tacran
Posted : 3/11/2009 1:19:48 AM
Oh, Tina . . . . I'm so sorry to hear about Bear. I haven't been on the forum in a couple weeks, and I'm just now seeing this thread. Reading your posts made me cry. I can relate to so many things you said about having to make such a heart wrenching decision. It's impossible to feel 100% certain about when it's the "right time" to say goodbye. The struggle is trying to know when your beloved dog has reached his limit, while weighing your own limits as well. I wasn't sure if we were doing the right thing the night we found ourselves in the emergency vet's office, and like you experienced, the vet seemed to talk to us for a long time, making me feel even more doubtful (my head understood why she counseled us so long -- she had never seen us or Tonka before -- but my heart kept thinking she was waiting for us to change our minds).
I can't say enough how blessed you were to have those few minutes of sedation for Bear. Tonka was so calm that the vet said it wasn't necessary, and we were too distraught to think about the benefits for HIM as opposed to just helping the vet tend to a dog that wasn't cooperating . And while he remained calm right until his last breath, I will always regret that he was probably uncomfortable rather than truly relaxed. That's a regret that still breaks my heart - over 3 years later. But, he was quiet, and we spent a long time alone with him. I held my face next to his the whole time, and despite the guilt and regret I still feel, my primary comfort is that the absolute last thing he knew of his physical life was our voices and our touch. I'm sure you spent lots and lots of time talking to Bear throughout his life with you, so I'm positive he heard your whispers and that they made his final moments feel safe.
I could go on and on, but this is already turning into me rambling on about my grief, when my intention is to offer you my deepest sympathies, to say I understand, and to send you supportive and comforting vibes as you go through this. I didn't realize how exhausted I'd become until that first night of NOT listening for something indicating an emergency, not lying on the floor all night, etc. It will be a while before you're feeling rested and even remotely like yourself. Until then, you have lots of shoulders here.
To Bear --- you're pain and seizure free now, and you're in very good company at the Bridge -- your special "sister," Shari, as well as all kinds of new friends who seemed to know to greet you, including my big boy, Tonka. Watch over your Mom as she adjusts to life without you physically by her side. She'll feel your presence in different ways now, as you'll remain in her heart.