Dog Community

Oh Jeez, Am I Doing Right By Sally??

Posted : 12/9/2006 4:14:02 PM

This is sort of dog related but sort of not too, so I put it here....

My 19 year old cousin just called me, asking for a place to stay on Christmas.

See, as a high schooler she started seeing this guy who is very, very bad for her. He is verbally abusive at least, and we suspect physically at least to a point. He mom forbade her from seeing him, but we all knows how that goes. She and mer mother went around and around about her repeatedly contacting him until she went to college. Once off at school, things did not get better. The Boyfriend is in the Navy, so has not seen my cousin much, but they have been in contact and seen each other when possible. Apparently her goal all along (she told her mother she was no longer seeing him) was to do her freshman year in college at this university and then transfer to whereever he is.

Well, her mother found all this out and told her not to come home for Christmas. She also told my other aunt (who lives by my cousin's college) that The Boyfriend was the type that would come to her house and slaughter the whole family so now that aunt wants nothing to do with my cousin. My mom would take her in in a heartbeat, but my cousin is afraid that her mother would stop speaking to my mother if she gave her a place to stay (which has already happened, by the way, so it wouldn't matter).

Now, of course I'm going to take my cousin in, I won't turn her away for the holidays. The Boyfriend does freak me out a bit though. He was kicked out of his own house for striking his MOTHER and has threatened my cousin and her family.

I plan on taking my cousin as many places as possible when I leave, because I am very afraid that she will want The Boyfriend to come over while I'm gone, and I know she would lie to me to get that accomplished. I do not want him to know where I live. He does have the ability now to carry a weapon, and if my cousin does ever leave him I want her to have a safe place to go. I also do NOT want the dogs to think that he is an "OK" person to be in our house. Well, mostly Sally, because Jack would be thrilled to anyone. If she becomes used to him she will welcome him, but if she's not she will bark, and though she would not back it up, she looks very menacing.

To try to keep her from having The Boyfriend over, I am thinking of telling her that Sally has become VERY aggressive towards men. I'll tell her that she has attacked and nearly biten my stepdad and that we are going to have a behaviorist look at her, but until then NOBODY is to come into the house when I am not here, as I don't think my cousin could handle her and I could get sued. *None of this is true*

I feel like I am betraying Sally telling her this, and if anyone else has any suggestions I would be really appreciate it. I am also worried that if The Boyfriend comes over and Sally does bark at him a lot (which she might) that he will kick her (he is that type of guy) and I don't know of she'd recover mentally from something like that....

ladiebug

Posted : 12/9/2006 5:06:25 PM

Ooooh! That's a tough one. Like you I wouldn't want to leave my cousin alone at Christmas. However, I would not risk putting myself, my pets, or my family in danger.
Seems like your cousin is willing to lie about anything and everything to be with this man. So, I'd be very afraid that she would lie to get him over to your house while you're out. Now that he can carry a weapon, he may not hesitate to kill Sally if he's led to believe she doesn't like men. She may give an "alert-bark" and he could read that as a sign of aggression towards him. Personally, I would not risk it. I'd feel too guilty if that guy did hurt my dog.

Michelle

Posted : 12/9/2006 8:37:59 PM

There was a mass murder near us just a few months ago, a teenage mom, her 2 year old son, her father and her teenage cousin who was also the best friend of the girl's ex boyfriend . . .who was the killer. This is a tragedy waiting to happen and I wouldn't hesitate to lay down a hard line for this girl. This guy WILL attack your family too and nuts like this hold grudges for YEARS.

pofi_pasquale

Posted : 12/9/2006 8:55:21 PM

Can you just tell your cousin frankly that you are opening your house to her, but not to anyone else. That you are not judging her, but you reserve the right to only have guests in your home invited directly by you and if you have any fear or inkling your wishes have not been respected, you'll have no choice, but to rescind your offer immediately? And then, maybe that the dogs are not reliable around strangers when you're not there to broker the situation?

cyclefiend2000

Posted : 12/9/2006 8:58:06 PM

if those things arent true about sally, i wouldnt tell any of those things to your cousin. i wouldnt want either of our dogs to be thought to be human aggressive. that seems like you may be inviting possible problems to me.[sm=2cents.gif]

loveukaykay

Posted : 12/9/2006 9:31:14 PM

To be honest, you should not be allowing this person into your home. You are putting your dogs, yourself and your family at risk. I know you want to be there for your cousin but its our job to protect those that we love and that love us. Allowing this IMO is unacceptable. You said she would lie to you and that right there is reason enough to say Im sorry but I cant help you. Maybe its just me but I would not open my home to this sort of thing.

If you do I wouldnt tell her those things about Sally. Thats putting her in even more danger IMO. I guess if your just out running errands you could take the dogs with you...? If your at work or something tho I dunno. Seems like you dont have much choice, if she wants the guy over and will lie to have that happen, then hes probably going to end up there and if your not home theres not much you can do about it. I would be very worried about him harming my dogs, but I worry a lot.

