Dilemna...

tiffy

Do I wait to ask him out after the divorce is final? Would I be hooking up with a married man, technically?

IMO, it's a grey area that's totally up for your interpretation.

 Personally, if I wanted to ask him out, then I would, even though the divorce isn't final.  I would have to feel very confident that the marriage was, in fact, over & that there was no chance of reconciliation.  Mainly because I wouldn't want to open myself up to the stress of dating a guy, & then having to deal with him reconciling with his wife.

 Divorces can take a long time.  As long as it's actually been filed, I'd say fair game if he's comfortable.

 My only concern would be his mental state. If it's an amicable divorce, then I see no problem. As mentioned, divorces can take awhile to finalize. I just personally wouldn't want to run the risk of being a rebound relationship.

Two questions to ask yourself:

Why is he your ex?

Do you really want to date a guy who is in the throes of divorce and may do the comparison thing?  Esp. since he is an ex of yours.

sharismom

Two questions to ask yourself:

Why is he your ex?

Do you really want to date a guy who is in the throes of divorce and may do the comparison thing?  Esp. since he is an ex of yours.

 

These are both good and I will add a third.

Why is he getting divorced?

Your question already indicates you are not feeling comfortable with the situation.  Also, folks bend the truth (ok some lie) especially in the "protection" of the internet.

 Technically, yes, if it isn't finalized then he is still married.  I'm not saying that as any sort of a judgement, b/c neither mine, nor FH divorces are final.

Divorce can take years.  In my situation, I couldn't even file until we'd been separated for a year (MD law) and if STBX wanted to push it, the fact that I had a relationship with FH in that year counts as infidelity, of course that would take some nerve on his part, considering the line of girls that have passed through his door.  I filed the paperwork back in Nov.  I am still waiting.

In FH's case, his ex told him she wouldn't sign anything at all, ever, period.  So his lawyer advised him not to even file b/c then she could try for spousal support and he could end up paying that for the 2 years that she can drag it out.  After 2 years they can go forward without her cooperation.

I'm just putting those situations out there to show ways that it isn't completely cut and dry.  I would say that it would have to be something you are comfortable with.  Are you ok with his divorce not being final?  Are you confident he's not gonna go back to his wife?  Are you sure you're not a rebound?

A lot of things to consider but my 2 cents is that if he's serious about them being over and getting divorced, it would be ok.

I would think a guy going through a divorce is going to have a lot of baggage and be really needy for a while.  Both of which would make me stay away until the situation is much more stable.

Deb W.

iluvjamison

I would think a guy going through a divorce is going to have a lot of baggage and be really needy for a while.  Both of which would make me stay away until the situation is much more stable.

 

Deb W.

Ditto!  I would stay clear of anyone just getting out of a marriage or relationship especially men.   And often people in a divorce like to have someone else intersted in them to show the other spouse that someone does want them even if they don't.  JMHO.

mrv

Your question already indicates you are not feeling comfortable with the situation.  Also, folks bend the truth (ok some lie) especially in the "protection" of the internet.

Oh, yes. Just ask some of my relatives. "In the middle of a divorce" CAN mean, "In the middle of being upset with my wife/relationship and wanting to find someone new." Sort of like a divorce, but without all the messy "actually informing your wife of this decision" stuff.

I don't think it's morally wrong to see someone who's going through a divorce, just make sure you cover your patootie and keep your eyes open for signs that he might be trying to pull one over on you.

 Hes an ex because at the time I was 21 and am now 32. Enough said. I haven't asked him any personal questions about the divorce because its not my business. I just got out of a 9 year relationship, so I'm not looking for anything long term. To be blunt, I'm looking for a "hook-up". Is that horrible?

tiffy

To be blunt, I'm looking for a "hook-up". Is that horrible?

Heck no!!!

Nope, not horrible.  Kind of how I met my now-DH.  I wasn't in a relationship, and liked it that way, at least did not want something super serious.  He was getting out of a longer relationship (3 years is long for college!) and had some baggage.  I was the total opposite of his ex.  We had mutual friends that paired off so I just figured I'd be the rebound girl and we could all hang out as a group, no strings attached.  I don't really know when we became bf/gf but we never really broke up.