Confused-very personal-very long

Xebby,  I feel for you very much. My situation was different than yours but I can empathize with you strongly.  I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but though you are a victim of abuse doesn't mean you have to remain a victim.  Once I decided  to not allow my abuser the power over me or my feelings things turned around for me.  I think you may need a different counselor to help you and give you other strategies for coping.  I also think as much as you love your family they are toxic to your healing and you may need to eliminate contact with those that do not support you.  Those are just my opinions though as a survivor of abuse. You may not be there yet - but you will!  It's a long road but one day you will reach a place of peace.  Please do not give up hope - there is support out there for you and we do care what happens.  Feel free to PM me if you just want to talk or have someone listen. 

Amanda, your story is very sad and I pray that you will find the peace that you so deserve. I agree that councilling is the best route, but maybe I can give you something to think about.

Your cousin is by my definition evil - without boundaries or conscience. He deserves not ONE MORE MOMENT of your time or energy. He has robbed you of your POWER and you must take it back from him. You cannot allow him to continue to have any influence or control over the rest of your life.

You deserve to have ALL your family. Don't let him rob you of the people you love and those who love you. If you can find the courage, go to the family parties. You don't have to confront him or even acknowlegde him. In fact, don't! He is a nobody, persona non grata, invisible, insignificant - treat him that way! If he approches you - flip him off, ignore him, don't respond, he is not worthy of your attention. Let him be the 'uncomfortable' one. Not you!

Don't worry about the life he is living or the things he has. He knows what he did and although he has a job, nice house, his own family - he still has to live everyday knowing he did something really terrible and now thanks to your courage everyone else knows too. Now he has to live with that.

I don't want sound harsh because I know how much you hate this guy. I've had the same feelings and I know how stronge they are, but you have to stop letting him victimize you. He is still doing it. Take back your power from him. This evil, insignificant, poor excuse for a human being has impacted your life long enough. He is a loser. Show him and the rest of the world that you are THE WINNER!

Xebby-
 
I'm sorry to hear about all this and wish I could come up with something enlightening to say.  Really, I just want you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. 

Xebby, be strong! I recently learnt that a similar thing happened to my mother. It was her cousin, too. Her mother dealt with him, but insisted that she never mention it again. I think time has taken a lot of the hurt away for her. Time and the support of her sisters.

I think rredbird has a lot of good advice there.

I know it's never happened to me so I can't possibly understand what it's like, but I'd urge you to do your best to hold onto your family however you can. They're wrong, but they're your family. You only have one. They might be making it worse for you, but maybe that's because they are so ashamed that they allowed it to happen? They're only human, too. I think it's fair to expect they will never give you the support you need, but that doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life. What better way to show them they were wrong than to rise above it and prevail without them?

I say this because I know the torment my mother went through when her mother died. She never really forgave her mother for pretending it had never happened. I think it's hard to divorce family and not hurt from it at some stage. I think it's more damaging to live without them because of what they did than to live with them and put up with their gross misunderstanding and clumsy dealing.

Xebby - this feels so personal for someone I don't know... so if I say the wrong thing, please know it only comes from not knowing you, but still caring.
 
It seems to me that from the top down, your dad's family has a twisted sense of what's ok/dismissable/forgivable when it comes to this. I think it's not unlikely that your cousin's dad had someone influencing him well before he abused your cousin, too, if you follow me (ie, grandma's hubby? other family member/friend?).  Regardless, it's totally unhealthy and totally unacceptable to attempt to live a life of recovery and strength under such a warped view as they are trying to project onto you. "Get over it" has NO place here, imo.  Family shapes your views on the world, and for those sentiments to come from family can be really debilitating if you don't stop the influence they have over you now.
 
If ever you choose to forgive the person (not the act) is a choice completely up to you, and can in no way be dicated or mandated by those family members who want to sweep things away to make THEMSELVES feel better.  Which is what that's all about- they don't want to make YOU feel better, they want to make themselves feel less uncomfortable.  Maybe for the guilt they feel in not recognizing it?  Or recognizing it as a pattern in the family and not stopping it?  But honestly, honey, I bet you and your mom have the power to stop it in that family if you stand up to it and hold strong.
 
Whomever said to take the power into your own hands to shape this into whatever you want/need to operate is right.  You need to value yourself above anyone else's guilt or shame.  The next time they tell you to get over it, tell THEM to get counseling, because it's their perceptions that are too twisted.  It may be time to find a different way to view your abuser so that you can be empowered instead of feel threatened/sick in his presence.  Those are the tools/skills that a GOOD counselor can help with.  Finding that good counselor is tough, and I understand what you mean about limitations.  But you are more likely to hit upon a worthwhile solution with professional assistance than all of us well-meaning, experienced, but still blindly-advising folks.
 
We care and will keep you in our thoughts for strength and peace.  I can tell in your posts that you have the strength - it's there.  Build on that - if it means avoiding that side of the family while you work on steeling up that strength, so be it.  (I'd be pissed at grandma, too, btw!  But, heck, grandmas of our generation say/do some of the most blatantly hurtful things by accident, it seems.  A generation or two ago we might not have had the tools/skills/resources to recover from those things, but today you do, so use them.)

