Wondering how to deal... still grieving

Let me know when you find out.  Its been 3 weeks for me and feels like a lifetime.  My husband decided we needed a puppy.  Well we got her this weekend and sent me downward in a spiral...the puppy helps DH and she helps my other dog tho, maybe she is helping me and I just don't know it.   I do feel totally exhausted from puppy potty training on top of my already fragile condition.  I feel it was the totally wrong thing to do right now.

I understand your feelings about being stuck in your grief.  We lost our boy just over 6 months ago, and while I'm not collapsing with sobs like I used to, the tears can come to my eyes easily, depending on the day, the trigger, my mood.
 
I think I "bring people down," too, especially people right around me, so I concentrate on keeping my outward grief to a minimum.  In fact, I think if you asked my co-workers, neighbors, most friends and family, they would say I'm "back to my old self."  But as someone else said to me recently, we have no way of knowing what's in someone's heart, regardless of outward appearances.  So, I do my grieving in private, as even my husband got tired of my extended "problems."  I guess some of us just take more time to get through it.
 
I will say that the last 6 weeks or so seem to be much better.  I don't know if it's because I've had a lot of other things going on in my life to distract me (houseguests, work and volunteer projects, a new baby in our extended family, etc.).  Another acquaintance of ours who lost their dog told me that it was 6 months before they really started to feel "normal" again.  However, in the still moments, especially at night as I turn off lights and get into bed, my heart feels as heavy as ever, and I would give a million dollars just to hold Tonka's head in my hands even for a minute.
 
When Tonka was well, I would've visited this part of the forum only periodically, yet now it's the first place I check.  I feel more connected to people in this situation I guess.  And without a dog in my life right now, I don't always feel I have much to contribute elsewhere.  But I'm not willing to leave everyone on this site entirely -- they were so supportive during the horrible months preceding and following Tonka's death, and I like to check in on everyone.
 
At any rate, know that others feel just as you do.  I'm always touched when I read your posts about FeFe, even if I don't post a reply.  Sometimes I only have a moment to log on and read a few minutes before getting interrupted again.  But so many people who've lost their precious furbabies are always in the back of mind.
 
Watch over your family, FeFe -- they still miss you and are struggling to adjust to life without you.

Pam, my next stop was to check your thread and see how you were doing, if you got the new pup, etc.  I'll send you a note directly.

removing  threads due to a pm I received.

I remember Johnny Carson (about the death of his son) saying you will think about him every day and it will hurt like the devil.
 
In 1985, we PTS my beloved norweigan elkhound - Keish - who was with me for 13 years as a teenager and my 20's. I remember it was so hard, my mother sank into depression for over a year and said "never ever will I have a dog again".   A dog did walk into her life 15 years later and she loves her today altho she is somewhat guarded.  10 years later, Holly came into my life and became my 2nd heartdog.  I think when Holly claimed my heart, I let go of Keish.
 
I was thinking about how Keish and Holly are going to jump me when I get there.
 
At fisrt I thought, its been "3 days w/o her", then I turned it around and started saying "its 3 days less til I see her agian".  I turn 50 in 2 weeks, I used to get depressed that half my life is over, now I am eager to get to the end to see them again.   

Missy, I'm sorry I didn't see your original post, sometimes I don't come on to this thread because I may be emotionally fragile. But the only way to get over the grief is to talk about it to anyone who will listen and time. The hard part about losing a pet is most people think you are a kook, so that's why this board should be your shoulder. 4 months, 4 days 4 years. there is no time limit. Look around and find a beautiful peaceful place, start bringing flowers, plant some seeds, sit and eat your lunch there maybe her favorite, like a piece of your cheeseburger, bring some toys, some of her treats. Talk to her (not out loud) idoggers will have to come and get you out of the loony bin lol. The treats will be eaten by the other animals and the toys will be used by them too. Write her a letter telling her what she meant to you and leave it there, someone will pick it up and maybe it will help them.
Just be gentle with yourself, pamper yourself a little.
you can pm me anytime.

