Wondering how to deal... still grieving

I am so sorry for your loss [] i hope within time things get better for you even tho at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Fefe is watching you her tail wagging as she plays with all our furry pals we have lost and waiting for that special day you can be together again!

[linkhttp://forum.dog.com/asp/tm.asp?m=71770]http://forum.dog.com/asp/tm.asp?m=71770[/link]
 
bragg, this is Shari's Bridge thread, if you care to read through it. 
 
I read everyone's in this section because I find it very helpful to know I'm not alone.  My feelings and pain are just as valid as anyone's who has experienced loss.

I think that there will also be a little spot on your heart that doesn't fully EVER heal.  Certainly the pain gets better and you can live your life and fully function, but at some level, there is the little rememberence of all our loved pets who are now waiting at the Bridge.  Linus left us 22 years ago and still there is a little spot that remembers...not in my mind, but in my heart.
 
You just do your best to go on day after day, and try to HONOR the memory of your loved one the best way you can.  I think that the hardest loss for me was Mr. Ears....only 5 months old and one of my foster litter.  He never even got a real name, even tho we knew that he would stay with us.  So sudden, so unexpected...at least with the others I had time to prepare myself somewhat for the loss.  Not that that made it hurt any less, but at least I KNEW.  Mr. Ears gave me a wonderful gift tho....and if anyone wants to think I'm nuts, oh well!  When Mr. Ears lay dying (and HE knew that he was, but I didn't) he looked me square in the eye and he communicated to me...as if I could hear him speaking...that he was sorry that he had to leave me, that he thanked me for loving him so much, but that he had to go and he loved me now and forever.  He waited until I dozed off.....he in his crate where he chose to be (no door) with his little head laying on my hand.  When I woke up an hour and 15 minutes later he was gone, and judging from how cold he was, had BEEN gone.  He just waited for me to relax and fall asleep on the floor beside him before he left...he didn't want me to see him go.  Gosh, how I miss that sweet little guy.  But, we'll meet again.

Tina, Shari was a beautiful.  She was 16?  How lucky you had her that long.  I feel so cheated that we didn't get at least 13 years, Holly was only 9.5.
I finally finished giving Red all of Hollys raw buffalo meat.  I forgot to feed him and me many days.  One by one, each pound of frozen  (about 12 of them) was so painful to thaw out.  They were in the "Whole Food" plastic bag incase we lost power and I would have leakage ..I never ever will go to Whole Foods again, it would be too painful and it was a specail 1/2 hour trup to buy the buffalo.  I still havent been to the grocery store in 3 weeks just cause.  Yesterday, I mustered up the courage to go to the special dogfood store to buy Red his raw meat.  The owner came over to give me condolences and I just broke down.  They went thru Hollys ear problems with me for years. I was going to take Holly for the first time that last Sat, but decided against it cause it was so hot and I worried about her having a heart attack cause of the heat.  But we did have several hours with Holly in the garage with the fans blowing while we cleaned up in there.  She loved to be with us with her kongs on Grandmas quilt.   This is funny about the quilt -  Grandma loved dogs and her quilt - I inherited the quilt.  It was brown and not my colors so I gave it to Holly to use in the car.  One day, my Dad sees I gave Grandmas quilt to Holly but didn't say anything . Bless him.
 
Red has come alive with the puppy. He is happy again and because of that, I quess I will keep her even tho I don't want to.  I can't bear to see Red so unhappy.

I have gone back and read some of the previous posts and my heart is broken all over again.  When we lost Oakie it never occured to me that there were sites like this.  I made a picture story of him with the song Freebird playing in the background.  The first couple of months I HAD to play it every day and cry for him.  DH told me I was torturing myself, but I just had to see him everyday.  I have gotten better but I still play it everyweek or so.  Tears are streaming down my cheeks now and I am at work so I will have to go for a while.
You all are in my thoughts and hope you will keep me in yours.

