Having problems with anxiety. . .

Hi Lori,
This is Lena's daughter Bianca.
My mom explained me a little in her above post.
Ive been dealing with social anxiety for about 2-3 years give or take. Depression does come along with the social anxiety which is apparent to many people because it is something that holds you back from living a happy "normal" life like some people do.
I was in CBT-Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for about 4-5 months (which is how long they recommend) I went once a week for all those months and I found that talking with the doctor and doing the exercises with him and on my own time did help curve my thoughts. That was about 2 years ago now and I think I need to go back into it again for a longer period.

Here's a link for CBT that you may find interesting
[linkhttp://www.cognitivetherapy.com/]http://www.cognitivetherapy.com/[/link]
I will PM you with my email address if you would like to talk anytime about this.
Stay strong, youre in my thoughts
Much Love~
Bianca

Thank you Lena and Bianca!  Bianca-What you said about being held back from a normal life, etc.  That's exactly how I feel.  When an event is coming up like a party or something, I won't want to go.  I'll stay home and be relieved that I'm not going but then soon after I regret missing it.  If I HAVE to go somewhere, I will dred it the whole day and ruin an entire day. 
 
Edited to add--I'm not an especially religious person but God or someone helped me thru my wedding day with 120 people all there for me. 

Lori - just now reading your post, and I wanted to pass along my support.  The circle of anxiety and depression is kind of a chicken-and-egg thing.  If you're feeling low, then you don't go out much, limit your social activities, etc.  If you do that long enough, then when you attempt to be more interactive or social, it makes you anxious or panicky, because you're not sure you're up to it.  Consequently, you decide to stay home or avoid certain activities, which ends up making you feel depressed, because you spend too much time at home or alone.  It's like anxiety feeds depression and vice-versa. 
 
As you said, it's one thing to have it affect your own life, but it eventually affects those around you, too.  I know my husband gets very tired of my worrying and anxiety - especially with our dog (his health, safety, behavior).  I was a wreck monitoring his every breath all the time.  And now my grieving over his loss is much more lengthy than my husband's, so he's a little tired of my continued tears, and constant lamenting about what we didn't do for Tonka instead of recognizing what we DID do. 
 
Anyway, I didn't have much luck with meds, only because the various ones I tried all made me feel too "loopy," but most meds (even over the counter) affect me more than average.  However, I have many friends and family members who have success with them.  And talk therapy is very helpful -- at the very least, someone is being paid to listen to you 100% (which is more than we can say for our friends and family, who are busy with their own issues, no matter how much they want to help us).  I think it's really valuable to have a truly objective person to talk to.
 
Good luck with the steps you decide to take - it sounds like you have a supportive husband, and you know Willow will love you no matter what!

Darn it, I'm still not used to this new format -- I keep missing the continuing pages of a thread -- my eyes don't seem to see the page #'s.  I posted without reading all the posts on page 2.
 
After doing so, I wanted to add that despite it being a serious topic, I had to chuckle at the couple comments about having an ailment of the day.  I drive my husband nuts with this problem.  I swear I don't do it on purpose, and I'm not a hypochondriac (in fact, I rarely miss a day of work due to illness).  But I will hear a story on TV about a condition, and it seems like I often have most of the symptoms!  Then, off to the internet I go, only to get myself into a frenzy worrying I have a terrible problem of some kind!  TV is my downfall - I'm a news junkie, I want to be constantly informed (this began after 9/11), but it makes me too aware of all the bad things that could happen.  It's a good thing I don't have kids - I'd be dressing them in suits of armour and delivering them directly to their classrooms (no busstops for them!).  Actually, I'd probably end up home-schooling so I could keep them safe. 
 
Poor Tonka - from the time he was a puppy, if I woke up in the night and couldn't hear him breathing (he was usually a loud snorer), I'd panic.  Countless times I'd wake the poor guy from a sound sleep, starting with a gentle pat, "Tonka? Tonka?" followed by a shake and a loud "TONKA?").  Geez, what he had to tolerate with a neurotic mom.  He'd awaken with a start and look at me like, "For crying out loud, I was asleep!!"  Then he'd flop his giant head back on the bed and let out a huge sigh, and I'd relax and go back to sleep too. 
 
