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Prayers for Owen's surgery today please

Posted : 8/11/2011 10:15:57 AM

I cried this morning when I read Susie's journal entry. David wrote one last night that was equally emotional. Owen will be heading in for major surgery in just an hour or so. Please pray that all goes well for this sweet boy and also pray for Susie and David to have peace with this decision -

Thursday, August 11, 2011 8:15 AM, EDT

I have told many people that this site is so cathartic for me. I can have a horrible day but then sitting down to write an update makes me find the positive parts of the day. And I need the positives to get through. I could wallow in self pity. I could tell stories of how Owen cries "Mommy! No!" every time the respiratory therapist walks in the door. I could look at my girls who used to be graceful ballerinas and now have wheelchairs and limps and lose faith. I could walk around crying all day. I could. But who would that help? Not Owen who is already scared. Not the girls who need role models right now. Not my sisters who take care of the girls and look to me to set the tone. And certainly not my husband who depends on my strength as much as I depend on his. So I will focus on the positive as much as possible. Please don't misunderstand, I cry. I get weak. I show my kids emotions are normal. But I just can't live my life in tears. I choose to smile as much as possible. Another life lesson from my mom- "grin and bear it!"

Today's surgery, however, has come with a heavy heart. It is so hard for me to agree to this surgery due to my faith. It feels like I am saying "Thanks for nothing God. Guess I'll just hand my boy over to these doctors." This decision has kept me up at night, made me bite all my nails off, and chew on my lip until it is bleeding. I honestly feel like I am turning my back on my faith by allowing Owen to go through with this very serious, very invasive, very permanent surgery. Now, I'm not crazy. I wasn't saying to the doctors and nurses "move along to the next kid, God is going to handle my son. He doesn't need your meds and tests and care! A miracle will fix everything." But at the same time, we haven't done anything that can't be reversed. So I think about the permanence of this surgery and it makes me think "what if?" What if God gives Owen that miracle and he isn't paralyzed anymore? We will have taken away all of his range of motion in his neck and put him through all the pain for nothing!
It is at this point in my internal dialogue that I have to find a positive. I tell myself that if Owen gets up and walks out of the room and waves goodbye one day then who cares about neck movement!

I stayed up most of the night asking questions that can only be answered by God, knowing that I may not get the answers. Is this surgery part of Your plan for Owen? Is he going to come through the surgery safely? Did you give the surgeons rest? Is this surgery the right thing to do?

Until last night my focus can only stretch 24-48 hours ahead. Meaning I have taken it all day by day. With the surgery I have been focused on Owen's pain. He can feel part of his neck and now we are going to hurt him there. But now I am thinking longer term. This will protect him from further damage. This will get the halo off eventually. This surgery is THE RIGHT THING TO DO... right?

Today I woke up with the same peace and calmness I felt the morning of Hannah's funeral. Like The Footprints in the Sand, I am being carried. God is in control today. I am not taking anything out of His hands by agreeing to this surgery. God will be there also. He will watch over Owen. He gave these doctors the intelligence and strength to do this surgery. He will guide these surgeons hands. He will ease Owen's pain. And today, as with all of these surgeries, standing right next to God will be Hannah. She will hold her brothers hand and give him comfort just as she always has. My baby boy will have his sister, his angel. And he will be ok.

Please pray.

iluvjamison

Posted : 8/11/2011 10:24:33 AM

I am just totally blown away by this woman . . . . such courage, such faith, such humility and strength.

Extra special good vibes going out to Owen.

Deb W.

glenmar

Posted : 8/11/2011 10:38:54 AM

Wow. And I thot I was a rock for my family. This lady makes me look like a marshmellow!

Prayers, extra good thots for Owen and family, and lots of love heading their way.

shadowsgin

Posted : 8/11/2011 11:07:16 AM

Prayers for Owen's surgeons...prayers for this courageous family. Lit a candle yesterday and didnt know of this surgery, just felt the need, the Lord in working in this families life in many different ways.

calliecritturs

Posted : 8/11/2011 11:53:43 AM

Many, Many years ago I read a book titled "Your God Is Too Small" -- and this makes me think of that. She knows when to accept the peace because sometimes we just have to move to the next logical step. Because what *we* think we're praying for may not be His plan.

If God doesn't want this surgery TO happen (after all her prayers and everyone else's) -- the surgeon will be called away or 9,999 other small details can happen that can change things from an administrative end. So having the faith she has to trust God with that next step is massive.

I look at the effect this woman has even on THIS small contained group and I think "Lady -- God is using all of this -- even your strength to lift others up". That can be small consolation -- but it can also be the fuel that keeps her going!

I will keep praying ... especially today ... and especially for that peace.

kpwlee

Posted : 8/11/2011 12:38:33 PM

An amazing woman

My prayers are certainly flowing for Owen and his family

JackieG

Posted : 8/11/2011 1:01:54 PM

My thoughts and prayers are going out to Owen and his family.

janobonano

Posted : 8/11/2011 1:45:41 PM

I will be praying for Owen and his family. His mother is so amazingly strong... what an inspiration.

auburn2932

Posted : 8/11/2011 4:22:16 PM

I will pray for Owen and all the family. May God give them peace.

