Help me!! Kidstuff.(kle1986)

 What does she care about? She must care about something? What did she do with herself when she had nothing to play with?

 She loves getting new toys. Like she needs anymore but that is her favorite thing besides begging me for a Poodle. And that is never happening.

She just watched JJ play on the computer or the PS3. That's all she did. She does go to a friend who babysits her while I work Tuesdays and Wednesdays who has kids but she dont get to play with their toys because once again she refuses to clean up after playing. She even refuses to help clean up.

 Has she been checked by her doctor? Saying her legs hurt and putting herself to bed sounds very much like my daughter years ago.  We found out that her pain and fatigue was fibromyalgia and not just being stubborn.

Good thoughts to you...

Cookie

Does she have to do daily things for herself and/or cleaning up? Helping with dinner tasks, setting the table, etc.  I think sometimes cleaning up has to be a habit, rather than just a once a week task.

I am, by no means, an expert, even though I have 2 kids... But I got the book Parenting With Love and Logic and it has helped. I need to read through it again to solidify the information and techniques.

You could plan a really nice dinner or movie out and then say "You're welcome to join us for a movie out after you've picked up your room."

Could you also provide a laundry basket in her room?

Kids are HARD to raise! I love them but I much prefer dogs LOL

Don't have kids but I've dealt with my nieces and nephews, take all her toys out of her room so she can't play tell her she'll get them when she cleans her room. How about making a chart with her and buy stars and if she gets all stars by the end of the week reward her with a toy or take her out for ice cream or do spa day with her my nieces love when I do spa day with them. Maybe trying doing something together. It might motivate her to listen to you. How old is she?

daisyprincess

Take all her toys out of her room so she can't play tell her she'll get them when she cleans her room.

I locked her toys in her closet but she didnt care. 

daisyprincess

How about making a chart with her and buy stars and if she gets all stars by the end of the week reward her

Done that. Didnt work.

She's 4. Be 5 in July and staring kindergarten in August.

grab01

Does she have to do daily things for herself and/or cleaning up? Helping with dinner tasks, setting the table, etc.  I think sometimes cleaning up has to be a habit, rather than just a once a week task.

She puts her dishes in the sink after each meal. She takes care of Kujo. She puts her laundry in the hamper. She dresses herself. She brushes her hair and her teeth herself. She does alot of things but it's a battle with cleaning up her room.

 I do not have children, nor do I want children (at this point) .... but, thinking about my nieces and nephews, if I were in your position I'd make it happen... "Ok, 5 minutes in the corner."  if she finishes her time out, "time to clean your room." .... and if it's still a no-go, 5 more minutes in the corner. It's her choice to clean her room or sit in the corner.  I believe it WILL come to a head (probably with much screaming) and she will clean her room, because her only other option is sitting in the corner (not somewhere she can see the TV or play with the dogs, nothing rewarding).  I think if she's that stubborn at home AND at your friends house, you need to help her through this or she's going to have a tough time in school.

Hope it works out!

I'm mean. I would tell her that whatever she didn't clean up off the floor(toy wise) would get taken away. I'd go in with a huge trash bag, throw everything in it and bring it out to the garage. If she continues to leave stuff on the floor, out to the garage. WHen she has nothing to play with, she may care more about losing things. It sounds like perhaps she doesn't really care about her possessions because she is constantly getting new things? Just a  thought. And you may find that she is more creative in her play with less than with more? Which reminds me. Meri has SO much stuff, it is just getting to the point of ridiculous. I am so having a garage sale this spring.

agreeing en toto with the last two posts. My kids don't not clean up when asked because they know if necessary I will stand there and stare at them until they do. They will not watch TV, go outdoors, or even really be spoken to by anyone...until they do. But honestly things have not gone beyond me asking 2wice for a very long time. Disobeying is never anything that would fly here so it doesn't happen often.

I do time out in a corner...facing the wall. Sensory deprivation works wonders here. Attention, even yelling...is what they crave so it's what they do not get. They raise their hands when they are ready to apologize and do whatever they refused to do prior. Then we move on.

Sera_J

 I do not have children, nor do I want children (at this point) .... but, thinking about my nieces and nephews, if I were in your position I'd make it happen... "Ok, 5 minutes in the corner."  if she finishes her time out, "time to clean your room." .... and if it's still a no-go, 5 more minutes in the corner. It's her choice to clean her room or sit in the corner.  I believe it WILL come to a head (probably with much screaming) and she will clean her room, because her only other option is sitting in the corner (not somewhere she can see the TV or play with the dogs, nothing rewarding).  I think if she's that stubborn at home AND at your friends house, you need to help her through this or she's going to have a tough time in school.