Im sorry, I know this is a tough situation for you. But if you dont even want him to know where you live I just can't see justifying the decision to let her stay there.[sm=2cents.gif]

theresamat

Posted : 12/9/2006 9:52:33 PM

I hate to sound harsh, I know 19 is young and you feel the need to help her out. But the fact that you know she would lie to you and invite this guy into your home says a lot about her. It sounds like her mother is right in refusing to condone this relationship. I would honor her mothers wishes, and let her be on her own. Sometimes helping people, really does them more harm then good. Maybe if the whole family stands together and refuses to let this girl bring trouble into their homes, it will help her to realize she is making a bad choice.

I'm sorry for you to have to deal this with this. I have had similar situations with people and in my own family. It's very hard to watch someone you love making such bad choices. But sometimes *helping them out* really harms them more in the long run.

gayle

Posted : 12/10/2006 12:17:29 AM

i would just be honest. let her know you love her and want her there, but bf is not welcome. if she wants to know why i would be honest about that too, but in as nice a way as possible. that is too bad she is involved in such a scarey relationship and very sad that her relationship with her family is strained because of it. i hope the best for her, and of course your holiday.

Xerxes

Posted : 12/10/2006 2:35:17 PM

For my POV, if you believe this relationship to be "bad" do not enable it. You could suggest to her a motel somewhere near your house.

Nothing in this situation sounds good to me. Irresponsible 19yearold, abusive bf. Nope, not in my place.

spiritdogs

Posted : 12/10/2006 8:37:37 PM

I know you love your cousin, but, frankly, I would not lie about your dog, and I would not take her in. If this man is scary, which it appears he is, then you risk harm to yourself, your dog, and others in your family.
Don't enable her. Men can be as addictive as alcohol, and she is addicted. Protect your own household first. Tell her you love her but that you can't help her, and give her the numbers of any abused women's hotlines in your area in case she needs them. Maybe the fact that you seem so concerned will make her think about what she's doing. Anyone who tries to alienate a woman from a normal family life is toxic and to be avoided.

karin

Posted : 12/10/2006 9:23:39 PM

Perhaps you could invite your cousin over on Christmas day for dinner and that's it. Leave her to make her own plans for the rest of Christmas vacation.College students are usually good about having friends with holiday plans to hang out with over Christmas vacation anyway. It sounds like your cousin made her choice when she picked a crummy boyfriend over family, and now she must live with that choice. Be kind and supportive, but let her know that you draw the line at enabling her in this relationship.

fuzzy_dogs_mom

Posted : 12/11/2006 1:42:29 AM

I'd have to agree with everyone who says not to make Sally sound aggressive in an effort to keep him away. He sounds flaky, he's violent and he's likely to have a weapon ... he could wind up shooting Sally and saying he felt threatened because he thought she was aggressive toward men. Not worth the risk IMHO. Just make it plain that he is not welcome in your house and for sure you don't want him coming around when you or your husband aren't there.

Joyce

jeano

Posted : 12/11/2006 2:02:13 AM

I agree with everyone else. You can't do anything about someone who would lie to you about anything to be with this man. He sounds out of control, and frankly, so does your cousin. She won't quit with this guy until she "hits bottom." You can't save her, which is horrible, I know.

If she can honor your request NOT to tell her boyfriend where she is on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve (over at your house for dinner, maybe) then I'd tell her she'll have to make her own plans.

And ya, scary dogs are not a threat to a guy with a gun. :-(

Take care of your own family and let her figure it out. It's tough, I know, but better safe than sorry in this instance, from what you've described.

sillysally

Posted : 12/13/2006 11:05:36 AM

Thank you guys for your reponses--I truely do appreciate it. I have done a lot of thinking, and I will NOT lie to her about Sally. I had not even thought about it actually being more dangorous for her.

We will however, still take my cousin in. It will only be for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I will take her with me as much as humanly possible. The only event she will not be able to go with me to is the family gathering where her mother will be on Christmas Day, and DH and I have agreed that we will not only make it crystal clear that NOBODY is to come over during that time but we also be doing random checks for The Boyfriend. One of DH's friends suggested buying a gun and DH agrees, but I'm not quite sure if I'm on board with that one.

It breaks my heart that I feel that I can't trust her, it really does. It also breaks my heart how low her self-esteem is. Her mother got a hold of one email she wrote him after she did not believe he was being as affectionate during a visit as he usually is. She said, "I know I'm not much, but tell me how I can be the person that you want me to be." [

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loveukaykay

Posted : 12/13/2006 12:03:20 PM

The thing is, if the guy has a gun, you may need one (whether now or in the future if he gets angry.)[&:] I would let him get it, men need to feel as though they are protecting their families as best they can. As long as he is capable of using it safely...

It really sucks she feels this way about herself. People get stuck in a mindset and lifestyle and it can be really hard to pull themselves or allow anyone else to pull them out. Its like a fog over the mind and they cant see clearly. I hope she figures this out before its too late. Very scary.