Help me!! Kidstuff.(kle1986)

griffinej5

it might help not to let the mess get out of control, and have her pick up every day, or just pick up one thing every now and again throughout the day. IE, "can, you pick up that thing and put it over there." Don't let it get unmanageable for her. Picking up one thing is probably perfectly manageable, but picking up 30 things is maybe overwhelming (as I look around the room at the things that need to be cleaned up). 

I totally agree with this.  In my house, Cody (8 years old) has to clean up his messes each time he creates one.  If I have to sit there and watch him I willl.  Usually,  I will help him each night - he's not a big messer and doen't have a lot of toys any more but everything has to be put back in there places and in their boxes.  Cody has ADHD so orginization is a must for him and he actually likes things organized because of it.  Our schedule each day after school is the same.  1) snack, 2)homework 3) free time 4) dinner 5) shower 6) pick up messes 7) free time 8)study and bed.  His messes are small and easy to manage if done everyday.  Keeping bins or toy boxes where things can be thrown in easy and hiden are helpful.  If the mess is to big I will "help" and supervise so he dosen't seem so overwhelmed.  I might do the picking up of the clothes while he puts things in the closet. Or.. I might put the game back together while he picks up the floor.  He does much better when I am involved but I make sure he does his share.

Punishment is not something I do unless his refusal is at a point that it is deserved.  But when it is, he is in his room until it is done and he DOES NOT COME OUT, no TV, No playing, No drums nothing until it is done.  And if he has friends over, no one goes home until they ALL clean up the bedroom, playroom or lawn of bikes, skateboard etc - everything has a home and it must be put back.  All the mothers know this and 15 minutes before they are schedule to be picked up I make them go clean up if they are not done I tell the parents "they are just finishing clean up" usually the mom's help get their kids motavated so they can go home.   On the weekend, Cody makes his bed each day and vacuums his room on Saturdays and he earns an allowance of $5 for his weekly up keep and Saturday chores - he loves money so it works well.

I didn't realize she was so young yet.  I honestly wouldn't expect a child to want to clean their room at this age- so, what I would do is   "Would you rather clean your room or have Mommy help?"    Probably she'll says Mommy help, and you can help her.  If she starts slacking say "Uh oh! I'll help you as long as you are working as hard as Mommy!" Say it in a sing-song voice, not anger (although it is tempting, isn't it!)

By the time they're 8 (according to book Parenting with Love and Logic) then they can be expected to either clean the room themselves.

HTH.

shamrockmommy

By the time they're 8 (according to book Parenting with Love and Logic) then they can be expected to either clean the room themselves

I don't like assigning numbers to things a child should be expected to do. Really...I don't. A child that is 4-6 might be capable...and some that are 10-12 are not, there is way way WAY too much, to put a number on it.

You need to go by your own knowledge of your own kids and what's motivating their actions (frustration? anger? sheer deliberate rebellion? tiredness? stress? hunger?) really so many things factor in.

It's not about age, but about the individual. Everything from the 1st step to the 1st date, IMO.

Teacher tested disciplines are great and much can be learned...but I don't run my home like a classroom because it is a home, there are not rules for every minute of every day because sometimes you just want to relax and veg out at home and not have something that needs to be done by a certain time. Completely agreed about a little each day stemming off the huge mess...Montessori teaches that and it is a good rule, imo.

 I don't expect most people want to clean up their rooms, or other things, unless perhaps they've lost something in the mess. I know I don't want to do clean my room, and I do have things lost in the mess hole. If I didn't let it get to such an epically messy state, it wouldn't be overwhelming. I know full well that this is my own creation. In the case of a four year old, she can't see how failure to clean up today leads to a giant mess pile on Saturday.

rwbeagles

Completely agreed about a little each day stemming off the huge mess...Montessori teaches that and it is a good rule, imo.