You have been so brave to bring this awful truth to light and you could potentially have saved others from his abuse because your actions forced him to admit it and at least others have notice.  I accept the fact he was likely a victim, too, and I view that with some sympathy - this is often a cyclical crime, handed down from one generation to the next.
 
BUT.  Your family's desire to have things "smoothed over" should not come at the expense of your emotional well being.  Their was nothing for him to "forgive" you for and you do not have to ever forgive him and most certainly not the act.
 
I will encourage you, as others have, to continue with counseling and seek out a specialist in the area.  What makes me saddest here, is the power he still has over you to make you feel so sad, so small and so insecure. Families are not automatically, just because of blood, genetics, or any familial relationship, your best support structure. It's nice if they can be, but it is not guaranteed by a long shot. Look to where you know you have support and control or regulat your contact with those who do not offer that.  Be frank.  Say, I just need you to support me and understand being around cousin X is no good for me.  Well, at least I know that is what dear friends in similar situations have had to do to get strong.
 
Know you have my understanding, compassion and sympathy and I share your anger at your transgressor! 

I am so so sorry... I wish I could hold you right now and tell you everything will be ok.  With more help I would think you can get through this as to not ruin your life or lose out on anymore of it.  You were the victim and should not be the one being punished...
I am not a therapist but in order to heal I do know you need to come to terms with this.  I may not have any answers for you but I have a big heart and a comforting hug...

Thanks everyone! 
 
I have so much to say but I#%92m sorting through everything right now and with the already high stress of school starting this week I have been swamped with stuff to do and I need to find a job on top of all that.  I guess with so much going on and then this piled on top of it all, I just felt like I was falling apart.  I#%92m thinking about going back on anti-depressants just to keep my chemicals in my body balanced.  That means going to a Dr., I#%92ve never been enthralled about any Dr. I#%92ve seen but if I must…  For the moment I feel somewhat stable but by the end of the day the slightest thought of what#%92s going on can set me back into a state of fear and anxiety.
 
A few things I am proud about that I was able to overcome in the last few years is that I no longer physically harm my body.  From the time I was developing my “woman” body I hated myself for just being a woman, I would inflict pain to myself in places only a swimsuit would cover because of how much I disliked my body.  It got worse into my teen years, I could not control myself and my body for what had happened to me.  When I meet my boyfriend I could not hide it any longer.  I knew I wanted to have a real relationship with him so I had to be honest.  After I had told him everything, he pulled me out of it and helped me understand that what had happened was not my fault.  He got me started in counseling, first with the college therapist and later I switched over to a specialist.  I often still feel like hurting myself but I#%92ve learned to control my thoughts.  I am still very weak and vulnerable to falling back into depression and just a few days ago I did, thanks all for listening and your kind thoughts.

There's nothing that says that you have to put up with toxic family. My mom had a phrase she got from a motorcycle club. I would hear from time to time growing up. God Forgives, the Brotherhood doesn't. That is, if you are stronger by not forgiving him, then don't. This is about what you need, not what he needs, or what the grandparents need. Let them deal with their needs. You take care of yourself.
 

Xebby, I'm sorry this happened to you... I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I just wanted to say that it's great that you have a good boyfriend and your parents support you, so you have someone to lean on.  I don't have any other advice, but just wanted to say you are in my thoughts.

ORIGINAL: pofi_pasquale

You have been so brave to bring this awful truth to light and you could potentially have saved others from his abuse because your actions forced him to admit it and at least others have notice.  I accept the fact he was likely a victim, too, and I view that with some sympathy - this is often a cyclical crime, handed down from one generation to the next.
 
BUT.  Your family's desire to have things "smoothed over" should not come at the expense of your emotional well being.  Their was nothing for him to "forgive" you for and you do not have to ever forgive him and most certainly not the act.
 
I will encourage you, as others have, to continue with counseling and seek out a specialist in the area.  What makes me saddest here, is the power he still has over you to make you feel so sad, so small and so insecure. Families are not automatically, just because of blood, genetics, or any familial relationship, your best support structure. It's nice if they can be, but it is not guaranteed by a long shot. Look to where you know you have support and control or regulat your contact with those who do not offer that.  Be frank.  Say, I just need you to support me and understand being around cousin X is no good for me.  Well, at least I know that is what dear friends in similar situations have had to do to get strong.
 
Know you have my understanding, compassion and sympathy and I share your anger at your transgressor! 

Xebby, I just want to echo pofi's very well thought out comments.  You were the victim, but as was pointed out, this is often a cyclical crime, and hopefully, the cycle has been broken in your family.  I think your abuser was probably a victim at one time, of some kind of abuse, and has a perpetrator in his life, too.  So, toxicity may not be uncommon as a family legacy here, which is why I think it's important to understand that you certainly can hold people accountable for their actions, even though you understand the reasons why they might have ended up doing what they did.