It really is exhausting to feel these things.  It's interesting that so many of us with pets relate to these issues.  Perhaps we are drawn to pets because they are more accepting of us despite our issues.

Tracy - it's so good to see you're still around and have so much wisdom to add.  I too did those things with Sassy and she wasn't even ill.  I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not hear her snoring, and I'd immediately think she was gone (dead).  I'd lay there wide awake, afraid to breathe, until I heard her breathe.  I've done the same with my husband.  I always thought it was because I lost my mom at the age of 12 and have this fear of losing everyone I love, but I see that I'm not alone.  Like Lori and her love of Willow, you did wonderful, loving things to care for Tonka and you deserve to feel some peace about what happened.  I hope you get it soon.  

Lori, I know I've been emailing you but I gotta respond to a couple of things here -- Glenda mentioned there are a TON of meds out there -- and one of the keys to getting a doctor who will truly work with you is to get the *right* med.  Make a LIST now of the things you are taking (incluidng how much, etc.) AND also the side effects you really want to avoid.
 
That's gonna make it easier to prescribe.
 
Get the right med and you WON"T feel zoned or 'flat' (which was a typical side effect of Prozac that got a lot of press). 
 
Get yourself the Pill Book (the people one) and check out meds before you take them.  Find out what the 'allergic reaction' IS to it -- don't be paranoid, but do be aware of how you feel, etc.
 
Zoloft was one of the ones I originally tried and I"m actually "allergic" to it (which is a RARE thing, but leave it to ME to be allergic to a drug Sheesh).  My joints began to ache shortly after taking it and that 'progressed'.  My doctor (at the time -- who I dumped after how they reacted to MY telling them I thot I was allergic) told me no way could I be 'allergic' -- and it took me just plain refusing it (and feeling better within days).
 
Once I finally got to a good doctor (read "psychiatrist" in MY case -- literally not just a counselor but a doctor who can prescribe) who literally only saw me a couple of times and then once I was on the right drug I was able to deal with just counseling).
 
Once they got me on Serzone it was easy then -- no 'drugged' feeling, and they weaned me off after about 8 - 9 months.  I probably tried like 4-5 drugs to find the 'right' one. 
 
I'm one of those people who often reacts badly to drugs, and I probably had the hardest time finding the right drug of anyone I know -- but to be honest, even the 'bad' experiences helped me realize "wow-- you know it's pretty scarey how easy body "chemistry" can make me feel sad, glad, or miserable!!!   So even the 4 'failures' I had made me feel good that "wow, it WAS the drug -- NOT ME!!!"
 
My point is, when you find out how easily your body chemistry can send your brain flukey, it's a relief to discover you aren't totally 'weird' for real -- you're just truly not feeling well.
 
In a way it reminds me of Jessica Rabbit in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" -- remember that immortal line where she batted her eyes and said 'I"m not really bad ... I'm just DRAWN that way!"
 
Well, I wish I was 'drawn' a little more like HER body, but Lori, be encouraged ... it's not *you* but a family tendency that makes you predisposed to a certain thing.  And because it's so easily attributed to 'genes' in your family you don't have to feel a 'failure' -- it's just ... well, to put it into dog-ese, it's just a "breed-related health problem" you need to deal with!!
 
At least it's not luxating patellas!! (JOKE LORI!!!!)
 
Have you forgiven me for that huge file yet??? *smile*)

Tracy--Oh my God, I do that and Willow does the same thing Tonka did.  In fact, a couple of weeks ago she scared the hell out of me as she's gotten really, REALLY, good at ignoring me when I'm doing this.  I was just about to call DH into the room when she woke up in a huff, jumped off the bed, and plopped down with a ummph, on her own bed. 

Countless times I'd wake the poor guy from a sound sleep, starting with a gentle pat, "Tonka? Tonka?" followed by a shake and a loud "TONKA?").  Geez, what he had to tolerate with a neurotic mom.  He'd awaken with a start and look at me like, "For crying out loud, I was asleep!!"  Then he'd flop his giant head back on the bed and let out a huge sigh, and I'd relax and go back to sleep too. 

