Training, but not your dog

 I know some people like this idea, but to me, it's

My husband actually encourages me to use more positive reenforcement..... 

I think the basic ideas are legit, but the way she discusses them she comes off sounding like a total... booger. (btw, HOLY GEEZ the language filters are sensitive!)

I'm all about positive reinforcement, clear boundaries, respect, kindness, and patience. No reason that humans deserve it any less than animals! 

I realize I didn't explain myself. To me, there's a distinct but important difference in saying "thank you" to someone with the explicit purpose of getting them to repeat a behavior AND saying "thank you" to someone because you appreciate them or what they did and want to show that appreciation. No strings attached.

I don't feel right having the thought process of... I want my husband to behave a certain way or change a behavior, so for selfish reasons (to get what I want) I will praise him when he does things the way I want to increase the likelihood of him repeating it.

When I "praise" my husband, it's because I appreciate him. If I want him to do something, I will ask him. If he wants to do it, then he will, but I don't feel right (it feels manipulative) devising a way to make him change that is less than straightforward.

Now, if a husband (or wife) is aware of the "training" and has no problem with it, then I don't care. But it's the covert nature of training another adult that bothers me... Part of our job is to train our children and dogs, so I don't have a problem with that, but not my equal. I couldn't do it and I certainly wouldn't want someone training me without my knowledge.

I think understand where you're coming from - like you feel that if you were "training" him then the praise would be false and superficial instead of a real expression of your gratitude? The "no strings attached" idea makes perfect sense. And the way the author of that article talked about rewarding people really rubbed me the wrong way - I think you hit it spot-on that she was very condescending with that.

Still, for me at least, I think if used correctly the basic philosophies (if not the exact methodologies) still carry over quite well. I know BF tries to "train" me all the time, in that he makes a point of expressing appreciation particularly much for the things I do that he knows I'm either not good at or don't enjoy (like making an unpleasant phone call or paying bills), and I do the same for him. Neither of us minds at all, and we don't try to be covert about it. In that case I don't think it's quite so much the idea of "reward" coming into play, but more making an effort to notice/appreciate the good things the other person does.

Likewise, I think it's best to avoid "punishment" and focusing on the bad things the other person does. So if BF leaves his clothes on the floor but then takes out the trash and does the dishes, I thank him for what he did do and am happy, instead of being mad about what he didn't do. (And then I probably ask him to pick his clothes up.) While you could call it "training" in a way, I feel like it's more about not taking someone/something for granted, and focusing on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.

Or at least, that's how I interpret it for my own relationships.  

Yeah, I agree with appreciation but planning to train your partner in some way just seems sneaky to me. If he shaves I say "ooh, I like you clean shaven" because I know in his heart he'd love to grow a beard and he pretty much shaves for my benefit.  If he takes out the rubbish then I say thank you.  I don't plot ways to make him do those things more often.

I may be a freak here, but am I the only one who has an issue with this especially with regards to housework and keeping the place tidy?  Plotting rewards smacks of manipulating him into doing something that isn't his responsibility.  Sorry, but it's my DH's responsibility to pick up his socks, I'm not his slave.  Am I appreciative that he helps with the housework?  Sure, and he knows it, but it is his job to do his part of it.   

Benedict

Sorry, but it's my DH's responsibility to pick up his socks, I'm not his slave.

LOL No, you're not the only one! If my husband didn't pick up his socks, I'd be more likely to joke about it and say, "What's up with this? Are we expecting your mother"? But if he didn't pick up after himself, I would approach him face-on about it.

I try not to treat my husband as anything other than what he is...a human adult responsible for my and my children's daily needs. He does a great job. He deserves and has my respect and admiration and needs no training.

That's just me tho...I did make a point of marrying a man...not a man-boy...lol.

teehee I ntoiced the article is at some dating site. It's good for that site...keep more people, single...HAHA!

Well that's the thing...our partners are adults.  These days, people are waiting until later to settle down - as opposed to 50 years ago when settling down at 18 or so was common.  Most people have lived alone or with roommates by the time they move in with or marry someone, so surely in that time they must have learned to cook, clean, generally take care of themselves etc....why would it be necessary to train a man (or woman) to perform household tasks that they should have learned already?  Even if they don't do it the way you would, so what?  At least they're doing their part the way they know how.  And in the case of non-household tasks like shaving or bringing home flowers, either your man does that to your satisfaction or he doesn't.  If he does, great.  If he doesn't, and you're with him anyway, then haven't you dismissed that is being trivial enough not to matter?  Isn't it unfair to live with, or worse, marry, a guy having ostensibly accepted those trivialities, and then to try to change him - in a very sneaky way at that - later on? 

Benedict

Isn't it unfair to live with, or worse, marry, a guy having ostensibly accepted those trivialities, and then to try to change him - in a very sneaky way at that - later on? 

I hear it's still...in this day and age...common for women to marry/be in long term relationships with, men they hope to change...

I don't get it, lol.

rwbeagles

Benedict

Isn't it unfair to live with, or worse, marry, a guy having ostensibly accepted those trivialities, and then to try to change him - in a very sneaky way at that - later on? 

I hear it's still...in this day and age...common for women to marry/be in long term relationships with, men they hope to change...

I don't get it, lol.

 

No, I don't understand it either.  I think it's demeaning.  Every person in the world deserves to be with someone who loves them for who they are.  If you don't love your partner for who they are, free them so they can find someone who does. 

Speaking as a reformed radical behaviorist,,, it is how the world works.  The interaction of the environment and the neurobiology of our body result in behaviors being learned, maintained or eliminated.  I dont find it emotionally laden at all.  I find it fascinating... And yes  I specifically reinforce with labeled praise those things that make me feel better. 

 Operant conditioning works, if it didnt I would not be as skilled at my job as I am.... How else can I support the development of pro social skills in kids with significant disabilities.  I need to understand the neuropsychological aspects of their disorder as well as structure the environment to develop the skills that will expand their options after public schools (when the services available drop off significantly) not limit their access to social interaction in the community.

Wasting away on another snow day... this puts me so far behind AHHHHHHHH