Hope it works out!

Ahh... but time out means time out from reinforcement. If the thing she doesn't want to do is clean up, then allowing her to delay the task with a time out, she might just want to sit in time out in order to avoid the task. Delaying an unpleasant task might be nice according to her.

it might help not to let the mess get out of control, and have her pick up every day, or just pick up one thing every now and again throughout the day. IE, "can, you pick up that thing and put it over there." Don't let it get unmanageable for her. Picking up one thing is probably perfectly manageable, but picking up 30 things is maybe overwhelming (as I look around the room at the things that need to be cleaned up).  Is she into games at all? Would she be amused by trying to compete with you to see who can do it, faster, better, or pick up more? A lot of kids like that. If  you needed it for her, there could be something at the end of the game. With kids in a daycare, the first kid at the table after cleaning up his or her toys got the first snack, maybe a few extra cookies on his plate, the juice filled just a tiny bit higher. If you were going to do this, you could ask her to clean up before a snack and if you beat her, you could serve yourself a little extra of something she likes. Still give her some, because I personally can't advocate that you deny a kid food, but makes yours better if you won, and the same for her if she wins.

Sera_J

  I believe it WILL come to a head (probably with much screaming) and she will clean her room, because her only other option is sitting in the corner (not somewhere she can see the TV or play with the dogs, nothing rewarding). 

Yes, I can tell  you that it is not punishment if she gets to watch her dad play on the computer.

My son's dad was famous for this.  Son would get grounded from TV or Nintendo, his dad would say, "well, I'm not grounded" and continue to have TV or game on when son was around.  It was not punishment for my son, who learned manipulation early on and well.  When son and I were alone (dad out at sea or after the divorce), I did not have 1/2 the difficulty as I did with two of us because his dad never wanted to be the bad guy.

Consistency, both parents on the same page, no matter what, that is the best.  Everyone in the house has to stick to the same program, sort of like NILIF.

griffinej5

Sera_J

 I do not have children, nor do I want children (at this point) .... but, thinking about my nieces and nephews, if I were in your position I'd make it happen... "Ok, 5 minutes in the corner."  if she finishes her time out, "time to clean your room." .... and if it's still a no-go, 5 more minutes in the corner. It's her choice to clean her room or sit in the corner.  I believe it WILL come to a head (probably with much screaming) and she will clean her room, because her only other option is sitting in the corner (not somewhere she can see the TV or play with the dogs, nothing rewarding).  I think if she's that stubborn at home AND at your friends house, you need to help her through this or she's going to have a tough time in school.

Hope it works out!

Ahh... but time out means time out from reinforcement. If the thing she doesn't want to do is clean up, then allowing her to delay the task with a time out, she might just want to sit in time out in order to avoid the task. Delaying an unpleasant task might be nice according to her.

it might help not to let the mess get out of control, and have her pick up every day, or just pick up one thing every now and again throughout the day. IE, "can, you pick up that thing and put it over there." Don't let it get unmanageable for her. Picking up one thing is probably perfectly manageable, but picking up 30 things is maybe overwhelming (as I look around the room at the things that need to be cleaned up).  Is she into games at all? Would she be amused by trying to compete with you to see who can do it, faster, better, or pick up more? A lot of kids like that. If  you needed it for her, there could be something at the end of the game. With kids in a daycare, the first kid at the table after cleaning up his or her toys got the first snack, maybe a few extra cookies on his plate, the juice filled just a tiny bit higher. If you were going to do this, you could ask her to clean up before a snack and if you beat her, you could serve yourself a little extra of something she likes. Still give her some, because I personally can't advocate that you deny a kid food, but makes yours better if you won, and the same for her if she wins.

I like these ideas a lot!

When I was a kid, my mom did a lot of punishment relating to my things -  "If you don't ______ then I will hide/throw away/break your _____." It was very, very traumatic for me, because the rules were not evenly enforced. By the time I was in high school, it turned into things like destroying a homework project that was in-progress while I was at school, because I'd "had a bad attitude lately." I could never trust that the things I cherished were "safe" in my own house, and that was a really, really unpleasant feeling. Even if the rules are clearly explained and clearly enforced, it's still a threat designed to make the kid feel fear. Which isn't always bad (or avoidable), but IMO it's not ideal, and it would be great to find a different motivator.

Especially since it doesn't seem to be effective right now, I would really try to find other options for encouraging her to clean up. Do you ever clean up with her, to try to make it fun? How do you ask her to clean up - could you accidentally be conveying to her that it's an unpleasant chore? How is her father with household chores?