My Michelle

I can't imagine it must be so completely overwhelming the grief.  I could barely bare to have her sick.  I just can't imagine waking up and not having her there one day.  You guys are just so courageous and an example of handling this with dignity. 

In some ways seeing her so sick those last three weeks as I hoped and hoped the meds would work was worse than her being gone.   I spent 3 wks by her side 24/7 - those were the hardest days of my life.   I missed her terribly the 8 days between her and Prancer, I thought I was going to lose my mind - the house was so empty and so lifeless - just horrible.   But I knew she was out of the dreadful mental agony she had been in, and that helped to some degree.   When Prancer came along 8 days after Michelle died she gave me new meaning - and THEN I could look past those last 3 weeks which had haunted me and start to celebrate Michelle's life.
I still tear up when I think about her, but at the same time my eyes are welling up my lips are smiling because I remember all her silly little habits and those great big wet cocker spaniel kisses.

When Prancer came along 8 days after Michelle died she gave me new meaning - and THEN I could look past those last 3 weeks which had haunted me and start to celebrate Michelle's life. I still tear up when I think about her, but at the same time my eyes are welling up my lips are smiling because I remember all her silly little habits and those great big wet cocker spaniel kisses.

 
Even after we adopted Trixie, I couldn't bare to look past the months we spent taking care of and worrying ourselves sick over FeFe, not knowing if we should put her to sleep? Would she pass on her own? and then once she did pass away, I couldn't get past that last day, the last moments.  That haunted me for such a long time. 
 
Not long after the year anniversary of FeFe's passing, I decided she would not be a happy girl knowing I was remaining in that emotional rut --- so I made a conscious decision to be upbeat & happy because she was a worry wart when I was upset.  I still have those days where the tears flow easily.  I think we all will.  But the good thing is, we will always have memories with them and for a while, we got to experience the good life.  []

Hi Joanne and everyone else;
Yesterday was 1 month since Lilly has been gone and it feels like it has been an eternity without her.  It was really hard to let her go because she was so young.  The lawn where she peed is a constant reminder of her; the grass was destroyed and has burnt dead spots because of the pain medicines in her urine...if it done that to the grass, what was it doing to her insides.  I still question the "what ifs" and miss her teribbly.  
 
I was given an opportunity to adopt a 4 year old Golden Retriever but I couldn't do it...I felt that my love for Lilly was too strong to share, atleast for now. 
 
I still have the urge to rush home (to tend to Lilly) when we are out and I catch myself pushing food away from the edge of the counters..it's all by habit.  
 
It'a a horrible grief that I don't know when and if I will ever get over.  That day, I found strength in the vets recommendation but that only lasted until the minute she was gone and I have been weak ever since.
 
I'm sorry we all share this aweful pain.

I know how difficult it is, believe me.   For me I just HAD to have a dog in the house - when I said I felt I would "lose my mind" I was serious.   I've been through several bouts of clinical depression and it felt exactly the same - entering that "deep dark space" ...
We will always have the "what if's" and as hard as it is, we have to face the fact that all the "what if's" in the world won't bring our babies back, we just have to be patient and wait until we can see them again (hopefully long long into the future, we don't need to rush ourselves - the next step is eternity, and that's a long enough time to be with them again).
When your heart is ready to love another you'll know, and right now you're not ready and that's ok.   Please try and focus on the wonderful time that Lilly DID have - that YOU gave to her.    Someone else probably would have given up on her sooner, you stuck by her side - and she had many many many wonderful moments all because of YOU and you alone, and I know she's thankful for that.
 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Michelle is running free at the bridge, happy and healthy again. [sm=angel.gif]

ORIGINAL: BJW
I still have the urge to rush home (to tend to Lilly) when we are out and I catch myself pushing food away from the edge of the counters..it's all by habit. 

Both these comments hit close to home for me.  I remember being in the grocery store one day after work (a few weeks after Tonka died), and I realized I was pushing the cart down the aisle at a frantic pace, so I could hurry home to make sure he didn't go any longer than necessary without a potty break.  All of a sudden, I stopped in my tracks and said to myself, "Why are you hurrying?  He's not here anymore."  It took great effort not to collapse into sobs right there in the aisle.  Instead, I resumed pushing my cart, at a sad and slower pace. 
 
As for the kitchen counters, it took months before I stopped pushing little bits of chopped vegetables to the side of the cutting board to give to Tonka.  And out of habit, I stood to one side of it while I was chopping, because he was always right at my hip, waiting for his hand-out of carrots or broccoli. 
 
Even now, almost 18 months later, I still catch myself doing certain things that were ingrained in my routine with him.  But, in an odd way, it's comforting, almost like he's still here, still affecting my daily life.  I guess we have to remind ourselves that we're so deeply affected by their absence because our lives were profoundly affected by their presence.

