THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing
shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots,
and down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle
blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on
while wearing flip-flops. Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses
it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years.
Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo.
Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took
horse home to "save money" and has spent about 50 grand on acreage,
barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's
too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes
the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE
NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas
ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey.
Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids
on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking
lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look
cool. Levi's are well worn. "Lightning" is, of course, this natural
horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never
imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in
running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back
on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization
tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen
Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse,
bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P.
Randy's trademark logo embossed on them) R.P.R. says, of all this,
"Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple horsemanship."
"With this special twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll
be round-pennin' like me in no time!"
THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears
Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the EMT's
can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking
shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete
another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called
"you ***" until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam
can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot
rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat,
drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. He has
compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five
miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his rider after
performing his trademark 360. Over-heard frequently: "Anyone have
Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad."
"For this pain I spend money?" "Shazam, you *** - it's just a leaf
[thud]!"
THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her
best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever
has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige
breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and
hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a
grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up
the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put
in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the
Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side
reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of
spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without
exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the
Pennsylvania line.
THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an
elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a
breed logo. A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn
over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her
horse, "Leistergeidelsprundheim" ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a 17.3
hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are
still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER,
but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an
American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage,
and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while lunging. She
lunges him a lot, because she is not actually to keen to get up there
and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because
(while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as
"through" and "supple" as he should be, and gets off to call the
chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of which is expensive, but
he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the
blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the
stress of being beaten at Training 1 by a Quarter Horse.
THE
EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three
bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to
have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is
reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one" a ditch and a wall, and
from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays
THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru,
none of whom approve of the other) and pay trailers/stabling/living
expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She
is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the
world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is
to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed,
don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her
cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can
look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been
rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for
jumping into the in-field tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox
hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds:
gallop and "no gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over
jumping into water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and
exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out
of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before
continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often
threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other
English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.