Jersey Check-In!!!!!

 It's my last day here in New Jersey, and it's bittersweet. This week has gone by much too fast, and I've grown used to sharing a bed with someone again.

Thanksgiving wasn't exactly the best, and I discovered some things that are disheartening....not about Jon, but his family.

His mother doesn't approve of him dating a black girl, nor does she care for the fact that I have Tourettes. I heard them shouting this past Sunday...he told me it was about grades. Last night he told me it was really about me.

I don't like being a point of contention.

I insulted the vast majority of his family (unintentionally), because I don't like strange people to hug or touch me....and they're huggers and touchers. I flinched...a lot. His Uncle hates my attitude about school...I avoided all major points of contention such as politics and religion, but school is a big one for me. I hate to talk about it.

I was told the same thing I've been told my entire life....I'm a smart girl, and to not finish is a waste.

Maybe....maybe not.

All I know is that I am just a midwestern girl that lives in a small ranch house in suburbia, and I cannot compete with all of their big houses, and acreage, and fancy cars. I love Jon very very much, but I do not fit in with his family....and they don't seem to want me to.

 They're loss if they don't want you in the family.

Believe me, I know how it feels to be not wanted by the SO's family.. Alex's family hates me with a passion because I stand up for my self and speak my mind.  They wanted him to have a girl who did what she was told and just stood back outta the picture.

Alex turned down the offer of a free flight to go home, which has been a dream of his since he was 7, BUT he had to leave me behind. He didn't do it and we're happier this way.

As for school. The choice is yours. Only you know what you want to do with your life.  

It's not a competition with Jon's family. So what if they have the houses, cars and acreage. You have Jon and he loves you.

In my mind, that's all the matters in the end.

oranges81

As for school. The choice is yours. Only you know what you want to do with your life.  

It's not a competition with Jon's family. So what if they have the houses, cars and acreage. You have Jon and he loves you.

In my mind, that's all the matters in the end.

Ditto!!

My DH's mom doesn't like me, but at the end I live with her son, not with her, so is not a big deal. Even though we latinamerican people are tight when talking about family... the only thing that matters is my choice and DH's choice. The rest will blow away.

I think you should keep your beautiful smile and John's arms around you. At the end, is that what is really importat.

Xeph - please, please, please keep your chin up! All that matters is that Jon loves you, and you love him! If his family can't handle you being you, then they are not a good family. You and Jon are happy together, and that is all that matters to the people that care!

 I'm sitting here in the airport, Jon's flight has left already, I'm hoping for an earlier flight home. I've done little else but cry off and on for the last 6 hours, and it feels silly.

His mother won't state her disapproval to my face, and she is civil to me (even gave me a hug and a kiss on each cheek before we left), which is really all I want. I thanked her for her hospitality, and will be writing a letter while I wait here in the airport, thanking his parents for their generosity.

Jon's chosen a career path that will take him away from me for months, or even years at a time, and I found myself asking the question "Can I do this for the next thirty to forty years?"

And the answer that came was "There's no way I can't."

We were supposed to get up at 9:30 this morning to finish packing so we could be out of the house by noon. We didn't get up until half past 10, took our time packing, and still got out of the house by noon.

I woke up before him (I always seem to), and I did what I'd become accustomed to in the last week. I watched him sleep. His lips twitch, and he smiles. I rubbed his hair, and I stroked his jaw, and of course, I cried. He always takes longer to wake up than I do, but he keeps the same routine. He opens his eyes, rumbles, and then rolls them in my direction, and we just look at each other for awhile.

"We should get up," I said.
"Mmm," he rumbled and nodded.
"Do you want to?"
He only shook his head no, and I ran my hands through his hair awhile longer.

Texts are highly unsatisfying, though we kept speaking until he had to shut his phone off, and it is very hard not feeling so alone when for the last week he was standing behind me holding me, or I was standing behind him holding him. I have no lap to sit in, no shoulder to lean on, no lips on my forehead, and no fingers to wipe away my tears like he did this morning.

This hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced, and it is neither a good hurt nor a bad one...it just hurts.

Yup been where you are on the tons of contact then nothing for weeks/months before.  It's tough, but the coming back together parts are always wonderful.  I'm also one who will get on the phone and just be on the phone with DH (then BF) for hours, not saying much but knowing he's there - headsets and unlimited nights were my best friends when we had to be apart. When you love someone, they'll always be with you in some form or other, even if you want the physical presence, at least you'll have something. :) ((hugs))

Xeph, I can't tell you how to handle this, but you love each other dearly, and a strong love will hold thru it all.

((hugs))

And, just remember all those smiles! A smile is the prettiest thing on your face!

I'm home, but I'm not home.

On the flight from Newark to Chicago I had a major panic attack.  I knew something wasn't quite right when I experienced the world's smoothest takeoff (the pilot must of had magic fingertips).  My ears didn't pop, I didn't experience the nauseating sensation of freefall once the plane started to settle, and the lights below were beautiful (I flew out at 7 PM).

