what to say when....

 Oh geez, that's awful.  I think sometimes it's just good to say you're sorry this happened to him, it's not fair, and you'll be there for him if he ever needs you.  Then check in with him periodically, find out when certain procedures are happening, etc. and call or email him (whichever form you two use most often) and let him know you were thinking of him, wishing him good thoughts and hoping everything went well.  I've had a bunch of surgeries, procedures, etc. and it always made me feel good when someone remembered that I was having something done on a certain day and checked in with me, just to let me know they were thinking about me.

I hope he makes it through this okay.  That's so young, what a sh!tty deal! 

You ask how he feels ... TODAY.  Not how he 'feels' generally or how he 'is' generally. 

 You don't just talk about his health -- you still treat him and go to him for all the things you've always gone to him for ... because you can't DO anything about it, but you can help him be HIMSELF.  You can help him feel needed and strong as you always have.  One of the hardest things about cancer is suddenly you cease being "my friend Joe" -- and instead he becomes "my friend Joe who has CANCER" -- the c-word takes away his purpose in this world and focuses everyone on IT rather than on HIM.

 Quietly you pray.  a lot. 

Callie gives great advise (as usual) but here's my 2 cents. 

Speaking as someone who has had two friends face this ... humor helps depending on their sense of humor before the big-C.  My best bud from college was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  Once I knew his prognosis was decent I found a t-shirt with squirrels/acorns on it that said, "It's always fun until someone loses a nut'.  Yup - sent it to him for Christmas. 

All you can do is remain being a friend. Don't ignore the situation but don't dwell on it either - let him talk about things at his own pace.  Help make sure your BF does not ignore him and maintains their friendship.  That's the best gift you can give - friend. 

Tell him also he has all our prayers fro his health and well-being.  

I went through a very similar experience when I was 20. A friend of mine, was diagnosed with leukemia. I tried to ignore the disease; act the the person wasn't really sick. I'd listen to them and spend time with them, but in my mind after I was done talking I would block it out. Don't do what I did, because it is real and it's scarey. Just be there, be a friend, and listen to them- no matter what. Tell him it isn't fair, and watch out for mood swings (happy to angry) because they don't mean to take it out on you, it's the most stressful, emotional, scarey time in their life. Humor was important, too. Everyone needs to laugh! Remind your BF that it is scarey, and different, but he needs to be there for his friend. And be real. Don't try to fake "nice" when your uncomfortable, he'll see through it.

I'm sorry this happend to someone you know, and so young. Life is not fair.

thanks guys - it's not fair. I know it's not. This is the third person who was kind of close to me in the past twoish years to be diagnosed. I lost Kathryn earlier this year, but Annie is doing great.

I told BF he needed to go hang out with the friend when he was having his girl problems, but I don't think that lead any where. I don't even know if BF knows about the cancer, I don't know who he's told and not told. I'm fairly certain he doesn't know - he would have said something. But I don't feel it's my place, BF won't know how to handle it, and I don't want him to think/treat him differently.

Before I went to bed last night I told him he can call/text whenever he needs to. I don't want to be pushy in asking how he's doing, but I will from time to time...

I know how to respond to the cancer, I just don't know how to cope when it's someone who's 3-4 days younger than I am.....

FWIW, I've had 3 cancer scares.  Thankfully no cancer.  But during the interminable wait for biopsy results the thing that didn't help was when people fluffed it off, you'll be fine, don't worry, etc.  I was scared to death and I can imagine your friend is also scared.  Acknowledge that.  Sometimes open that door and let him talk about how scary it is to know you might die.  Having a cadre of people around you who behave as though that won't happen can be very isolating.  Sometimes you need someone to acknowledge that your facing the c-word and you're terrified.  Just my .02 as someone who's dodged the bullet, so far. 

 What NOT to say: "oh I am so sorry".  That's kinda like what you say when someones died and it's a bit morbid.  Negative thoughts and feelings are cancer's best friend.

There are A LOT of things you can tell your friend... any or all of these for example:

Don't listen to the doctors when they give the prognosis... they always paint a very black picture and give the worst case scenario, they kind of have to, to cover their backsides.  It doesn't really mean a whole lot because it doesn't factor in the person's own personality and what kind of support they have from family and friends which can make ALL the difference!

