so bad and does not want to ever feel that way so she hurts the one she loves first not giving them a chance hurt her. The way you descibe her work environent might be your best clue as to why she is acting this way. She see's her co-workers all young and single and having fun and not having to answer to anybody but herself. But if she left her son behind dies she know he could charge her with abandonment. Does she live next to any family members? If she does they should offer to take the child while she figures out what she wands to do. I will say a prayer for both of you and also her husband for strength for the long road ahead. Like I always say women are like fine wines aged go perfection!!!!!!!!