Training, but not your dog

rwbeagles

I hear it's still...in this day and age...common for women to marry/be in long term relationships with, men they hope to change...

And I think of how I would feel if my husband was "trying to change" me...  

I don't doubt it works...I just doubt it's NEEDED if you picked your partner out as someone you love "as is". I didn't marry a project man, or one with habits bad enough I think they need rehabb'ing. Again...just me tho.

It's emotionally laden because I love my husband...no way I'd consider dealing with him or being with him, without emotion...his and mine and my children's being a huge part of our decision making and lives together.

Sure, I understand praising things you appreciate - reinforcement...forget operant conditioning, with fellow humans that's just manners, IMHO.  What I have an issue with is intentional plotting to do this.  "The next time DH picks up his socks I will give him a kiss.  The time after that, a backrub.  I won't reward him the time after that just so he learns not to expect rewards.  The time after that, he'll get a hug."  Sorry, it works with dogs and I use it with my dog.  I definitely think it works with humans and we all do it on a subconscious level.  Doing it consciously, to a walking, talking, compos mentis adult for the purposes of improving a romantic relationship really rubs me the wrong way.

Further explaination.   The emotions are part of it... When I was the word "emotionally laden"  I am referring to the statements that is manipulative, demeaning, artificial......  I use the emotional information from the individual as part of the evaluation of is the strategy working.... I see plenty of folks who attempt to get their needs met with emotional statements ("you would if you loved me" comes to mind).  I see labeled praise as very different.    " I really appreciated the help with dinner, (kids, dogs) we have more time together (it made it easier for me, etc).  I dont see that as manipulative, rather as  clear communication.

 BTW I am a rather reactive and emotional person by nature   

mrv

I see labeled praise as very different.    " I really appreciated the help with dinner, (kids, dogs) we have more time together (it made it easier for me, etc).  I dont see that as manipulative, rather as  clear communication.

I absolutely agree with this...again, that's just manners, to me.  I thank my DH for things he's done all the time.  I just don't think a "training schedule" of this type is appropriate for an emotional relationship with another human who can communicate the same way as I can.
 

mrv

I see plenty of folks who attempt to get their needs met with emotional statements ("you would if you loved me" comes to mind). 

Yes, that's manipulative.

mrv

I see labeled praise as very different.    " I really appreciated the help with dinner, (kids, dogs) we have more time together (it made it easier for me, etc).  I dont see that as manipulative, rather as  clear communication.

I totally agree. It's communicating appreciation.

The first one is trying to get the other person to do something (strings attached) It's also not praise. It borders on nagging. The second one is expressing something nice to another person... no strings attached.

Like spiritdogs said, it's in the INTENT. I can say thanks to my husband with the intention of getting him to repeat the behavior (if that's my intent, then the thanks isn't sincere or true) Or I can thank him because I appreciate something. The intent is to LET HIM KNOW that I appreciate him. Just for the sake of appreciation.

Kids are a different matter. We are charged with teaching and training children. Hopefully, it's still clear communication, but for a purpose in addition to showing appreciation. "That's a beautiful drawing" might be said because we think it's pretty, but also to encourage participation, build self-esteem or help them to express themselves more.

FourIsCompany

To me, there's a distinct but important difference in saying "thank you" to someone with the explicit purpose of getting them to repeat a behavior AND saying "thank you" to someone because you appreciate them or what they did and want to show that appreciation. No strings attached.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here, but I can't imagine anyone saying "thank you" for the explicit purpose of getting them to repeat the behavior while not ALSO being truly thankful that they did it. Does that make sense? If DH does something that maybe I've had to nag about before (yes, I must be one of the minority, cause sometimes I nag ) then not only am I thankful but I'm also very aware that heaping tons of praise on him just might make him want to repeat the behavior.