Bonita of Bwana
Posted : 10/19/2008 2:18:44 AM
Oh Gina that is a question without an answer. When they are brand new and dependant on you for absolutely everything you wonder in the back of your mind will you ever get your life back? Up at all hours and taking care of the little ones. No longer smelling like your favorite perfume you seem to always smell like baby barf , your clothes went from with it and trendy , at the least professional and clean to a collection of easy to throw on pieces with mystery stains . Try as hard as you can there is a part of you that misses being able to carry on stimulating converstations and debating concepts with other well read folks... Time simply flies, before you realize it they are beyond the Dr Suess you have memorized and you are now struggling to figure out who they are turning into , what all of the texting means and why they aren't the child that ran with you to chase fireflies or teach a puppy how to walk on a leash...
Honestly I thought this will not be me. I will be so involved in their lives it will be impossible for time to sneak past me !!. I will have them in my hobbies and I will be in theirs and time will just be a nuance in our days not a definetion. How then did it happen? Did I find us speaking the same language one day and the next barely speaking at all? How did disagreements over clothes become World War 3 ?? Struggling to find myself once more I found I was rediscovering my kids. Relaxing and watching them make the same pronoucements as I had with the arrival of each of their children I had to learn to hide the smile that would have driven them nuts as I began to see we were not as far off as I had feared...
Now I am blessed to have 5 of our 10 grandchildren living with us.... I can watch the seasons change through their eyes once more and enjoy playing the games that I had been so busy to play as often when their moms were younger. I am lucky enough to have this extra chance to play, to step back and be amazed at how beautiful they are and how open their hearts can be. I enjoy having a 3 and 4 year old as my best friends and love being able to have my stories sound brilliant once more. Having a 9 year old talk to me about the upcoming election makes more sense than all of the paid political statements , he has a very wise sense of what our country needs. Dealing with grief and the loss of our old girl two months ago had Bobby's views give me more comfort than any adult could have. My Caity a fashionista, born to dance before a camera and sparkle like a precious gem, yet she never heasitates to get dirty, swinging high on the swing set or dig up a new and interesting bug...they ALL have lessons to share and we have so much to learn from them. I was asked once if I would ever lie about my age?? Most of my friends do and they were actually aghast that I would never consider it. How could I?? If I chipped off a year or three which would they be? Getting rid of the year my husband had an affair hmmmmm sounds like a good year to dump off the face of the earth!! But wait, that would mean forgetting the year my Alexandra came into my life, life without Ali-Boo-Boo ?? not worth considering! Losing the year my mother died? nope that was the year I became a grandmother , too incredible too amazing.
Do not fear Lily's growing up. Just know that each and every new adventure is amazing. Some are hard and some are easy. Somethings like her first heartbreak you would love to hide under a rock never to deal with but the way she and you embrace that first heartbreak will determine the woman she will one day become. There may be grandbabies in your future too. or grandpuppies .... but more important than anything there will be love. You will have a chance to revisit the world through her and one day maybe through someone else... you will have a chance to stop and really be amazed at a hummingbird or hide a grin at a dress you would not wear but she thinks is the most gorgeous thing in the world. The treasures we have at our fingertips are beyond gold. They do not always show up when you glance in their direction, yet if you take the time to look back some times they are there so bright and clear you wonder how you did not see them to start with. The best way to hold on to Lily is to let her go..... by being her Mom when she needs one and a friend when that is important too you will always be close enough for her to know you care, that she can trust you. And if you get out of parneting without regrets please write a book!! You will be the only parent in history that manage that hat trick! Like that first heart break regrets and how we deal with them is what makes us who we are.
Lily is a beautiful child ready to morph into a tweenager. She still sees and believes in magic and is smart enough not to be eeasily fooled. What a treasure you have, take a million pictures and write all the stories you can down...one day the two of you will find great value in them!
Bonita of Bwana