Second Hand Dog

Sounds like there is a bit of denial going on (and probably not yours to be honest). 
 
First off, don't rocket yourself to guilts-ville.  This dog is VERY placeable.  However, you might consider contacting poodle rescue and then let them get their hooks into this woman (because as a breeder she oughta be locked in a small crate without repreive anyway).  But in any event -- you might have to pay a couple hundred dollars to rescue for them to help you, but they would make sure whoever DID get this boy would have the patience and was equipt to DO right by this boy (anybuddy got Bunni's email?? She would likely know exactly who to send this lady to).
 
Don't feel like a creep-zoid.  But if you come up with a workable plan to re-home this boy, that may make your husband deal with HIS issues.  Because (and my best friend's sister has MS -- I'm totally understanding everything you are saying and this is a LONG TERM commitment to this dog -- not just for the next 6 months while you get him under control!!).
 
In fact, to be completely honest -- if you get someone sensible at poodle rescue, you might actually be able to work out a trade IF a second dog is what you guys truly want.  They take in LOTS of senior dogs, who likely aren't the handful that this guy is, and they might have a lower energy dog in NEED of a home exactly like yours (someone home who needs hands on love not someone to curb a bounce off walls dog!)
 
See different folks have different needs and this dog WAS mis-represented to you.  That doesn't mean he's a bad boy - just in need of a higher energy home and someone who understands him.  Well you've done rescue the favor of figuring out what this boys true issues ARE and what he does honestly need. 
 
Beyond that -- the tough part about MS is that everyone constantly has to re-adjust all the time with the demands of the disease and the changing role of everyone in the family.  AND being realistic about where you are now, and where you are gonna be in 10 years.  My friend and her sister have dealt with this over 20 years now -- and it changes the rules on them all the time. 
 
So I'm glad you are realistic about not taking more 'guilt' on yourself than you should, and reminding your husband that he has a share in this as well.  He's likely bonded with the dog in a different way -- but if he elects to keep the dog and tend to its needs, then you guys have to be careful that it doesn't sew some seeds of discontent that will sprout up and cause problems later.  But if he's got issues about hard feelings because you can't 'do' a thing then he needs to deal with them.  (and I know you already know that).
 
There's nothing easy about MS -- but setting yourself up realistically is important.  And it's like I said -- this dog IS placeable -- and frankly, there is likely someone out there who NEEDS the type of bonding that this little guy needs.  He probably doens't need to be one of two dogs -- he probably just needs to be one humans CONSTANT companion. 
 
The trick for you is getting in with the RIGHT rescue group -- and I'd think a personal recommendation would be helpful.  YOu will need to be honest so that they know your big concern is the MS and that this dog isn't gonna get what he needs, but that you are poodle people and you DO want another dog ... just maybe a more sedentary one to keep you and the little one company. 
 
You might be an ideal candidate for a foster family, in fact.    And for a good rescue group, a knowledgeable foster family is a valuable thing. 

You can try walking him in an Easy Walk Harness.  The harness is easy to use, and gives you leverage without making it unpleasant for a fearful dog.  There is also something called an "anxiety wrap" that has been helpful for some dogs.
Callie's suggestions are great.  Ali Brown's "Scaredy Dog - Understanding and Rehabilitating Your Reactive Dog" also has lots of good hints on exercises that will build confidence, as does Patricia McConnell's "Cautious Canine".
Another thing you could try is clicker training.  It's not hands on, so you would be able to train your dog without having to do much physically yourself in a lot of cases.  Disabled people have used it successfully to train their own service dogs.  Good luck.
As for the previous owner, think how lucky this dog is to have escaped someone who would "dump" him with all his baggage onto
an unsuspecting person who just wants an easy dog.  Maybe it's good you were the one - he might have already been dumped again without a thought if it were someone else.  After all, here you are talking to us about how to help him! [sm=wink2.gif]

Callie,

Your incredible support and understanding brought tears to my eyes, thank you for your time and compassion.  Will you come and live with me? 

I am well acquainted with a woman who is the local guru for Poodle Rescue, and so I am grateful I have her to fall back on.  The first thing, though, is the new guy is due for his first vet visit here and shots on Tuesday, and I feel responsible for that, and so we will take care of that housekeeping. 

It's so hard for me to say to anyone, okay, the MS is making this situation totally unbearable, I don't have the time, energy or patience for this type of assignment.  I very rarely give in or moan, and so I think I've trained people around me to think I'm fine.  They should know better, this is a horrible disease.  If one more person tells me "You look wonderful" I'm going to kick their teeth out.  Every day is a push, a struggle, a fight.  And, this dog is the last thing I need. 

