Manners and a Big Part of what is wrong with the world!

Great post, Bonita.  Your mention of the library made me remember what my teen-age fantasy was.  You ready for this?  It was to get accidentally locked in the big down town San Diego public library over night ....big soft, squishy chairs and all those books. Would have been Heaven.

Joyce

given that I've never been able to have children, "being remembered" is something that is unbelievably important to me.

"random acts of kindness" -- as many as I can, as often as I can, as anonymously as I can.  I'm the end of my line ... I've no brothers, no sisters and my Dad has no close relatives who have had children.  So I would simply like to be remembered because in that I'll live on.

I try to listen .. and love ... and offer whatever wisdom I can.  "do unto others what you would have others do unto you" -- that's a paraphrase but it's accurate. 

There was a Saturday morning jingle those of us who are 50 or thereabouts will remember -- the little ditty would play "I'm the most important person in the whole wide world!!!"

I think that single phrase has done more to hurt the world than to help it.  It was designed to give self-confidence -- and instead it has reaped selfishness.  I'm NOT the most important person in the whole wide world -- far from it.  But I can make a difference in the world ... and that's perhaps more important than anything else.

I just hope, as Edward Bok said, that the world is a better place because I've lived in it.  If that's true, then I've done my job.

 I'm only 23 but I found my self thinking that exact same thing the other day while watching a young kid back talk to his mother in the mall because she wouldn't buy him a chocolate bar. When I was growing up, when a kid got snippy or rude, they were told so and dealt with. I grew up pretty fast because I had to take care of my Grandma when I was 13 til 18. I had to be polite and friendly cuz on a weekly basis I had to deal with paramedics and doctors and such.

Being as young as I am, I agree 100% with the views of my elders. Lack of Manners is one of the biggest problems with today's world.

Bonita, there IS hope!  Our library is packed with kids all summer long and we have kids every day after school as well.

calliecritturs

given that I've never been able to have children, "being remembered" is something that is unbelievably important to me

Kiddo Popping out kids is not the only way to make a HUGE difference in the world as you show Every Day on i dog and I totally believe in your own life. You have cyber friends and "children" who routinally call out for your help and wisdom... THAT is making a difference !!

The random acts of kindness you both do and insprire are of great value and importance in the world.  If only one out of 10 of the folks you touch would reach out and touch someone else that would make such a difference in the world !

calliecritturs

There was a Saturday morning jingle those of us who are 50 or thereabouts will remember -- the little ditty would play "I'm the most important person in the whole wide world!!!"

Exactly!  Kids were popped in front of a tv to be electronically baby sat and parents stopped paying attention to the details.  My  Alabama Grands are carefully monitored in TV, at my insistance.  I did not start soon enough.... I had allowed the parents to make choices and they were making bad ones. I finally put my foot down.  The oldest  gs is unable to watch scary movies and gun blasting productions, the youngest gs thinks they are the only form of captivating entertainment.  Then becomes overtly aggressive and a bully. The older gets condemed by his uncle as a sissy.  I did not catch on until I heard several unkind comments becoming a daily event, I was preoccupied with personal and  family issues.  When I finally did catch on it was a hostile month around here.   At least once a year since we have a showdown over  different  but simular issues.  I can not stand and will not allow the demeaning or level of contempt that occures when he thinks I am not watching.  He has problems  and could be such a great dad and uncle if he would get out of his own way.  The moms both have their own problems as well.  They are not blameless in what happens but there are days when one daughter can spend 9 hours on the computer, 2 hours taking a nap and the 1-2 hours she interacts with her children yelling and snapping out orders.  The other lives in another state and rarely puts in the work and effort her children need.

It boggles my mind, my children were not raised to be these people.  Yet under the influence of friends and the SIL  they have become self centered and a mess.  I will spend what is left of my life making sure the Alabama Grands are not the same... it is inevitable for the California Grands. They will have the manners and since of responsibility that creates a caring person.  Rewarding them for excellence and reaching out to others. We , the grands and I went acrossed the street to our neighbors just after Gus. I had them picking up all of his tree limb damage and dragging it over to our debris pile. In the hour and a half they worked  several things happened... from the 3 year old to the 9 year old every one was a team.  They were able to explore Mr Don and Miss Rosemary's yard without being tresspassers , they had a job.  Granted Ali-Boo-Boo did fall into the pond trying to pet the ceramic frog but she went home howling got dried off changed and was back in 10 minutes ready to help again.  They helped each other while trying to carry bigger pieces and more pieces. When Don who is in his 80s came out to see who was in his normally pristine lovely yard he went from exiting his home as a grumpy old man and wandering the yard with my 5, they worked together. He brought out a big wheelbarrow and the boys had a blast pushing it about.  He disposed of huge spiders ( they are everywhere this season) and they cheered his bravery, he went from a grump to a most contented guy ,  when the kids were done and his yard once more tidy his hand went ot his pocket and I waived him off before the kids saw. This was not about earning a couple of bucks each. Instead he paid them , and me with his attention and conversation with the kids and they helped him.  More than even trade in my head.