 Funny you said this, because all the suggestions about spaces for things and cleaning and putting away toys before a new game or toy is taken out is a very Montessori thing.  (My niece and nephews all attend Montessori school through 8th grade, and my sister even teaches there now, so I've learned some things vicariously through them.)  Teaching the behavior before having the expectation of compliance is important  - for dogs and children alike, although the fun part is reasoning with a 4 1/2 year old versus a dog.  There are a lot of Montessori principles I think are especially useful for building core behaviors for an individual in a family and group setting -skills that can go a long way in life. 

Since she's 4 and a half, maybe it's time to swap all the new toys with new books?  Getting her ready for school?  A sense of accomplishment is a good motivator, so maybe cleaning a bit is rewarded with reading as opposed to toys?

My daughter is a Montessori teacher and my son went to Montessori until first grade and I am sure that helps him when he is expected to do things. Montessori is all about structure.

At 4 years old they need help and to keep up with it - they are to young to be expected to keep to task when the room is a mess.  Mom singing a song while cleaning up with her is always fun!  Good luck poster, you have received much great advise.

sharismom

  When son and I were alone (dad out at sea or after the divorce), I did not have 1/2 the difficulty as I did with two of us because his dad never wanted to be the bad guy.

That's how it is here. JJ hates being a the bad guy. I dont see how he has the position he has at work because he's the same way at work(I work with him 2 days a week).

I refuse to go out with the 2 of them. She is horrible when he's out with us and he just shrugs it off saying "she's just being a kid." 

He says Im too harsh and I say he's too soft. We are definitely not on the same page when it comes to parenting and since Im the one that is the main one with her all the time I think he should do things my way.

So last night I asked her to clean up her room and she did. He was at work. I never even offered her any reward. She just went in there and did it.

kle1986

I refuse to go out with the 2 of them. She is horrible when he's out with us and he just shrugs it off saying "she's just being a kid." 

He says Im too harsh and I say he's too soft. We are definitely not on the same page when it comes to parenting and since Im the one that is the main one with her all the time I think he should do things my way.

 

Kimberly, since I have BTDT, I can honestly say that this will cause problems forever.  Men parent differently than women, but it doesn't make them wrong.  The two of you, JJ & you, must work out your parenting differences in private and present a united front.  I did not divorce my son's dad because of his parenting skills, there were many other reasons, but had his dad been more willing to try and not blame it on "being a crappy father", we'd have gotten a lot further.  My son's dad had other children whom he parented the same way and it caused problems between us (I was the wicked stepmother).  There was never compromise.  What he said to me in private, he did not defend or support me to his children, so I  always felt like I was paddling upstream.  It upset me and I would escalate the situation.  It wasn't healthy for any of us.

Kids don't come with instruction books, but if they did, the first section should involve parental unity - not treating the other parent like a child or trying to win (as in who is right?).  In the end, the child wants boundaries and the ability to trust and depend on both parents equally.

agreed Tina. I am a hard ayouknowwhat. My husband...is not. BUT he does admit and know that his children NEED rules because he was also raised with rules, not cavalierness...not military school but he had expectations based upon himself. We have found a middle ground.

I come on too strong with discipline at times, I get genuinely angry when I should just be a bit ticked off...lol. He helps balance that out. He rolls over when he should stand up...I help with that.

The unity this is like you say...CRUCIAL...so that should become a priority...IMO.

 Will has to pick up his toys as part of his bedtime routine.  He has a choice: he can pick up his toys before he gets ready for bed or he can just go get ready for bed.  IME kids will do ANYTHING to stall at bedtime, and I use that to my advantage!  

I agree that once a week is not often enough... a LITTLE bit every day is easier, and more habit forming.  Also, how often do you play WITH her and what do you do afterwards?  Will likes me to sit and colour with him, and BITH of us put the paper and pens away after.... and he likes to do baking, but he has to help put things away when the cakes are in the oven.  Part of it is he SEES me doing it.... I'm setting an example.... and part of it is, it's so much EASIER to do tiresome chores when you don't have to do them on your own!