The primal nature of human beings.
I've
been thinking on this a lot due to something that happened a couple
months back at school. It hasn't been bothering me per se, but it's
been at the forefront of my mind.
My college had their first
ever composition recital, and one of my friends, Damien, was involved
in it with me. He wrote a vocal piece for our friend Kelly, and played
the piano part he wrote for it (he's a phenomenal pianist).
Now,
because he is a musician and has a wicked sense of humor and is just an
all around good guy, I've become naturally attracted to him. But my
point is that AFTER the concert, I met his family....all of
'em...including some Cousins (he has 13 brothers and sisters, and 3 or
4 of them are adopted o.O).
There was a little girl there,
Anastasia, and Big Bear (that's what I call him) had told me about her
and how much she liked to sit on his lap at the piano. She'd put his
hands over his and pretend she was playing, much like when we stand on
someone's feet when we're little and "dance". I didn't much think about
it at the time, as it really didn't much matter to me...I'm not a "Kid"
person.
But I was watching him interact with everybody, and I
saw Anastasia slip her rather tiny hand into his massive paw (Big Bear
has HUGE hands...it's one of the reasons I call him Big Bear), and
without a thought he picked her up and planted her squarely on his hip.
I felt my brow drop, slightly confused (I don't know why), and as I
continued to study him his whole demeanor changed.
He spoke in
quiet, low tones and bounced her, and he would smile at her and flash
all his teeth before he tickled her. And when she squealed his vocal
pitches would match hers.
Every other time I've watched a male
in this kind of display, it was stagnant and uninteresting for me. On
the whole I really just didn't care, and feigned interest so as not to
insult. But I was watching Big Bear, this big hulk of a man, being so
gentle, and sweet, and careful with this little girl, I felt...strange.
There
was a strange heat that pooled in my belly, and I found myself more
fascinated than I'd ever been before. Anastasia clearly adored him, and
he quite obviously felt the same about her, and something in my brain
just went *CLICK* and I couldn't stop watching.
I KNEW it was my
baser side talking to me, telling my biological self that he would be a
good match...it was just strange to actually FEEL it. To be honest, it
scared the ever loving crap out of me, because I didn't know how to
react to it. I still don't. But what I was seeing with my eyes was a
lot more than I've ever seen before. I wasn't looking at a man holding
a kid...I was looking at a father holding one of his own...and a large
part of myself was fighting with the notion and realization of what I
was feeling and seeing.
I didn't like it then, and I don't like
it now, because it is wholly uncomfortable to be so aware of what my
instincts are telling me.
It was a lot like being on the outside of myself, and watching me react to what Big Bear was doing. Surreal.
Do any of you remember the first time you felt that *Click*?