You all should check this out , it is pretty worth while !     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfeXxkbgCVE  if you all agree pass it one to the people you think will Get It......

Oh and Joyce I agree, I remember the Big Library in SD , adored the Hallowed halls... the drag is locally our library is very small and IMO odd, the books and set up are not as inviting and the children's section was recduced to make the computer lab bigger.  The zone that so encourage kids as I grew up is gone. And that is really sad...

Bonita of Bwana

Hugs Bonita

Bonita of Bwana

calliecritturs

given that I've never been able to have children, "being remembered" is something that is unbelievably important to me

 

Kiddo Popping out kids is not the only way to make a HUGE difference in the world as you show Every Day on i dog and I totally believe in your own life. You have cyber friends and "children" who routinally call out for your help and wisdom... THAT is making a difference !!

OT - I agree Bonita! I have called Callie more times for advice (and SUPPORT!) than I can count. She's referred to as Pirate's 'Auntie Callie' : )

*sigh* - and a lack of manners IS what's wrong with today. My sister and I stayed in a hotel last night, and I asked her for cash to tip the maid and she looked at me like I was a nut (granted, we only stayed one night, but still!) And I can't tell you how one of my biggest pet peeves is when I greet someone, 'Good Morning!' and they just...grunt. I was raised to greet people politely, and to say 'please', 'thank you' and (this is a biggie!) 'NO THANK YOU'.

Yep, Callie gets emails about my drama so I can get her thoughts.  Which make SO much sense and make me feel like I'm not totally crazy.

sl2crmeg

and (this is a biggie!) 'NO THANK YOU'.

I think my biggest peeve is people responding when told 'thank you'  I don't care if you say exactly 'your welcome' but at least ACKNOWLEDGE that someone spoke to you!  Ok, so really I guess it's that, acknowledging when someone says something to you.  I was in Disney last week and it drove me nuts how often a cast member or someone would be making polite small talk and whoever they were talking to (including DH ) would just blurt out whatever it is they had to say and just blow off that the person had said "how are you?" or whatever.  I called DH on it b/c I was so bugged by it.  Geez, it's not that freaking hard!  Yea, I'm 23 and hold the opinion that loss of manners (or maybe loss of respect for others, and that's why no one bothers w/ manners?) is a problem.  Like Oranges, grew up early and (probably b/c of that) tend to be in agreement w/ my 'elders'.

Since as an attorney/advocate I have workied with juvenile dependents and their parents, juvenile delinquents, prisoners serving life sentence and people committe to locked mental faciities for nt guily by reason of insanity, mentally disordered offenders, etc. I have pondered how to "fix" these problems.

Even before I had my kids, the best answer is that there is no easy fix. Many children and adults under 45 have grown up with twisted values. Life is about having cool friends, the right brand of clothes, and feeling superior to others. I have seen parents teaching their kids to shoplift (if the kid gets caught, mom can go "sorry store manager, my kid screwed up";), parents that leave their toddler at home to care for the baby, parents that don't care what their kid is doing all day as long as they are quiet and don't bother mom and her new boyfriend. Kids are told its "their fault" mom didn't finish school, kids are told its their fault that they didn't lie to the school about where the bruises came from and now they are in foster care, dads are often nowhere to be found or in prison. divorced parents badmouth each other/fight and say horrible things in front of the kids, kids are allowed to be openly disrespectful to parents in public.

My daughter (2 1/2) will pick out two toys at the store and give one to her twin brother (he has cerebral palsy and isn't too mobile yet). She says sorry to the dogs if she accidentally bumps (or intentionally tries to hit them during a temper tantrum). It shocks me to see how other mothers treat their kids. When I gave my sister in law's 8 year old a $15 Target gift card he told me to my face he was disappointed it wasn't for more. I smiled, hididng my shock and turned to his mother and said "Mary, Garrett doesn't like my present cause it's not for more money ". I am totally expecting her to make her son give the gift card back, etc. Instead, she responds to me by saying "Oh, that's how kids are". OMG

Well, enough of my rant. Oh--last thing. My nephews got a cat and threw it off the second floor (onto carpet) to see if it would land on its feet. I suspect in a few years they will shoot a gun and expect the guy to pop up off the ground like in the cartoons (yes, one of my clients at a parole hearing actually said that and I truly believe that's what he thought.

