I don#%92t post here anymore, never posted that much to begin with to be truthful, and it might seem presumptuous of me to do so now. But I lost my dog yesterday and felt the need to post this on a forum with other people who love dogs as much as I do.
Due to a recurring health problem I had to make the choice to put my dog, Sam, to sleep yesterday morning. It was and will always remain one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever done – I did nt actually know I could cry this much.
He overcame a bad start in life full of abuse, poor health and neglect and came to trust and be with me in a way I had no right or hope to expect. When I went through a period of depression his presence and love truly saved my life and sanity, his barking when strangers come near our part of the block of flats we live in alerted us to two men trying to beat and rape a young girl – and scared them away before they could actually rape her. He became a friend to Amy, an abandoned puppy, we took in and became more gentle, playful and accepting with her than I thought a dog could be. Despite disliking most people and responding with aggression to most, life taught him that people could be cruel and were not to be trusted, he became an amazingly good natured dog with me and would take endless amounts of Amy jumping on him, pulling his ears and chasing him. He only really accepted a couple of other people, but his demeanour changed if he saw kids – he would become incredibly careful, aware and gentle around them. A gentle, loving, sweet, playful, clown of a dog. He filled my days with unconditional love and joy, and came into my life when I needed it the most.
The flat seems empty and quiet in a way I have not known it before, even with Amy and Al and Lucy (my two cats) doing their thing. And every single miniscule part of my routine and life has changed –singing along badly to the radio will never be the same as he would join in with me and howl along. Sitting at the pc and looking down and the space where he used to curl up under the pc table is empty. Even opening the fridge has changed as the second that door opened, no matter where he was in the flat, he would be sitting there next to Amy tail wagging hoping to get something. That dog could have won an obedience competition if food was involved. Walking past the cats play area where Al, my Persian cat, used to delight in sitting behind the safety of a large glass sliding door intently staring Sam out as if to say na na na you can#%92t get me.
This morning when he was not there playing with Amy by the front door waiting to go out was so painful. Amy is subdued without Sam, and I am sitting here thinking that Sam who has become a part of me has really gone. I know I made the only decision I could for him and that after seeing him worsen over the last week that keeping him going would only have been selfish. I know, well I hope and pray, that as the sedative kicked in the last thing he heard was me telling him I loved him and that I was sorry and that he felt me stroking his head. But I miss him, I really really miss him. I don#%92t usually dream and hardly ever remember them – but last night I dreamt of him and I woke up and there was a split second before the realisation kicked in.
Thank you for having this space here and I apologise for the amount I have written. I am not normally one to express myself like this, especially so emotionally and to people who have no idea who I am. But the feelings are very raw right now and I needed to say to people, even though they do nt know me or him what an amazing dog he was and how much he means to me.
Thank you for having been a part of my life Sam, you will always be a part of it. And thank you again for having this space here.