Yep, Shari made it to 15 years, 7 months, and 19 days.  A lot of people said to me over the years that "big dogs don't live that long", which I never understood, but she did.
 
It hurts no matter how old they are.  Each touches our lives in a special way, whether we share a few months or many years.  I have a bookmark that has an expression by Flavia written on it.  It says: "some people come into our lives, make footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same."  I think it could easily be adapted to say "some dogs" or whatever pet a person has loved dearly.  If nothing, Shari left those footprints on my heart and soul.

Missy, I'm sorry when you first posted you thought you'd be bringing people down. I have to confess, I NEVER look at the Rainbow Bridge section of this board because it scares me. (Tina's reply just caught my eye for some reason and maybe I was just "supposed to" add my voice to this thread, I don't know.) Russell is my first dog and I know when the time comes for him to go to the bridge, it will be devastating. He's only one year old and I'm already trying to convince my SO that we need to get a second dog someday because it would be too much to bear losing our only. You can count me among the people who, if I worked in your office, would totally understand if you were breaking into tears months later. Maybe it hurts even more to lose your beloved dog or cat than a person you know, because our pets see us at our worst and love us unconditionally - we confide in them, emotionally, more than we confide in some people. I hope it helps you to know that people here have been through what you're going through. I probably shouldn't selfishly avoid these stories of grief, because someday I will be telling mine and need this kind of support too.

For nearly 12 years I adjusted my life to keep her on schedule and have received more than one stupid comment or look about it.  People who aren't true dog people just don't understand.

Tina, I just read the posts you received after your loss of Shari... tears are streaming down my face.  What you said is exactly what I still go through when I mention FeFe.  If she wasn't comfy on the bed, we slept on the couch.  If the couch wasn't comfy and she wanted the floor, we both slept on the floor.  If she was up all night... I was too.  She had her meds at different times, I was constantly looking at the time so I wouldn't be late.  Ordering her meds early so I wouldn't run out.  Getting laughed at when I icked up the order for " Missy FeFe Dog Bragg". I didn't care

Tracy mentioned the little separate losses that are hard if our dogs required special care... as I mentioned, she was on medication several times a day.  That morning, afternoon and evening routine of giving meds, making sure she got to eat and potty was my main concern.  The first week I couldn't bathe at home (went to parent's house instead) because she always went into the bathroom with me & laid on my clothes.  Driving to work was horrible because I dropped her off at my parent's house so I could make quick visits during the days I worked.  Dad loved taking care of her while I was at work.  That drive is still hard sometimes, I drive with her little beanie baby she loved so much on my lap... I say it's my baby FeFe and I take it everywhere I go.  It smelled like her for the longest time....

Jones, I used to avoid reading anything that had to do with Rainbow Bridge (at the vet's office, in a mag or newspaper, etc).  I feel so very sorry from the bottom of my heart for the losses others here have went through and for the people that have yet to face it.  I'm glad you'd be one of the understanding ones when, months later, I'm still missing her so much.  I hope you have many years of happiness and health with Russell.

Rozie, I hope she is up there watching over us and having a ball!  Glenda, hearing your story about Mr. Ears made the tears start again.  Bless his little heart, he waited until you dozed off.  What a sweet guy, he knew he was loved.  I know my heart won't ever fully heal.  Fe was my heart dog.  My little fuzzy angel.  pip52, hubby says I torture myself by making little videos of FeFe but it makes me happier to look at her than NOT looking at her. 

Pam.... I'm happy to hear Red is responding to the puppy.  I'm sure the pup will grow on you in time, just as Trixie has with us.  I won't ever be able to tell you all how much this helps, just to talk and share stories.  I don't ever want to forget one thing about Fe... she means so much to me and she still touches my heart.

Tina, I didn't come here either cause I knew my time was right aruond the corner.  Don't blame you at all.
Missy, I still have Hollys heart meds on the counter, the knife used to cut them in half, the writing tablet I cut them on.  at first 5 times a day, then 3.  Holly died in my car and boy was that hard to face.  I talk to her everyday in the car and pretend she is going for her favorite carrides, now she can go with Mommy to work. 

