My beloved bulldog Holly is gone

Thank you all for you kind and wonderful words.  I just got off the phone with her reg vet since 8 weeks and he said absolutely it was not my fault, the rescue breathing would not have helped, even oxygen tank wouldn't have helped.  That the undigested nite pills did not matter cause she had enough procainamide in her bloodstream for a while. He believed the tumor ruptured.  Also, she lived long for a bulldog he said.
 
Cubby- I will go get that book because I need more, my faith just isn't very strong right now.
 
ELton John -
 
Goodbye English Rose,,,,,,,,,,  we put a vase of 9 red roses on her grave - Princess Diana would be proud  

Does anyone know CPR?

I do and ended up using it on a best friend who was only 31.  She died anyway (congenital heart defect no one knew about) and I kept saying "why...what good is CPR?"  It was explained to me that although it's a very, very useful tool and can certainly save lives, it can't save every life and actually the success relies on many factors beyond our control.  You know now that there was nothing more you could've done and although that doesn't ease the pain, you can certainly let go of any questions of what you could've done differently.  Be kind and gentle with yourself right now.  I'm sure that's what Holly would want for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss...
Remember that Holly had a wonderful life and was with you when she passed....
Don't beat yourself up...we have to enjoy all the time we have with our dogs and our friends and family...but the joy is that, in time, we will all be together again...
Remember her forever, and she'll always be with you....

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have read some of your other posts
and have been so impressed with the care you provided for Holly
and Cheyenne.  Please take comfort knowing you did everything
you could for her.

So sorry. *hugs*

Here it is the first morning after,  in Hollys home.  How agonizing that she did not sleep between my legs, her big lug of a body was not there.  No gentle snoring all nite long.  She won't be waiting for me outside of my shower or while I blowdry my hair. I am a sobbing basketcase hugging the pillow she last laid on.  I can't bring myself to change the bed that she got sick on.  Normally we sleep tilll 8, cause Holly loved her sleep.  (I was always late to work), but here it is 6 am and I am sobbing and walking around with a candle praying for us.  SHould I get ready for work or call insick again, my boss is understanding.  I have good dog friends at work.  I miss my baby.  My other dog is very quiet, he followed me in here to type this (he is my rescue dog for almost 2 years)  he is quiet as a mouse.  Usaully every morning is a jump of joy and jubilation for him, jumping on the bed waking Holly up    today is horrible for both us.     Thanks for listening...writing this helps..pam

We think the tumor caused the arrythmia. I think the first 4 years of commercail dogfood and the yearly vaccines and tap water did it. I think when I finally wised up and switched her over, the damage was done

 
The tumor may have caused the arrythmia, but I have a seventeen year old dog that ate crap dog food, and got yearly vaccines, and ate cereal when her first owner had no money for dog food.  This is *not* your fault.  People I know who feed raw, do Dr. Dodds' protocol for vaccines, and do everything holistically, still have dogs that get cancer and die.  Life is complicated, and we know little.  Never beat yourself up for doing the best you could with what you knew.  Holly was a lucky bulldog - she had the love and caring companionship that too few dogs enjoy.  You were a great mom to her, and that is why when you look to your left, there will always be a little bulldog angel at heel.  <<>>

Anne beat me to it!  You did your best and that's all that matters - life is a crapshoot at best.  My sister's BIL dropped dead from heart problems at the gym while working out - he was a health nut.  I'm not and my heart is still ticking - life is not right or fair it just is. Enjoy it while you can.  Holly knew that and I think that's what attracts us to our dogs - how they enjoy life and live in the  moment. They don't obsess about yesterday or put things off till tomorrow - what matters is being with us here and now.  Holly is still with you just like Lani is still with me. There will be nothing that can take that from us.  Let go of the guilt.  It's easier said than done I know.  Maybe this website will help you as it has me -- http://www.angelbluemist.com/frames/guilt.html  -- I hope so.
 
Take care.
 
Run free Holly and have fun at the Bridge till Mom comes for you! [sm=angel.gif]

I unfortunately know the pain that losing Holly is causing you.  We just recently went through a similar experience and my little girl FeFe passed away while I was holding her and telling her how much she was loved.  She had tumors in her lungs that were inoperable and would not respond to treatment.  She was also on daily meds and because of this, I talked my boss (who is NOT an animal person) into letting me bring her to work.  The vets estimated she would only live a few weeks to a few months and she made it almost 6 months.  We love and miss her terribly.  Not a moment goes by that I don't think of her and wish I had her with me... to give one more bath after she rolled in poopie, to take outside to potty, to feel one more kiss on my nose.  Please do take comfort that she chose to die with you and that she probably held on as long as she could just for you.  It certainly sounds as if she had all the love and attention she could ever want.  My prayers go out to you... I hope Holly and FeFe run into each other at Rainbow Bridge.

i am so very sorry for your loss....