I think they do accept us, Willow just does her chowy attitude like "you're weird mom, can we go for a walk now"? 

Callie-I got the e-mail but I didn't get the file, please send it again if you get a chance. 

I was a little afraid to post this topic but I am SO glad I did.  I didn't even realize all these things I'm doing are part of it.  I thought they were all separate. 

Lori, I wanted to add that Callie and others are right - you have to find the meds that work for you.  Maybe you won't react badly to Paxil.  Maybe Zoloft isn't right for you.  No way would I say "take this" - I'm not a doc!  I was just relating what my experience has been.
 
That being said, you may find a doctor who will try you on Zoloft if it works for your cousin because meds can work in family lines for people with similar issues.  However, that's not always the case.  My son had a bad reaction to Zoloft and was taking Wellbutrin instead.  He may be bipolar, so he was taking Lithium as well because the antidepressants alone can aggravate bipolar.  You just have to find what works for you.
 
Shari has been my saving grace throughout the years because she makes me have to get out of bed.  Yeah, my depression is leveled off, but I can still have "deep" episodes.  When my cat Charlie died I spent 3 days in bed, only getting up to walk Shari and make sure my son had dinner.
 
You have received a lot of good advice here and I think you're on the right track.  Saying "I need help" is the hardest part.  Take care.

I'm very glad that you started this thread Lori.  Not only do YOU get the support you need, but a lot of us have "come out of the closet" and that's exactly where problems like this should be....out in the OPEN!
 
Yes, there are dozens of different meds and there are dozens of different reactions to them, or folks who find that they simply don't work at all.  But because there ARE so many different ones to try, one of them is going to be the perfect fit for you.
 
With all of us here willing to listen via PM when you need to talk, your poor therapist isn't going to have much to do!! []

I feel for you Willow. I also go through bouts of depression b/c of my injury. At one point they had me on antidepressants but now am off of them and so need to be back on them. Wellbutrin worked for me. Paxil was so harsh and made me feel so out of it most of the day. It is funny how some of these work on your mind and body.
And Glenda is right. Don't let them make you feel it is just in your head when it isn't. Your whole body is affected by depression.

Lori, just now getting to read this and you are already going to the doctor so that is good.
I think the first GOOD thing you did was talk about it. Thats the most important,, especially because it opened your mind to the fact that you are sure not alone on this.    I'm not really on any drugs on a regular basis but sometimes depend on Xanex to get thru some tough spots in my days.  I can build things up in my head until a point of no return so when I see myself getting into these feelings, I take a Xanex (just a half helps) and it takes it away and I get back to normal.
 You said you haven't talked to your firiends for a while, you know, maybe you should. I have a friend named Donna who is on some of these drugs on and off, she is a worrier.  We talk eachother in and out of things sometimes many times a week.   Everytime I get to feeling anxious and depressed I try to talk to her. And I say TRY because when I start feeling like that, I don't want to talk to anyone, and that makes things so much worse.  But after I talk to her I feel so much better, she makes me feel so normal on days when I feel so abnormal!    Maybe you can talk to your friends again, maybe you will see that they have the same feelings that you do.
 

Tina-Oh, I know, I know you were not actually suggesting I try any particular thing.  I kind of already had it in mind after speaking to my cousin.  She is having good results and I figure since her mom and my dad are brother/sister is might help me too.  The other one I have in mind to ask about is Celexa.  I was actually on that one a looong time ago after a break up/job making me nuts problem.  I didn't feel much different on it though, but maybe it's changed or the dose could be different.  If she suggests Paxil, I've decided to refuse that one.  I won't bother with that unless nothing else works.  I've just heard too many stories of side effects, withdrawals, etc.  Not just here, people have told me in person also.

Dyan--Thank you.  I probably will be telling at least my two best friends about this in the near future.  I've got to give them some explaination about why I haven't been around.  I have another symptom  I guess you would call it, germ phobia.  I hate being around kids for this reason.  I'm always Cloroxing everything at work. So, I tend to stay away from them for that too, especially in the winter.  I used to love kids, but to me now they are a source of "germs".  I can't believe I think this especially when I type it. 