Ugh!

Agnes

Agnes L.

My daughter (2 1/2) will pick out two toys at the store and give one to her twin brother (he has cerebral palsy and isn't too mobile yet). She says sorry to the dogs if she accidentally bumps (or intentionally tries to hit them during a temper tantrum). It shocks me to see how other mothers treat their kids. When I gave my sister in law's 8 year old a $15 Target gift card he told me to my face he was disappointed it wasn't for more. I smiled, hididng my shock and turned to his mother and said "Mary, Garrett doesn't like my present cause it's not for more money ". I am totally expecting her to make her son give the gift card back, etc. Instead, she responds to me by saying "Oh, that's how kids are". OMG

No Agnes that is How PARENTS are..... There is a qoute by Dr Phil that I love... something to the effect that parents come to him complaining about the endless thankless work and how their home is still trashed.... He said well you are Lazy Parents, They Gasp in shock !!  Lazy??  Oh NO We are up from dawn to dusk cleaning up after our kids and we hire help when we must it's just so hard to keep on top of everything and they seem to destroy and get into everything...   No says Dr Phil you ARE lazy PARENTS... A good parent does not clean up after the kid they TEACH the kid to clean up.....

Your daughter is who she is because you and your Husband are so great about stressing values and love. Your Nephews are who they are  for the same reasoning.... They have seen the parents look at a gift and know it was not "enough" .... for some people Nothing is EVER enough.

They up the game each and every time and people truly worthy of their love and respect are frightening to them, so it is easier to degrade them and pick until they are not "all that ".  IT is easy to run with people who require little from you, or who are not as smart, wealthy or good looking. They HAVE to respect you right?   Running with a person who is your equal or moral superior is uncomfortable.  You have to step it up or you look like what and who you are.   One of my girls is always trying to save someone, partly because she is truly a decent human being and will always feel the urge to help fix broken birds  , The other because an active junkie is not as "correct ' As a Recovering Addict. There is power and strength in being able to to say I am trying, I am working and I am getting better... but it is a slippery slope.  If you have crummy morals you work the relationships to make yourself feel better, stronger superior, if you have great morals you hurt a lot because you truly understand what a crummy place that other person is in. What they are risking and what they will continue to risk ....

I have "friends" who deeply believe they are entirely committed to me and our freindship.... it is very onesided friednships. They have used my talents and willingness to help and work then barely"knew me"when much and I do mean MUCH richer  friends came into the picture. It was fine to ask me to paint custom flags for their National Specialty as a parking pass. each one personalized , many done to photos  and then tell me they would cover the COST of material ??? These are folks with a 100,000.00 kennel , I was up at  the wee hours to do the   art work  while caring for children and ailing mothers and working a fulltime waitressing job.   As an RN  they felt I was devaluing myself to work a barely minimum wage job, sorry there is no shame in ANY honest work...and I was nursing around the clock with the moms, being able to go in , earn money and not have to worry if the pizza lived or died was essential ....  But hang out with the owners of Krispey Cream ??  Ah No.  Then it was always Hey Bonita I forgot my wallet can you buy  xyz? I'll give it back to you later...  I know   wow she "forgot " to pay me back....

I finally after  several months realized That while I understood it was rude, dishonest and mean , she did not.  And I could eliminate her forever from my life OR make some adjustments and expect them to have repercussions.  The day I refused to pick up cigerettes for her she had a tissy fit.  I do not smoke. I do not like smoking so why would I be a hypocrit and buy them??   I laughed and told her sorry but nope... I could have lied and said I did not have the money etc but instead I was honest , sorry to disapoint and open...she barely spoke to me for months. I had to remember what I have told the kids and Grands even when it hurts it is better to know who your friends really are.... after nearly a decade I was sorry to lose some one I had laughed with and had many great times with ...but really.... I was Not going to allow someone to make me feel bad or in turn learn how to do that to others.   Adjusting has two views... I can become Like them or I can learn to live without them...  Most folks never know they have options like this they just go with the flow to stay "friends" and popular...

I think this is why Peer Pressure works so well , people are so afraid of not being IN. They instead suck it up and try to play off what is simply bad manners. You do not borrow money and not pay it back, you do not ask for what you do not give, You treat each person as if they were the MOST important person in the room, not simply the person with the most money .  You do not disregard the feelings of friends .  You do not ask them to do something against their personal beliefs as that is simply a form of bullying.  Do I still value her as a friend , YES  , do  I jump through hoops to make her feel as if everything is to her expectations? Nope.  Not because I want her to feel I am getting even, but because I am being honest. That is not who I am. 