Rredbird - thankyou so much, that link was so soothing.  Becuase of it, I have already let go of the main quilt, while other new quilts try to make their way in.  I am trying to stop those thoughts. 
 
Tracy, Cubby and Bragg and everyone who has lost your babies.-  Honestly, when this Rainbow section went up, I was afraid to read knowing my time was coming to be right here with you guys- I am so so sorry for the loss of your babies too.  Yes I hope they are all frolicking up yonder. 
 
Tracy, the bullies are so very special aren't they?  She was the love of my husbands life too. 9 1/2 years ago, he came home and said "I found the dog I want - an english bulldog"  I said "what is that", but I went with him cause I just wanted a dog, any dog didn't matter.  Our baby was one of the runts and so cute. We fell completly in love with bulldogs from then on.
 
I came to work today and cried on everyones shoulders.  They had a flower arrangement and many cards on my desk..  I can't thank them and all folks on this board enough for your support.  Bless you all.   

I'm so sorry for your loss........................

I'm so sorry Hollysmom,,,I am just reading this and sobbing my head off.  I always look at Hollys picture when you post, as my brother had an English Bull named Abby, years ago...and we loved her so much.
By the time you read this, I hope some of the pain has lessened a bit.  I remember loosing my dogs and crying until I just felt I was going to break!  I know that is what you are doing. I feel for you.
Holly felt your love right until the end of her life,,that is why she chose to go where she was comforable and close to you.  You did all the right things for her and she felt it, I am sure!  I really don't believe for a half of minute that the food she ate a long time ago had anything to do with this...it was Gods will.We can't question why things happen the way they do,,,but they just do.  When I was 18, my Mom  walked out of the door at 5:00 PM one night to go for a short walk and got hit by a car going about 20 MPH....that was Gods will. To this day I don't know why, she was a good person, a loving person...so why did this happen to her, why did this happen to me?  But it did.  Just like Holly just had to have a heart defect and leave at the age she did.  Please take comfort in the fact that she died with you, she did not die at the vets office where she probably wouldn't have been comfortable.     
Hang in there Hollysmom,,,,,take each day as it comes..and spend your time remembering all the good things about Holly,,,how cute she was, how you loved her and how she loved you!   You were blessed to have her and more then that, she was blessed to have you.     Take care! 

I am sobbing as I write this.  I jsut can't bear it.  This is the 3rd
morning without her.  I woke up at 3 and now its 5.  Jim already left for work, I
wish he would stay with me.   the mornings seem to be the very hardest, she
is not there between my legs,  i kissed her sweet face for a long time every
morning and she grunted with love grunts back to me.   I don't feel like
living anymore, but I know red needs me.  I don't even want to come home at
nite and I feel like running out of this house and never coming back

Mornings used to be a time of jubilation for Red, all happy jumping on the
bed to wake Holly up or chew his bone   Red is very quiet and jsut lays like
he is dead too on the floor.  I manage to take him for his walk and we get
some relief while walking.  I leave the TV's on for him and I come home at
lunch to check on him.

This house is a morgue, my MIL is so depressed too.  I worry about her. I have come to terms that it was genetics and it was just her time.  Thanks for listening..

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} We are always here to listen whenever you need us.
 
I am so sorry for your pain.  It has been 1-1/2 yrs since Lani passed on and at times the pain can still be intense.  I feel for you and wish I had the magic words to take the pain away and get you through this but only time will help.  Love on Red - he needs you and you need him.  When Lani passed I went into a pretty bad depression and closed myself off from everyone and everything. It wasn't until a puppy in need of some serious help crossed my path that I started coming out.  Since then I have helped place his mom in rescue and his 8 younger siblings, helped a stray find its way home, fostered 2 other dogs and had one adopted, and now spend time on Saturdays helping a local rescue at Petsmart.  I thank Lani for allowing me to do all that because it was her passing that provided the catalyst for change. Everything I do I credit her for and do in her memory.   I know from another post you are responsible for helping someone else save their beloved dog.
Hold onto the good - there are others out there that need you and whatever help you can give.  Take the time to grieve but remember Holly would want you to share the love you had with her - that love didn't die with her but continues to live on and as long as it does so does Holly.
 
Take care of yourself and know that there are others who care for you.