Glenda--It's true, I've been so helped by others PMing and the stories here.  I can't believe how many go thru similiar things. But, the most important thing is that I've got more symptoms of this than I realized.  Tracey really floored me with the post that she was waking up Tonka!  I do that, and DH gets upset, "let her sleep, she's sleeping"! 

I just want to say again thank you, I'm going to speak with the doctor today and I'll give an update later on.  I hope this thread will keep going because it's a great thread and not just because I started it.  I can only imagine how many other people lurking will read this and relate to it too. 

Lori

Willow, just wanted to see how you are feeling.  It is so horrible to have this disorder.  For a long time I couldn't drive my truck and trailer or go to a horse show without having panic attacks.  After my son was born I went to the emergency room 3 times thinking I was having a heart attack, I think I drove my husband and mom crazy, because I was worried I wouldn't be around to raise my son (I was 38 at the time of his birth) and I worried about him constantly, things that weren't even there.  I think I worried excessively, because I raised my two children (who are now 18 and 22) along, due to my husbands accident.  Since being on Lexapro with a side of  Lorazepam for good measure (when needed) I am out of this funk and able to have a normal life (if there is such a thing).  Hope you are doing better, please feel free to email me personally if you need to talk.

Oh Lori, your germ thing reminds me of my friend Donna that I mentioned before.   We spent the day together last week and she told me what she did afterwards and I have to share it with you.  After going bumming all day last Tues., she had to go home where an old work friend was visiting her at 6 that evening.. The next day Donna was here and told me what she did after her friend left, because her friend had a cold and they sat at the kitchen table and talked much of the evening.  When her friend left she cleaned everything with bleach, and disinfectant, washed all of her towels in the kitchen AND bathroom where her friend went...soaked the girls coffee cup in clorox and dish soap, and practically ruined her wood kitchen table sterilizing it because the girl kep putting her used tissue on it,,,,YUK!!!!    Then she sprayed her whole house with Lysol     But Donnas words were "you are going to know how crazy I am when you know how long it took me to get rid of the germs!"   
Oh yeah,,,want to know something else about Donna?  She is afraid to go over a bridge..won't drive over one at all. If we are going someplace and she is driving, we stop before the bridge and I drive over it.  She is NOT happy going over it even with someone else driving either.
So, you see,,,,,many of us have major hang-ups!
I'm happy you have a job..because I had a lot more anxiety problems before I started working 20 some years ago, and now since my work closed down and I have been out of work since November, I am beginning to go back to some of my old bad nerves....I have to find a job before I completely go back. BUT the anxiety of looking for one is also bad for me.  Be happy you have one, it keeps you going.

   Boy I wish I had the computer when I was going threw my panic/anxiety disorder but not as much as my husband probably does.  Like the time we had a friend stay with the kids so we could get a bite to eat and go grocery shopping.  We had a cart full ready to check out and I just couldn't stand it any longer and told him we have to go, NOW.  He looked at me and said Now?  Yes Now I said.  I had to get home and be with the kids before I died and read them the Grinch.  So we left the full cart and off we go to read the kids the Grinch...in July.  Or the time I called him at work screaming he had to come home because something was wrong with my left arm.  It was getting swollen and and "felt" weird and I was sure it was 10 times bigger than my right arm and I would be dead by dinner time. So he comes home and very calmly measures my arms and in truth my right arm was a tad bit bigger.  Crap, had to make dinner anyway.lol,lol   I was afraid that germs, bad guys, boogie men, and just the mean scary world would hurt my kids.  My doctor told me that I HAVE to change my train of thought because all my anxiety will rub off on the boys and I didn't want them to live like that.  Enjoy idog and your friends and family and your wonderful dog. . It's so easy to get caught up in all negative thoughts.   Each day find something beautiful and positive to be thankful about.  The hard part is over..reaching out.  I hope this makes sense.  Typing like a mad women because crap,  I have to make dinner.  Sending you good vibes.......Cindy Lou