But sadly I have to add the last, I do not care for my inlaws , the SIL is barely tolerable and he has lived in my home for 7 years.  His parents Sheesh do NOT get me started Apparently the reason their precious child has not been able to get on his own two feet  while earning 17.00 bucks an hour is that I charge a whopping 100.00 bucks a week rent ...this is utilities , a LOT of groceries, use of our cars when an extra car is needed,  and vet care for all of their pets... somehow it always ends up on MY account. Babysitting and paying for my grand kid's school uniforms and sports gear....  yep what a cretin!  So when My adorable grandson opened a birthday card and it was "empty"  I had to crack up when he shook it several times and said Grandma , This card is Broke!!       ( understand please they had sent nada , squat  zipppo for the past couple of birthdays and they are Grandparents...He is the only Grandson and beyond gorgeous... but they have been spending all of their money running back and forth to be with the Twins, born to one of the Twins... okay every one now it the time to ohhh and ahhh...    Seriously they could have sent a dollar and he would have been over the moon... but they wrote in cursive so he had zero chance of understanding Happy Birthday Love your Favorite Grandmom and Grandfather.....sighhh  I am raising the 5 grand kids on disability , I cared for both moms till their passing and they "voted" for parents to go into a care facility.... I have helped potty train all 5 kids, have been there since birth and even resucitated one. I have to watch myself to make sure I do not give into the dark side and gloat that I get the kisses, hugs and soccer games. That I have a million photos , memories and they have maybe a weeks or two's worth...  I sooooo win that game.  So good manners dictate I try very hard to understand a couple of times a year they get it... they are losing out on 3 awesome kids who will never be as devoted... think about the old Kid in the middle and two people calling. There is NO doubt who they would run to after they thought about it for 20 seconds... and they know it. THAT has to stink!

If you know a kid with a birthday give them a card. stick a buck in it, it not,a coupon for a trip to the library, movie or show up at their game. There are riches you would not believe in a simple act of acknologing a child's birthday... and this is how we teach them...VALUE the folks in your life. Do not compete to be the Bestest freind or Paris Hilton will be calling you... Just be true..sincere and THERE... That is ALL any of us want isn't it??
Bonita of Bwana

 For the record, I'm 26 years old and I had manners drilled into me at a young age - including respecting older/authority figures.  Please, thank you, excuse me/pardon me, how to properly hold your fork (explanation - I used to just eat with my hands lol, still prefer too actually hehe), etc were all things I learned.  I cannot stand parents who do not teach their children how to act in a civilized society.  Yes kids will be kids - they'll have their moments, BUT those "moments" should be followed up with a lesson/correction. 

I worked 2 years in a family restaurant, and I can tell you if I behaved like that in public, we would have left the resturaunt, supper or no supper.  In fact, I think that happened once to us - and ONLY once.  We acted up, ignored our warning from our Mom and then she followed through on removing us from the restaurant.   

When I worked at the restaurant - we had those stupid coin machines and kids would ask for change for the dollar - and YES I did make them say please and thank you.  If the parent had a problem with it, come talk to me about it.  I had one kid YELL at me I NEED CHANGE.  I said "that's nice, what do we say?" he actually said "NOW".  Me:  "wrong answer try again".  He did not get his quarters till he said please and thank you.   

At the same restaurant a girl, no more than 16 came in dressed like a hooker along with her group of friends.  I probably overstepped my bounds, but I chatted with her and got the impression she was a lost soul amongst the group she was with.  Gave her some local contact information for teen resources (healthy after school activities etc).  Wrong thing to do?  I don't know, but something told me to reach out.  I don't normally but I couldn't resist. 

I see a lot of parents who seem afraid to correct their children (I'm not even talking physical corrections since I'm firm believer against physical punishments) - but just simply set boundaries, hold expectations, and follow through on punishments/taking away of privelages.  

I had chores as a kid - I only resented them b/c I was responsible for all of them, my brother had two things to do which he never did and it fell on me.  

But, please, thank you's and excuse mes go a long way.  It's common courtesy.  Children should not be brought up simply assuming everything will be handed to them - that's not realistic but I see it happen all the time this sense of entitlement.  I started working for money babysitting at a young age, got my first "real" job at 16 so I could pay for an educational trip to Italy.  I expect others to treat me with respect and I give the same in return (even if the courtesy is only on my side).  I don't expect anything to be given to me, I expect to work for it.