Pam... I still have all of FeFe's medications out too.  Right next to the microwave (where I always kept them) along with the little syringe for her liquid meds.  I think Holly's spirit is with you in your car... I know how hard that is but it's good that you talk to her as if she's on a car ride with you.  Even when I leave for work in the morning, I still yell to FeFe that momma loves her will see her later just as I say it to Gracie & Trixie as I walk out the door. 

I understand what you mean by still grieving and everyone else moving on....I am still crying today although it has only been 3 days that Cloe was put to sleep...and now I am supposed to be leaving for holidays and I don't want to spoil my husband's vacation and so I will have to do my best to put on a brave face....I will miss my dog forever and I will look forward to visiting her at the cemetary.

I wish I could just put my arms around all of you and help ease your pain.  But grief IS so very personal -- and i can tell you, that it is a process.  But one to work towards.  Many of us (and I'm in this category -- so don't think I'm preaching AT you) tend to hide or allow ourselves to 'continue' in what we know is a dysfunctional manner to protect ourselves from more hurt in this life.
 
I used to have just one dog at a time -- in fact I kicked and screamed in a BIG way when my then-husband demanded we get another dog because Prissy was MY dog (and like 14 at the time) and HE wanted one.  I knew then the big baby would just let ME take care of a new dog, but I gave in.  Mike was his dog in name only.  But I learned a valuable thing. 
 
Each dog was unique -- and my reasons for loving them were quite different.  It became easier to add the 3rd (a stray *I* brought home) and Foxy was Mr. MAJORLY Needy!!!!
 
I lost Prissy when she was 21.  I thought I would lose my mind.  There were so many things 'wrong' with how I lost her-- we were beyond broke ("poor" is when you can't afford the gas to get TO the church poverty cupboard to bring home boxes of broken cereal and dented cans of Campbell's chicken with rice soup, and too broke to have gas enough in the car to get TO the vet to ask the vet to put your 21 year old dog to sleep because it had multiple strokes and could no longer stand nor even hold it's head up).  Guilt?  Oh yeah.  Grief?  I can't even begin to tell you how I grieved ... because my grief was all mixed up with missing Prissy AND resentment towards my now-ex husband who put his own problems with bullemia (he weighed 500+ pounds and had been in treatment for months) ahead of me and our home/life.
 
My point is grief is part of a package.  Part of it is how we have learned as part of our life frame of reference "how" to deal with it.  It also is a reflection of how we see life day to day.  I know for me that's true.  How many things are "wrong" in my life generally impact my ability or inability to 'move on'.  Move on TO WHAT??? Back here -- holding on to Prissy was where I felt 'whole'.  Her love enveloped me and made me safe. 
 
FOR ME (and again I can't stress how individual this is) my journey thru 'grief' over Prissy took SEVEN YEARS.  But it took me, personally, thru the realization that part of MY reason for staying in a grief state was simply because there was nothing to move on TO.  Because more of the same that I had every single danged day was depressing beyond belief.  In essence for me it meant dealing with the spiritually and personally UNTHINKABLE solution that I had to divorce my spouse and get myself mentally healthy.
 
And the funny thing is -- it was Prissy -- many years after she died -- who helped me do exactly that.  Even five, six years after  I lost her I would still dissolve, at weak moments, into proxyms of uncontrollable weeping and sobbing, absolutely broken-hearted.  What kind of idiot WAS I? 
 
I wasn't.   I was just plain hurt.  But for me the turning point was simply accepting that they just plain don't have the life span WE do, and that often the special ones are sent to us TO CHANGE US.  So I've learned to see each one who comes into my life as "What is THIS dog here to teach me ... how will HE/SHE change ME?"
 
