Prayers needed for DH and his family....

Our deepest sympathies over the loss of your brother in law. 

About the autopsy--this is strictly my experience, not a professional opinion, they are able to send out tissue samples and maybe some other types of samples too,  to get a better diagnosis.  It's something I guess that they can't do right there.  And, it takes some time for them to reach where they need to be, get done and then the results to get back. 

Take care!

Lori

sillysally

What could they find out in 90 days that they couldn't find out from an autopsy?

The Navy should have made it clear that the preliminary autopsy results did not show a cause of death.  That would mean that the physical exam (and whatever tests the local lab could do) yielded no information.  There are no external physical injuries, ruptured organs, signs of a heart attack, etc.  The cause of death was more subtle than that.

Now tissue samples are being examined by experts and fluid samples are being tested.  There are literally 10's of thousands of structures to be examined and chemicals to be tested for.  The presence of a structure (or lack there of) or a chemical (or a combination of chemicals) might indicate an organ malfunction, a disease, parasites, environmental exposure to toxins, recreational drugs, poisons, etc., etc.

All of those tests take time to perform and are done by labs that probably have many, many autopsies to do - especially with the war in Iraq.

A word of caution:  My mother's autopsy yielded nothing definitive.  All we know is that her intestine was extremely inflamed and her temperature shot up to 106.  Medical science isn't perfect and we are still learning. 

If your BIL's problem was something as obscure as a small congenital defect in the heart's internal pacemaker, then doctors may not be able to detect it yet.  People who need a pacemaker (or an internal defibrillator) can die the first time they have a problem if they are alone (or asleep) when it happens. 

sillysally

I haven't seen anyone in his family cry and DH has only cried when he first found out, but (as far as I know) not since. 

I grew up in a family like that of your DH.  I never saw my father cry - even when my mother (his wife of 48 1/2 years) passed away.  As a child I was rarely touched once I got old enough to dress myself.  My mother was busy with 4 younger children, plus she had back trouble.

Even if it seems to embarass your DH and in-laws, hug them and tell them that you love them.  You will be teaching them something they need to learn so be persistent.  My sisters and I finally learned enough to work on our dad.  By the time he passed away, I think he actually enjoyed getting hugs. 

Neither sister, however, enjoys a good massage (I do).  They cannot stand to be "touched all over" like that.  One of those sisters has been married and divorced 3 times!!!

Hint:  When you want to give someone a hug, tell them that you need a hug (as you are giving them one).  That helps to get rid of the "I'm fine." reactions.

It really is a shock to lose someone so young.  I think of my BF's sons, in that age group, and can't even imagine how awful it would be to lose one of them.  Certainly everyone grieves in their own way - there is no "right" way to do it.  Your support will mean a lot, because it is clear that you offer it honestly and lovingly.  My best to you and your family, and hope that you get some answers and don't have to wonder... 

When my sister dropped dead a month shy of her fiftieth birthday, they concluded that it was her heart and while they did do additional testing, they said that once the heart stops, all the blood gases and levels get screwy so it's really tough to tell.  I guess my feeling was that it didn't really matter WHY {other than unless it was something congenital that we all might carry} because knowing why wasn't going to bring her back.

I didn't get a chance to cry for my sister.  I was busy supporting my Mom, being the strong and logical one while everyone else fell apart.  I've paid for that many times and in many ways over the years.

But, we all grieve differently and you just need to let him get through this in his own way, but still be there, loving and supportive, for him.  He may never shed another tear....after all, in the environment in which he was raised, I'm guessing that men aren't supposed to cry or reach out for support.  Just letting him grieve in his own way, and letting him know that you are there for him is the best you can do.

And your family IS still in our thoughts and prayers.

sillysally

What could they find out in 90 days that they couldn't find out from an autopsy?

Not to quote a TV show or anything, but I watch Dr. G on TLC (I think) and she is a medical examiner in FL.  They talk about cases that can last a lot longer if it was something weird or strange going on.  There was one case that was open for about a year because they couldn't figure out what happened.  After doing some research into different things, and talking with people they were able to put the pieces together (combination of different supplements, etc. that she didn't know the woman was taking).  The samples and stuff they order do take some time, especially if he was overseas.

David has arrived home and will be laid to rest on Tuesday.  He will be buried with full military honors...... 

  Sending strong i-dog vibes for the strength to support your DH and his family while they say goodbye.

sillysally

David has arrived home and will be laid to rest on Tuesday.  He will be buried with full military honors...... 

Silly Sally My heart is there for all of of your family and it is your family not just your "in laws."  Just a couple of thoughts I hope are not inappropriate but may give you an idea or two that will make it easier on you to both deal with and help.