I guess we have to remind ourselves that we're so deeply affected by their absence because our lives were profoundly affected by their presence.

 
That is BEAUTIFUL - and so true.  They are a part of us now and always will be.  We may not be able to see them, smell them or touch them, but they are part of our very hearts - and they will ALWAYS live there.
I know I'll always talk to Michelle - especially when it comes to Prancer. 
 
My husband and I joke that Michelle left a little doggy diary or book behind for "the new dog" to read.   Prancer keeps pulling these stunts that are SO Michelle like - we have to laugh.
 
Some of the most frequent things you'll hear us say is:
"Hey Moosh, are you watching this ????" and
"Guess Prancer got to THAT chapter in Michelle's book !"
 
 
 

JoAnne and Tracy--I just wanted you both to know your dogs are still very much alive thru your memories and stories.  I think of those two, Michelle and Tonka every day.

Even now, almost 18 months later, I still catch myself doing certain things that were ingrained in my routine with him.  But, in an odd way, it's comforting, almost like he's still here, still affecting my daily life.  I guess we have to remind ourselves that we're so deeply affected by their absence because our lives were profoundly affected by their presence.

 
Gosh Tracy, you hit the nail on the head.  That was the best description of how & why they are still able to touch our lives in both life and death.  I'm thinking of borrowing it for my signature line - with your name from it. []  It's very true what you said though... I feel comfort when I think of her... not a day goes by without thinking of her and the life we had.
 
The rushed feeling of needing to get home... I noticed that when my FIL was visiting us the other day.  He kept looking at his watch saying he needed to get home to Odie and I sat there thinking 'been there, done that'.  There were times I wouldn't go anywhere (out with friends, to ballgames, etc) because I was afraid to leave FeFe alone for an extended period of time.  We even made grocery shopping a race, hurry up and get home.  And then I'd feel relief as soon as I walked in the door seeing her. 
 

My husband and I joke that Michelle left a little doggy diary or book behind for "the new dog" to read.   Prancer keeps pulling these stunts that are SO Michelle like - we have to laugh.

JoAnne, that's what we think when we witness Trixie ull a "FeFe move".  When Fe was unable to climb the stairs to the doggie door... I'd carry her out for potty time and when she was finished, she'd stand at the bottom of the steps and bark once (like - ok, all done! now come and get me!) If I didn't move fast enough, she'd bark once again.  Trixie was outside a few nights ago, sitting at the bottom of the steps.  Normally, she barks several times (like a run on sentence lol) but this time, she gave out one bark and sounded so much like FeFe's that the hair stood up on my arms - DH and I just stared at each other.  She trots through the doggie door almost prancing, just like FeFe did.  There's a ton of similarities and I think that's why I was instantly drawn to her.  She was a total mess before we adopted her, couldn't see her eyes for all the long, matted fur -- but when she gave me a smooch on the nose as I held her (another FeFe thing) that got me.  I think there things that are just meant to be.  For you, it's Prancer... for us, it's Trixie. 
 

JoAnn, your post really touched me. I'm just reading this, and I'm truly teary-eyed after reading your posts, and looking at the sweet, sweet pictures of your Michelle in her doggy bed. I'm so sorry for your loss. Michelle was a very lucky girl to have you as her mom.

Normally, she barks several times (like a run on sentence lol) but this time, she gave out one bark and sounded so much like FeFe's that the hair stood up on my arms - DH and I just stared at each other. She trots through the doggie door almost prancing, just like FeFe did.

 
See - they DO leave manuals behind !!!   I KNEW it !!!
 

JoAnn, your post really touched me. I'm just reading this, and I'm truly teary-eyed after reading your posts, and looking at the sweet, sweet pictures of your Michelle in her doggy bed.

 
Thank you MissMandy - she was a very special girl.   When I think about how much she grew emotionally with us and how much happiness was shared between her and her people I can't help but smile.   It took quite awhile to get to this stage, and I think posting about her really helped me get there.  
Did you read about her Miracle in the "Spiritual Circle" ?  She was one special girl.
That bed was one of her favorite places in the world.   It was her bed up at our summer cabin near Monticello NY before we moved to Florida.  She LOVED the cabin - we used to call it "the place with the smells" because of all the sniffing she did catching up on all the wildlife up there.    She and I used to spend Sunday's there by ourselves - "Sunday afternoon nap" was one of our favorite "activities" there.   We'd both get on the sofa (jockeying for space LOL) and cuddle for an hour or so.  I think that bed had "special meaning" for her once we moved to Florida (and of course the bed had to come ! even tho we had 3 others for her LOL).
 
Yeah, she was my special girl .... she always will be .... I may have made some mistakes with her, but I know the good outweighed the bad and that she had a wonderful life, and thats about the best any of us could ask for.

Run free, Michelle.