Two years ago I lost THREE very special, wonderful, and incredible fur friends in less than six months. Muffin the Intrepid had every 'problem' known to his breed and then some.  He was a life-long demodex dog, we conquered that.  He had every ear problem imaginable from way before WE had him, and ultimately he had to have both ears removed -- NO PROBLEMO -- he just learned to lip read and learned sign language.  Then he got cancer and conquered that!  he was the most awesome pet assisted therapy dog on the planet who cared way more about his cancer kids than ANY other human (David and I included).  He conquered it all ... and then went into renal failure and two months of h#ll.  Ask him to stay longer for me?  not a chance -- if any dog DESERVED Rainbow Bridge it was Mufferino. 
 
But I lost this indescribable animal -- one who gave and gave and gave and gave ... beyond anything I could imitate.  But pet therapy is a huge part of MY life and losing the best pet therapy dog on the planet was a death knell to MY heart.  OMG ... what now.
 
We took a little 5 month old female whatever-mix who had been beaten by her abuser with a broom -- he broke her back and she didn't walk when we took her.  I carried her in a sling next to my heart -- I took her outside in a sling, stood her up and held her while she peed and pooped and when she was too weak to do that and did it laying down I carried her inside and bathed her time after time.  We got her on her feet for a while but her injuries were just too great.  She died in our arms after just 3 months.  She had a massive stroke.  But she knew LOVE.  She knew strawberry icecream sundaes and steak ... in fact she knew good food and lots of it (she'd been starved brutally).  She saw "medicine" as LOVE -- wow they LOVE me enough to help me!!! Who knew humans could LOVE.  Wow!!! 
 
As bad as I felt after I lost Muffin ... I honestly thought I'd lose my mind after I lost Pollyanna.  THREE MONTHS.  Why?  Why why why why why.  Not fair. 
 
Reasons?  We have none.  But change me?  OH YES.  Now every single day I get to "love" is precious -- because sometimes that's all they get.  Sometimes that's all *I* get to love them.
 
Then Ms. Socks -- who had fought for her health for the six years we got to love her (she's the one who came to us with MEGA heartworm damage -- we had to take her thru treatment the 'long way' because the immiticide would have killed her) -- she finally lost her battle with cancer after many years.  We had to help her across Rainbow Bridge -- but not until she had a little time to play and nose that new ball around for a few minutes and had gorged herself on black licorice (Thanks Mom -- MY favrit!!).  But knowing she would have more and more pain every time a nodule burst we had to help her over ... but she showed me that it's the little minutes with a ball that make the difference -- that a dog in diapers could help make alzheimer's patients 'happy' and laugh.  That it's those little minutes we get with them that change us and others.
 
All 3 in less than 6 months.  And Foxy the Mostlie Sheltie (who was 17 1/2 then) said "NO WAY am I gonna be an ONLY ... I'm a herder -- NO WAY am I an 'only' dog -- GET ONE!!!" so we took him with us on our search and HE picked Billy the 'venturin English cocker spanYELL.  Yes ... FOXY picked him.
 
I lost my Foxy in March -- I had to help HIM over Rainbow Bridge too -- but heck one month shy of 19 for a sheltie is NOT shabby.  And Foxy reminded me he had BUDS  waiting for him over there and after all, he HAD found me another heart dog in Billy so HIS job could be done.  And literally after he and I had talked about Rainbow Bridge for two straight days, I held him as the vet had given him a bit of valium and then the "pink stuff".  And The Mostlie Shelties FEETS MOVED -- he was running folks ... as only a puppy can run in his sleep as he RAN over that Bridge to find Mufferino, Polly, Socks, Old Mike and Prissy. 
 
4 in less than two years.  A deep part of me would like to just plain roll over and die.  But ... how can I?  Because now Billy needs me.  (and Luna who I have not totally bonded with yet, and Kee who keeps herself somewhat reserved) -- but each one changes me -- each one makes ME better and leads me along that path to do what *I* personally need to do in this universe. 
 