I made it about three quarters through the flight, crying off and on listening to the music on my iPod.  I was trying to quell the rolling in my stomach.  I've never been airsick in my life, and it was very uncomfortable.  The gum in my mouth was sickeningly sweet, so I spit it into the paper bag in front of me.

I thought I felt a little better, and leaned forward to rest against my seat.  Helped a little, but not enough, and my fingers started to tingle.  I had a window seat, which is what I prefer, so I looked out the window and leaned against it, hoping the pane would be cold.

It wasn't.

The guy next to me was concerned, but I couldn't understand anything he was saying, and eventually he and the woman next to me got up and called for help, at which point I unbuckled my seatbelt so I could slump forward and not aspirate in the case I vomited.

We weren't more than 35 minutes from Chicago, and the oxygen mask they gave me helped, though all the stress made my Tourettes kick into overdrive.

They took me to the hospital, and I ended up missing my flight home...insert second freakout here.

I called Thurber first, because his family is in Chicago (though I expected him to be back in Green Bay already).  Long story short, he and his mum picked me up and took me out for some food at an IHOP.  I hadn't eaten anything but a piece of Lemon poundcake from the Newark airport Starbucks at 5:32 that evening (and I didn't even want that).  They picked me up a little after midnight.

Mum ended up bringing Andreas, Austin, and Maggie to Chicago to get me from the airport so I could come home.

But after I gave mum a Thurber quick calls, I called Jon.....and I just cried.  And cried.  ....and cried.

I didn't get home until 6 AM, and when I walked in my room and saw my bed, for the first time in my life, I didn't feel relief.  I just cried.  I looked at that big empty bed and I sobbed until I felt sick (which wasn't hard, since I already was).

I woke up this morning, rolled over and opened my eyes expecting to see his face there for me to touch...to run my hand over rough stubble...and when I remembered he wasn't, I cried some more.

I keep staring at the ring on my finger, spinning it intermittently, counting the days until I see him again.  I never thought that my home wouldn't feel like home.  That I would feel like an alien in the house I grew up in.  Home isn't here anymore though, and it doesn't really even hurt.

I had an absolutely hellish night, and out of all the crying I did, 99% of it was because he wasn't with me.

I don't know how people handle feeling this way.

I've had one panic attack myself (and on a plane nonetheless) and it wasn't near as bad as yours but yeesh they are sooooo scary. ((hugs))

I've not experienced the severe lonliness it sounds like you're dealing with, but here's one thing that might help: get Jon to send you a shirt or hoodie he's worn - it'll smell like him and depending on what he sends you might even be able to wear it around the house.  When now-DH accidentally left his hoodie at my place on one of his visits I swear I could almost feel the hug when I was all snuggled up in it.  Scent can be soooo comforting.

I've also had good luck taking up the extra space in my bed with a big stuffed animal (or body pillow I suppose) - it seems waaay too empty when DH is traveling on business and this takes some of that feeling away. 

Several summers ago (when I had to go about 3 months w/o seeing now-DH) I combined both the shirt and stuffed animal and that certainly made me feel more secure at night.

HTH - believe it or not the loneliness will subside a bit with time.  Try to keep yourself busy so you can't just wallow or obsess about the current feelings.

get Jon to send you a shirt or hoodie he's worn - it'll smell like him and depending on what he sends you might even be able to wear it around the house.

He sent me home with two.  One is still in my luggage, I wore the other on the plane along with his ring (that I can't stop fidgeting with)

In spite of all that, you're going to be alright. You have love and that is everything.

And yes, I've had panic attacks. I don't like tornados. And I live in the heart of tornado alley. I've had a couple skip overhead. Granted, mine is not coupled with depression, like you have. But you've got a loving man in your heart, and you are in his. And troop of people here who see nothing but the good in you.

Honestly Xeph, if Jon's parents can't accept you and love for who you are, it's their loss. I'm sure they'll come around when they realize how happy he is. I don't understand why so many MILs seem to dislike their DILs anyway.  You'd think if their sons were happy and with someone they loved and who loved them, that would be enough. (And if anyone wants my oldest one,  just PM me.  I'll ship him.)

Joyce

That's what love is sometimes: from the highest high to the lowest low.  Pick yourself up as best you can and start a new countdown till you see him again.

As far as his family, just let it go and don't try to please anyone but the ones who love you and that you love in return.  My MIL, may she rest in peace, was nice on the outside but often let cruel little things drop out of her mouth concerning me and all my many faults.  I just kept reminding myself that they live far,far away.    Hang in there for the better times.

ron2

And troop of people here who see nothing but the good in you.

\

HERE HERE! Three cheers to that statement!

Xeph, I have panic attacks as well - I cannot get a shot. I freak out at the thought(kinda like now). I almost hit the women who gave me my last shot.

I'm sending good vibes your way!

 Ok, well, now she apparently likes me....I'm confused