ORIGINAL: debv53

Missy, I'm sorry I didn't see your original post, sometimes I don't come on to this thread because I may be emotionally fragile. But the only way to get over the grief is to talk about it to anyone who will listen and time. The hard part about losing a pet is most people think you are a kook, so that's why this board should be your shoulder. 4 months, 4 days 4 years. there is no time limit. Look around and find a beautiful peaceful place, start bringing flowers, plant some seeds, sit and eat your lunch there maybe her favorite, like a piece of your cheeseburger, bring some toys, some of her treats. Talk to her (not out loud) idoggers will have to come and get you out of the loony bin lol. The treats will be eaten by the other animals and the toys will be used by them too. Write her a letter telling her what she meant to you and leave it there, someone will pick it up and maybe it will help them.
Just be gentle with yourself, pamper yourself a little.
you can pm me anytime.

 
I am also sorry I didn't see your post. I too only come here rarely because I ALWAYS end up crying and I'm usually at work so it can cause some embarrassment when co-workers walk by and see me bawling my eyes out.
 
We lost Toby last summer (July 28th to be exact) and it was devasting. Surprisingly, it was my mom who took it the hardest. Most everyone thought it would be me because all of our dogs have always been "my" dogs, but I had moved out and my mom was the one who cared for him in his last years. She was the one who was with him every day. It took her over 7 months to even be able to speak his name without breaking down. Even now, it's very hard for her, but it's easier. I am so very sorry for your loss and I dread the day that I again have to lose a pet. My thoughts are with you and know that Fefe is having a blast up there with all those other dogs, just waiting for you.

I didn't really expect any replies but thought I'd check when I got home from work this evening... I'm sitting here with huge tears in my eyes after reading the posts.  I can't thank you enough... Pam, Tracy, Darla and Debbie.  
 
When Pam talks about how she feels it might have been too soon to get the puppy... that's how I felt when we got Trixie.  When I found myself laughing at her or smiling after she licked every inch of my face... I would feel guilty.  I began grieving for FeFe long before she passed away because I knew it was going to happen & I didn't know how I'd even go on.  I knew last September when my vet saw her and after her 2nd opinion in October, I sank into such depression.  Also, when Pam said she was counting the days until she's with Holly again... I sort of do the same thing.  I went out to her grave a month after she passed and just begged her to come to me in a dream...  just show me she's ok.  She did.   I felt more at peace after the dream because I know she's not sick anymore... but there are still times I feel that sick knot in my gut because I know I have to go on without her.  It may not seem right now but the puppy might be more help to you later on.... Trixie reminds us of a young FeFe... and we point out every little teenie thing she does that looks or sounds like Fe.
 
When Tracy said she'd give a million dollars to hold Tonka's head in her hands for even a minute... oh boy, do I feel the same way.  If I could just have one more kiss on my nose, see her wag her tail when I speak to her, bathe her after one more roll in poopie, snuggle up to her just once more.  I've often said I'd give an arm or a leg (and even saw them off myself) if I could just have more time with her.  I feel guilty for any time I ever went on vacation without her or had to leave her alone while I was at work.  I've been crying since I read all these responses.  Night time is lonely but I see I'm not the only one that feels that way.  Fe has been watching over us... I believe she's the reason Trixie ended up at the bottom of our pool the first day she was with us (Hubby says Fe pushed her in lol she could be a bully at times).
 
When Darla said what her son told her... you'll never get over it but you will learn to live with it.  I know it's true... I have been blessed because I haven't experienced much loss in my life which is probably why its so hard.  My husband lost his mom when he was 19, his grandpa 2 and 1/2 weeks later and I STILL don't know how he managed to go on. 
 
