vanmel
first I felt guilty because I felt like we murdered him by putting him to sleep, knowing that he still had the will to live. :(
Don't even say that -- it is absolutely NOT that. It is simply trying to help them avoid pain. Brownie was far far more worried about YOU than he was himself. He was doing all he did to please you ... this is where WE have to be the humans and *know more* than the dog. We have to be able to see past the blind obedience and love DEEPER to their pain. And knowing that we love them *enough* to release them from that pain.
vanmel
anyway I could not handle being there when he was put to sleep, because I unfortunately couldnt handle that, aside from not being there with him when he was put to sleep
I told you on the phone -- and I seriously believe this - that it was better that you were not there. Because when an owner tries to 'be there' for the dog BUT the owner is completely disraught -- that simply scares the dog.
In a very real sense it is kinder NOT to be there rather than burden them wtih your own over-whelming grief.
Dogs respond in a big way to OUR emotions. And when they feel that WE are all unglued -- it frightens THEM, it makes them desperate to cling to us to be there FOR US.
Support is only *support* if the person giving that support can remain calm and helpful ... but if that person is, themselves, out of control -- that ceases to be "support" and becomes "selfish". Your *not* being there was honestly a good thing. You shielded Brownie from your huge grief.
vanmel
I feel guilty about cremating him as I wanted to find a pet cemetary and there werent any in the area, so our only option was to get him cremated. I feel as the appropriate way was to get him buried.
Again, Vanessa - you did what you could. Pet cemetaries are unreliable as well -- I've seen them come up missing totally eventually. In this day and age we can't bury them "at home" like in former days. City code just doesn't allow it.
And if you weren't certain and sure that the crematorium your vet uses is reliable then opting to not get his ashes was likely wise.
Find a bit of his hair (he's a dog -- surely you can find some shed hair??) -- and I can get you the names of some companies who will make a lovely piece of jewelry for you with that tiny bit of his coat for you to keep ... and keep close TO you. A very dear friend of mine just lost a pug she was extremely attached to -- and she had a lovely piece of jewelry made in Shiloh's honor. It's a lovely way to honor them, and it's a good un-blemished memory.
Don't allow yourself to go over and over and over things that you really had NO control over. It's not like you knew in advance you needed to 'find' a good crematorium. There are just times in this life when we need to make a snap decision. Then you can't beat yourself up over what was simply the best decision you could make at the time.
vanmel
I keep thinking what if they just threw his body like it was nothing, anyway
That absolutely DID NOT happen. First off, vets offices are pretty tightly controlled and they just aren't allowed to treat remains that way. Most vets are VERY caring -- I can promise you that the folks on here who have worked in vets offices and who are vet techs themselves will chime in and say that most vets offices are extremely careful about such remains. I know my own vet suddenly switched crematoriums about 2 years ago because the vet himself was simply not happy with how things were handled at the crematorium.
As a little itme passes here, you and your husband need to look back on the vet care that Brownie received -- both at your "old" vet and this last vet you used ... and plan for the future. You may never use either one of them again.
After what you told me on the phone -- I probably wouldn't use the second one again either -- but take some time and learn from what you are unhappy about with Brownie's care ... and look forward to the future.
It's as I told you on the phone -- I will always wish I had done things differently with Prissy ... she was MY first, and I was devastated that day. I know I was far far too shattered at the end and I made her passing far more difficult than it should have been. I'm not proud of that -- BUT neither am I going to castigate myself ... because that doesn't help Prissy at all. It doesn't help her memory. And SHE would have been quite put out with me over it.
So instead -- I just tried to LEARN. To make up my mind that **next time** would be different.
And it WAS.
vanmel
it might sound crazy but the guilt is killing me, I feel that I left my baby alone in this process and it makes me feel horrible inside, I was always there for him when he was alive and I just wish I could have doen everything differently, because II feel as if I abandoned him at his last moment and that is killing me as well as the grief.
Vanessa, you honestl have to let go of this and realize that you did the best you could at that time. You aren't superwoman -- you *knew* (and your husband knew) that you were far too grief-stricken to handle going to the vet. That was a wise decision. As I said above -- had you gone, you would truly ONLY have burdened Brownie more -- you can't support someone if you are so grief-stricken yourself.
We can never go back and "re-do" the past. It's like the old adage "don't cry over spilt milk". It's already on the floor -- so you clean it up and resolve to do it differently NEXT TIME.
If people on here have heard me once they've heard me hundreds of times saying "I learned from my old Prissy ...." or "I made THAT mistake with Prissy and won't do that again".
Wisdom is learning from a bad situation. We can't prevent bad things from happening. But we CAN go back over our actions and decide to learn from it and not make the mistake again the next time.
This was the first dog you've ever lost -- there are no "instructions" anyone gives us on how to "grieve" before we have to go thru it the first time. WE all have to learn. All of us on here HAVE had to learn -- some of us have had a tough time with it.
I grieved for my Prissy far far far too hard for almost seven years. I had other dogs .. but pretty well went thru the motions. I had an enormous amount of guilt because our finances were horrible dire at the time and I couldn't even afford gas money to get Prissy to the vet TO euthanize her.
Guilt is destructive -- and I'm not saying all this because I'm perfect and don't ever feel "guilt". Rather, I've done it myself -- so I can see the traps you're falling into enough to try and help you defuse them.