What to do...*Vent*

    • Gold Top Dog

    What to do...*Vent*

    Ok, I can't take it anymore. My parents have been arguing for over a year now. One day they are fighting and my mom's calling me crying saying there's someone else and he's cheating on her (she has no proof) and the next day she's defending him saying they are fine. The last straw was she called me at midnight last night crying saying that she thought he was going to punch her in her face tonight. Now I don't know how true this is as my mother can be very over dramatic at times. I told her, either divorce or counseling and I am not the counselor!

    At this point, and my Gram didn't know what to tell me, I'm thinking of telling my mother either go to counseling and work things out or get a divorce and move on, but if this continues they won't be seeing or hearing from me anymore until something changes. I'm her go to person when she's upset, but she has no problem yelling at me and defending him and contradicting what she told me a week ago when they are ok. I'm so sick of it and aggravated. Last year she had me thinking he was cheating on her, and I called him on it and I got in a load of trouble.

    I was patient about it in the beginning but this has been going on way too long and I have my own problems to deal with. Not to mention when she's upset she calls my phone constantly and I only have so many minutes a month (which I have told her about many times). Ugh!!!!!!!!!

     

    *Thanks for the vent*
     

    • Gold Top Dog

    I would write your mom a letter so that she can't get you off track. Tell her exactly what you said in the 2nd paragraph. Their fighting is taking a toll on you and to leave you out of it. Tell her how it's making you feel and try to leave out examples that she can latch on to and defend herself. Just stick to the facts. 

    • Gold Top Dog

     Remind her that you love her very much and you want to support her, but her venting to you like this without doing anything to solve the problem is only hurting all three of you. Offer to go to counseling with her (it can be scary). But I think you're doing a great thing in drawing your boundaries. Just as you're being firm, remind her how much you care about her and that you're telling her this because you love her. I'm sure she needs some extra support right now, and it's wonderful that you're being strong for her (in pushing her to get help). She's a lucky mother :)

    • Gold Top Dog

    One truth about any and all human interdynamics:  when there is a conflict between two people and one person brings a third person into that conflict - the third person will NEVER be able to resolve the conflict between the original two people. 

    I agree that you need to remove yourself from this conflict.  Stay with "I" statements to your Mom (Mom, I feel uncomfortable with this...I can't be the one to help you with this...etc etc) and stand for her getting whatever help she needs.  You don't need to sacrifice yourself to save anyone here. 

    • Gold Top Dog

    She just emailed me and said that she's going to speak with a priest about their situation today, and if he feels the need he is going to recommend them to a therapist. I don't know if my father will go, but if not then I think it best they separate. Something must give. 

    • Gold Top Dog

    I was once dragged into a long running "disagreement" between my parents and they occasionally came to me to interpret what the other one meant when they said...

    I finally told them that, although an adult, I am their child and they have no business placing me in a situation where I must choose a loyalty.  I explained that I loved them both equally, whether or not they were together, and that I could not, and would not, make a choice.

    After that little chat they successfully left me out of their relationship and treated me as their child.  They did get divorced and I don't recall seeing either of them as happy as they are now.