I haven't been on the forum much lately. Life has kept me pretty busy.
I
admit, I've been a bit stressed, what with school, and three jobs, and
the boyfriend. I have doctors appointments out the wazoo for my
Tourettes, and my bi-polar disorder, and some lumps that I found.
I've
been struggling with school as I've been waking up in massive
tic/convulsion/tremor fits, and am missing some morning classes. I'm
beyond frustrated that I can't even control the muscles of my own body.
I'm
freaking out about going to New Jersey for Thanksgiving, and spending
it with a family I don't know, and partaking in traditions that aren't
my own. I am exhausted from showing weekend after weekend (I'm actually
getting paid for it now...been showing Cocker Spaniels along with my
Shepherds), working at the gas station, and working on campus.
I have no money.
I have little time to myself.
I'm not sleeping.
And
yet, even with all this crap...after ticking like an idiot at Burke
Mass two weeks ago, after crying and screaming like a mad woman at
Thurber because I didn't want him to see me unable to stop my
twitching, after punching my fist into a door frame because I was so
frustrated that I couldn't keep my classes straight....after all that,
I realized...
I'm happy.
Meds keep my moods stabilized and shove the thoughts of suicide down into the abyss of my brain, but Jon, Jon makes me happy.
I
come home in tears some days, frustrated, but not angry like I always
was last year, and he asks me what's on my mind, and we vent to each
other. I hate being separated all the time, but there's nothing I can
do but wait until we have time together.
Some days it kills me.
Other days it doesn't hurt so much.
Either way, at the end of the day, after 6 years of waiting, I know that he is always waiting for me.
It's good to be happy. Strange, and new...but good, and quite welcome.