Bashing you isn't the problem -- however, if you look back over your own post you'll probably see why that happens.
bottom line -- SURE there is help for this dog. She's reacting as a *dog* -- and as Jackie put it so simply, she IS the innocent party here. But she'll pay the price.
Having her live with your hatred and his indifference -- frankly that's just plain cruel. You can *read* all the books on the shelf, but until someone CARES enough to try to work with her to resolve the problem nothing's going to change.
But let me explain -- you're "projecting" anger on her. Anger really isn't a dog thing -- an "angry" dog is the one raging out of control who goes for the throat to kill. That's RARE. Really *very* rare. They may get frustrated -- and they really speak a different language than we do. You are pretty accurately identifying how YOU would feel if it was you.
If you want to honestly understand why she reacts as she does you'll have to learn to 'speak dog'. It's not a human language -- they really do "see" things differently and sometimes it would be easy to ASSUME that they must feel this way or that. But generally they follow a pretty predictable pattern.
One book I WILL suggest to you is Dr. STanley Coren's "How to Speak Dog" -- it's not a small book, but it will tell you pretty clearly what may be motivating her more accurately. It may make the difference of explaining to you how she thinks more clearly. It will also teach you how to 'read' her body language better so you know what she's really 'saying' when she does something.
So ... to 'take the high road' here -- will likely involve you making the huge sacrifice to overcome your dislike and try to help her. Like Glenda said -- you may go from "hate" to "love in pretty short order because it's my bet this girl is SO lonely and SO hurting that she may become your best friend for darned little love. When you want privacy sure ... crate her. But don't just push her in and lock the door. Give her dinner in there, or give her a big marrow bone to chew on or a bunch of other things.
Realize your Dad's failings were your Dad's. Not THIS dog's. Not a breed ... and certainly not THIS unique being.
Honestly, even to find a home for her will take some compassion. And no one is going to hate *you* for doing that. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is being a jerk. If she's HIS dog, she's HIS responsibility -- she has given HIM the best years of her life faithfully and suddenly she's not the right species any more to get his attention??? She's old -- trust me, she doesn't NEED a lot of attention.
Aside from old age incontinence or it being difficult to move I have another question. Does anyone go walk her or let her out BEFORE you shove her in the crate?? In other words -- be fair. If you two are headed in to get physical, take her out FIRST. Set her up in her crate to **be happy** -- give her dinner, or give her something to occupy her for a bit.
I think you have **tried** to figure this dog out -- and honestly, that tells ME you probably are more than a bit sensitive to her even despite your conflicted feelings. But you don't have the right factual information to get clear answers (you only get 'angry' answers which will make you come to the wrong conclusions).
Dogs really don't exact retribution -- and they don't get "angry" -- but they CAN get easily confused. If you say "Stay THERE" and point to a spot and she stays THERE and then loses bladder control (cos she hears something and gets scared/agitated or just just can't wait any more) and she loses bladder control -- it's not cos she's 'mad' -- it's because she lost control.
Now -- she might be trying to say "He's mine!" -- and sometimes dogs will urinate or defacate on something they want to 'claim' -- but that's claiming, not anger. When you then point to the mess (which to HER is her "mark" -- it's something very specific which to her identifies this as 'hers' and her property and clearly says ME in her mind) and say "BAD DOG!!!" what you've really told her is 'I don't like YOU!!!" -- not that you don't like where she chose to elminate. She thinks SHE's been clear, you think YOU have been clear and neither one of you 'get it'!
Does that make sense? Both of you walk away more frustrated.
It could be aggravated by the fact that she's pretty immobile and hurts a lot -- that will aggravate everything.
faerieosity
She does have bad hips now. She no longer can run and play. Sometimes she can barely stand up. We have taken her to the vet. She does not have a UTI. My boyfriend resents taking her to the vet, and he resents spending the money on her. I have told him numerous times that he needs to do one of three things: either put her to sleep or give her away to someone who will care for her properly in her elder years, or work with a dog trainer to get her behavior under control. Of course, he will hear of none of those options. Talking to him about this issue is like talking to a wall. I am at my wit's end
What DOES he want to do?
As I said -- it's your boyfriend who honestly is the jerk here -- you have your own baggage (which he probably knew when he asked you to move in?? or you decided to cohabit anyway) cos she was his responsibility probably before you entered the picture. She's given HIM the best years of her life. She loves him no matter what (even tho he doesn't care -- she still thinks the sun rises and sets in him I bet?)
But he needs to have some patience --
Again, I'm not trying to be ratty but please understand that how you two deal with THIS is indicative of how you will deal with ANY problem in life.
I'm really not being ratty -- honestly what this boils down to is you can 'get rid of' the dog because it's inconvenient and your "life is different" etc ... but guess what? If you two want a future together how are you going to resolve future problems? What happens when one of your parents becomes old and incontinent ... trust me, it's not fun. It can destroy a marriage when "mom" or "dad" moves in (or even if you have to visit them daily or take turns caring for them with other siblings).
My point is this -- if you two are going to have a future with each other then somehow you need to learn to resolve difficult problems like this very thing -- someone has to care *enough* to do what it takes to help her. To realize that for each of your *actions* (like shutting her out because she's inconvenient when you want to be amorous -- and then hating her for having an opinion -- if she's claiming him and her 'territory' -- about what you've done??) there is going to be repercussions. That, flatly, is life.
He hasn't trained her so he has wound up with a pretty unpleasant dog in her old age. THAT is a mistake. It's a mistake that was made years ago. It's one that could be rectified IF he wanted to.
Cleaning up a mess like this isn't easy. There are solutions to all these problems BUT they can only be arrived at if someone decides to care enough to tackle them.
Just 'reading' isn't going to make changes. Is he adult enough TO do right by her? What if this was one of YOUR parents?? Who was sick, infirrm or needed help? No don't say "That's different" -- no, honestly it's not. If you look thru the archives here MANY of us have parents who live in or that we've had to take care of and it gets HARDER not easier than with a pet. But if someone can't -- while they are YOUNG and vigorous and have fewer responsbilities than they ultimately will do the right and compassionate thing, then honestly later on they won't either.
The folks on this board vary in age, financial situation, professional status, etc. - but we all love our dogs. But we all have 'real lives' -- and we see what happens when one person goes thru a tough time -- and the spouse who can't suck it up and deal with something hard when it's a dog, or a neighbor, or a parent ... they won't/can't suck it up when it's a child either. Nor ... when the other spouse has a health problem or loses a job.
It's like I said above -- as we 'grow' in this life we have to deal with the problems that come to us. Refusing to deal with a problem? That's no solution at all -- it just increases the anger and resentment and problems and frustation (both your reactions and the dogs)
so honestly -- look at this as training for life. If you want to ask specific questions and get help on specific things we'll be glad to help you ... many of us can even tell *you* how to work on your own fear and reluctance to bond with her. But we can't change HIM.
I respect you highly for posting and TRYING to find a solution. It tells me you are a caring person and you'd like to find resolution. That's a lot to work with, to be honest. If you go across from our names to the "Contact" button it will give you various choices - one of which is email. If you want to email me, I'm more than willing to help you work on various issues. But someone has to be willing to DO something. And it's probably gotta start with him.
There are even things you can do to make her arthritis less painful ... not expensive things either. but -- they DO take time and effort. Holler if I can help. And good luck -- you'll need it.