Because we live longer.  So the ripples WE make with our lives go further and touch more lives.  So it takes more dogs to change ME and make ME what I need to be.  To do whatever it is I need to do. 
 
I'm married but have no human children (can't ... and that's another whole 'grief' story).  But I've learned from my 4 foots not to waste life.  They didn't.  So I shouldn't.  Too much to do.  Too many people to help.  Too many dogs to help. 
 
I hope like heck this helps someone.  Because now my face is tear streaked and my head's stuffed up.  But if the legacy Pris, Mike, Muffin, Polly, Socks and Foxy (and many others) have left me can help others, then so be it.  because as long as I can tell stories about them and spread their love further then they live on.  Tonka's star shines on ME at night too Tracy, and Glenda and I both know Rusty looks out for more than just Glenda but others who love buffy-coat cocker spanYELLS.  And I think of so many others -- not just you folks who are faithful to this thread, but Lena's Penny, and Sandra Slayton's Hunter, and so many others who have touched my life in a profound way. 
 
Holly'smom, no you aren't crazy -- it would never occur to me to put something 'out of sight' -- and I only put meds away when I have to.  IN fact, I had to go get one of Foxy's OUT the other day because Dr. D and I decided it would be **perfect** to help Billy's back right now.  Thanks Fox. 
 
Part of honoring the love they gave us is in acknowledging those small things we did - like meds, food bowls, or stars in the sky. 
 
It's probably a good thing we humans live longer -- dogs are far more emotionally 'perfect' than we are and they have less to 'learn' before they go to the hereafter.  It's gonna take Me a whole life long just to learn what I need to learn and learn to appreciate what I need to appreciate ... so here I go ... day by day.

Tear streaked face here again.  I know everyone has a story, everyone has had the heart full of love - nothing could be better - & then the heartache - feeling as if we'll never get over the pain.  Some days are ok, laughter fills our house because of the silly things Trixie & Gracie do.  Other days, not a peep can be heard because we are missing FeFe so much.  Some nights, it's all I can do to not cry myself to sleep.
 
FeFe changed me.  She was with me in every stage... high school, living at home, getting married & moving to my own house... finding out who I am, what I believe in.  Happy & sad moments, she was there all the way, wagging her fluffy tail, licking me on my nose.  I'll probably never be able to fully explain HOW she changed me but the fact is, I know it was her unconditional love that got me through.  She was/is my pride & joy.  I love my other furry kids to pieces but I know deep down, it won't ever be the same.

  I also don't like to visit this part of the forum; Jessie is our first dog and we love her so much I cannot bear the thought of losing her; at least when the time does come I know there will be all of you to offer support. That's the part of being a member of idog that I'm most proud of; the wonderful support that members receive.
  bragg I'm so sorry for your loss; I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with your grief. When we lose a member of our family, and that's what she was, it will never be the same but with time it will hurt less. Don't be in a hurry to dispose of her medications and things like her toys and bed until you're truly ready to do so. I'm sending you lots of <<< HUGS >>> and hope each new day is a little less painful than the last.

Thanks jessiesmom... getting words of support on here, hearing how I'm not really 'crazy' for feeling this way helps a lot.  I know one day it won't be as painful.  Sometimes, I think I'm actually having a good day and then it backfires.  I know Pam, Tracy, Tina and others that have had to deal with the loss of their furry babies feel the same way.  I'm really glad I found this forum.  I never knew support like this existed.  I wrote something on a friend's website before only to be told to stop comparing my 'dog' to a child and get over it already. 

My bond with Fe was so strong that I know I will never have that with another.  I've still got her stuff everywhere, I don't know that I'll ever put it away.  Hubby wants to buy a huge poster type frame and frame her little tshirts & jerseys to hang somewhere in the house.  I like that idea. 

I hope we can all continue to talk about our babies, the happiness they brought to our lives.  And I pray the pain goes away.