Roommate Crisis...(MissMandy)

I don't have real advice but I did want to say...good to see you, and also...perhaps letting her know that these random men...aside from your man's friends...present a true bona fide risk TO YOU and your person...as well as your items. Maybe going about it that way might help...I don't know...but a parade of strange men in a home where only two women are often present seems to me, to be risky behavior.

I hope you can get things worked out. Maybe you should consider just a sit down where you two can speak plainly and soberly. Maybe she needs some help, either with the drink or with feeling well enough about herself that she does not need the validation of male company at all times...

yeah... confrontation sucks. but this sounds pretty bad! a friend of mine has a tendency to be like that around men, but she is still my friend, because she knows to respect my space. she sleeps over a lot, but she wouldnt bring anyone over.

this i think is not friendship and you NEED to talk to her! i have no advice cause i'm really bad at confrontation too, until the moment i burst and rip the person a new one... (yeah, i'm bad like that. i try not to, but it's in my blood, lol)

maybe your boyfriend has some ideas on how to confront her about this, since he knows her better, although for the actual talk, i'd leave him out of it and just make it about you and her.

i really hope you can work this out.

I roomed with a 'friend' like that years ago -- she literally went off the edge while living with me and would bring home the most AWFUL men.  I remember, in particular, one night she brought home this guy who was admittedly running from the police and he sat and bragged about the crimes he'd committed.  I literally slept, that night, with a hammer in my hand because he was so obviously so unhinged and violent (he was slapping her around right in front of me and he'd just MET her!)

You will likely just plain have to ask her to leave -- confrontation is one thing, safety is another (and you have your animals to think of as well.).  It's hard enough to get sane and safe after a divorce (been THERE done that as well *sigh*) but you don't need a crazy roomie to add to the mix.

If you don't look out for *yourself* NO one else will.  You may want to simply write her a note or letter and just say "I'm not comfortlable with the situation you put me in when you bring various men home on the spur of the moment.  You aren't willing to socialize with me and MY significant other, and yet I'm not confortable with your situation, so it would be better if you would simply find another place to live."

I'd be willing to bet that what she's doing is not allowed in your lease (most places have pretty strict rules about overnight guests and how that is accomplished) and you may need to get some help on this (is it your house?)  But take care of YOU -- it's important!

MissMandy

I would guess that she has slept with at least 7 random men since the beginning of July.

Wow!!! That's really scary. She understands about STDs and all, right? Ugh, I feel for you. I've never roomed with anyone like that, but there was a girl who hung out with our group and she was loose like that. It disgusted me. I can remember being out to eat and her saying to everyone "yeah, when I drink tequila, my top comes off" and sure enough, all the guys started buying her shots of tequila. We were going to a club from there and I didn't say a word but got in my car and drove home. I just couldn't handle the thought that others might associate her behavior with me and think I was like that.

I don't think there's any easy way out of this and you're just going to have to be really blunt. Consider that you might actually be doing her a favor. She needs to realize that sleeping with guys she doesn't even know is going to lead to some bad stuff happening and it's just not worth it. If she can't accept that, then I'd offer to help her find a place of her own.

Great advice from everyone and I have  to agree with everybody who pointed out that bringing home random strangers puts you equally in danger.

Joyce

I agree that you are going to have to ask her to leave.  However, before you do so you need to take some steps to protect yourself.  Get a heavy safe to store as many of your valuables as possible. 

Talk to your management about putting a deadbolt on your bedroom door.  They will say "no", but that should start an interesting discussion about the random men you have had to put up with.  They may have some ideas on what you may have to do legally.  They will also want to know if you can handle the rent alone or if you have another roommate in mind. 

Expect questions about whether you are trying to get rid of her so Danny can move in.  Don't take offense!!  They have to ask things like that and have probably seen it happen.

When you confront her, do so with Danny and with a rep from AA.  If she wants to make more friends, AA would be a great way to do it.

Heavy Duty Warning:  When my youngest sister separated from her first ex, she came back to their apartment with our dad to get her things.  She had nothing left!!  He had destroyed everything she owned - clothes, appliances, jewelry, etc.  She couldn't find her dog, but the guy had just let it out the door and she found it running around the complex. 

I sure hope your roommate isn't that bad!  My sister's ex has since had a number of convictions - including rape (not my sister).  He didn't dare touch my sister because he was scared of my dad (WW II marine) and my brothers. 

You can check out your roommate here:  http://criminalsearches.com/search/criminal/advanced.aspx

Some alternate security measures (sites for pictures only):

• Door security bar
• Door stop alarm
• Door Guardian door security latch - reviews say it is good for "Houdini" children, too 
• Hotel-Style Door Security Lock

Even if it's not a deadbolt lock, any lock will keep all but the more determined troublemakers away. Any basic key lock you can get in any hardware store will also keep your belongings safe when you're not home.

Hope you get things worked out soon - sounds like a really miserable situation, and I really feel for you :( 

Thanks to all of you for your advice and words of wisdom!! I actually spoke to her in detail about things today, and told her that I was not happy, to say the very least, with the current living situation. She admitted that she had been making some poor choices in regards to her life lately, and that she thought it would be best if she looked into moving back home to Chicago. I told her that as much as I loved her, I thought that it might be a good plan. So that's where we stand now. We agreed to try not to make things "weird" around the house, but I do feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief now that it's off my chest!!

 Thanks again for letting me vent, and giving me the little push that I needed!!

I was just thinking about contacting you tonight.  I was walking the dogs at Mt. Trashmore :).  We're going again next Tues. at 7 if you're interested.

 In regard to the roomie... I am glad you were able to talk today.  Can you afford the place on your own if she leaves?  I remember when I was an RA in college, we always warned people about rooming with their best friends from HS because it ruins friendships.  I think it is better to room with an aquaintance or someone you've interviewed from roommate.com etc. than a close friend in many cases.

MissMandy

We agreed to try not to make things "weird" around the house, but I do feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief now that it's off my chest!!

I am really glad to hear that things are going this well!  I hope you can maintain your friendship.