Anne, thank you for the walking hints.  Yesterday we solved the problem in about 30 minutes with Carlene.  It was like an episode from "The Dog Whisperer." 

The bottom line of the whole thing is this:  I am glad he landed here, I am considering myself a foster home for him.  (I called his former mom last week and informed her of the difficulties and she made it clear that bringing him back to her was not an option, not that I'd do that anyway).  At least I have the contacts to get him what he needs and where he needs to be.  I'm afraid if he had landed in a home without the contacts and resources we have, he would have been handed over to a shelter and frightened even further.  We will continue our work, every hour, every day, until we find the right thing to do.  With my energy sapped the way it is, I don't believe I can keep him and give him the life he deserves. 

Here's an additional piece. 
 
Tonight I had a discussion with the DH.  I told him that in the course of living my life with MS, I try to do as much as I can.  And, in the course of this, there are some dreams that I have that I want to chase.  One of them was owning two dogs, something I never had the opportunity to do.  And, in chasing some of these dreams there will be times that I mess up and get in over my head.  And, this is one of these times.  I told him he needs to see how this is exhausting me (in order to get to our yard, on must exit the house onto a deck and down 12 stairs.  Since the new guy is marginally housetrained, I do this with him every two hours)  and how unfair it is to the dog to not have all that he needs.  Response:  "If you need to get rid of the dog, then get rid of the dog."  My response:  ""Getting rid of the dog is not at the heart of this, it's that I've gotten in over my head, I feel absolutely horrid about it, and I need your sympathy and support."  "Well, if that means getting rid of the dog, then just go and do it now."  Am I speaking Russian here or what? 
 
I added that I would pay to have the dog vetted before contacting rescue, and he didn't get that at all.  I told him it was the responsible thing to do and we would be doing it. 
 
Geesh, tomorrow's our 24th wedding anniversary.  Proof that miracles do occur in life.

I probably saw Pollyanna too many times as a child, but I tend to always play the "Glad Game" (finding something to be 'glad' about in EVERY situation).  It's saved my sanity more than once.  But that also tells you a whole lot about how I function day to day and why I'm who I am.
 
So I said that to say this:  Sounds to me like your husband has his own issues to deal with.  Don't bother to give him a paddle-- he's gotta get up the River De-nial himself.  But this was likely a good solid thing to hit him in the eyes.
 
Men often have to say something curt and walk away to save face -- I tend then to follow that up with a long, heart-felt no-holds-barred letter he can read and react to in private.  (and funnily enough, David and I can get a real cycle of life going around our anniversary too in March -- but I tend to think it's because there are so many true life 'things' that occur this time of year like Easter, Taxes, Property Taxes, quarter changes at work, extra work inside and outside, etc.)
 
You chose a good way of putting it, but you probably have to have a heart to heart with your daughter as well.  I'd involve her in the whole "do the responsible thing and take him to the vet" etc -- and show her exactly what you told your husband -- that you simply got yourself in over your head but you don't want this little guy to suffer for it, but you instead want him to go to a better home and remember not all humans are unfeeling monsters. 
 
These can be the most valuable things you can pass on to your family -- and it always interests me how many critical life lessons have to do with dogs. 
 
There's going to come a day when that deck is going to be un-manageable for you and beginning to address that might be a good thing.  Raine and her sister had a similar situation in that they live in a split level and getting out of the house on ANY side involves about 10 steps and they ultimately had to install an elevator in the garage to get Chris in and out of the house.    Big expenditures to be sure.  I take it the other dog just will go in and out without a leash?
 
Good luck.  I truly understand the emotional ramifications of this for YOU (and I hope your husband does get his brain wrapped around this -- because the step for YOU of getting hit in the face with your own limitations and having them clash so badly with your own sense of honor and responsibility sucks in a big huge way and you DO need his support).
 
Take care and let us know how it goes.  Callie

Hi Callie,

Thank you again for your caring and understanding words while I'm so in need of them. 

Here's a detail you're going to love, and I'm laughing as I add it, thinking "wait til she hears this part of the story."  My little one cannot go up and down stairs at all due to the condition her knees were in at birth and the subsequent luxating patella surgery.  SOOOO, when she needs to go out to the yard, I carry he down and up the steps.  Ditto in the house.  I think of it as physical therapy.  It's free and I don't have to go anywhere for it.