And Debbie... if you would hear some of the crazy things I think and sometimes say, I'm surprised idoggers haven't already bailed me out of the looney bin lol.   I wouldn't wash the sheets on our bed for months and finally the only reason I did is because Trixie had pooped in her diaper (that's a whole 'nother story related to FeFe) and some came out onto the sheets.  I talk to FeFe every day & night.  Sometimes I just go out there to sit with her.  I sleep every night with the stuffed animal she used to hump all the time. 
 
I really do thank you for sharing this stuff with me.  It does make me feel not so crazy.... I'm sorry tho that you all have had to go thru this.  It's such a helpless feeling.  It's nice to be able to talk about her... from the sad to the funny.  I needed this.

I am also sorry I didn't see your post. I too only come here rarely because I ALWAYS end up crying and I'm usually at work so it can cause some embarrassment when co-workers walk by and see me bawling my eyes out.

We lost Toby last summer (July 28th to be exact) and it was devasting. Surprisingly, it was my mom who took it the hardest. Most everyone thought it would be me because all of our dogs have always been "my" dogs, but I had moved out and my mom was the one who cared for him in his last years. She was the one who was with him every day. It took her over 7 months to even be able to speak his name without breaking down. Even now, it's very hard for her, but it's easier. I am so very sorry for your loss and I dread the day that I again have to lose a pet. My thoughts are with you and know that Fefe is having a blast up there with all those other dogs, just waiting for you.

 
Sylvia... I do the same thing every time I come here... the tears won't stop.  I'm so sorry to hear about Toby and also sorry to hear the toll it took on your mom.  I've been the opposite of her tho... if I don't talk about FeFe or feel like others (family) are forgetting her, I go to pieces.  I really hope she is doing better and I also dread the day I'll have to face this again.  Hopefully, none of us will have to for years and years.
 
Thanks again for responding... it helps so much to talk to people who understand.

First, I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I've been there too many times to count now, losing a furry friend or soulmate. Everyone here knows that hurt, I expect. I'm also sorry that I didn't get to respond immediately. Your post may have sounded depressing, but then it was an honest post with honest feelings and you needed to express those.
 
Every person deals with loss and grief differently. There are stages we all go through, but the pace with which we move from moment of loss to realization that you feel okay again differs. I've gone for a few years between dogs or between cats when it seemed impossible to love another as well again. On the other hand, when I lost Shiloh to cancer, I was surprised to find myself wanting another Shepherd immediately. Within two weeks I had Akaya and her existence brought me joy during the hardest days of grief -- her name means "healing spirit." I grieved every day yet I smiled too. For some reason, I needed that healing spirit to help me get on with my life after I lost my furry soul mate. Then, when Ruffy died in March - unexpectedly and while we were on vacation without her - I couldn't imagine having another dog as fantastic and full of personality as she was, yet within a couple weeks I was starting to search for another Cocker because I missed that Cocker personality so much. I don't understand this within myself - that I can want another after having just lost one so dear to me - but it seems to be the way I  heal best now. At the same time, this is far from how others feel. We're all different.
 
When I lost Shiloh, I knew I was going to lose her to cancer and I began a journal of every thought I had, every change in her, the things that made her unique among all our dogs, etc. etc. It's been two years and I can say I've healed almost entirely, but I'm so glad I started that journal the day I found out she had cancer. Now and then I still make an entry to show my progress getting over the loss, or to leave written word of a memory that just passed through me. When our Cocker Ruffy died two months ago, I began a journal about her as well. I miss her greatly - she was perhaps the most human of all our pets. The days of having Ruffy and Shi together are long gone now with two other pets (and in a few months, a new Cocker) keeping me busy and happy. My grief over each loss I've had over all the years I've had pets is at different stages. I still cry at times for the loss of my Shepherd who died the day Elvis Presley did, but I don't cry when I think of Sassy or Whisper or...and they meant just as much to me during their life with me.
 