"I've got cancer - IT hasn't got ME".  I think some people have this idea that cancer is slowly taking over their body and is beyond their control and that's a terrifying thought.... and inaccurate!  The realisation that it's YOUR body, YOUR disease, and actually YES you CAN do something about it...can help to stem the fear, empower the patient and encourage them to take control.  Apathy is another one of cancer's best buddies.

Do a little reading for your friend... there are A LOT of things out there that are said to be good for helping to fight cancer, from the food he eats (or avoids), to herbal remedies to visualisation techniques. 

Tell him SUCCESS STORIES of people who have beaten cancer.  My dad is on Essiac tea for his cancer.  He is now in remission, with 20% of the cancer left lying dormant (at the last scan).  My cousins friend is still here, after being given 6 weeks to live... more than 6 years ago.  There are LOTS of stories like this all over if you know where to look.

Just let him know you're THERE if he wants to talk to you and you're thinking of him and sending him good vibes.

 I'm going through this with a friend of mine whose mother is being treated for lung and brain cancer. What I have done is just be there to listen. I don't try to gloss over it like it'll be fine. I say things like "this sucks and it's going to get worse before it gets better" and "if my POS crazy witch ex-boss can come back to life 3x from being dead from cancer then your mom can certainly pull through this. Being a good person has to count for something" (she laughed and said thank you for that)

I ask questions about the treatment and the symptoms.  Sometimes I'll say "oh that's not good" or "that's a bad sign" because you know, my friend does not need me to pat her on the back and tell her everything will be ok. It's not ok. Her mom is very sick. The least I can do is not insult her inteligence. Having someone to talk to about all the facts can be really helpful. So, I call every few days to see how things are going.

So, don't avoid the whole thing. Just be a listener, ask questions and engage the person so that they feel they can talk about it without making you uncomfortable. A lot of times the sick person will gloss over things because they don't want your pity or they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, when what they really need is to be able to say "THIS SUCKS!" and have someone just agree with them.

One of my best friends/college roommate had a recurrence of cancer when we were still living together.  I never knew what to say then, still don't really know what I should have said.  After a while, we would joke about it (usually let her start the jokes), about her hair, her skin, her having to drink this terrible barium stuff.  She didn't talk much about it herself.  I think that b/c we were so young, she didn't want it to ruin being in college and having fun, so most of the time we all pretended like it wasn't there.  Her family dealt with it constantly and I'm sure it nearly killed her mother with worry, I think she needed friends to be there for her without feeling sorry for her, if that makes sense.  Looking back, I don't know if I would have done that differently.  She died after a very long, difficult struggle.  I don't think she was ever afraid to die, maybe that's part of it.  She wasn't worried about it so we just had fun like we always did.  If she was feeling sick we would accommodate her, but not really talk outright about how much it sucks to be dying of cancer. 

Find out what he wants to do and help him do it. Sometimes, the chance to do things makes it better, no matter how long we have to live.

I won't list the number of people I have buried and the close calls I've had but life is precious every day.

This isn't the end. It's still the beginning of the rest of his life, whether that's another year or another 60 years. Get the treatments but don't stop living. Grab life by the horns and make it holler "mama!".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mHaFMqde6A

BCMixs

Having a cadre of people around you who behave as though that won't happen can be very isolating.  Sometimes you need someone to acknowledge that your facing the c-word and you're terrified. 

That makes a LOT of sense.  Remind him again and again that he's not alone, and I like the earlier suggestion to check in on the days that procedures are happening - I can imagine it WOULD feel really lonely and frightening - that somewhere inside he'd want SOMEONE to know this life-theatening challenge is knocking on his doorstep today and he's afraid - to acknowledge that you're sending support and caring, etc.

I agree that it sucks for someone to face that, no matter the age.  Hugs to you and your friend.

I've had two friends with lymphoma.  I just acknowledged the illness the first time they told me, told them I'm be there if they needed anything and then treated them exactly like I always had. 

I did the same thing with my dad and he appreciated that because the one thing he didn't like was when people treated him differently because he was "sick".