FrisbyPI

Posted : 8/11/2011 5:36:55 PM

Many prayers and good thoughts for Owen, his family and all who are caring for him. Mom's faith is an inspiration.

cakana

Posted : 8/11/2011 10:16:03 PM

cakana

Posted : 8/11/2011 10:19:56 PM

Owen came thru the surgery successfully and they were able to remove the halo traction earlier than expected. Susie says he's wide awake despite the pain and sedation meds, so it may be a very long night for her. They're extremely grateful for all the prayers though.

auburn2932

Posted : 8/12/2011 7:01:03 AM

Bless his heart, look at that smile! My prayers go out to him and the family always.

cakana

Posted : 8/15/2011 10:29:34 AM

Susie and/or David post on the CaringBridge almost every day and I always enjoy reading what's going on but sometimes the posts are so special, I want to share them. This is one of those posts:

Monday, August 15, 2011 3:07 AM, EDT

My brother-in-law and I were chatting the other day and he told me that church was the hardest time for him. (He is Hannah's godfather and spoke at her funeral.) He asked me if I had been to church yet and until that second it hadn't dawned on me that I haven't actually been to church. Someone has always arranged for a priest to come to us at the hospital or at the Ronald McDonald house and bring communion every Sunday since the accident. Today we felt like we were all "mobile" enough to actually go to mass.

My dad always made sure that Sunday was family day growing up. We always all went to church, then out to lunch and usually a movie after. And I always tried to continue this with my own family. Taking the kids when they are little has always been a challenge. Ask anyone who sits near us! The girls always argue over who gets to sit next to me or David. Hannah usually ended up in David's lap and sometimes fell asleep. Owen, like all bulls in a china shop, had no clue how to sit still and be quiet. He would wander from person to person, drop his toys, spill his sippy cup, and whisper like a toddler (which is just lighter than a scream.) David and I went every Sunday and left feeling like we just ran a marathon...wearing heels. Well, me not David.

Today we went into church and immediately I felt lost. David stayed with Owen at the hospital. Kathryn had to sit in the aisle in her wheelchair and Brooke was sitting a brother, 2 sisters, and 3 nieces down from me. I could feel everyone trying to size us up. We must have looked like a very clutzy family between the wheelchair, the cast, and the limp.

I noticed immediately the little blonde boy and his mother sitting in front of us. She had all the tools that I would normally have- a sippy cup, a small bag of quiet snacks, a book, and a few small toys. It was hard to watch her go through all the motions that I would normally be doing also. Instead I was just sitting quietly holding Kathryn's hand as she fell asleep on my arm. Hannah had done this too, so many times. And usually within a few minutes, Hannah would lean over and whisper that she had to go to the bathroom. But not today.

Today, I just sat there and could probably have been able to listen to more of the mass than I have in the last 10 years but my mind wouldn't let me. I kept thinking of Sundays together as a family and I just turned to tears. How can a place that always brought me so much comfort now feel so painful?

After taking communion, I always start my prayers with "Thank you Lord, for my beautiful family. Please watch over us this week." Today I bowed my head and started the same prayer and just started to cry again. I didn't know what to say. Thank you for what's left of my family??

I don't feel angry with God, so why can't I feel peace in His house?

I left mass feeling exhausted. And when I returned to the hospital and noticed Owen's head was swollen, I got mad. I have tried to not get mad. I have no time for that emotion usually. But today, I was mad. I said to David, "We created a perfect child together, and somebody broke him! I took all my vitamins, never drank, did everything I was supposed to do and he was perfect. And now he has a machine breathing for him and tubes everywhere and and plates in his little leg and stitches all over! He was perfect and someone broke him!" All David could say in response was, "I know."

We went to work doing Owen's nursing and comforting him and I forgot about things for a while. But when I came back to the house and sat down to eat, the day flooded back over me. And it hurt. But I wasn't mad anymore, just sad. I can't allow myself to be mad, I really don't have that kind of time. Anger and bitterness is an easy hole to fall down into. And nearly impossible to crawl your way out of. So I have decided that whenever I feel angry that I will pray instead and thank God, not for "what's left of my family" but FOR my family. Period. Owen isn't broken, his body may be. But he is still Owen- feisty, silly and strong-willed. And my girls are still the sweet, funny, smart girls they always have been, just with more hardware. I will not allow my own anger to blind me from that. I will always think of Hannah and then remember the Serenity Prayer. And I will try to think of the Sundays to come where we will sit together as a family. Again, it will be different, but it will still be good. This active baby in my belly guarantees years of Sunday marathons to come... in high heels.

shadowsgin

Posted : 8/15/2011 12:24:44 PM

So glad the surgery went well. Cathy thanks for sharing these letters with us. It makes me step back and look at things with a different perspective. Sure we all have bad days but this families struggles are so much greater in comparrison. Prayers continue to go out for the Johnson's.