Those who have loved pets dearly and lost them know how grief wraps around us and how a person new to a loss must struggle to deal with it. Those who have passed through it and come out the other end know that you will one day look back and realize, looking at all you've gone through, that you are indeed doing better. Your sadness is real and right for you. Allow yourself to feel all that you feel and think all that you think. Don't feel you have to be "over" it.  Don't ever feel that way. While not all people understand what you are feeling, many most definitely do.
 
I've been there but I was in my shoes, not yours. Still, I know how overwhelming it all is to lose a dear furry friend and my heart goes out to you and all the others posting about their losses.

You are so lucky that Fefe came to you in your dream.  I am still waiting.  Onyx my 21 year old cat died in Jan and he came back 2 days later.  I wonder why Holly won't come.  My SIL who loved Holly dearly told me she saw Holly walk around the corner yesterday downstairs, boy did that start my bawling.  In Jan, I walked around with a candle releasing Onyx's spirit.  I alos did it for Holly but maybe I didn;t mean it and maybe she is still here.  Some other lady posted that she actually saw her dog jump on the bed with the footprints on the bedspread.
I really like the idea of taking her fav food.  I will be seeing her grave for the first time for a solid week next week, I will do just that.  My coworkers don;t know what condition they will find me in, usually red-eyed and crying.  My team is all men so I lie and tell them I have allergies. My women co-workers know the truth, they have all lost dogs too.  My makeup is gone 1 hour later, I look a mess.
 
I am glad you  started this thread too.  

I am very sorry for your loss.  I, too, like to check this section because I lost my Shari only 7 weeks ago and I know how much it hurts.  This is a good place to express the pain because we idoggers feel the same way about our pets - they are our family members.
 

And without a dog in my life right now, I don't always feel I have much to contribute elsewhere.

 
Yes, I feel like this at times, too, but it does help me to read and laugh at other stories of silly things pets do.  I know that someday I will have another dog, but I need a little more time to grieve.

Linda... I'm sorry for your loss of Shiloh and Ruffy and all the little furbabies before.  I did the very same thing with a journal. My hubby started this too, writing something on his palm pilot every day about her.  It seems like the things he wrote triggered even more memories.  I think this thread, for me, is therapy.  Reassurance that what I'm going through is normal, that others have been here and that my reason for grieving is valid.... it's a real for all of us. 
 
I took Fe to work with me when we first found out she was sick.  How I talked my boss into it, I'll never know (he's not an animal person but I think the other girls at the office helped convince him).  Fe would mostly sleep under my desk.  I wanted her near me at all times.  Now people are asking me how she's doing and I have to tell them she's not here anymore (and the crying begins).  One lady looked at me with this blank stare... then she says 'I love my dog and all but it's not like my kids'.  I'd go the extra mile for my dogs and I know when/if we have kids, I'd do the same for them.  She asked what hubby thinks of all this (I suppose she wanted me to say he wants me to get over it) and I said he's having just as hard of a time, that was his baby girl too. I just don't understand why it's so hard for some people to grasp? 
 
Pam, I believe when you walked with a candle releasing Holly's spirit... maybe, like you said, you didn't mean it.  Everyone kept telling me when I was ready to see FeFe, she'd come to me.  I thought... I've BEEN ready.  Hubby dreamed right away and I know that gave him peace but it upset me that I didn't see her.  A while after the first dream, I had another.  This time, I dreamed hubby & I were renewing our vows and she was the flower dog... with a little circle of flowers sitting on her head, dressed in a cute white dress that matched mine and walking around (as she usually did when she was dressed up) knowing she was the star of the show.  I woke up smiling.  I wish I could dream good things all the time but I mostly wake up having relived the day she passed. 
 
I remember other 'family' dogs that passed when I was younger... it was actually one of those family dogs that was hit by a car that brought FeFe into my life.  I will say this... Fe made me a better person and has changed my life.  I miss her kisses when I'm sad like this.  She brightened my days.
 
I'm really glad we are sharing stories like this... it helps a lot to hear from you guys.

Tina, I'm so sorry for your loss too.  I didn't realize there were so many here that have lost furry babies so recently.