There is no extra consolation in the fact that he is home and will have full honors but having a family member buried this way has always been he only funeral I have ever ever attended that was not a grotesque circus. Sorry I am not a funeral person. My uncle's was done with great dignity and meaning, there was a protocal that kept it from being an endless cluster of raw emotions.  Does that even sound intelligent? I hope so. Rather than a circle of pain and rambling memories there was a crispness in the farewell.  It seemed clean and sound. When emotions are at this level saying goodbye becomes complicated. The emotion is not simple grief there is anger and unresolved things that will cloud the family from easily laying out clothes, remembering the directions , having an envelope to tip the minister  ( not every service does this but many do) Having some one designated , be it family member or employee to man the guest book and ask that addresses be included in the signatures. IT is a numbing state to realize that you haven't a clue how to send a thank you to some one and sometimes this becomes hugely important.  A single person or a team of two or three, normally it is we in laws , can oversee things with a great clarity. Making sure there is a cooler with not simply a few bottle of water but a zip lock baggie that has a clean damp wash cloth in case some one is faint in the limo nearby. or in the chapel..

I do not know if anyone has made ethe effort to make sure the family each has a single rose to place in respect and good bye, My MIL had a seriously good company handle her funeral and she had tons of flowers but the night before , we had flown from Al to Ca where she was buried with her husband at Ft Rosecrans, I went to a flower market buying enough long stem red roses to make sure each close family member would have a single rose that I had cleaned of thorns and leaves then wrapped in floral tape.  It gave them something to do with thier hands while listening to the service and then a moment of closure when they were able to lay the rose on her coffin. IT gave me something to do the night before as well since emotions were raw all around and having my husband drive me to find these few items then allowing me a chance to put it together kept me able to handle all of the really high emotional energy.

This is an odd side note that has nothing to do with your BIL, but I also  made it a point of being there to direct the funeral company in her make up.  She had owned only one tube of lipstick her entire life and when answering questions about her preperation they asked repeately about makeup and how much etc. Suggesting a bit of eye liner or shadow ?!!  I made sure they understood nothing but the skin tone base , was to be applied. That anything else would simply not be Lily.  I had brought a photo of her smiling with RRs at a dog show and after buying a lovely frame at a Micheals was able to build that into our family floral arrangement,  It meant a great deal to my husband and his daughters. looking at it during the service they were thinking about Lily not about the "dead person" I also had two songs to be played at her service as my personal good bye, She was a HUGE Elvis fan and I was able to secure him singing Amazing Grace and her most favorite song of all time Some Where My Love.  My husband and his family smiled through thier tears knowing how much she would have loved hearing him.

Funerals are beyond hard on the family , mother, father, siblings, spouses and children BUT inlaws suffer as well , we loved not just them but the ones that are now left behind and without trying to be center of attention it is possible to ease our own grief by helping with these small nuances that make sure the person everyone loved is really remembered in a personal sense.

My thoughts will be with you on Tuesday and your whole family will be in my prayers that this allows them some small closure.

Bonita of Bwana

Well, David is now at rest.

It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to.  My husband's siblings all play some sort of musical instrument, and towards the end of the service they played The Navy Hymn.  DH is having a really hard time with this.  He barely would leave the grave site at the end of the service.  It's horrible to see him in such pain and I just feel so helpless.....

During the funeral luncheon people stood up and told stories about David, and we got to learn some very cool stuff about him.  He was in a club in high school designed to create and foster friendships between special education students and main stream students.  One of the special education girls had a very cruel joke played on her by one of the popular guys in school.  This guy got her in front of all his friends and invited her to prom, and them after she got all excited that she was going with him, he dumped on her in front of all his friends, saying awful things to her and publicly humiliating her.  David found out what happened and walked straight up to her and asked the girl to prom, and they had a wonderful time together.  Another girl stood up and said that David had taken her to her senior prom when nobody else wanted to go with her, and said that her was a perfect gentlemen.  The officer who had accompanied David home said that he often volunteered to go out with other service members and clean up the grounds orphanages back in Japan.  It was wonderful for the family to be able to hear those things....

Sounds like he had a very meaningful life here...he must have work in a higher place now..your family is in my thoughts and prayers

sillysally

It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to. 

Funerals for children and young adults are almost always the saddest.  The sudden, unexpected death just made that worse.

Your DH probably just needs time, but if he may eventually need to talk to a professional.  There are meds that will take the edge off while he grieves.  Those meds won't take away the grief.  They would just help him function during the grieving process.

Regular exercise will help the body to generate its natural, pain relieving endorphins.  Does your DH play any sports?

I am glad that the family got to learn what a great guy others considered your BIL to be.  I hope they got some smiles and maybe even a few chuckles from the stories.

Don't forget that group that helps the families that have lost military personel.  Your BIL has a much, much bigger family than he probably realizes.

The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)    http://www.taps.org/    http://www.taps.org/resources/

(((((HUGS))))     

It sounds like  the world lost a truly wonderful and amazing young man. I hope your family and in-laws were able to find some consolation in the stories that were told at his funeral.

Joyce